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Thread: Fed Up

  1. #11
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    Smh

    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Because legally she's his mother and you are not. Also your emotions and feelings should not cloud that fact and you need to stop obstructing him from contacting her. She did not give him up for adoption and you did not adopt him. You are quite mean to insist to the boy that she somehow gave him up or relinquished her parental rights, when she has not.

    Stop interfering with the relationship between the boy and his mother it's none of your business. You don't make the laws according to your authoritarian ways and your feelings. He will hate you one day when he remembers you yelling at him to go to bed or eat etc when he wanted to talk to his mother.
    I have never told him anything like that,so I don't know where your coming from with that! I have never talked negative about him mother to him. I never said I yelled at him or stopped him from speaking to his mom. That's why step parenting is hard because people misconstrue what is said. If you read what I really said, I reached out to her and told her I was here for her and she could call or text my phone anytime she wanted to speak with him. I did that,no one else. They just left it alone. I tried to do weekday I felt was right to keep them in communication with each other but she goes months without contacting him with no explanation like it's OK when he misses her. I would never get in the way of him talking to her but when it's affecting him negatively,that's when I have a problem. Kids are not toys to be picked up and play with when ever. A real parent wants their child to be protected. I would be considered a bad mother of I was to be in and out of my kids life with no consistency. But I'm the bad guy! I do for him as I do for my own. I'm here everyday doing the best I can. He tells me I'm the best mommy in the world. All ya'll can do is twist words around when I'm looking for some advice. That's OK, I'll be just fine!

  2. #12
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    How can you say it's none of my business when we live together? When his father and I became man and wife it's suppose to be my business. I can't treat him different than my own. Ya'll would have something to say if I did act like that. If your child's father got married wouldn't you want the new woman in your child's life to treat them the same as they would their own child? This world is crazy!

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Get him his own phone, so you don't have to intervene.
    Originally Posted by bosslady973
    she could call or text my phone anytime she wanted to speak with him.

  4. #14
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    He does now!

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Hell_On_Heels's Avatar
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    Keep in mind that there are multiple relationships here -

    You and your mom
    SS and his mom
    You and SS's mom
    You and SS

    Trauma and triggers are making these relationships blend together into one hot mess when in fact they are all very separate and distinct. That's what trauma does. It reaches into the core of us, and the emotions are so intense that we lose sight of what's really happening.

    This is natural, normal, but it can be very destructive.

    I understand that you're angry with the mom, resent that you're vastly under appreciated for your role with your SS, and that you want control in your own home. None of these things are bad, but you can't ask an 8 year old to help you with this.

    You need to start separating your triggers from everyone involved. It might be good to talk with a professional to help you deal with your painful past while being a positive stable influence in your family.

    It was really good that you simply closed the door and let him talk to his mom. It's not good for you that you're angry about it. You made a good choice for the boy. Be proud of that. Practice letting the anger go. If you don't, it will eat you up, and your family along with you.

    This is when some mental/emotional separation of relationships might help. Your SS insisted on staying up past his bedtime. Doesn't matter why or what he was doing. He stayed up late. Let him deal with the consequences of being tired the next day. If he mentions it, gently make that connection for him by saying something like, "Yes, you were up a little late last night."

    Having kids deal with the consequences of their own choices is a powerful parenting tool. It's a powerful adult tool, as well. We all learn to modify our behavior through cause and effect no matter how old we are. With children, it's very effective because they're still so open to experiences. -
    People are happy with me when I clean my room. I feel good. Cleaning my room is good.
    I feel hungry when I forget my lunch. I feel bad. Remember to bring my lunch.
    I feel tired when I stay up late. Go to sleep earlier....and for parents, if the child isn't tired, maybe the bedtime needs to be adjusted to be a little later. This is a learning thing for everyone, not just the kids.

    All you have to do is make that connection for them, in a casual way that is nonjudgmental. Stepparents have to take extra precautions on the nonjudgmental part, because it's normal to be under appreciated for what you're doing. I'm not saying it's right - I'm only saying it's common for people to be focused on the broken relationship, the one with the biological parent.

    You might also want to examine your parenting style. If it's too authoritarian with an 8 year old that loves you, it might be time to see if you want to use other methods. JMHO

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