I find myself often coming home from work in a bad mood. How can I fix this?

I'm a 25 year old father who has been so selfish, that its just ridiculous when I think about it. It makes me very ashamed.

I work every day and come home I take a shower , and expect to just relax for the rest of the day. I would look at what loosers do, and I assumed I was better than them just because I work and stuff.

It never once struck my mind to come home and just give my girl a Break by taking the kids out and doing something like that. I really underestimated the duties of a house Mom and with that I assumed that my girl just ran off of an unlimited Battery Source. I never once considered hey maybe she needs a break, or hey maybe she's tired.. I just thought about me, and that's not right at all.

I know sometimes it's easy for us to get caught up in all kinds of things throughout the day, so much that we forget about others bodily needs. I needed to realize that they need to rest too. House moms are with the kids all day from when they wake up to when they go to sleep, and then when the kids go to sleep we expect our wives to stay up late with us.. smfh I feel like a complete because I thought that I was helping you out the best I could when in reality I could be helping out more than ever.

How could I improve my attitude when arriving home and communicating with my wife?

Did your dad come home after work and relax? You may be following the example he set for you.

Talk to your partner. Find out what she needs and how she's feeling. Maybe choose a job to do at home in the evenings, like making dinner or watching kids or doing the dishes. You could even take over some of her responsibilities during the weekend so she can get a break, or let her go somewhere with a friend once in a while and take care of things at home while she's gone. Get a babysitter for the kids and take her on a date each week. Establish habits and routines that help you both get the downtime you need.

It's not easy raising young children, but when two people work as partners and communicate openly, it can be very fulfilling.

I'm 825 year old father

^

I hope you're not playing with us?

The way I saw it when I was home full time and my husband worked (more than) full time like me - I welcomed his help when he came home and he loves our son to the moon and back so he jumped right in to help and play with our child when he came home - but just like she works hard, so do you - so I think you should give her a break when you get home mostly because then you get to connect with your kids but she needs to understand too that you have a full time job and need some time to unwind as well. I was home full time for 7.5 years so I had time to think about this lol.

Simple...instead of comparing yourself to 'losers' who don't work or contribute, compare yourself to the best husband you can imagine= a man who works and gives the respect to the work his wife does, then when he comes home SHARES the house workload and the child care. Share your time off so that both of you get to have hobby times/friends times/rest time.

Thanks you so much everyone. I really appreciate all of your advice. Sorry for that typo, I meant 25yrs old. yes my step dad did come home and relax and I think that that's where I got it from. My real dad wasn't really in the picture that much. I do come home and I love being with our kids and I love being with my wife. it's just that I'm always all crabby, and I failed to realize that she's not a robot running off of an ever lasting battery. So I didn't really think about her, and her needing to rest, things like that. I understand. I will take over the work load and things like that because you're right she deserves a break. I really underestimated the job of a full-time mom of 2 girls. One 3yr old and one 1yr old. You guys are right I have been comparing myself to Losers and assuming that just because I work and things like that that I'm better than them, but that's where I messed up. I will take care of us and compare myself to the best husband imaginable. Thank you for all your help.

If anyone has anymore tips please feel free to comment.

Simple...instead of comparing yourself to 'losers' who don't work or contribute, compare yourself to the best husband you can imagine= a man who works and gives the respect to the work his wife does, then when he comes home SHARES the house workload and the child care. Share your time off so that both of you get to have hobby times/friends times/rest time.

From my perspective her role is child care and housework (although not so much his laundry, etc) - that is her job and he has a full time job too. I do think he should help - for example by either doing his own cleaning up after himself or a similar chore -and he should be an involved father including changing diapers and other clean up/ "grunt" work - but from the perspective that they each have full time roles. Unless she is going to share in helping him with his work I don't see why he's obligated to do half the housework once he comes home from his full time job. It's great if he wants to but he shouldn't feel guilty if he doesn't.

Yes Batya33, I feel I'm guilty here because she has been mentioning that she wanted a job since she was first pregnant. All she wants to do is help, but instead I was nervous about her getting a job. I was worried about me not having enough energy for work the next day after watching the kids. I was afraid of change. Just because we have kids doesn't mean she can't work. I chose to have kids too you know what I mean, so I feel like I can at least go through 4 hrs while she has a part time job. I've just been very content with how things were. for example not having to pay for childcare, I make enough money for us to live off of just me working.. So I figured she didn't have to work. I thought I was doing something good by letting my wife stay home with the kids while I work, but it seems that she feels I stripped her of her own goals. I thought that would be a woman's dream to stay home with the kids and not having to work, but some women just want to work really bad I guess. But then again she does say that she wants to feel like she can contribute, she says that she wants to be able to have money to do things for me and for the kids, without having to ask me for money. For example this Christmas I went all out and bought them so many gifts, and she felt very bad because she wasn't able to get me anything without asking me for money to buy it in the first place. And that hits hard to me because I don't want her to feel like that. I try and tell her that it's not my money it's our money, but she felt that I would throw it in her face by making it seem like I pay all the bills and stuff. I'm not going to lie and say that I never brought up how much I do for them, I did bring up how much I do for them, but I only did that when I felt like I wasn't appreciated. This isn't the first time that she's left her parents house.. Every time she leaves I think I fixed the problem but I end up doing something different. For example if she didn't like me talking to female co-workers who would flirt with me, and that's understandable and I have stopped communication with those type of people. And she didn't like her past.. And I guess that's really not fair because the past doesn't matter only the present. So I do see where she's coming from. it's just that I don't know how to get her to understand that I'm at least acknowledging the fact that she needs help what the kids and stuff. I can't prove to her that I changed in one day, but I do want her to know that I'm serious. But sometimes she says I sound like a broken record because she has given me multiple chances. She has to keep in mind these chances are basically different things. it's not like I keep on doing the same thing over and over again. she has told me that she that she wants me to stop being rude in the past, but I feel like I'm only human.. I'm not trying to be rude I just come home from work in a bad mood and get attitudes over small things..

Well, at least you recognize that you are a grump. So take some steps to fix it. And maybe there is some kind of work from home gig she could try, perhaps until the kids get older (unless she can earn enough to justify day care). Good luck.

Thanks for your tips.

We all have to ask our spouse what THEY want to do with their life. What their dreams are not to impose what we feel they should be happy with. Children don't mean women have to stay at home. Not at all.

What do you want your kids to remember about you? A grumpy grouch? Or a dad who loved them and their mom.

Very true. You are all very right. I'm just very appreciative that I can understand what you all are saying, instead of being arrogant.

Thanks everyone!

"I thought that would be a woman's dream to stay home with the kids and not having to work, but some women just want to work really bad I guess."

Being the full-time parent is not "staying home"- it's full time work that is unpaid -as a full time parent you don't get to "stay" in one place for too long and if you're doing the job right you're not "at home" much of the time because you want your child to have experiences outdoors and indoors but out of the house. . If someone worked full time as a volunteer ambulance driver getting sick/injured people to hospitals, helping at the scene -would that be "not having to work" because it's not paid? She does have to work because if she didn't do that work you'd be paying someone else to do the work she does. (It was my "dream" but not because I wouldn't have to work, but because I wanted to be the full-time parent, my husband did not, and in our personal situation there was nothing I wanted more than the job of being the full time parent - it had nothing to do with "not having to work" and if it had I would have wanted to be told that I wasn't cut out for the job with that attitude).

Having said that -if she wants to work outside the home at a paid job that is something you might want to help her make happen. It really could be that you're feeding off each other -she is not happy with her job as a full time parent and you, knowing that, already feel the negative vibes when you're coming home after a long day. What I would do is figure out how much time you need to decompress- and tell her that in advance - try to keep it under a half hour and you figure out what could help you the most -a quick shower? a quick run? whatever - and then you'll be more ready for the transition. And if she is happier you might find you don't need that transition time as much, as long, or at all.

Good luck.

From my perspective her role is child care and housework (although not so much his laundry, etc) - that is her job and he has a full time job too. I do think he should help - for example by either doing his own cleaning up after himself or a similar chore -and he should be an involved father including changing diapers and other clean up/ "grunt" work - but from the perspective that they each have full time roles. Unless she is going to share in helping him with his work I don't see why he's obligated to do half the housework once he comes home from his full time job. It's great if he wants to but he shouldn't feel guilty if he doesn't.

Most of the housework would be done when he gets home. After that it's just simple things that both of them can share. If he doesn't do any housework it basically means that as an adult he is not experiencing any housework duties and that is not right. We all have to be able to take care of our home and ourselves and our children. I see that 9-5 time as time where they both provide a service that benefits the other. He makes money, she provides care of their children and house. Once he is home, jobs should be shared which would provide both of them with ample rest/time off etc.

Most of the housework would be done when he gets home. After that it's just simple things that both of them can share. If he doesn't do any housework it basically means that as an adult he is not experiencing any housework duties and that is not right. We all have to be able to take care of our home and ourselves and our children. I see that 9-5 time as time where they both provide a service that benefits the other. He makes money, she provides care of their children and house. Once he is home, jobs should be shared which would provide both of them with ample rest/time off etc.

Yes, if the full time work is only 9 to 5. Many full time jobs including parenting are not. My husband's hours are far far longer than 9 to 5, nor are they typically "from 9 to 5". A person who is a full time parent most often has to do housework during the day -laundry, dishwasher, floor washing, etc. We've never had ample rest time and the only way we would is if we hired sitters - which we can afford but for other reasons choose not to. Most parents of young children I know do not have ample rest time/time off unless they also have a nanny/regular sitter and a house cleaner once a week (we do that twice a month -and it takes time to declutter for them but it is worth it).

Adults should contribute to household work in the way that makes sense for the couple and seems fair. I don't think an adult has to do any housework if he is contributing in other ways and if the couple chooses instead to hire people to do housework. Certainly an adult, especially a parent, should have the ability to do housework, if the other person is sick for example or traveling and he/she should be able to take care of the child too. Ability doesn't mean it has to be shared equally if the couple divvies up family responsibilities differently. When I was an adult who worked 60 plus hours a week and was single I had little clue about how to take care of my tiny rental apartment to any Martha Stewart standard, had no desire to, and I rarely was there. I sent out my laundry and did the minimal cleaning to keep things sanitary. It was never a priority for me. I was most certainly an adult in the work I did.

In the OP's case, it sounds like she doesn't like being the full time parent which also probably means she doesn't like having to take care of the house full time during the day. That's totally fine as long as she wants to contribute in another way and they can find a way to either share in the housework or hire people. No one should have to do housework, any particular type, any particular routine if as a couple they agree to a fair way of dividing up or delegating household responsibilities. They both should have the ability to and step in as needed for the family.

OP, has something happened between you and your wife recently?

I ask because it seems something brought on this introspection (which I think is a good thing, and it sounds like some changes do need to be made), and I wonder what the relationship is like between you and her at the moment. Has she told she's unhappy?

The first step is realizing this. Now it'll improve!! This is awesome. I wish my husband would do this. I work full time and my husband still expects me to do everything just because he works outside. AND gets mad if I don't come home and jump his bones after getting everyone's lunch ready and bathing everyone and putting them to bed, HA.. get real. God.