Jump to content

Can I Safely Date Older Men?


SkyBlue98

Recommended Posts

If you're reading this, thank you so much and I'll try not to go on and on basically I'm an 18 year old girl and I'm very inexperienced at relationships. I've never had a boyfriend, and the farthest I've ever gone with a guy is having one awkwardly shove his tongue into my mouth at prom. So, basically nothing.

 

For whatever reason I've always been attracted to older men. In my defense, I really like older women as well, in a friendly way- I probably feel more connected to them than girls my age. But I REALLY like older men, like men in their 40s and sometimes even older. I think they just seem so much more intelligent and they have so much to say. I just can't really feel very much for guys my age- some of them are sweet, but I just don't feel attraction.

 

If I was in my 20s this wouldn't be a big deal, but I'm only 18. I'm on okcupid and I do sometimes get contacted by men in their 40s but then I'm not really impressed with those guys... They seem immature, if they're 40-something and hitting on an 18-year-old online.

 

My fantasy is to meet someone older than me naturally, someone who I could start out having a friendship with, or who could almost be like a mentor to me. Someone who wouldn't meet me and be looking at me with the intention of eventually sleeping with me. But who knows how long that could take? I really have the urge to be with someone, but I want it to be someone I can like and respect, and vice versa.

 

I was thinking of just finding guys on okcupid who seem nice and then messaging them, but I just wish I could meet someone in a more natural way... What are your thoughts? (Oh, and please don't tell me to just wait a few years. That may be the obvious answer, but that's also really difficult.)

 

Thank you!

Link to comment
  • Replies 188
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Any guy on OLD that sees that you are interested in 40 something men will think you want a sugar daddy, a guy to take care of you, buy you things and of course have sex.

 

It sounds like you want a father figure not a bf.

 

You will not find what you are looking for online, make friends at work, hang out where the crowd is a little older than you and smile and talk to guys and I am sure you will get attention.

 

Lost

Link to comment

You're not going to make friends on okcupid any more than you are on other dating sites. The guys who contact you on there are doing so for the express purpose of dating/sleeping with an 18 year old.

 

All you can do to fulfill the criteria you have is meet more old men. That said, most 40 yr old men who'd date an 18 year old are well... yeah, age is no indicator of intelligence.

 

Sounds to me more like you want an older guy who'd make you feel safe but without actually moving on an attraction to you. That is not really possible. Don't start off your romantic life by trying to find a second Daddy.

Link to comment

Agree..that's a fantasy. Dating sites are not for mentoring or friends. They are for dating and sex and relationships. Try dating some collage aged guys. They may be more mature, intelligent and interesting to you than high school boys. Middle aged men are often married and have kids your age.

My fantasy is to meet someone older than me naturally, someone who I could start out having a friendship with, or who could almost be like a mentor to me. Someone who wouldn't meet me and be looking at me with the intention of eventually sleeping with me.
Link to comment

There *are* guys that have goals, ambition and know where they're going in life that are your age and a few years older. There are also guys in their 40's that just don't have it together by that point in their lives; don't assume that age is synonymous with having it all together. The great thing about finding someone in your age group, preferably someone who has direction as mentioned above, is that you can both experience that trip through life together. It's just finding a guy your age with the right mindset.

Link to comment
Agree..that's a fantasy. Dating sites are not for mentoring or friends. They are for dating and sex and relationships.

 

Yes, a fantasy.

 

SkyBlue, Wiseman makes a good point. Generally speaking, people on dating sites are not there to serve other people. They are there to serve their own interests.

 

Another thing, very few 40-year old men or women have the desire to befriend and mentor 18 year olds for purely altruistic purposes. Time becomes more precious as we get older. We have our careers, relationships, and children to manage. We tend to be become extremely protective of these things, as we have often invested years if not decades into them already. Many of us hardly have time to cultivate new friendships with people our own age, let alone 18 year olds. There is quite a maturity gap there, which would take patience and time to bridge, and frankly one who embarks upon the effort probably has ulterior motives, like the desire to sleep with you. A true mentor, for example one you would find in a career setting or a perhaps a church setting, isn't motivated by sex. Neither is a true mentee. "Mentor to lover" is a fantasy.

 

You say that you feel "more connected" with 40 year olds. But let me ask you, do you have any friends who are in their 40s?

Link to comment
Yes, a fantasy.

 

SkyBlue, Wiseman makes a good point. Generally speaking, people on dating sites are not there to serve other people. They are there to serve their own interests.

 

Another thing, very few 40-year old men or women have the desire to befriend and mentor 18 year olds for purely altruistic purposes. Time becomes more precious as we get older. We have our careers, relationships, and children to manage. We tend to be become extremely protective of these things, as we have often invested years if not decades into them already. Many of us hardly have time to cultivate new friendships with people our own age, let alone 18 year olds. There is quite a maturity gap there, which would take patience and time to bridge, and frankly one who embarks upon the effort probably has ulterior motives, like the desire to sleep with you. A true mentor, for example one you would find in a career setting or a perhaps a church setting, isn't motivated by sex. Neither is a true mentee. "Mentor to lover" is a fantasy.

 

You say that you feel "more connected" with 40 year olds. But let me ask you, do you have any friends who are in their 40s?

 

Actually, one of the women who I have felt closest to in the world (not a member of my family either) is 55 yrs old. This is my point; I feel much more alive around people who are older than me.

 

I'm also not talking about meeting a mentor on a dating site; I was talking about in life. I don't expect a mentor to turn into a boyfriend- what I really want is just to meet someone who I can connect with and learn from. I don't expect someone to put their marriage/kids on the line for me; actually that's exactly what I don't want.

Link to comment
My fantasy is to meet someone older than me naturally
In what world are people 22+ years older than each other meeting "naturally?" I mean other than the subway or where one or the other is in a position of authority? You don't even have people in nursing homes covering that wide a spectrum.

 

Honestly, just google image "sexy george clooney" and have at it, then when you're back down to earth, start considering closer to your age range. Because if it's maturity you want, you'd stand a much better chance with someone around your age than a 40+ year old looking for some barely-out-of-high-school tail.

Link to comment

Why don't you go to college? Plenty of mentors and people you can learn from there. It sounds more like your life lacks direction than that you "are attracted to older men".

 

Check online for some universities and colleges you can go to, start applying and visiting campuses. You'll get plenty of direction and focus for yourself and lots of smart, mature, mentoring people there.

I'm also not talking about meeting a mentor on a dating site; I was talking about in life. I don't expect a mentor to turn into a boyfriend- what I really want is just to meet someone who I can connect with and learn from.
Link to comment
In what world are people 22+ years older than each other meeting "naturally?" I mean other than the subway or where one or the other is in a position of authority? You don't even have people in nursing homes covering that wide a spectrum.

 

Honestly, just google image "sexy george clooney" and have at it, then when you're back down to earth, start considering closer to your age range. Because if it's maturity you want, you'd stand a much better chance with someone around your age than a 40+ year old looking for some barely-out-of-high-school tail.

 

Riiight, looking at George Clooney is going to solve all my problems. Did you even read my whole question? If you're going to be so rude and dismissive, why even bother answering?

Link to comment
I'm also not talking about meeting a mentor on a dating site; I was talking about in life. I don't expect a mentor to turn into a boyfriend- what I really want is just to meet someone who I can connect with and learn from. I don't expect someone to put their marriage/kids on the line for me; actually that's exactly what I don't want.

 

Good. This makes me happy to hear (see).

 

Actually, one of the women who I have felt closest to in the world (not a member of my family either) is 55 yrs old. This is my point; I feel much more alive around people who are older than me.

 

Well, I often feel comforted by people who are older and wiser than me, too--especially if they are kind and caring. It's natural, I think.

 

But my question was more along the lines of, do you have a regular group of 40-yo friends who you see and hang out with socially, on a regular basis?

Link to comment

If you aren't attracted to men who are appropriate and available to date , maybe you just aren't ready to date at all. You don't want to hear that but it's valid. What's the rush ?

 

Once you build up some life experience, your tastes may change. Once you fill this need of guidance in your life, the attraction may no longer be so limiting in scope.

Link to comment

SkyBlue, I am a bit confused... you say you like older people (men and women) generally speaking and are seeking a man who can be more of a mentor to you.

 

But your thread title asks if it's safe to "date" them and you also said you are not "attracted to" men (boys) your own age, but said you are attracted to older men.

 

All of which would suggest you actually want to "date" them NOT have them be your "mentor."

 

Can you clarify please? Which is it?

 

Do you want to date them or have them as mentors? To connect with and learn from. Your exact words.

 

Frankly I think a 40 year old man and an 18 year old girl together is a little creepy, and has the potential to be quite dangerous and NOT safe at all.

Link to comment
SkyBlue, I am a bit confused... you say you like older people (men and women) generally speaking and are seeking a man who can be more of a mentor to you.

 

But your thread title asks if it's safe to "date" them and you also said you are not "attracted to" men (boys) your own age, but said you are attracted to older men.

 

All of which would suggest you actually want to "date" them NOT have them be your "mentor."

 

Can you clarify please? Which is it?

 

Do you want to date them or have them as mentors? To connect with and learn from. Your exact words.

 

Frankly I think a 40 year old man and an 18 year old girl together is a little creepy, and has the potential to be quite dangerous and NOT safe at all.

 

I'd like to date an older man... I do find them attractive but realistically, I know it might be tough to find someone who's both older and, you know, not creepy. So I would also like to just have friends who are older, people who I can talk to for advice or just life in general... Does that make sense?

Link to comment

As a man in my fourties, I'd never date someone that's 18 or half my age for a number of reasons...

 

1. An 18 year old woman has her whole life in front of her. I'd not want to deprive her of all the life experiences that I've had. That journey, family, career, struggles, goals, dreams, etc., from your age to where I'm at now... That journey, I believe would be best if traveled with someone your own age.

2. At my age, I want someone who has gone through some of the same life experiences as I have had. Someone that I can learn things from as well as them learning from me. Someone I can relate to. Life is about learning and continuing to grow.

 

I'm not here to say that a large age gap is wrong, just that it wouldn't work for me for the reasons stated above as well as a few others.

Link to comment

I could've written this when i was your age. I didn't want to date 40 year olds exactly, but i had a strange pull towards some archetype of male maturity and wisdom, and felt like i was always on the lookout for it. I did know it was due to a lack of a father figure, so it didn't evolve into a romantic phantasy--i think, at least. Most of my boyfriends were older than me, but we're not talking decades. Gebaird hit the nail on the head: it's not an issue about attraction, but about parental figures.

 

What you are looking for is not a relationship, but transference love. It's wonderfully dealt with in therapy. As already mentioned, 40 year olds aren't motivated to mentor and reparent 18 year old girls. Some are motivated to find naive dependents, and that is not due to their appreciation of the girls, but due to serious psychological and characterological problems ( and again, as has been mentioned, it tends to get quite dangerous). Outside of therapeutic settings, you'll find men neither capable or ethical or interested in furthering your growth through "good enough parenting".

 

I do have friendships with older women. Those have usually worked well for me. If you recognize you're looking for modelling in areas you've not been well empowered at a young age and not confuse your need for inspiration for something else, they're fine. My best friend is a 62 year old female. Interestingly enough, she doesn't treat me like a daughter or a kid, but an equal, and claims she gets the same empowerment and inspiration from the friendship as I do. Not claiming i match her level of maturity - simply that we both have equally valuable things to bring to the table, that each can draw something valuable ( and ethical- which you don't get if you exchange intimacy for daddying or tutoring with an older man) from the other. But then. I'm 32 now. And have had my share of being put down-- and was forced to outgrow the underling role. I'm not easily drawn to relationships marked by an imbalance of power these days. Friendships are marked by mutual growing, discovering, encouragement and appreciation-- not one party looking to be soothed and appreciated for infantility. I can't really imagine having a friendship like that at 18. Though i enjoyed the company of mature women then, and they thought well of me, i wasn't their "friend" of course. Maybe good company at times, fun at family gatherings, and a good kid to know, but not a friend.

 

To be fair, i have dated 2 men younger than myself. I can't say that they were less mature than the older ones. They were in fact wise for their age, their lack of maturity was linked directly to their limited life experience and...growing pains for lack of a better term. The older guys were immature, as stated, due to their psychological damage and troublesome personality. No mentorship there lol. I did learn things from observing truly ethical mature men. Nothing more than observing, because it wouldn't cross their mind, or mine.

 

It would be well to think for yourself about the described appeal of older men. Mentorship, safety and reliability are paternal qualities desired for a healthy emotional development in a child, who in turn can model his or her future relationships on this safe and encouraging bond. Adult relationships, to be healthy, functional and supportive of both sides' emotional wellbeing, require mutuality and a recognized equality in terms of development and power. Holding a partner's apron strings is a way to get yourself abused in many interesting ways, and locked up inside your "insufficiency".

 

Try thinking about this pull toward maturity as a call for role models. You can observe how functional adults of both sexes function as partners, parents, and singles, how they relate romantically, how they parent their children, and most importantly, how they parent themselves.

 

At the end of the day, you'll come to realize you're the only one who can rescript your parents' lack by parenting yourself. If you present the question in therapy as you did here, you'll speed up the process significantly, and avoid decades of codependency and presumed inability to be in control of yourself and your own life.

Link to comment

I'll chuck in a dollars (American) worth of not so much opinion but protocol, or lie-of the-land.

 

I myself am 45, and I like younger women, you know, women in their late 20's and 30's. I also fancy women who are in their 60's, and in very rare cases, early 70's. No I'm not joking. Some women are that attractive that they hold it until a ridiculous age, seemingly forever. Not sure I'd actually like to sleep with a woman in her 70's, but I do find some of them very attractive.

 

However, 18 year old birds = not very sexually attractive, ironically enough. I like a woman, and a bit of age gives a female a "womanly" air about her. Having said that, I'm sure there is the odd 18 year old who can hold her own.

 

Guys in their 40's who like 18 year old women - I wouldn't call that "creepy", or rather I find little point in calling it "creepy", as it is a subjective term, and no one cares what other people find creepy. However, you may find it to be "sleazy" as in they will hide the intention that they just want to have sex with you behind something seemingly deeper or a seemingly more meaningful intent. There will be an element of deceipt about it.

 

There are plenty of 25 year old men that will supply you with what you need, and quite frankly, they won't get as easily bored with you as a 40 something man would.

 

In essence, there's absolutely nothing "wrong" with a 40 something man dating an 18 year old girl, but he'll probably get bored of her fairly quick, and also, the amount of pitchfork brigade style ribbing that will come from the sticky beaks will probably get to you both in the end. You need to remember that society, while it makes out to have addressed racism, and sexism, is still extremely ageist in this respect. It just has an extremely low chance of working out past a very short period of time. You've got a very low chance of this actually working out for you.

 

I am much in favour of age gap relationships because it adds interest, or can do. But 18 - can you hold your own intellectually to hold a 40 something man's interest? I think not. Mind you, I don't know you, so what do I know?

 

Why don't you try it and find out? Worst that can happen is you get heartbroken, which can happen with a man of any age. The heart wants what the heart wants, as they say.

 

People used to face this dilemma when dating people of different races, and cultures, and indeed of the same sex.

 

I think the lowdown is - There's nothing wrong with it, but it's extremely unlikely to actually work, although it hasn't been unknown. It's like long distance relationships in that respect. So enter into it knowing that your chances of getting anything other than sexual intent masked as genuine personal interest are very low.

 

BTW - That's a great post up there by RainyCoast. She knows what she's talking about, probably all that fresh air she gets. Lucky bugger

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...