Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 19 FirstFirst 123456 ... LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 189

Thread: Can I Safely Date Older Men?

  1. #21
    katrina1980
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    1,566
    Thanked
    1000
    SkyBlue, I am a bit confused... you say you like older people (men and women) generally speaking and are seeking a man who can be more of a mentor to you.

    But your thread title asks if it's safe to "date" them and you also said you are not "attracted to" men (boys) your own age, but said you are attracted to older men.

    All of which would suggest you actually want to "date" them NOT have them be your "mentor."

    Can you clarify please? Which is it?

    Do you want to date them or have them as mentors? To connect with and learn from. Your exact words.

    Frankly I think a 40 year old man and an 18 year old girl together is a little creepy, and has the potential to be quite dangerous and NOT safe at all.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 01-06-2017 at 07:00 PM.

  2. Thanks Marci1992, RainyCoast thanked for this post
  3. #22
    SkyBlue98
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2017
    Posts
    61
    Thanked
    7
    Quote Originally Posted by katrina1980 [Register to see the link]
    SkyBlue, I am a bit confused... you say you like older people (men and women) generally speaking and are seeking a man who can be more of a mentor to you.

    But your thread title asks if it's safe to "date" them and you also said you are not "attracted to" men (boys) your own age, but said you are attracted to older men.

    All of which would suggest you actually want to "date" them NOT have them be your "mentor."

    Can you clarify please? Which is it?

    Do you want to date them or have them as mentors? To connect with and learn from. Your exact words.

    Frankly I think a 40 year old man and an 18 year old girl together is a little creepy, and has the potential to be quite dangerous and NOT safe at all.
    I'd like to date an older man... I do find them attractive but realistically, I know it might be tough to find someone who's both older and, you know, not creepy. So I would also like to just have friends who are older, people who I can talk to for advice or just life in general... Does that make sense?

  4. #23
    Jeffbobo
    Gold Member Jeffbobo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Location
    Minneapolis
    Age
    47
    Posts
    636
    Gender
    Male
    Thanked
    348
    As a man in my fourties, I'd never date someone that's 18 or half my age for a number of reasons...

    1. An 18 year old woman has her whole life in front of her. I'd not want to deprive her of all the life experiences that I've had. That journey, family, career, struggles, goals, dreams, etc., from your age to where I'm at now... That journey, I believe would be best if traveled with someone your own age.
    2. At my age, I want someone who has gone through some of the same life experiences as I have had. Someone that I can learn things from as well as them learning from me. Someone I can relate to. Life is about learning and continuing to grow.

    I'm not here to say that a large age gap is wrong, just that it wouldn't work for me for the reasons stated above as well as a few others.

  5. #24
    RainyCoast
    Platinum Member RainyCoast's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Europe
    Posts
    3,349
    Gender
    Female
    Thanked
    2412
    I could've written this when i was your age. I didn't want to date 40 year olds exactly, but i had a strange pull towards some archetype of male maturity and wisdom, and felt like i was always on the lookout for it. I did know it was due to a lack of a father figure, so it didn't evolve into a romantic phantasy--i think, at least. Most of my boyfriends were older than me, but we're not talking decades. Gebaird hit the nail on the head: it's not an issue about attraction, but about parental figures.

    What you are looking for is not a relationship, but transference love. It's wonderfully dealt with in therapy. As already mentioned, 40 year olds aren't motivated to mentor and reparent 18 year old girls. Some are motivated to find naive dependents, and that is not due to their appreciation of the girls, but due to serious psychological and characterological problems ( and again, as has been mentioned, it tends to get quite dangerous). Outside of therapeutic settings, you'll find men neither capable or ethical or interested in furthering your growth through "good enough parenting".

    I do have friendships with older women. Those have usually worked well for me. If you recognize you're looking for modelling in areas you've not been well empowered at a young age and not confuse your need for inspiration for something else, they're fine. My best friend is a 62 year old female. Interestingly enough, she doesn't treat me like a daughter or a kid, but an equal, and claims she gets the same empowerment and inspiration from the friendship as I do. Not claiming i match her level of maturity - simply that we both have equally valuable things to bring to the table, that each can draw something valuable ( and ethical- which you don't get if you exchange intimacy for daddying or tutoring with an older man) from the other. But then. I'm 32 now. And have had my share of being put down-- and was forced to outgrow the underling role. I'm not easily drawn to relationships marked by an imbalance of power these days. Friendships are marked by mutual growing, discovering, encouragement and appreciation-- not one party looking to be soothed and appreciated for infantility. I can't really imagine having a friendship like that at 18. Though i enjoyed the company of mature women then, and they thought well of me, i wasn't their "friend" of course. Maybe good company at times, fun at family gatherings, and a good kid to know, but not a friend.

    To be fair, i have dated 2 men younger than myself. I can't say that they were less mature than the older ones. They were in fact wise for their age, their lack of maturity was linked directly to their limited life experience and...growing pains for lack of a better term. The older guys were immature, as stated, due to their psychological damage and troublesome personality. No mentorship there lol. I did learn things from observing truly ethical mature men. Nothing more than observing, because it wouldn't cross their mind, or mine.

    It would be well to think for yourself about the described appeal of older men. Mentorship, safety and reliability are paternal qualities desired for a healthy emotional development in a child, who in turn can model his or her future relationships on this safe and encouraging bond. Adult relationships, to be healthy, functional and supportive of both sides' emotional wellbeing, require mutuality and a recognized equality in terms of development and power. Holding a partner's apron strings is a way to get yourself abused in many interesting ways, and locked up inside your "insufficiency".

    Try thinking about this pull toward maturity as a call for role models. You can observe how functional adults of both sexes function as partners, parents, and singles, how they relate romantically, how they parent their children, and most importantly, how they parent themselves.

    At the end of the day, you'll come to realize you're the only one who can rescript your parents' lack by parenting yourself. If you present the question in therapy as you did here, you'll speed up the process significantly, and avoid decades of codependency and presumed inability to be in control of yourself and your own life.
    Last edited by RainyCoast; 01-06-2017 at 09:34 PM.

  6. Thanks Zaphod, JoyfulCompany, Andrina, Jibralta thanked for this post
  7. #25
    Zaphod
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Not possible to determine accurately due to gravitational lensing.
    Posts
    1,103
    Gender
    Male
    Thanked
    678
    I'll chuck in a dollars (American) worth of not so much opinion but protocol, or lie-of the-land.

    I myself am 45, and I like younger women, you know, women in their late 20's and 30's. I also fancy women who are in their 60's, and in very rare cases, early 70's. No I'm not joking. Some women are that attractive that they hold it until a ridiculous age, seemingly forever. Not sure I'd actually like to sleep with a woman in her 70's, but I do find some of them very attractive.

    However, 18 year old birds = not very sexually attractive, ironically enough. I like a woman, and a bit of age gives a female a "womanly" air about her. Having said that, I'm sure there is the odd 18 year old who can hold her own.

    Guys in their 40's who like 18 year old women - I wouldn't call that "creepy", or rather I find little point in calling it "creepy", as it is a subjective term, and no one cares what other people find creepy. However, you may find it to be "sleazy" as in they will hide the intention that they just want to have sex with you behind something seemingly deeper or a seemingly more meaningful intent. There will be an element of deceipt about it.

    There are plenty of 25 year old men that will supply you with what you need, and quite frankly, they won't get as easily bored with you as a 40 something man would.

    In essence, there's absolutely nothing "wrong" with a 40 something man dating an 18 year old girl, but he'll probably get bored of her fairly quick, and also, the amount of pitchfork brigade style ribbing that will come from the sticky beaks will probably get to you both in the end. You need to remember that society, while it makes out to have addressed racism, and sexism, is still extremely ageist in this respect. It just has an extremely low chance of working out past a very short period of time. You've got a very low chance of this actually working out for you.

    I am much in favour of age gap relationships because it adds interest, or can do. But 18 - can you hold your own intellectually to hold a 40 something man's interest? I think not. Mind you, I don't know you, so what do I know?

    Why don't you try it and find out? Worst that can happen is you get heartbroken, which can happen with a man of any age. The heart wants what the heart wants, as they say.

    People used to face this dilemma when dating people of different races, and cultures, and indeed of the same sex.

    I think the lowdown is - There's nothing wrong with it, but it's extremely unlikely to actually work, although it hasn't been unknown. It's like long distance relationships in that respect. So enter into it knowing that your chances of getting anything other than sexual intent masked as genuine personal interest are very low.

    BTW - That's a great post up there by RainyCoast. She knows what she's talking about, probably all that fresh air she gets. Lucky bugger .

  8. Thanks dias, Clarisse, Wiseman2 thanked for this post
  9. #26
    Zaphod
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Not possible to determine accurately due to gravitational lensing.
    Posts
    1,103
    Gender
    Male
    Thanked
    678
    Quote Originally Posted by SkyBlue98 [Register to see the link]
    I'd like to date an older man... I do find them attractive but realistically, I know it might be tough to find someone who's both older and, you know, not creepy. So I would also like to just have friends who are older, people who I can talk to for advice or just life in general... Does that make sense?
    What do you mean "creepy"? This word comes up a lot on this thread. And how is it possible to find them creepy and attractive at the same time?

  10. Thanks RainyCoast thanked for this post
  11. #27
    RainyCoast
    Platinum Member RainyCoast's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Europe
    Posts
    3,349
    Gender
    Female
    Thanked
    2412
    hehe, plently of aria fresca here these days, it's been very windy. you remided me of something with this...
    But 18 - can you hold your own intellectually to hold a 40 something man's interest? I think not. Mind you, I don't know you, so what do I know?
    i don't know OP either so maybe this is completely irrelevant and unnecessary...But OP if the parental issues also involve something quite traumatic...chances are you not only feel more mature than your peers, but that in some ways you are. The way trauma splits the Self, some parts will shows signs of tremendous precocious development. "trauma babies" (the father of trauma theory called them "wise babies") can be unusually intelligent, or of great atristic talent, and quite often their public persona will appear psychologically apt-- this is because they had to learn to "think and feel" like their aggressors, to know them inside out, for purposes of avoiding danger whenever possible by detecting a change in mood on time for example.

    if this feels like it relates to you, it makes sense you'd conclude you relate to mature people better. What is left out in this kind of reasoning is the undeveloped part of the personality, stuck at the age of trauma, neglect, deprivation etc. That's the part that's looking for an older man, and that is the part from which you will find yourself relating to one. Like a helpless, emotionally starved baby. How erotic, functional, deep and mature. Not. Let that sink in.

    another thing to remind yourself of, is that while some men may find it pleasing for a while to have a naive admiring girl dependent on them...the appeal of having a dependent soon wears of. Eventually, the "childlike" persona begins to evoke disdain and disgust.

    yet another thing to keep in mind...anyone who needs to experience themselves as mature and powerful in contrast with a child almost, is certainly not mature and powerful. It would not be surprising to find yourself...mothering an oversized baby.

    it's not even so much the huge age gap itself. it's the aspect of looking to relate from an infantile standpoint, the role you assign yourself and the other in a kind of preambule before you even start a relationship..it tells you exactly the kind of dynamics you're setting yourself up for.

  12. Thanks Zaphod thanked for this post
  13. #28
    Zaphod
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Not possible to determine accurately due to gravitational lensing.
    Posts
    1,103
    Gender
    Male
    Thanked
    678
    Quote Originally Posted by RainyCoast [Register to see the link]
    hehe, plently of aria fresca here these days, it's been very windy. you remided me of something with this...


    i don't know OP either so maybe this is completely irrelevant and unnecessary...But OP if the parental issues also involve something quite traumatic...chances are you not only feel more mature than your peers, but that in some ways you are. The way trauma splits the Self, some parts will shows signs of tremendous precocious development. "trauma babies" (the father of trauma theory called them "wise babies") can be unusually intelligent, or of great atristic talent, and quite often their public persona will appear psychologically apt-- this is because they had to learn to "think and feel" like their aggressors, to know them inside out, for purposes of avoiding danger whenever possible by detecting a change in mood on time for example.

    if this feels like it relates to you, it makes sense you'd conclude you relate to mature people better. What is left out in this kind of reasoning is the undeveloped part of the personality, stuck at the age of trauma, neglect, deprivation etc. That's the part that's looking for an older man, and that is the part from which you will find yourself relating to one. Like a helpless, emotionally starved baby. How erotic, functional, deep and mature. Not. Let that sink in.

    another thing to remind yourself of, is that while some men may find it pleasing for a while to have a naive admiring girl dependent on them...the appeal of having a dependent soon wears of. Eventually, the "childlike" persona begins to evoke disdain and disgust.

    yet another thing to keep in mind...anyone who needs to experience themselves as mature and powerful in contrast with a child almost, is certainly not mature and powerful. It would not be surprising to find yourself...mothering an oversized baby.

    it's not even so much the huge age gap itself. it's the aspect of looking to relate from an infantile standpoint, the role you assign yourself and the other in a kind of preambule before you even start a relationship..it tells you exactly the kind of dynamics you're setting yourself up for.
    You're on the IQ pills again tonight, I see. Another great post, where are you conjuring all this up from?

    You advertently or inadvertently bring up an interesting point. Who do people date when they feel excluded, or seperate, from people of their own age bracket? That's a tough one.

  14. #29
    Fudgie
    Forum Supporter Fudgie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Posts
    14,989
    Gender
    Female
    Thanked
    2227
    OP, when I was your age (I'm late 20s now), I dated older men exclusively and had a couple relationships with men much older than myself, one lasted a few years.

    No regrets. I get the attraction and I still see much older men when I am out and about that I find attractive. My boyfriend is about my age now but I am still glad that I spent a lot of time dating older. I learned a lot and had some nice relationships in the end.

    I have no advice other than to be careful. There are creeps out there. I was lucky, I ran into them but never dated them because I was so quick to cut people off. If you do decide to date older, just keep your eyes peeled and don't let anyone use age as a reason to be an authority figure over you.

    Good luck.

  15. Thanks Zaphod, RainyCoast, Rising100 thanked for this post
  16. #30
    Zaphod
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Not possible to determine accurately due to gravitational lensing.
    Posts
    1,103
    Gender
    Male
    Thanked
    678
    My most successful relationship, or certainly top three, was with a woman who was 21 and I was 35. She chased me. Interesting thing was, she was from a different country, and that bought a new angle to the age gap thing. I forgot she was younger than me within no time at all, she was just... there. Went out with her for four years.

    Biggest problem was I found from a man's point of view - women can change a lot at that age. As a matter of fact, I'm still friends (loosely) with her now. And she's unrecognisable from the woman I dated, although the way she is now, I like her as friends. We still have some particular interests in common. If she'd had stayed that woman, I would maybe still be with her now. She ended the relationship, but I think I got a bit bored with her a time before that.

    I'm not sure whether men change a lot at that age, maybe the women can answer that.

    The ironic twist is this (and it's a cruel one) - Men want women to stay the same, but women change. Women want men to change but men stay the same. Ok, not all the time, but it happens quite a lot, I notice. Perhaps nature and evolution have a reason for this, or perhaps it's a result of social conditioning, I don't know. But it's a real bummer.

  17. Thanks RainyCoast, Clarisse thanked for this post
  18.  

Page 3 of 19 FirstFirst 123456 ... LastLast
Top Threads
Weight and eating during dates
Hi, been a while since I've posted here. Anyway been dating a guy for last few months, everything seemed to be going pretty well for the most part
Dating a highly functional alcoholic
I have realized over time that my boyfriend of a couple of months has a problem with alcohol. Every time we hang out, he drinks a whole bottle of
Am i being materialisitc/superficial
my friend has been bugging me for some time now, saying that I will never settle down with a man unless I lower my standards. I'm a young 29 year
Met a guy who seems way too busy for a relationship
Met a guy who seems way too busy for a relationship. Heís great in every sense. Heís smart, funny, attractive, but he seems way too preoccupied
How important are looks in a woman in attracting a mate and finding love?
How important are looks (and body) in a woman in attracting a mate and finding love? What if I don't have the hottest body and prettiest of face?
Girlfriends brother wants to beat me up
hello, i am a white male dating an indian girl with two older brothers. She comes from a traditional family and her brothers do not want her dating
Really need advice
This is my first post here and I signed up just to get opinions from others on this. My best friend of 13 years invited me to stay with him back in

Expert Advice
Featured Threads
Dating younger guy 24 years difference
I am 50 yrs old dating a 26 yrs old guy. We been dating each other for a couple months things are great between us. He told me he will always be
Boyfriend gets very angry if I mention his ex, is this normal?
Hi everyone! My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 5months. He broke up with his ex and a year and a half ago. 7 months after they
Should I let my boyfriend stay overnight with his friends?
Hi there. Firstly thank you for reading this post. I am a new member to this forum, and also will soon be new immigrant of the UK so basically there
Is this abuse?
Iím desperate for some advice. Iíve been with my partner for nearly 2 years and everything has been ok, except from when he drinks. I really do not
Is there hope for me?
Me and my girlfriend of two years had been talking about moving in together lately. We didn't actually go look at any place in person, but browsed a
Bringing up trust issues at the start of a new relationship? My situation...
Haven't been on these boards since my last break up a couple years ago, and here I am about to begin a new relationship with feelings from the last
Whats my next move - Dating a girl fresh out of a relationship
Hey guys, So heres the deal. Met a girl in class and I asked her out. Her answer was "maybe" because she didn't want to say no to me but just
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •