Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 25

Thread: My boyfriend occasionally hints at his past

  1. #1
    rosebud8
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Posts
    34
    Thanked
    4

    My boyfriend occasionally hints at his past

    Hello All:

    So here is the deal--I have been dating a wonderful man for the past five months. His actions indicate that he is committed in every sense of the word: he is always there, willing to help, make time and sacrifice. He always tells me not to pay attention to what he says, but rather, what he does. If his actions are indicators, he is a solid and committed man. I've found him outside in -1 degree weather, scraping the frost off my car windshield, just to provide one example among many, many others. He does, however, have one habit that I hate. Over the past five months (at least 4 times), he will vaguely reference his dating and sexual past. For example, once we were kissing and I commented on how skilled he was, to which he replied, "I've had a lot of practice." I let it go the first time. The second time it happened, I was more explicit but kind. I said, "Hey sweetie, do me a favor, and please don't bring your past into the bedroom when it directly concerns us. It makes me feel jealous. I don't care if you talk about past relationships in general, but not when it relates to us."

    A few months went by and he seemed receptive. Then last night we were laughing and discussing our first date, because we had initially met online, then in person at a coffee shop. We then talked about our eventual first kiss on the date and he asked if I could tell he was nervous. I told him that I could tell he was nervous, but that it was endearing, because he still swooped in to kiss me with confidence. To which he replied, "Yeah, I've done that a few times before." It's like, ugh, I get it! He's had experience! I've had experience! We're 35 and 40 years old, so of course we have a past. But I am increasingly uncomfortable with these (albeit infrequent) weird references in which he asserts his past dating experience while we are being emotionally or physically intimate. To make it even weirder, I am *fairly certain* that although he has dated more in recent years, that I am far more sexually-advanced, a fact that he has inferred, although I seriously try not to discuss that!!

    What do I do? I have told him twice now, in no uncertain terms, that I don't like this habit. Am I being unclear? Should I just accept it as an infrequent thing? Can I change this or do I give up? Help???

  2. #2
    Wiseman2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    22,431
    Gender
    Male
    Thanked
    16598
    Sorry to hear this. Only insecure men need to brag about their conquests, particularly it's pretty stupid to tell your gf about it.. So 5 mos in you are seeing a red flag. Keep reiterating that it's rude to go on and on about his sexual exploits and not about "jealousy". Make it about him, not you it's just rude period.
    Quote Originally Posted by rosebud8 [Register to see the link]
    I have been dating a wonderful man for the past five months. We're 35 and 40 years old, so of course we have a past.

  3. Thanks rosebud8 thanked for this post
  4. #3
    j.man
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Posts
    7,339
    Thanked
    8847
    I mean... that's about as mild as it gets. Different strokes for different folks, but I couldn't understand getting anywhere near this insecure or upset about such comments.

    It's not him referencing his "sexual past." It's him not knowing how to take a compliment. Think about any time you've told a girlfriend, "I love your hair," and rather than the "thanks" she should say, she takes it upon herself to qualify the compliment further, talking about how long it took or something. Similar concept here. You tell him he's good at something. He tells you why he is.

  5. Thanks dias, rosebud8 thanked for this post
  6. #4
    tattoobunnie
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Posts
    3,732
    Thanked
    754
    I thought his lines were funny and sarcastic - and SOOO not a dig at you. Obviously, you don't get his sense of humor, like at all. Like at all. I don't see this working out so well.

    I mean are you saying you two can't share stuff - I'd probably say stuff like this to my hubby, and he'd just laugh.

    I wouldn't bother with a dude that compared me to exes, or brought up things he did with exes, but he's talking about how he's kissed people before in general. I guess you're not into sarcasm. And that's okay. But I don't see him doing anything wrong - you're just not into that humor.

  7. Thanks dias, rosebud8 thanked for this post
  8. #5
    rosebud8
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Posts
    34
    Thanked
    4
    Tattoobunnie: it is not that we cannot share things. We do. We have. I am totally fine with sharing specifics about our past relationships, but he did not generally mean that he's kissed a lot of people; he was pointedly referring to the fact that he'd met and dated a lot of women online and that moving in for a kiss was something he'd done a lot before. He and I had talked about it before plenty of times, it was fine. What I am not fine with is suddenly re-iterating that he's dated a lot of women online as we are sharing an intimate memory of a first date. I am not sure if that is a matter of humor. I think it's a matter of an ill-timed reiteration--one that was not a general comment.

  9. #6
    Wiseman2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    22,431
    Gender
    Male
    Thanked
    16598
    Does he fancy himself to be some type of player or ladies man?
    Quote Originally Posted by rosebud8 [Register to see the link]
    I am not fine with is suddenly re-iterating that he's dated a lot of women online as we are sharing an intimate memory of a first date.

  10. Thanks rosebud8 thanked for this post
  11. #7
    rosebud8
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Posts
    34
    Thanked
    4
    He doesn't seem to display either player or ladies' man traits within the general context of our relationship at all...but he definitely seems to want me to know that he's had all this, like a lot, of past experience. It's to the point where it seems awkward and ill-suited when this implication occurs between us. Moreover, based upon what I can deduce, I am the one with more experience in relationships, both committed and casual alike. Hands down. I do my best to be very nebulous, respectful, and vague about this...but it is apparent. What do you think?

  12. #8
    tattoobunnie
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Posts
    3,732
    Thanked
    754
    I fail to see how "I've had a lot of practice" translates to "I dated a lot of women online"...I still just think you two are incompatible. One sounds funny. Your words that you are putting in his mouth sound totally out of place in that moment.

  13. Thanks rosebud8, Ladi33bug thanked for this post
  14. #9
    abitbroken
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    18,624
    Gender
    Female
    Thanked
    3577
    "pay attention to his actions/not his words" i say when a man is the strong silent type or the socially awkward type - a man that is of few words can show his love by being there for you, etc. - ignore the fact that he is not a natural poet with his words. But when a man uses too many words - talks about past sex partners, etc, and if his words are disrespectful towards you, you DO need to pay attention to his words, too.

    Like you, I would have no problem if a 40 year old man had kissed other women in his past - its the moment he brings it up which is the problem - if he goes in for a kiss with you in a lighthearted or intimate moment and has to bring it up right then and there rather than when the two of you are talking about your awkward prom dates or something on topic, etc. Its a major buzzkill. It is almost to me like saying "this kiss isn't very special - been there/done that!"

    that although he has dated more in recent years, that I am far more sexually-advanced, a fact that he has inferred, although I seriously try not to discuss that!!

    I think that is the heart of the matter. Actually, there is no such thing as "more sexually advanced" - just a higher number of partners. Two people could have never had sex before and when they come together the chemistry is magical - with chemistry, feedback and communication, they can have a high quality sex life that "experience" can not overshadow - or two people where one has had a number of relationships and one has had one. its not like learning a trade where years as a welder really DO make a difference or what year you are in of grad school.

    I don't really know what i'd say to him. But I would be annoyed.

  15. Thanks rosebud8, Ladi33bug thanked for this post
  16. #10
    rosebud8
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Posts
    34
    Thanked
    4
    Please allow me to translate: when we were specifically discussing our first kiss, I mentioned how sweet it was, the confidence with which he moved. He responded "Yeah, I've done that once or twice." He was not speaking generally. He was specifically referring to--based upon many previous talks--that he has that token move on a first date after meeting a woman online. Those weren't words that I was magically conjuring; he was reiterating that he's been on online dates and kissed people before. During an otherwise tender moment. If you think that's funny, then you and I may differ about the merits of humor.

  17.  

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Top Threads
Should I Believe His Story?
I am new here and have a problem with believing my fiance. We have been together for 5 years now and we never fight. He is actually very good to me
Reasonable/unreasonable jealousy or barking mad?
[SIZE=3][FONT=book antiqua]Hi all,[/FONT] [FONT=book antiqua] [/FONT] [FONT=book antiqua]I’d really appreciate other people’s opinions on what’s
Is it normal?
Hello everyone, Thank you for providing support and advise to those who does not have anyone to go to. Here's my story: I have been in a 5 years
Unsure
My fiancee and I have been together for 3 years relationship has been good but we had an issue about a year ago. Found out she was talking to a guy
How to re-build an ex trust if a lot of time passed?
Hi. I don't know what to do. I figure out too late what happened. I am stupid. I had a gf who I did not love anymore, let's call her FE. I talked
Girlfriend Problems
So my girlfriend has a new colleague at work who's always telling her pickup lines. (ex. "hey girl you smell like vanilla, wanna " and to get her
Insecurities and trust issues
Every single day my boyfriend is getting worse and worse with his insecurities I have never cheated on him. I never gave him reasons to doubt Our

Expert Advice
Featured Threads
I love you, but I'm not in love with you.
So my fiancé of 7.5 years has decided she isn't in love with me anymore so has broken up with me. Our situation is very complicated we have a 2.5
How far should I go with unfriending/blocking on social media?
Hi all, I'm going hard no contact. She originally unfriended me on Snap and Twitter. I recently unfriended her on FB and IG. I also went a step
missing atm
I think what I miss at the moment is having a friend to talk to like we used to. She became the only person I really talked to for the better part
Mum boyfriend inapropriate
Hi everyone, thought i would share an update on whats happened so far. Thankyou all for helping me out yesterday, everything you all said was really
Girlfriend always mad at me
Me and my girlfriend have been togetehr for almost a year. I love her more than anything and i know shes not cheating on me or anything like that
I [F/26] found underwear in my boyfriend's [M/30] pocket.
I've been with my boyfriend for over a year. Recently, my boyfriend asked me to look for some money, so I looked everywhere and I couldn't find it. I
Ex gf text me out of the blue
I guess I just want some feedback and honest replies as my head is completely gone again. Me and my ex gf have been in no contact for a few months
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •