Partner changed his mind about living together. What do I do??

My boyfriend has unexpectedly changed his mind about living together. We've been talking about it for months and set a date for late January. We talked about buying a house this year and saving together. Our relationship has been pretty perfect with a few small bumps. He's from another country and he loves/misses his family. During the Christmas break they've been visiting and I felt he was ignoring me. I brought it up and we had a few fights over a couple of days and now he's telling me something's changed and I'm not the person he thought I was. Now he doesn't want to live together and he's been distant. He tells me it's all because a couple of arguments we had last week and something now feels wrong. I don't know what to do. I don't want to take a step backwards in our relationship, especially because our relationship has been perfect (from both sides up until this point). It's almost like he's a completely different person. I'm considering calling our relationship off. I don't know if I can be with someone that doesn't want to be with me as much as I want to be with them. I'm not sure if I can be with someone who doesn't want the same future as me and someone who can just change their mind about moving in (and their personality) over a couple of silly arguments. We've taken a week off from each other to gain some perspective, he originally said he didn't want to break up but I'm not sure what I want now. He's the love of my life. What should I do??

I think your mistake right now is focusing on him not wanting to move in rather than the "silly arguments." The guy's family lives in a different country and he got to visit them for the holiday. Yes, you're going to be on the backburner. If I were in his shoes and my girlfriend tried to make the little bit of time I could spend with my family back home ****ty by raising arguments, I'd probably need to take a step back and reflect on the relationship, too. Why did you feel he was making an effort to ignore you?

And how long have you two been together?

How long have you been dating? How old is he? Is his family against cohabiting? Did you meet his family? It sounds like their visit influenced him and your reaction of 'feeling ignored' didn't sit well with him.

Go no contact for the break and wait until he contacts you. It sounds like it's over so don't get strung along. Does his family have an arranged marriage set up for him?

During the Christmas break they've been visiting and I felt he was ignoring me. I brought it up and we had a few fights over a couple of days and now he's telling me something's changed and I'm not the person he thought I was. Now he doesn't want to live together and he's been distant. He tells me it's all because a couple of arguments we had last week and something now feels wrong.

How long have you been together? Sometimes low levels of conflict are a good sign, indicating compatibility and unselfishness. But sometimes a relationship without fights can actually be bad, if it is new or untested, or because real issues aren't being discussed. Did you get to meet his family while they were here?

No fights or arguments in any relationship are a very bad sign, it means either one of you are bending over all the time to make the other fell good or get their own way or communication is very poor.

If I was you I would take the advice given about the time he spent with his family, he is living away from whom is is anchor point in life and you tried to make him feel bad about spending time with them???? Have a hard look at yourself maybe.

Try not to pay too much attention to the rude comments, it'll kill you. The way you wrote you felt he was ignoring you came off in the wrong way. It sounded like you were saying, "He didn't text/call/write me for a day and I confronted him and we got into fights about it." When in reality, I am going to guess it didn't happen like that. If he has accessible internet in that other country, and he didn't say anything for more than a couple of days, then he probably should have picked up the phone or something. He is not with his family 24/7. You need to express that, but in a calm manner. Also, if something like that happens, wait until he gets back to confront him. He most likely feels like you were too overbearing, smothering him, or insecure for him to react the way he did. If you confronted it in the wrong way to begin with, then you are the one who needs to truly apologize. People usually only react the way they do because the other person did something wrong. It is up to you to look in the mirror and see how you approached the situation. If you approached it in a bad way, say sorry, maybe do something nice for him to show him you are sorry (because words only mean so much) and don't let something as trivial as that ruin a relationship. To me, and the way you wrote it, it sounds like you guys made a small conflict grow into a big one by not communicating without emotions running high.

Perhaps I did word that quite badly. He is from England and his family came over for 5 weeks to Australia. I made sure they had plenty of time together and they spent the first few weeks together with just them. We messaged as usual and all was fine. I've always been more than happy to give him his space when it comes to his family. I've never been possessive. I spent a week at his house over Christmas and I basically felt like I didn't exist. Please keep in mind that I had given up my week off work to spend it with him and his family instead of my own family which I dearly miss.

I meant to say that we're both late 20's and we've been together for over a year.

How did you get along with his family? Why did you spend a week with them rather than see your family and only visit him/them here or there?

What made him break up and change his mind about things? What did he mean by he "I'm not the person he thought I was"? Something must have happened or the cold shoulder from the family makes no sense.

we're both late 20's and we've been together for over a year. He is from England and his family came over for 5 weeks to Australia. I spent a week at his house over Christmas and I basically felt like I didn't exist.

How did you get along with his family? Why did you spend a week with them rather than see your family and only visit him/them here or there?

 

What made him break up and change his mind about things? What did he mean by he "I'm not the person he thought I was"? Something must have happened or the cold shoulder from the family makes no sense.

I got along really well with them. Just before Christmas he told me they loved me and that it made him so happy. He told me that I completed him and he was lucky to have me. I spent a week with him and his family to get to know them. Him and au never really had time off work together. If we have had time off in the past, he's always gone back to see his family in England. So I thought it would be a nice change.

He told me that I wasn't as understanding as he thought and now something felt wrong. Mainly because he thought I was demanding attention. I've never demanded attention I just said I felt like I didn't exist around him that week. I got upset one day because he wouldn't listen to the directions I gave him and we got lost (when I knew exactly where we were going - he asked some random on the street). He would hardly talk to me or if I was talking to him, he'd just ignore me and not say much. He'd walk off to get on the train with his family while I was stuck in line getting my train ticket. He just wouldn't wait for me. Just things like that. Yeah, I was definitely upset and a bit moody but I've always been pretty understanding. He'd regularly kick me out of his house to have a Skype chat with his family. Although I never minded I did always think it was a little odd. But I'd always allow him his space. I guess for me, even though my family lives a few hours away, I always divide my attention equally when I bring him over to see them. I know I can't expect him to do the same, but it was still hurtful. We had a few arguements about it, but I didn't feel like his reaction was justified. Even he agreed our relationship had been perfect before this week.

He sounds homesick. Is he thinking of moving back and doesn't want to get tied down?

I think so. It sounds like his family being here for 5 weeks has really made him realise how much he misses them. He did mention that he's not enjoying his life here and that having a partner takes time away from his family and that that his time now with them (in the next few years) is precious. He was indicating that he was thinking of moving back. Although I've never heard him talk like this in all our time together. He likes where he lives and he likes his job, although it annoys him sometimes, he's been chatting about moving up the ladder. He's always said that he would never move back. He thought I made him happy up until this point and as I mentioned, we've been looking at houses together and talking about buying something early next year. Even his family were talking about moving out here.

That may explain why he's pulling away and reconsidering everything in his life there vs back home.

He did mention that he's not enjoying his life here and that having a partner takes time away from his family and that that his time now with them. He was indicating that he was thinking of moving back.

That may explain why he's pulling away and reconsidering everything in his life there vs back home.

Yeah, true. I just guess I didn't expect this. I'm not quite as important to him as I originally thought. Obviously I'll respect his decision, I just don't want to be strung along. I don't also want to be in a relationship with someone when we have no future and I'm scared that although he doesn't want to move in, he just wants to stay together out of convience. It's crazy that over a week ago, we were talking about spending the rest of our lives together.

Please keep in mind that I had given up my week off work to spend it with him and his family instead of my own family which I dearly miss.

Yeah, true. I just guess I didn't expect this. I'm not quite as important to him as I originally thought. Obviously I'll respect his decision, I just don't want to be strung along. I don't also want to be in a relationship with someone when we have no future and I'm scared that although he doesn't want to move in, he just wants to stay together out of convience. It's crazy that over a week ago, we were talking about spending the rest of our lives together.

Firstly, moving in is just moving in. How is someone not moving in stringing you along. It just means they don't want to buy a house. To me, when I met my guy, the goal was marriage. So therefore, either we wanted to marry eachother eventually or not. There was no "i have to get him to move in with me to lock him in". You are focusing on the wrong thing.

If i was dating someone and we weren't getting married/i wasn't convinced they were the love of my life and I wasn't in my home country, living in my home country might be a little more important than the relationship. If two people were not on the same trajectory, that breaks people up. he may like where he lives, but the idea of it being permanent might give him pause, you know?

I say lay off on moving in together. Don't look for a place. Let him come down mentally from the holidays and then talk about it. Figure out where you stand. You think he might want to move back to England. if he does, would you if you had more of a commitment?

I do think what was telling is that he didn't want to include you in family things - its great to spend one on one time with them, but if he really considered you more of a permanent part of his life, he would have included you with his family for dinner more, etc., and did things as a group.

No you didn't.

Yeah, actually I did because he asked me to...

It's crazy that over a week ago, we were talking about spending the rest of our lives together.

Were you? or were you just talking about a house? I guess i didn't read the part about spending the rest of your lives together.

Sometimes when people have a serious talk like that, they cool off a bit - think things through.

Firstly, moving in is just moving in. How is someone not moving in stringing you along. It just means they don't want to buy a house. To me, when I met my guy, the goal was marriage. So therefore, either we wanted to marry eachother eventually or not. There was no "i have to get him to move in with me to lock him in". You are focusing on the wrong thing.

 

If i was dating someone and we weren't getting married/i wasn't convinced they were the love of my life and I wasn't in my home country, living in my home country might be a little more important than the relationship. If two people were not on the same trajectory, that breaks people up. he may like where he lives, but the idea of it being permanent might give him pause, you know?

 

I say lay off on moving in together. Don't look for a place. Let him come down mentally from the holidays and then talk about it. Figure out where you stand. You think he might want to move back to England. if he does, would you if you had more of a commitment?

 

I do think what was telling is that he didn't want to include you in family things - its great to spend one on one time with them, but if he really considered you more of a permanent part of his life, he would have included you with his family for dinner more, etc., and did things as a group.

Well it was him that always brought up moving in. I would have never minded not moving in if it wasn't something that we've been working towards since September. You can't just get engaged and then get unengaged then stay together and expect to to be okay. You're moving down a level in commitment. I definitely don't want to 'lock him in', I don't believe that moving in together is locking anyone in. It's just another step forward. I'm saying the same thing as you, that maybe he's not as committed as I thought. This has come completely left field for me.

Were you? or were you just talking about a house? I guess i didn't read the part about spending the rest of your lives together.

Sometimes when people have a serious talk like that, they cool off a bit - think things through.

He's been talking about marriage and growing old together for months.

He's been talking about marriage and growing old together for months.

OP, to be fair, you two haven't really been together that long. I say that because while it's nice that he was talking about these things, it was probably also a little premature. Considering the timeline, you'd only been together a handful of months when he started talking about marriage and whatnot, no? I think he was in honeymoon-phase mode.

I really do think he's strongly reconsidering moving back home. I also live abroad, mingle with a lot of fellow expats in my adopted country, and often hear similar stories about pulling back on relationships when someone is seriously thinking about returning to their home country. Given that his family was just here and this seems to have coincided with their visit, in addition to comments about not enjoying his life in Australia, my guess is that he's had a huge change of heart about staying. The novelty of living overseas does indeed wear off after a while, and I can speak from personal experience in saying that most don't remain abroad permanently (I am referring to those who migrate out of curiosity or adventure, as opposed to people who immigrate for security or financial reasons) Those of us who are generally happy and adjusted abroad are much more likely to commit to something long-term with a local, because we're not thinking about moving home in the foreseeable future.

The above is only speculation. He could well have other concerns about your compatibility together, or generally be uneasy about commitment when push comes to shove. My sense is that he's been thinking about leaving for a little while, and perhaps the recent arguments amplified his doubts. I have had my own parents come to visit me abroad, and I couldn't give my then-boyfriend the same amount of time or attention I normally would, so I get where your boyfriend is coming from. I did, however, make sure to include that ex in various activities with them so that he didn't feel completely left out. It's hard to know if you were being overly needy or if he could have made more of an effort to include you.

For what it's worth, I'm not so sure I'd be interested in the continuing the relationship if he's pulling out of this a month before the intended move-in date. I think you need sit down and re-evaluate the viability of the relationship, because it sounds to me like he's looking for the nearest exit.

Well you weren't engaged and unfortunately things changed. In this case his parents' visit, his homesickness and his unhappiness there came together and he's reconsidering.

Agree, it can't go back to same ol' same ol' now that he's in limbo about things.

You can't just get engaged and then get unengaged then stay together and expect to to be okay.