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Thread: Partner changed his mind about living together. What do I do??

  1. #1
    Rhi
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    Partner changed his mind about living together. What do I do??

    My boyfriend has unexpectedly changed his mind about living together. We've been talking about it for months and set a date for late January. We talked about buying a house this year and saving together. Our relationship has been pretty perfect with a few small bumps. He's from another country and he loves/misses his family. During the Christmas break they've been visiting and I felt he was ignoring me. I brought it up and we had a few fights over a couple of days and now he's telling me something's changed and I'm not the person he thought I was. Now he doesn't want to live together and he's been distant. He tells me it's all because a couple of arguments we had last week and something now feels wrong. I don't know what to do. I don't want to take a step backwards in our relationship, especially because our relationship has been perfect (from both sides up until this point). It's almost like he's a completely different person. I'm considering calling our relationship off. I don't know if I can be with someone that doesn't want to be with me as much as I want to be with them. I'm not sure if I can be with someone who doesn't want the same future as me and someone who can just change their mind about moving in (and their personality) over a couple of silly arguments. We've taken a week off from each other to gain some perspective, he originally said he didn't want to break up but I'm not sure what I want now. He's the love of my life. What should I do??

  2. #2
    j.man
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    I think your mistake right now is focusing on him not wanting to move in rather than the "silly arguments." The guy's family lives in a different country and he got to visit them for the holiday. Yes, you're going to be on the backburner. If I were in his shoes and my girlfriend tried to make the little bit of time I could spend with my family back home ****ty by raising arguments, I'd probably need to take a step back and reflect on the relationship, too. Why did you feel he was making an effort to ignore you?

    And how long have you two been together?

  3. #3
    Wiseman2
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    How long have you been dating? How old is he? Is his family against cohabiting? Did you meet his family? It sounds like their visit influenced him and your reaction of 'feeling ignored' didn't sit well with him.

    Go no contact for the break and wait until he contacts you. It sounds like it's over so don't get strung along. Does his family have an arranged marriage set up for him?
    Quote Originally Posted by Rhi [Register to see the link]
    During the Christmas break they've been visiting and I felt he was ignoring me. I brought it up and we had a few fights over a couple of days and now he's telling me something's changed and I'm not the person he thought I was. Now he doesn't want to live together and he's been distant. He tells me it's all because a couple of arguments we had last week and something now feels wrong.

  4. #4
    gebaird
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    How long have you been together? Sometimes low levels of conflict are a good sign, indicating compatibility and unselfishness. But sometimes a relationship without fights can actually be bad, if it is new or untested, or because real issues aren't being discussed. Did you get to meet his family while they were here?

  5. Thanks Wiseman2, Heavy thanked for this post
  6. #5
    Heavy
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    No fights or arguments in any relationship are a very bad sign, it means either one of you are bending over all the time to make the other fell good or get their own way or communication is very poor.

    If I was you I would take the advice given about the time he spent with his family, he is living away from whom is is anchor point in life and you tried to make him feel bad about spending time with them???? Have a hard look at yourself maybe.

  7. #6
    DanteGarcia16

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    Try not to pay too much attention to the rude comments, it'll kill you. The way you wrote you felt he was ignoring you came off in the wrong way. It sounded like you were saying, "He didn't text/call/write me for a day and I confronted him and we got into fights about it." When in reality, I am going to guess it didn't happen like that. If he has accessible internet in that other country, and he didn't say anything for more than a couple of days, then he probably should have picked up the phone or something. He is not with his family 24/7. You need to express that, but in a calm manner. Also, if something like that happens, wait until he gets back to confront him. He most likely feels like you were too overbearing, smothering him, or insecure for him to react the way he did. If you confronted it in the wrong way to begin with, then you are the one who needs to truly apologize. People usually only react the way they do because the other person did something wrong. It is up to you to look in the mirror and see how you approached the situation. If you approached it in a bad way, say sorry, maybe do something nice for him to show him you are sorry (because words only mean so much) and don't let something as trivial as that ruin a relationship. To me, and the way you wrote it, it sounds like you guys made a small conflict grow into a big one by not communicating without emotions running high.

  8. #7
    Rhi
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    Perhaps I did word that quite badly. He is from England and his family came over for 5 weeks to Australia. I made sure they had plenty of time together and they spent the first few weeks together with just them. We messaged as usual and all was fine. I've always been more than happy to give him his space when it comes to his family. I've never been possessive. I spent a week at his house over Christmas and I basically felt like I didn't exist. Please keep in mind that I had given up my week off work to spend it with him and his family instead of my own family which I dearly miss.

  9. #8
    Rhi
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    I meant to say that we're both late 20's and we've been together for over a year.

  10. #9
    Wiseman2
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    How did you get along with his family? Why did you spend a week with them rather than see your family and only visit him/them here or there?

    What made him break up and change his mind about things? What did he mean by he "I'm not the person he thought I was"? Something must have happened or the cold shoulder from the family makes no sense.
    Quote Originally Posted by Rhi [Register to see the link]
    we're both late 20's and we've been together for over a year. He is from England and his family came over for 5 weeks to Australia. I spent a week at his house over Christmas and I basically felt like I didn't exist.

  11. #10
    Rhi
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wiseman2 [Register to see the link]
    How did you get along with his family? Why did you spend a week with them rather than see your family and only visit him/them here or there?

    What made him break up and change his mind about things? What did he mean by he "I'm not the person he thought I was"? Something must have happened or the cold shoulder from the family makes no sense.
    I got along really well with them. Just before Christmas he told me they loved me and that it made him so happy. He told me that I completed him and he was lucky to have me. I spent a week with him and his family to get to know them. Him and au never really had time off work together. If we have had time off in the past, he's always gone back to see his family in England. So I thought it would be a nice change.

    He told me that I wasn't as understanding as he thought and now something felt wrong. Mainly because he thought I was demanding attention. I've never demanded attention I just said I felt like I didn't exist around him that week. I got upset one day because he wouldn't listen to the directions I gave him and we got lost (when I knew exactly where we were going - he asked some random on the street). He would hardly talk to me or if I was talking to him, he'd just ignore me and not say much. He'd walk off to get on the train with his family while I was stuck in line getting my train ticket. He just wouldn't wait for me. Just things like that. Yeah, I was definitely upset and a bit moody but I've always been pretty understanding. He'd regularly kick me out of his house to have a Skype chat with his family. Although I never minded I did always think it was a little odd. But I'd always allow him his space. I guess for me, even though my family lives a few hours away, I always divide my attention equally when I bring him over to see them. I know I can't expect him to do the same, but it was still hurtful. We had a few arguements about it, but I didn't feel like his reaction was justified. Even he agreed our relationship had been perfect before this week.

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