My boyfriend occasionally hints at his past

Hello All:

So here is the deal--I have been dating a wonderful man for the past five months. His actions indicate that he is committed in every sense of the word: he is always there, willing to help, make time and sacrifice. He always tells me not to pay attention to what he says, but rather, what he does. If his actions are indicators, he is a solid and committed man. I've found him outside in -1 degree weather, scraping the frost off my car windshield, just to provide one example among many, many others. He does, however, have one habit that I hate. Over the past five months (at least 4 times), he will vaguely reference his dating and sexual past. For example, once we were kissing and I commented on how skilled he was, to which he replied, "I've had a lot of practice." I let it go the first time. The second time it happened, I was more explicit but kind. I said, "Hey sweetie, do me a favor, and please don't bring your past into the bedroom when it directly concerns us. It makes me feel jealous. I don't care if you talk about past relationships in general, but not when it relates to us."

A few months went by and he seemed receptive. Then last night we were laughing and discussing our first date, because we had initially met online, then in person at a coffee shop. We then talked about our eventual first kiss on the date and he asked if I could tell he was nervous. I told him that I could tell he was nervous, but that it was endearing, because he still swooped in to kiss me with confidence. To which he replied, "Yeah, I've done that a few times before." It's like, ugh, I get it! He's had experience! I've had experience! We're 35 and 40 years old, so of course we have a past. But I am increasingly uncomfortable with these (albeit infrequent) weird references in which he asserts his past dating experience while we are being emotionally or physically intimate. To make it even weirder, I am *fairly certain* that although he has dated more in recent years, that I am far more sexually-advanced, a fact that he has inferred, although I seriously try not to discuss that!!

What do I do? I have told him twice now, in no uncertain terms, that I don't like this habit. Am I being unclear? Should I just accept it as an infrequent thing? Can I change this or do I give up? Help???

Sorry to hear this. Only insecure men need to brag about their conquests, particularly it's pretty stupid to tell your gf about it.. So 5 mos in you are seeing a red flag. Keep reiterating that it's rude to go on and on about his sexual exploits and not about "jealousy". Make it about him, not you it's just rude period.

I have been dating a wonderful man for the past five months. We're 35 and 40 years old, so of course we have a past.

I mean... that's about as mild as it gets. Different strokes for different folks, but I couldn't understand getting anywhere near this insecure or upset about such comments.

It's not him referencing his "sexual past." It's him not knowing how to take a compliment. Think about any time you've told a girlfriend, "I love your hair," and rather than the "thanks" she should say, she takes it upon herself to qualify the compliment further, talking about how long it took or something. Similar concept here. You tell him he's good at something. He tells you why he is.

I thought his lines were funny and sarcastic - and SOOO not a dig at you. Obviously, you don't get his sense of humor, like at all. Like at all. I don't see this working out so well.

I mean are you saying you two can't share stuff - I'd probably say stuff like this to my hubby, and he'd just laugh.

I wouldn't bother with a dude that compared me to exes, or brought up things he did with exes, but he's talking about how he's kissed people before in general. I guess you're not into sarcasm. And that's okay. But I don't see him doing anything wrong - you're just not into that humor.

Tattoobunnie: it is not that we cannot share things. We do. We have. I am totally fine with sharing specifics about our past relationships, but he did not generally mean that he's kissed a lot of people; he was pointedly referring to the fact that he'd met and dated a lot of women online and that moving in for a kiss was something he'd done a lot before. He and I had talked about it before plenty of times, it was fine. What I am not fine with is suddenly re-iterating that he's dated a lot of women online as we are sharing an intimate memory of a first date. I am not sure if that is a matter of humor. I think it's a matter of an ill-timed reiteration--one that was not a general comment.

Does he fancy himself to be some type of player or ladies man?

I am not fine with is suddenly re-iterating that he's dated a lot of women online as we are sharing an intimate memory of a first date.

He doesn't seem to display either player or ladies' man traits within the general context of our relationship at all...but he definitely seems to want me to know that he's had all this, like a lot, of past experience. It's to the point where it seems awkward and ill-suited when this implication occurs between us. Moreover, based upon what I can deduce, I am the one with more experience in relationships, both committed and casual alike. Hands down. I do my best to be very nebulous, respectful, and vague about this...but it is apparent. What do you think?

I fail to see how "I've had a lot of practice" translates to "I dated a lot of women online"...I still just think you two are incompatible. One sounds funny. Your words that you are putting in his mouth sound totally out of place in that moment.

"pay attention to his actions/not his words" i say when a man is the strong silent type or the socially awkward type - a man that is of few words can show his love by being there for you, etc. - ignore the fact that he is not a natural poet with his words. But when a man uses too many words - talks about past sex partners, etc, and if his words are disrespectful towards you, you DO need to pay attention to his words, too.

Like you, I would have no problem if a 40 year old man had kissed other women in his past - its the moment he brings it up which is the problem - if he goes in for a kiss with you in a lighthearted or intimate moment and has to bring it up right then and there rather than when the two of you are talking about your awkward prom dates or something on topic, etc. Its a major buzzkill. It is almost to me like saying "this kiss isn't very special - been there/done that!"

that although he has dated more in recent years, that I am far more sexually-advanced, a fact that he has inferred, although I seriously try not to discuss that!!

I think that is the heart of the matter. Actually, there is no such thing as "more sexually advanced" - just a higher number of partners. Two people could have never had sex before and when they come together the chemistry is magical - with chemistry, feedback and communication, they can have a high quality sex life that "experience" can not overshadow - or two people where one has had a number of relationships and one has had one. its not like learning a trade where years as a welder really DO make a difference or what year you are in of grad school.

I don't really know what i'd say to him. But I would be annoyed.

Please allow me to translate: when we were specifically discussing our first kiss, I mentioned how sweet it was, the confidence with which he moved. He responded "Yeah, I've done that once or twice." He was not speaking generally. He was specifically referring to--based upon many previous talks--that he has that token move on a first date after meeting a woman online. Those weren't words that I was magically conjuring; he was reiterating that he's been on online dates and kissed people before. During an otherwise tender moment. If you think that's funny, then you and I may differ about the merits of humor.

Is he a serial dater or looking for something long term?

he has that token move on a first date after meeting a woman online.

Please allow me to translate: when we were specifically discussing our first kiss, I mentioned how sweet it was, the confidence with which he moved. He responded "Yeah, I've done that once or twice." He was not speaking generally. He was specifically referring to--based upon many previous talks--that he has that token move on a first date after meeting a woman online. Those weren't words that I was magically conjuring; he was reiterating that he's been on online dates and kissed people before. During an otherwise tender moment. If you think that's funny, then you and I may differ about the merits of humor.

That stinks. To me, if my guy said that I had confidence in the first kiss - it would mean that it was pretty gutsy to go for a kiss and to get up the nerve to do it, and not about prior experience i did or didn't have.

You know what I just thought of? This guy might be a little fearful of intimacy - because whenever you have a tender moment, he needs to throw this in to ruin the mood. Kissing is a very intimate thing - its emotionally intimate and not just about sex. there are men who will have sex with women but never or seldom actual have a tender moment kissing them during or at any other random time that doesn't involve intercourse. Interesting, I can't count on my hand the times my ex husband actually kissed me. My ex would do things like act like he was doing something romantic - such as tell me he was taking me out on valentine's day to a special place and then at the past minute i felt that I was almost punked because his aunt and cousin were also in the car to pick me up -"the more the merrier" he said. And then "you know im not a romantic guy..." Or when I would go in to do something romantic or intimate - he would throw the monkey wrench in it too.

I would set a boundary and when you are in an intimate moment and he brings up "i have so much experience", i would go get dressed or I would end the opportunity. Maybe he'll learn not to be such a buzzkill and he'll get the picture.

He has behaved thus far--aside from this annoying habit--to be very committed. So far. But five months is early. But he has made it clear in all other actions that he is committed. Not that those actions eclipse this occasional rather uncomfortable (rare but still ANNOYING) habit of hinting, "Hey, I've dated a lot. Just in case you forgot." So that makes it all the more confusing.

Well, I think it's sarcasm with some bragging, I say things like that now and then. It doesn't mean anything really...

No one is "committed" at 5 mos. Serial daters are good for a few months but then lose interest. He seems quite focused on his prowess with online dating and his moves on dates etc., not a long term thing with you.

Sorry to tell you but that's a one foot out the door remark meaning "I date and move on...and this is no different, so don't get attached". Proceed with caution and stop focusing in on "acts committed", he acts like you are dating, nothing more.

But five months is early. "Hey, I've dated a lot. Just in case you forgot."

Dang. You might be right. And he may not even know it. That makes perfect sense. I am going to talk to him tonight and see if we cannot get to the bottom of things. It takes a really evolved human to know how and why they are messing up. And in my book, it is not cool to disrupt a tender moment with a smug bout of bragging. Maybe for some people it is. For me it is not. I would rather find out now if he can either honor this request in the name of commitment or not. One thing is for sure, though--I refuse to be treated like I am wrong or irrational. And I will do my best to be super-clear one final time. But as I hear about your ex-husband, that makes PERFECT sense. If you're afraid of intimacy, it is a perfect strategy to throw a wrench in the moment by hinting at your past escapades. And if this continues, it will be a dealbreaker.

Ask him why he's talking at you like just another notch on his bedpost. He is not trying to be intimate at all.

He could have just meant practising with a pillow, and a warm fruit pie. Who knows?

Way too much thinking going on here. If it bugs you that much, leave him.

Hoping you haven't had this discussion with your boyfriend yet. I have done the exact same thing you're upset about here, and it's meant 100% as a joke. Definitely not meant as a literal brag in the slightest. A compatible sense of humour is so important, and you've probably set off some alarm bells with him here that you may be the overly-sensitive, low self-esteem type.

Only if you're absolutely certain that this is NOT a joke should you "refuse to be treated like you're wrong or irrational", because you might very well be wrong from the sound of it. If he tells you straight up that it was meant as a joke, try to believe him.

It's really important that you don't try to change his sense of humour. That's a slippery slope that ends with him feeling like he is no longer allowed to be himself when in the relationship. If you're offended by his humour then that's a fundamental compatibility issue. Work on your self esteem and keep the relationship healthy.

I think he was slightly embarrassed about the intimacy of your comment, and would have felt too vulnerable to have responded in kind - which I suspect is what you were hoping for. He is far from unique in this.

Five months is still very early days; I'd suggest that you relax a bit, and accept that this kind of comment on your part is likely to engender that kind of comment on his. Many, many guys show their affection in ways other than verbal ones and don't really know how to respond to this kind of intimacy.

You may find it helpful to do a google search on "Languages of Love", but if this is a dealbreaker for you then you may be better off finding a partner who's on the same page as you.

Hoping you haven't had this discussion with your boyfriend yet. I have done the exact same thing you're upset about here, and it's meant 100% as a joke. Definitely not meant as a literal brag in the slightest. A compatible sense of humour is so important, and you've probably set off some alarm bells with him here that you may be the overly-sensitive, low self-esteem type.

 

Only if you're absolutely certain that this is NOT a joke should you "refuse to be treated like you're wrong or irrational", because you might very well be wrong from the sound of it. If he tells you straight up that it was meant as a joke, try to believe him.

 

It's really important that you don't try to change his sense of humour. That's a slippery slope that ends with him feeling like he is no longer allowed to be himself when in the relationship. If you're offended by his humour then that's a fundamental compatibility issue. Work on your self esteem and keep the relationship healthy.

But the "joke" is very misplaced and doesn't have a punch line. This is not humor at all. They are not walking down the street joking around. If she was getting upset about that, that's a whole other story. They are kissing and being intimate. and it always seems to happen. You are turning this onto her here, which isn't fair. The slippery slope is on him - not her.

She doesn't care if he had 100 partners. When you go in for a kiss and the person you are dating is implying you are just a number, you've "been there done that" and have so much experience - how does that feel to you? Even a major player who is just interested in one time sex wouldn't even do that to someone. No - he tells her she is the best he's had. Until the next woman he tells it to. Or at least stays in the moment. No words in this case are better than making an insensitive comment

I think it's a matter of compatibility, some things just rub you the wrong way but someone else might find it fine. I don't find what he said to be that bad, but if it annoys you or rub you the wrong way, it's valid for you to request him to refrain from saying stuff like that, but on the flip side, one has to wonder how compatible you really are on such a basic and fundamental level, when you have to correct the way someone speaks to you.

I remember one of my ex, whenever I compliment him, instead of saying thanks, he would say "I know", I can't you how much it annoyed me, it wasn't just the words but the way he said it, it came across as arrogant to me, was such a turn off. There were other things that he said (jokingly) that rubbed me the wrong way. Suffice to say, we were not compatible, also on a very basic and fundamental level.

When I posted some of the stuff he said on ENA though, people seem to not see it as a big problem. So really, it's a very individual thing what you find to be offensive or annoying (also the tone and mannerism and expression when things are said play a big part in the delivery, which we cannot see).

But the "joke" is very misplaced and doesn't have a punch line. This is not humor at all. They are not walking down the street joking around. If she was getting upset about that, that's a whole other story. They are kissing and being intimate. and it always seems to happen. You are turning this onto her here, which isn't fair. The slippery slope is on him - not her.

She doesn't care if he had 100 partners. When you go in for a kiss and the person you are dating is implying you are just a number, you've "been there done that" and have so much experience - how does that feel to you? Even a major player who is just interested in one time sex wouldn't even do that to someone. No - he tells her she is the best he's had. Until the next woman he tells it to. Or at least stays in the moment. No words in this case are better than making an insensitive comment

The comment isn't insensitive - her reaction is inappropriately sensitive. Someone with higher self esteem wouldn't take it seriously at all. They'd know it was a joke because it's so outrageous (that's the punchline - the outrageousness of the comment). There should be no question. If she is failing to see that, then it's quite a fundamental incompatibility, and he may anticipate that her low self-esteem will manifest in other ways down the line. Most guys just really want to be with someone they can be themselves with, someone they can joke around with affectionately. If she'd laughed he would have really thought he'd hit the jackpot. Guys will wither away in relationships which place limits on the extent to which they can be themselves.