"No Official Cause of Death". Having trouble dealing.

Whew. Okay.

Back in 2012, my cousin, whom I've written about many times here, died suddenly at the end of running about 13km in the heat with one of his buddies. He had been training for a marathon and was in great shape. He was 31.

To put it mildly, his death wrecked me and I've had ups and downs ever since. I am a stronger person now, and I would say my recovery has gone okay, but a lot of that recovery has been acknowledgment that I'll never "get over" losing him. He was someone I leaned on for my entire life. He was a big brother to me, and usually the only person I felt could fully handle me (he could handle anyone). He taught me about God and spirituality, how to handle depression, relationships, he even gave me the sex talk when I was 11 and my parents still hadn't explained it to me. (But he somewhat scarred me for life the way he explained it lol. He liked to freak me out.) My life has been missing something enormous since he left us and I've done a lot to try to understand how and why this happened.

When he died, he had been feeling fine - he even wrote to us before the run he did that evening. He said he was anxious for some reason, but he was running with one of his best guy friends and there was no reason for anyone to worry. His friend, Andy, said that they ran at an even pace and then when they completed their run, my cousin handed him his water bottle for some reason, went down to his knees and was breathing very fast and hard. Andy asked him what was wrong and he never replied. I know he called the ambulance immediately and did his best to revive him - they were pounding on my cousins' chest and using paddles but nothing worked and he was gone at the hospital.

The autopsy always came back inconclusive so they kept trying to investigate a cause - they never figured out what killed him although everyone has had tons of theories. He did not have a heart attack, because that shows up in the blood afterwards. It was not a stroke. One theory I heard that I kind of think was probably the case was that he didn't receive enough electrolytes to his heart and since it was a hot day in early September and he had run very far, his heart could've gone into failure from that? But apparently that wouldn't show up either. Today we received news from Canada that they deemed his death "inconclusive" and will not be pursuing the case any further.

Anyway, of course it doesn't change the reality. It isn't something I need in order to continue healing. But I feel so incredibly unresolved about his death. He was making a huge mark on the world. He was a pastor, he was hilarious. He was the kind of person who walked into the room and everyone felt immediately better. When I had problems in my life, he was someone I talked it out with, and he always helped me see my way through it. Now, I need his advice. I need his perspective, and he's not there. This is something I've known for years now but it doesn't get any easier. I guess I hoped for an "answer," but okay. He's been cremated, so there's nothing more they can do anyway.

So, I apologise if this is uber depressing today. Random sh** tends to trigger me into bouts of real depression about all this and this was one of them for some reason.

Next week, I turn 32, and will officially be older than my cousin was when he died. He was always the older one. It's just a really weird time I guess.

So any thoughts or perspectives from anyone out there (healing ones, preferably), are welcome. Even if someone has lost someone or known someone who died this way and maybe had more information about the cause, I would really love to hear thoughts. Sending love and light to all of you and thanks for reading.

One always feels strange when they reach the point of the relative's death. My mom said she felt weird when she reach the point that her father had died 11 years ago . He died at 60 and she turned 60 11 years ago. In a year and two months she will reach the point that her mom died, her mom died at 73 . She said it just feels really weird .

Also when there is no concrete closure that is very hard .

Maybe that is what is happening? It sounds like your cousin was very much like a parent to you ?

I am so very sorry for your loss . Hugs.

Well, this is very different but still somewhat related -

My father's cause of death is listed as undetermined. It WAS carbon monoxide poisoning, but in terms of whether it was accidental/suicide, that could not be determined with certainty by the medical examiner. Actually, a lot of suicides are listed this way because many times there is no definitive way to know.

In my father's case, it was suicide although that took myself and my family a long time to come to terms with. It was me who was obsessed with it, my mother hung on to 'undetermined' and I did too, really. To us it meant it can go either way and that was more comforting than facing the reality of suicide.

I know this is different as in, there was clearly a cause(CO) - But the questions that that stupid word 'undetermined' brought about really messed with me. I can understanding needing to know. I know you say you don't NEED it but of course you want to know, you know rationally you don't have to but it still feels like this huge piece is missing if you don't. And I get that, I truly do. In both cases, it was sudden and that's a very difficult death to deal with. When people are chronically ill, there is time to...'prepare', best word I can come up with. Not that it really makes it easier, but you know what you're facing and you know it is coming. In the case of your cousin, one day he was there and the next he wasn't. And he was young(my dad was 32 when he passed).

All I can say, from talking to my mom and other people in the family, and the dealing with family deaths that we knew were coming - It's very different, the way you process sudden death. The grieving process feels very messy. Confusing. It feels like there is no natural progression.

I'm gonna tell you what I did, that brought me peace. After years of battling the idea that it was suicide, I spoke out loud to him - I visited his grave - And I said you know, if you did it...Eff you for that, but I'm not mad at you at the same time. I understand now. I can't leave this hanging on my head. It is what it is and I am tired of the questions circling in my head. I am tired of coming up with threads to hold on to to avoid that possibility.

And this is a little hokey, but I dreamed of him for a week after that. Every night since i was a little girl, I used to hope hope hope I would dream about him so I could connect with him somehow. It never happened until after that day, then I couldn't stop dreaming of him. I felt like, he knew I accepted it and it was alright now.

Talk to him. You know? You don't have to be religious or anything, I'm not. I'd probably classify myself as somewhat spiritual. Talk to him. Tell him you miss him. Tell him you're pissed off that no one can figure out what the hell happened to him, and ask him for help in moving on with that. Write him letters. Let it out. Tell him jokes. And if you're pissed off at him for leaving this world, tell him. Even though you know he couldn't help it, it doesn't matter. Feel what you feel and don't bury, no matter how irrational it may seem. If it's really messing with you, see a bereavement counselor.

Big hugs, I am really sorry for your loss. I know a few people in high school who died very suddenly and without being sick. People who were athletes and then they just died the next day. I think they may have had an undiagnosed heart problem. It's really terrible and shocking when a young person dies so suddenly.

I think you should try to do something in his honor this weekend - plant a tree, maybe send a donation to a charity he would have supported in his name.

I am very sorry for your loss. It sounds like he might have had some kind of congenital health problem you were not aware of. It doesn't sound like there was any foul play involved so finding the exact cause might not have made a difference as it would still not resolve the question 'why him?' and the added sense of injustice that comes with losing people who are so young and so nice. Yet, it happens more often than one would expect and it is a part of life. Bad things can and do happen to good people. My family lost someone very special like that at the age of 22 to a traffic accident. He died instantly. To us it felt like a mutilation. Like a part of oneself suddenly being cut off. I have come to feel that grief is something very personal in the sense that it can manifest in very different ways among people and when circumstances are unexpected it is even less straightforward. Anything one feels (or doesn't feel) is valid. What you feel is valid. In time you may come to see things through a different perspective or not. I made peace with it by reflecting on their life; he was one of these kind, helpful, easy going people who are loved by everyone and in the few years he was here, he led a happy and full life, which is more than one can say for some people who live out to be 80. I think of him as one of my guardian angels.

He taught me about God and spirituality,

Now, I need his advice. I need his perspective, and he's not there. This is something I've known for years now but it doesn't get any easier.

My heart goes out to you, Leseine. I apologize in advance if my thoughts assume too much about your spiritual beliefs, but I've found them helpful in dealing with my loved ones who've left this earth (and me) too early for me to reconcile.

I've decided that they've been 'promoted' to serve us in ways far more advanced--and subtle--than they would have been capable while in their bodies. I not only 'feel' them now when I think of them (and speak with them), I sense that they've left us a legacy of energies they no longer need while operating outside of their human form. I feel them continually supporting me with energies regardless of how able I feel to tap into them at any given time, and I'm inspired to pursue my own centeredness in order to best accept, honor and utilize these energies going forward.

I strive to make my passed loved ones proud, and I often meditate on what they would say to me during any given quest for their input. I sense that they are positioned to best help me move through veils of consciousness, and I anticipate that they are also best positioned to help me cross when it's my time to do so.

I think of the spirit as timeless and infinite, so I trust my loved ones to be with me and guide me in ways beyond the confines of language. I know that they wish for me to live fully and expansively and bravely, so I'm inspired by their memory and I trust that they are more fully present in my life than I'm capable of comprehending at this time.

((Big HUG))),

Cat

i can relate !! i am so sorry for your lost dear !

Well, this is very different but still somewhat related -

 

My father's cause of death is listed as undetermined. It WAS carbon monoxide poisoning, but in terms of whether it was accidental/suicide, that could not be determined with certainty by the medical examiner. Actually, a lot of suicides are listed this way because many times there is no definitive way to know.

 

In my father's case, it was suicide although that took myself and my family a long time to come to terms with. It was me who was obsessed with it, my mother hung on to 'undetermined' and I did too, really. To us it meant it can go either way and that was more comforting than facing the reality of suicide.

 

I know this is different as in, there was clearly a cause(CO) - But the questions that that stupid word 'undetermined' brought about really messed with me. I can understanding needing to know. I know you say you don't NEED it but of course you want to know, you know rationally you don't have to but it still feels like this huge piece is missing if you don't. And I get that, I truly do. In both cases, it was sudden and that's a very difficult death to deal with. When people are chronically ill, there is time to...'prepare', best word I can come up with. Not that it really makes it easier, but you know what you're facing and you know it is coming. In the case of your cousin, one day he was there and the next he wasn't. And he was young(my dad was 32 when he passed).

 

All I can say, from talking to my mom and other people in the family, and the dealing with family deaths that we knew were coming - It's very different, the way you process sudden death. The grieving process feels very messy. Confusing. It feels like there is no natural progression.

 

I'm gonna tell you what I did, that brought me peace. After years of battling the idea that it was suicide, I spoke out loud to him - I visited his grave - And I said you know, if you did it...Eff you for that, but I'm not mad at you at the same time. I understand now. I can't leave this hanging on my head. It is what it is and I am tired of the questions circling in my head. I am tired of coming up with threads to hold on to to avoid that possibility.

 

And this is a little hokey, but I dreamed of him for a week after that. Every night since i was a little girl, I used to hope hope hope I would dream about him so I could connect with him somehow. It never happened until after that day, then I couldn't stop dreaming of him. I felt like, he knew I accepted it and it was alright now.

 

Talk to him. You know? You don't have to be religious or anything, I'm not. I'd probably classify myself as somewhat spiritual. Talk to him. Tell him you miss him. Tell him you're pissed off that no one can figure out what the hell happened to him, and ask him for help in moving on with that. Write him letters. Let it out. Tell him jokes. And if you're pissed off at him for leaving this world, tell him. Even though you know he couldn't help it, it doesn't matter. Feel what you feel and don't bury, no matter how irrational it may seem. If it's really messing with you, see a bereavement counselor.

Cheetarah, First I want to apologise for my delay - it was hard for me to immediately return to this thread after posting, oddly (even though I was seeking the kind of help you gave!!). Second, I am so so sorry for the loss of your father. I can't fathom that, or the unknown that came with that. But your advice is spot on, profound, and very comforting. I've often judged myself for not being able to somehow come to these grounded conclusions about my cousin's life and death that everyone seems to expect after a short time (a year or two). But you are so right about the messiness, and its comforting just to hear the understanding here. Thank you.

Cheetarah, First I want to apologise for my delay - it was hard for me to immediately return to this thread after posting, oddly (even though I was seeking the kind of help you gave!!). Second, I am so so sorry for the loss of your father. I can't fathom that, or the unknown that came with that. But your advice is spot on, profound, and very comforting. I've often judged myself for not being able to somehow come to these grounded conclusions about my cousin's life and death that everyone seems to expect after a short time (a year or two). But you are so right about the messiness, and its comforting just to hear the understanding here. Thank you.

No need to apologize! It's not odd at all that you'd let it all out and then need to move away from it. I think that's a healthy part of grieving. Recognizing when you need to step away from it. Just sending you hugs...(((((leseine)))))

While I do know the actual reason my girlfriend passed, I know how you feel about the sudden death. I had spoken to my girlfriend only a couple hours before she passed out, from which she never woke up. She was also physically active at the time she died, but her death was from a sudden massive brain hemorrhage.

She has only been gone 3 days, but it already feels like an eternity for me, and I don't know how I'm going to get through the storm ahead. We had so many plans, we'd been together for 5 years and we'd already been through so much together. I just can't imagine going through life without her. My friends, co-workers and family are all doing everything they can for me, and it is nice to have the company, but it still doesn't ease the pain at all. Just to think we spoke only a week ago and she was out so quickly and never came back to us. I can still hear her voice so clearly in my head, see her smile and hear her contagious laugh. I would give anything just to have a little more time with her to say goodbye.