Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 25

Thread: My boyfriend occasionally hints at his past

  1. #1
    rosebud8
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Posts
    34

    My boyfriend occasionally hints at his past

    Hello All:

    So here is the deal--I have been dating a wonderful man for the past five months. His actions indicate that he is committed in every sense of the word: he is always there, willing to help, make time and sacrifice. He always tells me not to pay attention to what he says, but rather, what he does. If his actions are indicators, he is a solid and committed man. I've found him outside in -1 degree weather, scraping the frost off my car windshield, just to provide one example among many, many others. He does, however, have one habit that I hate. Over the past five months (at least 4 times), he will vaguely reference his dating and sexual past. For example, once we were kissing and I commented on how skilled he was, to which he replied, "I've had a lot of practice." I let it go the first time. The second time it happened, I was more explicit but kind. I said, "Hey sweetie, do me a favor, and please don't bring your past into the bedroom when it directly concerns us. It makes me feel jealous. I don't care if you talk about past relationships in general, but not when it relates to us."

    A few months went by and he seemed receptive. Then last night we were laughing and discussing our first date, because we had initially met online, then in person at a coffee shop. We then talked about our eventual first kiss on the date and he asked if I could tell he was nervous. I told him that I could tell he was nervous, but that it was endearing, because he still swooped in to kiss me with confidence. To which he replied, "Yeah, I've done that a few times before." It's like, ugh, I get it! He's had experience! I've had experience! We're 35 and 40 years old, so of course we have a past. But I am increasingly uncomfortable with these (albeit infrequent) weird references in which he asserts his past dating experience while we are being emotionally or physically intimate. To make it even weirder, I am *fairly certain* that although he has dated more in recent years, that I am far more sexually-advanced, a fact that he has inferred, although I seriously try not to discuss that!!

    What do I do? I have told him twice now, in no uncertain terms, that I don't like this habit. Am I being unclear? Should I just accept it as an infrequent thing? Can I change this or do I give up? Help???

  2. #2
    Wiseman2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    23,207
    Gender
    Male
    Sorry to hear this. Only insecure men need to brag about their conquests, particularly it's pretty stupid to tell your gf about it.. So 5 mos in you are seeing a red flag. Keep reiterating that it's rude to go on and on about his sexual exploits and not about "jealousy". Make it about him, not you it's just rude period.
    Quote Originally Posted by rosebud8 [Register to see the link]
    I have been dating a wonderful man for the past five months. We're 35 and 40 years old, so of course we have a past.

  3. #3
    j.man
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Posts
    8,586
    I mean... that's about as mild as it gets. Different strokes for different folks, but I couldn't understand getting anywhere near this insecure or upset about such comments.

    It's not him referencing his "sexual past." It's him not knowing how to take a compliment. Think about any time you've told a girlfriend, "I love your hair," and rather than the "thanks" she should say, she takes it upon herself to qualify the compliment further, talking about how long it took or something. Similar concept here. You tell him he's good at something. He tells you why he is.

  4. #4
    tattoobunnie
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Posts
    4,022
    I thought his lines were funny and sarcastic - and SOOO not a dig at you. Obviously, you don't get his sense of humor, like at all. Like at all. I don't see this working out so well.

    I mean are you saying you two can't share stuff - I'd probably say stuff like this to my hubby, and he'd just laugh.

    I wouldn't bother with a dude that compared me to exes, or brought up things he did with exes, but he's talking about how he's kissed people before in general. I guess you're not into sarcasm. And that's okay. But I don't see him doing anything wrong - you're just not into that humor.

  5. #5
    rosebud8
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Posts
    34
    Tattoobunnie: it is not that we cannot share things. We do. We have. I am totally fine with sharing specifics about our past relationships, but he did not generally mean that he's kissed a lot of people; he was pointedly referring to the fact that he'd met and dated a lot of women online and that moving in for a kiss was something he'd done a lot before. He and I had talked about it before plenty of times, it was fine. What I am not fine with is suddenly re-iterating that he's dated a lot of women online as we are sharing an intimate memory of a first date. I am not sure if that is a matter of humor. I think it's a matter of an ill-timed reiteration--one that was not a general comment.

  6. #6
    Wiseman2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    23,207
    Gender
    Male
    Does he fancy himself to be some type of player or ladies man?
    Quote Originally Posted by rosebud8 [Register to see the link]
    I am not fine with is suddenly re-iterating that he's dated a lot of women online as we are sharing an intimate memory of a first date.

  7. #7
    rosebud8
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Posts
    34
    He doesn't seem to display either player or ladies' man traits within the general context of our relationship at all...but he definitely seems to want me to know that he's had all this, like a lot, of past experience. It's to the point where it seems awkward and ill-suited when this implication occurs between us. Moreover, based upon what I can deduce, I am the one with more experience in relationships, both committed and casual alike. Hands down. I do my best to be very nebulous, respectful, and vague about this...but it is apparent. What do you think?

  8. #8
    tattoobunnie
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Posts
    4,022
    I fail to see how "I've had a lot of practice" translates to "I dated a lot of women online"...I still just think you two are incompatible. One sounds funny. Your words that you are putting in his mouth sound totally out of place in that moment.

  9. #9
    abitbroken
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    20,183
    Gender
    Female
    "pay attention to his actions/not his words" i say when a man is the strong silent type or the socially awkward type - a man that is of few words can show his love by being there for you, etc. - ignore the fact that he is not a natural poet with his words. But when a man uses too many words - talks about past sex partners, etc, and if his words are disrespectful towards you, you DO need to pay attention to his words, too.

    Like you, I would have no problem if a 40 year old man had kissed other women in his past - its the moment he brings it up which is the problem - if he goes in for a kiss with you in a lighthearted or intimate moment and has to bring it up right then and there rather than when the two of you are talking about your awkward prom dates or something on topic, etc. Its a major buzzkill. It is almost to me like saying "this kiss isn't very special - been there/done that!"

    that although he has dated more in recent years, that I am far more sexually-advanced, a fact that he has inferred, although I seriously try not to discuss that!!

    I think that is the heart of the matter. Actually, there is no such thing as "more sexually advanced" - just a higher number of partners. Two people could have never had sex before and when they come together the chemistry is magical - with chemistry, feedback and communication, they can have a high quality sex life that "experience" can not overshadow - or two people where one has had a number of relationships and one has had one. its not like learning a trade where years as a welder really DO make a difference or what year you are in of grad school.

    I don't really know what i'd say to him. But I would be annoyed.

  10. #10
    rosebud8
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Posts
    34
    Please allow me to translate: when we were specifically discussing our first kiss, I mentioned how sweet it was, the confidence with which he moved. He responded "Yeah, I've done that once or twice." He was not speaking generally. He was specifically referring to--based upon many previous talks--that he has that token move on a first date after meeting a woman online. Those weren't words that I was magically conjuring; he was reiterating that he's been on online dates and kissed people before. During an otherwise tender moment. If you think that's funny, then you and I may differ about the merits of humor.

  11.  

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Top Threads
About to End a 4 year relationship from a disrespectful action. I can't take this anymore!
I've been with my soon to be ex-Fiance for over 4 years. His brother has a woman now his wife who has had a thing for him for years. She has spread
My bf lie to me about his smoking habbit
Me and my bf has been together from 8 years. We are truly in love with each other and committed to get married. I am also involves in his family and
Husband Secretly Obessed over another woman for 5 months.
I was on my husnands phone the other day. I was about to post a couple of screenshots i took on Facebook and next to my images in gallery were 2
Once a cheater always a cheater?
I know it is not black and white. There are times when it’s not applicable at all. But what do you all think or experienced? If someone was cheating
Married and yet lonely
This is my first time using any internet forum for advice or help , i guess we are all very stubborn in realizing that we do need help from time to
I don’t know if he is genuinely sorry?
He suffers from manic depression and before we dated was trapped in a mindset of “no consequences”. I come from a damaged past and he helped me feel
Someone please shed some light on this....
Why are women seen as insecure, crazy or a b#tch when she calls her bf/husband out on his shady ways. It’s like men want to be in a serious

Featured Threads
She’s always nervous around me and idk what to do
The girl I’ve been seeing for the past 4 months is still nervous around me. We’ve seen each other 7 times in 4 months. So what I’ve noticed is
We got back together and then...
Hey guys. Its been a few months since my last post. Id like to say hello to a few names I remember from before. Ive been reading some of everyones
Should i sell my house and live with my gf
I have been with my gf for 11 months. We are at a crossroads and i cant decide what to do as regards living with her in her home. She wants me to
Prednisone is the only thing that makes me sane
I am seeing a neurologist soon but wanted to see if there's anybody out there who has similar symptoms to me. I've tried googling it, and it seems
I think I hate my girlfriend...
Hey folks, newbie here. Long story short with a few details: I have been with my girlfriend for 5 years. We rent a house together. We met
Gift buying woes
I’ve been dating this guy for about 8 months. He’s a cop so has a cop car for work, and he has two personal vehicles. Both expensive luxury cars. I
Mother moved out. Curious how to guide her in the right direction. If possible.
[B]So if I had written this post a few days ago it would go like this:[/B] My mother moved out a few weeks ago after she found a job and an
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •