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Thread: Can I Safely Date Older Men?

  1. #31
    RainyCoast
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    I found from a man's point of view - women can change a lot at that age. As a matter of fact, I'm still friends (loosely) with her now. And she's unrecognisable from the woman I dated,
    now imagine if this was an 18 year old girl (who will certainly grow and change plenty with time), and a 40 something man. Presuming he isn't emotionally stunted in ways that render him abusive (or creepy, as this thread puts it), i guess it can be a symbiotic relationship...for a while. dependency...but devoid of the malicious aspect (setting myslef up for many a poster's rage here, but i am fairly certain most of what people call healthy relationships are just acceptable forms of dependency-- a word that gets thrown around like an insult around here btw). a girl looking for wisdom and direction, a man looking for a persona untainted by the struggles of being Someone Great/Important or whatever the hell it is the years do to us.

    The trick is precisely that...the child may grow up. The somehow stunted adult...if he does grow up...the infantile innocence may lose the appeal for him, leaving a vacancy for seasoned partners. If he doesn't...well, that leaves a vacancy for...a new child.


    but then again... don't we often part ways because one or the other outgrows the relationship anyway.


    echoing the fair warning though. i have a hard time imagining a 40 something taking benign romantic interest in an 18 year old. certainly, if they do, fat chance of coming across them...on OLD of all places.

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  3. #32
    mustlovedogs
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    I'm a grad student after working 3 years. So I'm a 26 YO hanging out in my university's student union when I overhear some undergrads talking. They sound uneducated, immature, annoying... ugh. They were dreadful.

    And I'm only 5-7 years older than them.

    You may be mature for your age, but that doesn't make you 5 years more mature. In the early 20's, every year makes a difference. I'm so different from who I was just a year ago and I'm unrecognizable from who I was in college.

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  5. #33
    Zaphod
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    Quote Originally Posted by RainyCoast [Register to see the link]
    emotionally stunted in ways that render him abusive (or creepy, as this thread puts it)
    That's what creepy means, ah. So I guess it's the suggestion of possible abuse, right?

    Not referring to you, because you haven't said it, but to a few others on this thread - suggesting that someone may be "creepy" simply because they're older is I think a bit unfair and ageist. There are plenty of younger people will ill intent.

    Quote Originally Posted by RainyCoast [Register to see the link]
    i guess it can be a symbiotic relationship...for a while. dependency...but devoid of the malicious aspect (setting myslef up for many a poster's rage here, but i am fairly certain most of what people call healthy relationships are just acceptable forms of dependency-- a word that gets thrown around like an insult around here btw). a girl looking for wisdom and direction, a man looking for a persona untainted by the struggles of being Someone Great/Important or whatever the hell it is the years do to us.

    The trick is precisely that...the child may grow up. The somehow stunted adult...if he does grow up...the infantile innocence may lose the appeal for him, leaving a vacancy for seasoned partners. If he doesn't...well, that leaves a vacancy for...a new child.

    Good stuff, another dose of common sense truth here. The only thing I would say is that this assumes that one is looking for a long-term relationship. Perhaps there is a lot of fun and learning to be had from the odd 6 month or year relationship, although I'm not sure that's what the OP is after. Do we call one year long-term? Not really, although it's not a fling. Sort of in between.

    For a six month relationship, I can imagine this might be quite fun for a man in his forties and a very young woman. But a design for life together? Perhaps not.

    The world is constantly a changin' though. Who knows, in the future, people may only want shorter relationships. I mean if someone had told us about online dating in, say, 1995 - well. I should have said "Humbug, sir".

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  7. #34
    RainyCoast
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    it would be fun for 6 months..or however long...if there isn't a perverse motive. i don't know if everyone meant creepy has potential of abuse, but lecherous leery predators hungry for fresh flesh aren't monsters made up to scare young girls with. agreed, they're of varying ages.

    not a parent, but i'm imagining having an 18 year old daughter on dating sites. not very comfortable with the idea at all. imagining having her contacted by 40+ men...yeah my first instinct would be to hunt them down and slap them with their freshly cut off body parts (starting with the stereotypical choice of body part to mutilate in an ill-motivated male).

    i'm curious OP. why 40+? i mean you're looking for maturity, guidance...how does that come at 40 and after? we've demonstrated it may come sooner, or it may come never. so are you looking for a number or a quality?

  8. #35
    SkyBlue98
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    Quote Originally Posted by RainyCoast [Register to see the link]
    it would be fun for 6 months..or however long...if there isn't a perverse motive. i don't know if everyone meant creepy has potential of abuse, but lecherous leery predators hungry for fresh flesh aren't monsters made up to scare young girls with. agreed, they're of varying ages.

    not a parent, but i'm imagining having an 18 year old daughter on dating sites. not very comfortable with the idea at all. imagining having her contacted by 40+ men...yeah my first instinct would be to hunt them down and slap them with their freshly cut off body parts (starting with the stereotypical choice of body part to mutilate in an ill-motivated male).

    i'm curious OP. why 40+? i mean you're looking for maturity, guidance...how does that come at 40 and after? we've demonstrated it may come sooner, or it may come never. so are you looking for a number or a quality?
    That's a good question... The best way I can explain it is, sometimes the qualities of being very self-assured or whatever it is, can come across as being a little arrogant or conceited on a younger guy, whereas on an older guy they just seem very natural. There's just some quality that older men have that younger men don't.

    I think it does have to do with a father figure type thing... I'm very close to my mother but not so to my father. Really what I want is just an older guy I'm NOT related to who I could just go out for coffee with and could be like a friend to me. I don't know if that's possible though.

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  10. #36
    Capricorn3
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    Quote Originally Posted by RainyCoast [Register to see the link]
    i'm imagining having an 18 year old daughter on dating sites. not very comfortable with the idea at all. imagining having her contacted by 40+ men...yeah my first instinct would be to hunt them down and slap them with their freshly cut off body parts (starting with the stereotypical choice of body part to mutilate in an ill-motivated male).

    i'm curious OP. why 40+? i mean you're looking for maturity, guidance...how does that come at 40 and after?
    I agree. It gives one a very uncomfortable feeling .... young teen, barely out of high school on dating sites looking for 40-50 year old men (or vice versa). ~shudder~

    OP, I can only imagine any old guy (40-50 yrs old), looking for 18 year old girls only has one thing in mind and that would be sex. I can't imagine they would be after a romantic relationship with you and looking for a future with you. FWB, sure. Sex, definitely. Relationship? NO. (imo).

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  12. #37
    RainyCoast
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    sometimes the qualities of being very self-assured or whatever it is, can come across as being a little arrogant or conceited on a younger guy, whereas on an older guy they just seem very natural. There's just some quality that older men have that younger men don't.
    okay, the aura of confidence appears to be "earned" in a man seasoned with age. But it is worth noting that it sometimes isn't. and that a young person can be mature in many ways, though their age would have us conclude otherwise.

    i get the desire for this Sophie's World kind of thing, i had fantasized it myself very often (before i even knew of the book).

    Would it have to be coffee dates? I did have martial arts and debate coaches who were excellent guidance for example. Ethical (though you have to be careful everyhwere and not just assume someone is benevolent because they work with youth, but you get my drift), wise, encouraging growth and individuation rather than getting off on young people's vulnerability. That was mentorship. Female too of course.

  13. #38
    Hollyj
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wiseman2 [Register to see the link]
    There are a few of dating sites specifically for that:

    [Register to see the link]

    [Register to see the link]
    Yuck!!!!!!!!!

  14. #39
    Zaphod
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    Personally I go by this rule, speaking as one of said older men -

    I will chase women who are reasonably close to my age, namely about 35 upwards.

    I will date a young woman, but she has to chase me. I won't chase a young woman. I probably won't date a woman who's 18 because I'll get bored and she won't have enough "woman" for me. 23? Well you can keep me company if you like. Relationship? Maybe not. 28? Possible. 30 - 35? Sure. I may play it careful though. 35 and up? No problem.

    It's not exactly a rule, and I'm not sure why I have this rule, but there it is. It seems to sit right, I guess. And of course I have to pull those numbers out of the air to give it any semblance of cohesion. There is variance and wiggle room.

    The thing is - if I meet a woman who's really very compatibile with me and she's say 32, I've got a slight dilemma - and we can't help the year we're born, right?

    My thing is I, and most of my male friends, all look really young, everyone thinks we're 35 not 45.

    I hate to be superficial but I'll give this one to you lot anyway at risk of seeming horrendously flippant -

    I think it has a lot to do with how you look. If a man in his fifites dates a woman in her thirties and they look the same age, no one really bats an eyelid. If a man who's 27 dates a woman who's 25 and he looks a lot older than her, it raises looks. This may be incorrect but it's my interpretation of what I've observed over the years. People have to "look" right in order for others to accept them. You even get it when you see one couple where the man is extremely tall and the woman extremely small, or the woman is taller than the man. Or indeed, years ago, different races. It's the way our primitive little ape like brains work, IMHO.

    Or at least, it seems to be a contributory factor. My last girlfriend, her Dad met me, then later was "having words" with her about her getting a toy boy. Truth is, I was actually six years older than her.

    Others might disagree with me though, it's only a hypothesis.

  15. #40
    Hollyj
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    Quote Originally Posted by SkyBlue98 [Register to see the link]
    That's a good question... The best way I can explain it is, sometimes the qualities of being very self-assured or whatever it is, can come across as being a little arrogant or conceited on a younger guy, whereas on an older guy they just seem very natural. There's just some quality that older men have that younger men don't.

    I think it does have to do with a father figure type thing... I'm very close to my mother but not so to my father. Really what I want is just an older guy I'm NOT related to who I could just go out for coffee with and could be like a friend to me. I don't know if that's possible though.
    OP, What kind of conversation can you have? You have limited life experience, and would be in a very different place. I would think that something was creepy with any man in his 40's dating an 18 year old. He's after sex.

    What would your family think of this?

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