Partner changed? Or showing true colours?

I met my fiancee about 8 years ago. Dated for 5 and engaged to be married this summer. Iv always thought of him as wonderful and caring, in the first 2 years he was attentive, protective and romantic. A few red flags that I missed were his financial issues. He seems incapable of holding down long term employment. Something always happened, he would lose his job, find another fast and we would be okay.

I fell pregnant with our first in 2014. When our son was born, i started to catch him out in little lies now and then, i lost my trust, we started to argue more and i fell into postpartum depression.

He told me I was jealous and suspicious so I began therapy to try get to the bottom of my issues. Things got better between us, he was working away lots at the time, he proposed and I felt things were finally working out.

2015, i fell pregnant with our 2nd. I was on birth control so it was unexpected. From then on, things have spiralled. I caught him lying about things again, where he was going, lying about drinking and drugs and spending lots of money on stupid things we don't need and leaving me and the kids with nothing.

He started to become angry all the time. Mainly at me and complete strangers.. sometimes the children.

He has started to show a complete lack of compassion for others, when he gets road rage he makes disgusting remarks or hand gestures to others, he gets impatient out running errands and acts in an angry manner to the point where people have made comments and im completely embarrassed.

Now, in the past 6 months the anger has been directed at me. He will be angry at me if I ask for help with our children, if i havent had time to clean or organize etc.. he started to hide my belongings. My car keys, phone, makeup and clothes. Almost like he is punishing me if I get upset with him for acting those way.

I asked him to talk and he says there is nothing wrong. I told him how i feel and he said I was overreacting. When I asked to discuss our problems, he refuses. He ignores me, walks away and usually just says 'whatever, you talk too much'.

Its gotten to the point he will ignore me for days on end, I told him i wanted to break up and he begged for forgiveness, cried and says he's depressed and tells me everything will be okay. Things do go okay for a couple of days, then suddenly hes horrible all over again.

I'm now on anti depressants and im still very unhappy with this man. I suggested he go see a doctor for the anger issues and he refuses. He says counselling and medication are for crazy people.

He constantly tells me im overreacting, that im too sensitive and I need to relax.

Some days I believe him. I wonder if i have something wrong with me.. but then other days my heart and head is screaming to run away.

Iv often wondered if I'm being unfair as I feel constantly angry with him, when iv told him i want to break up with him unless things change he says im manipulating.

At this point I'm questioning my sanity... im lost.

Can anybody please provide some guidance from an outside point of view? Am I being picky and overly sensitive!? I don't want to hurt him, leaving him will break his heart and it's not what I wanted for my children.. but im so very unhappy like this.

There are problems that he refuses to address, and so it's time that you remove you and the kids.

OP, whenever you get to a point that you must use anti depressants ,due to a partners behaviour, it's time to leave. I haven't even started on how unhealthy this is for your kids.

I also think there are issues you have been ignoring for years: can't hold down a job, drinking, drugs, issues with money, anger, manipulation, communication and emotional abuse etc...

Does any of this look good for you or your kids?

There are problems that he refuses to address, and so it's time that you remove you and the kids.

 

OP, whenever you get to a point that you must use anti depressants ,due to a partners behaviour, it's time to leave. I haven't even started on how unhealthy this is for your kids.

I agree. I do not want this for my children, or me for that matter. The stable family life i dreamed of and that he promised is completely out of sight.

It all sounds so easy to see that i need to leave when I type it out like this.. but he makes me feel incredibly guilty when it comes down to it.

I often question whether I am truly doing the right thing.. i dont understand the self doubt I feel about this situation.

Look up the terms gaslighting and emotional manipulation and read up on them. People like your partner are masters at making others feel guilty for their shortcomings, because as long as you hold on to that guilt and he piles it on, he doesn't have to change a blessed thing. It's a manipulation.

And these red flags have always been there. What you saw with jobs - an inability to commit and stick with one thing - is just what you're now seeing in the relationship. He just hid that part for quite some time. So no, he was probably always like this and that's probably why he lost jobs, no matter what he tells you the reasons "why." An employer will not put up with lying or drug abuse or anger issues the way a partner often will, so there he kept getting the boot. And you don't do that, so all you get is more and more opening up of his issues.

It's up to you, but you can't simply medicate away his issues or use substances to make yourself be okay with how he is, and that's really kind of what you're trying to do there. And it won't work any more than drinking yourself happy or doping yourself into oblivion will. Antidepressants are for serious issues, but they won't fix a toxic relationship.

It's time to change what you're doing, because he isn't and won't.

P.S. It isn't true guilt you feel, it's you more being afraid to stand up and change things. Real guilt is for really terrible things - like not protecting your children and them getting hurt, deliberately running over a puppy, doing something really crappy to a friend that ends the friendship. Real things. It's not because someone is mistreating you then tells you it's your fault. That's more of a type of fear about standing up to someone and knowing it will change things and you will have to change them on your own. We call that guilt, but it isn't really. So maybe it's time to stop thinking, "I feel guilty," and just think, "I feel scared to change things, but I know I need to do so for my and my kids' sake." And start looking at it that way, it often helps you see things more clearly and from there you can start to change.

Look up the terms gaslighting and emotional manipulation and read up on them. People like your partner are masters at making others feel guilty for their shortcomings, because as long as you hold on to that guilt and he piles it on, he doesn't have to change a blessed thing. It's a manipulation.

 

And these red flags have always been there. What you saw with jobs - an inability to commit and stick with one thing - is just what you're now seeing in the relationship. He just hid that part for quite some time. So no, he was probably always like this and that's probably why he lost jobs, no matter what he tells you the reasons "why." An employer will not put up with lying or drug abuse or anger issues the way a partner often will, so there he kept getting the boot. And you don't do that, so all you get is more and more opening up of his issues.

 

It's up to you, but you can't simply medicate away his issues or use substances to make yourself be okay with how he is, and that's really kind of what you're trying to do there. And it won't work any more than drinking yourself happy or doping yourself into oblivion will. Antidepressants are for serious issues, but they won't fix a toxic relationship.

 

It's time to change what you're doing, because he isn't and won't.

Thank you. Basically this is everything that I have thought for the past year mainly, the rest of the years being with him just kind of makes sense now..

I have been rationalizing his behaviour because I have been terrified to leave and be on my own.. pregnant and giving birth alone did scare me a lot so iv ignored it.

I cannot ignore it anymore though..

I just worry because it is going to take a lot for me to leave. I may have to do it in the middle of the night with the children.. because there is no way he will accept it.

In the past during arguments and I have tried to leave, he physically stops me from leaving.

I worry excessively about when im going to leave.. even though iv been feeling this way for months. I just don't know how to make the final move and handle all of the craziness I know will come from him.

Can a family member help in the transition?

Stop making excuses. If there is a will, there is a way.

Sorry to say, but you are in an abusive relationship with a drug addict and irresponsible liar. Do not marry, then You will become responsible for his debt,etc. If possible, move out with your children to friends, family, anyone you can.

Be thankful you are not married and can walk away and save yourself and your children. Go to social services if you have no money, food, job or place to stay for yourself and your kids. Also call a domestic abuse hotline for help, counseling, info and resources. Abuse is not just a black eye, it's what you are describing.

Always put the safety and well being of your children and yourself first. Stop turning a blind eye to drug abuse and domestic abuse in order to stay dependent on him. Get out, get help.

He seems incapable of holding down long term employment. I caught him lying about things again, where he was going, lying about drinking and drugs and spending lots of money on stupid things we don't need and leaving me and the kids with nothing.

He started to become angry all the time.

My friend planned everything out in advanced. Found a place to live, and when he went away on a business trip, she and her friend and mom packed up all her stuff, and left. She is happy now, and can breathe.

Do not feel weird about reaching out to friends and family and telling them what's going on. They will help!

This depression of yours is because you live with a lazy, selfish, cruel bully, that will eventually turn physically violent.

Thanks for all the advice given here, it is everything I have suspected but I have truly believed that maybe I am overreacting.. i dont agree with any of his actions anymore and the more I challenge it, the worse things get.

I have been a stay at home parent for the past year so finances are an issue but I know i can get myself on track easily.

I think i just feel really overwhelmed at the sudden change of circumstances to be honest.. a year ago i was in love and planning my wedding and in the past couple months he has become a different person completely.

I always made excuses for his behaviour before.. but because lately it is directly affecting me and my children I cannot take it anymore

I am a little scared of the change, but I know it needs to be done.

Im going to talk to my father and ask him to come and escort me out so things don't get violent.. i know he gets physical when I have tried to leave in the past and that is what I'm scared of.

In the meantime im going to try and secretly sort something out for us financially and a place to live. Thanks again. I just really needed to confirmation that I wasn't insane

Go to your father's with your children when he's not there. Do not expect your father to play cop or buffer things or put him in harm's way. Get a restraining order asap so he can't approach you or hurt you or the kids.

Drug addicts can be crazy and violent. Don't take this so lightly with "waiting to get a place' etc and staying in denial and delaying things. you are harming your children by exposing them to violence drugs and abuse..Please get the correct info and steps from a domestic violence hotline and talk to a counselor there.

Im going to talk to my father and ask him to come and escort me out so things don't get violent.. i know he gets physical when I have tried to leave in the past and that is what I'm scared of.

Go to your father's with your children when he's not there. Do not expect your father to play cop or buffer things or put him in harm's way. Get a restraining order asap so he can't approach you or hurt you or the kids.

 

Drug addicts can be crazy and violent. Don't take this so lightly with "waiting to get a place' etc and staying in denial and delaying things. you are harming your children by exposing them to violence drugs and abuse..Please get the correct info and steps from a domestic violence hotline and talk to a counselor there.

I could plan to leave when hes not here, but he literally never leaves me alone. He isn't working until late January, so is always around the house. We share our car, he wants to accompany me when I leave to my families house and we just moved to a city that neither of us have friends or anything to really go to, so my family is all I really have..

I have called the womens shelter this morning for someone to talk to and discuss what is happening at home.. they will have someone call me in a week they said.

My father is a big man that you wouldn't really want to get on the wrong side of, i wouldnt ask him to put himself in danger, i just think if I have company while I'm leaving, plus someone on hand to call the police if needed, i would feel more confident.

You and I have kids, and you know you would do anything in the world for them. Do not worry about calling your dad to help you and your kids. I think he'd be more upset you didn't call him sooner about this.

You and I have kids, and you know you would do anything in the world for them. Do not worry about calling your dad to help you and your kids. I think he'd be more upset you didn't call him sooner about this.

My father is probably going to be really confused.. my family and fiancee get along quite well. I'm quite nervous to make the call.. I do know that he will help me and my children with anything though. I have no doubt in my mind he will be disgusted in my partners behaviour if i came clean about what is happening. I do know that he is already unhappy that my partner hasn't been able to support us though, i have only not had a full time income for the past 11 months and in that time we have gone from being comfortable to not being able to make bill payments and buy food.. it has been no way to live.

I cant look at my partner without feeling nauseous at the minute.. i just can't wait to be out of this mess. Yet my anxiety is rising ever so badly about the initial move.

Today he is having one of his 'good days'.. he keeps talking about our future and how he cant wait to spend the rest of our lives together and asking about the wedding plans. Its so odd how he can jump from one extremity to another. It absolutely confuses the hell out of me. Yesterday he ignored me all day and every time I approached him, he would scowl at me with squinted eyes like i had done something wrong... yet I was just trying to make conversation with him.

I feel like i must have done something terrible to make him this way. It's hard to believe this is always the person he has been.

I'm not sure why you are describing this as a sudden change -you seem caught up on that point - sure things may have escalated but having two young kids might have increased his stress, etc. Just because you were in love a year ago doesn't mean that you were in love with a person who was right for you. Tattoo Bunnie has given you excellent advice. Good luck.

I'm not sure why you are describing this as a sudden change -you seem caught up on that point - sure things may have escalated but having two young kids might have increased his stress, etc. Just because you were in love a year ago doesn't mean that you were in love with a person who was right for you. Tattoo Bunnie has given you excellent advice. Good luck.

I know. I see that he isn't right for me, then, now or ever. Its just that a year ago, I was truly thinking I had found my Mr. Right and i was incredibly happy about getting engaged and finding someone who understood me the way i thought he did.

I see now that it was too good to be true.

Im anxious for the upcoming events.. but i know when everything is said and done, I will be absolutely heartbroken about losing that 'dream'..

My self esteem lately is so low and my trust is so shattered in people that I will never want to be involved with anybody in fear of this happening all over again.

Its just a nasty realization that I have been living in a dream land for the past 4 years and that's extremely unsettling for me.

I know. I see that he isn't right for me, then, now or ever. Its just that a year ago, I was truly thinking I had found my Mr. Right and i was incredibly happy about getting engaged and finding someone who understood me the way i thought he did.

I see now that it was too good to be true.

Im anxious for the upcoming events.. but i know when everything is said and done, I will be absolutely heartbroken about losing that 'dream'..

My self esteem lately is so low and my trust is so shattered in people that I will never want to be involved with anybody in fear of this happening all over again.

Its just a nasty realization that I have been living in a dream land for the past 4 years and that's extremely unsettling for me.

The difference is last year you chose to be in denial -maybe you were overexcited about the status of being engaged and planning a wedding reception? It was a "dream" and most of that was based on stories you told yourself because you knew for a long time about serious red flags. It's very very different when a partner changes suddenly where there were no signs or red flags. Perhaps a bad analogy but I had a stroke after my child was born, about 8 years ago. I started using the wrong words (not in a crazy/emotional way -literally the wrong words). I was sent to the ER an hour later. My husband knew there was something terribly wrong -something had happened - to make my behavior and speech change so drastically.

the other hand, my father developed severe Alzheimer's last year. My mother insisted it was a dramatic change and sudden onset. The truth is that since he had a mental illness for most of his life, it probably masked at least some of the symptoms of the developing Alzheimer's so that is wasn't sudden.

We all know the difference if we're honest with ourselves -and usually it's more the "I ignored the red flags because I was distracting myself with the [dream/party planning/diamond ring plus everyone congratulating me, etc.] and when it all settled down I realized the red flags were still there/worse."