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Thread: My boyfriend occasionally hints at his past

  1. #1
    rosebud8
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    My boyfriend occasionally hints at his past

    Hello All:

    So here is the deal--I have been dating a wonderful man for the past five months. His actions indicate that he is committed in every sense of the word: he is always there, willing to help, make time and sacrifice. He always tells me not to pay attention to what he says, but rather, what he does. If his actions are indicators, he is a solid and committed man. I've found him outside in -1 degree weather, scraping the frost off my car windshield, just to provide one example among many, many others. He does, however, have one habit that I hate. Over the past five months (at least 4 times), he will vaguely reference his dating and sexual past. For example, once we were kissing and I commented on how skilled he was, to which he replied, "I've had a lot of practice." I let it go the first time. The second time it happened, I was more explicit but kind. I said, "Hey sweetie, do me a favor, and please don't bring your past into the bedroom when it directly concerns us. It makes me feel jealous. I don't care if you talk about past relationships in general, but not when it relates to us."

    A few months went by and he seemed receptive. Then last night we were laughing and discussing our first date, because we had initially met online, then in person at a coffee shop. We then talked about our eventual first kiss on the date and he asked if I could tell he was nervous. I told him that I could tell he was nervous, but that it was endearing, because he still swooped in to kiss me with confidence. To which he replied, "Yeah, I've done that a few times before." It's like, ugh, I get it! He's had experience! I've had experience! We're 35 and 40 years old, so of course we have a past. But I am increasingly uncomfortable with these (albeit infrequent) weird references in which he asserts his past dating experience while we are being emotionally or physically intimate. To make it even weirder, I am *fairly certain* that although he has dated more in recent years, that I am far more sexually-advanced, a fact that he has inferred, although I seriously try not to discuss that!!

    What do I do? I have told him twice now, in no uncertain terms, that I don't like this habit. Am I being unclear? Should I just accept it as an infrequent thing? Can I change this or do I give up? Help???

  2. #2
    Wiseman2
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    Sorry to hear this. Only insecure men need to brag about their conquests, particularly it's pretty stupid to tell your gf about it.. So 5 mos in you are seeing a red flag. Keep reiterating that it's rude to go on and on about his sexual exploits and not about "jealousy". Make it about him, not you it's just rude period.
    Quote Originally Posted by rosebud8 [Register to see the link]
    I have been dating a wonderful man for the past five months. We're 35 and 40 years old, so of course we have a past.

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  4. #3
    j.man
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    I mean... that's about as mild as it gets. Different strokes for different folks, but I couldn't understand getting anywhere near this insecure or upset about such comments.

    It's not him referencing his "sexual past." It's him not knowing how to take a compliment. Think about any time you've told a girlfriend, "I love your hair," and rather than the "thanks" she should say, she takes it upon herself to qualify the compliment further, talking about how long it took or something. Similar concept here. You tell him he's good at something. He tells you why he is.

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  6. #4
    tattoobunnie
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    I thought his lines were funny and sarcastic - and SOOO not a dig at you. Obviously, you don't get his sense of humor, like at all. Like at all. I don't see this working out so well.

    I mean are you saying you two can't share stuff - I'd probably say stuff like this to my hubby, and he'd just laugh.

    I wouldn't bother with a dude that compared me to exes, or brought up things he did with exes, but he's talking about how he's kissed people before in general. I guess you're not into sarcasm. And that's okay. But I don't see him doing anything wrong - you're just not into that humor.

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  8. #5
    rosebud8
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    Tattoobunnie: it is not that we cannot share things. We do. We have. I am totally fine with sharing specifics about our past relationships, but he did not generally mean that he's kissed a lot of people; he was pointedly referring to the fact that he'd met and dated a lot of women online and that moving in for a kiss was something he'd done a lot before. He and I had talked about it before plenty of times, it was fine. What I am not fine with is suddenly re-iterating that he's dated a lot of women online as we are sharing an intimate memory of a first date. I am not sure if that is a matter of humor. I think it's a matter of an ill-timed reiteration--one that was not a general comment.

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    Wiseman2
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    Does he fancy himself to be some type of player or ladies man?
    Quote Originally Posted by rosebud8 [Register to see the link]
    I am not fine with is suddenly re-iterating that he's dated a lot of women online as we are sharing an intimate memory of a first date.

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  11. #7
    rosebud8
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    He doesn't seem to display either player or ladies' man traits within the general context of our relationship at all...but he definitely seems to want me to know that he's had all this, like a lot, of past experience. It's to the point where it seems awkward and ill-suited when this implication occurs between us. Moreover, based upon what I can deduce, I am the one with more experience in relationships, both committed and casual alike. Hands down. I do my best to be very nebulous, respectful, and vague about this...but it is apparent. What do you think?

  12. #8
    tattoobunnie
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    I fail to see how "I've had a lot of practice" translates to "I dated a lot of women online"...I still just think you two are incompatible. One sounds funny. Your words that you are putting in his mouth sound totally out of place in that moment.

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    abitbroken
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    "pay attention to his actions/not his words" i say when a man is the strong silent type or the socially awkward type - a man that is of few words can show his love by being there for you, etc. - ignore the fact that he is not a natural poet with his words. But when a man uses too many words - talks about past sex partners, etc, and if his words are disrespectful towards you, you DO need to pay attention to his words, too.

    Like you, I would have no problem if a 40 year old man had kissed other women in his past - its the moment he brings it up which is the problem - if he goes in for a kiss with you in a lighthearted or intimate moment and has to bring it up right then and there rather than when the two of you are talking about your awkward prom dates or something on topic, etc. Its a major buzzkill. It is almost to me like saying "this kiss isn't very special - been there/done that!"

    that although he has dated more in recent years, that I am far more sexually-advanced, a fact that he has inferred, although I seriously try not to discuss that!!

    I think that is the heart of the matter. Actually, there is no such thing as "more sexually advanced" - just a higher number of partners. Two people could have never had sex before and when they come together the chemistry is magical - with chemistry, feedback and communication, they can have a high quality sex life that "experience" can not overshadow - or two people where one has had a number of relationships and one has had one. its not like learning a trade where years as a welder really DO make a difference or what year you are in of grad school.

    I don't really know what i'd say to him. But I would be annoyed.

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  16. #10
    rosebud8
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    Please allow me to translate: when we were specifically discussing our first kiss, I mentioned how sweet it was, the confidence with which he moved. He responded "Yeah, I've done that once or twice." He was not speaking generally. He was specifically referring to--based upon many previous talks--that he has that token move on a first date after meeting a woman online. Those weren't words that I was magically conjuring; he was reiterating that he's been on online dates and kissed people before. During an otherwise tender moment. If you think that's funny, then you and I may differ about the merits of humor.

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