How can you say it's none of my business when we live together? When his father and I became man and wife it's suppose to be my business. I can't treat him different than my own. Ya'll would have something to say if I did act like that. If your child's father got married wouldn't you want the new woman in your child's life to treat them the same as they would their own child? This world is crazy!
He does now!
Keep in mind that there are multiple relationships here -
You and your mom
SS and his mom
You and SS's mom
You and SS
Trauma and triggers are making these relationships blend together into one hot mess when in fact they are all very separate and distinct. That's what trauma does. It reaches into the core of us, and the emotions are so intense that we lose sight of what's really happening.
This is natural, normal, but it can be very destructive.
I understand that you're angry with the mom, resent that you're vastly under appreciated for your role with your SS, and that you want control in your own home. None of these things are bad, but you can't ask an 8 year old to help you with this.
You need to start separating your triggers from everyone involved. It might be good to talk with a professional to help you deal with your painful past while being a positive stable influence in your family.
It was really good that you simply closed the door and let him talk to his mom. It's not good for you that you're angry about it. You made a good choice for the boy. Be proud of that. Practice letting the anger go. If you don't, it will eat you up, and your family along with you.
This is when some mental/emotional separation of relationships might help. Your SS insisted on staying up past his bedtime. Doesn't matter why or what he was doing. He stayed up late. Let him deal with the consequences of being tired the next day. If he mentions it, gently make that connection for him by saying something like, "Yes, you were up a little late last night."
Having kids deal with the consequences of their own choices is a powerful parenting tool. It's a powerful adult tool, as well. We all learn to modify our behavior through cause and effect no matter how old we are. With children, it's very effective because they're still so open to experiences. -
People are happy with me when I clean my room. I feel good. Cleaning my room is good.
I feel hungry when I forget my lunch. I feel bad. Remember to bring my lunch.
I feel tired when I stay up late. Go to sleep earlier....and for parents, if the child isn't tired, maybe the bedtime needs to be adjusted to be a little later. This is a learning thing for everyone, not just the kids.
All you have to do is make that connection for them, in a casual way that is nonjudgmental. Stepparents have to take extra precautions on the nonjudgmental part, because it's normal to be under appreciated for what you're doing. I'm not saying it's right - I'm only saying it's common for people to be focused on the broken relationship, the one with the biological parent.
You might also want to examine your parenting style. If it's too authoritarian with an 8 year old that loves you, it might be time to see if you want to use other methods. JMHO
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