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Thread: In Need Of Some Wisdom

  1. #1
    extranirvana

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    In Need Of Some Wisdom

    I'm just looking for some feedback on how everyone here would deal with this unique situation. I don't have many people to talk to about this so any insight would be greatly appreciated. Sorry if this is a bit long but I gotta get this off of my mind.

    When I was 15 one of my grandmas died and because I was the only living member of her blood family left I inherited her house that was fully paid off. Because I wasn't an adult at the time of her death I was told that we would sell the house and put the money in an account until I turned 18. After realizing that I was trying to think of someway I could keep the house because I loved the property and spent a lot of my happiest times there. We ended up working a deal with the court that instead of the house being sold me and my parents would move into it with the deal being they would pay taxes on the property.

    I also had other bits of money from the inheritance and my mother decided to move my money from the estate to a CD. Me being a naive 15 year old I signed off on it and by the time I turned 18 I went to my guardian of my estate and realized a lot of my money was gone. I ended up learning that my parents spent my money to help support us while my step dad wasn't working. They investigated my mother and wanted to throw her in jail for tampering with my estate but nothing ever came of it. I was told by them that this was on the guardian of the estate and he screwed me I believed them at that time.

    When I was about 21 or 22 we get a notice that the taxes haven't been paid and they start getting nervous about it. Their solution was to have me and my step dads mother co-sign on a mortgage and once again because I was naive and their credit is worthless I signed on. I didn't want to lose the house and I felt like it was my best option. We get a mortgage and part of the deal was we would pay the taxes and then get my car fixed (It's about a 1,200 dollar job.) because at the time I had no transportation and had to quit my job because of it. A week or so goes by and I'm asking about my car. They keep telling me they have a motor lined up for my car and that it's all but taken care of. A month or 2 goes by and at this point I know something isn't right so I really press them hard about the motor and they tell me there is no money left. They ended up paying the taxes and spending the rest of the money on Xmas and other stupid things. Similar to the estate money the blew it and it wasn't on house improvements or anything like that just pointless spending. The worst part was that I actually had enough money saved up from working that I could've fixed my car myself but they re-assured me that it was taken care of so I spent my money on other things. If they wouldn't have strung me along and lied over and over I would've had a car.

    Now I'm 24 still no car haven't had a job in a few years and I have a house with my parents in it who refuse to do any work around the house or invest in the property and it's not an enjoyable place to live but it's still the best I've got. I feel like I'm the only one who cares about my property or my well being for that matter. They both say all the right things but can never actually follow through. My Mom suffers from mental issues and refuses to take responsibility and hardly gets herself cleaned up for the day. My step dad works but isn't the type of person that helps my Mom he just ignores her issues until it reaches a boiling point and everyone feels her wraith.

    On New Years day my Mom randomly decides to take a walk which is weird because she hardly ever leaves the house. After 2-3 hours nobody has heard from her and we get a call from her friends that they're on there way to pick her up 10 minutes from my house. She shows up and walks through the door sobbing saying "They tricked me and brought me back to this hell!" Now our living situation is far from perfect but this is in no way hell. She has no responsibilities other than cooking dinner and no expectations are put upon her while I do all of the yard work and my step dad makes money so from my view she has it pretty good. They start to argue and my mom is just in this total mental illness state plus she's intoxicated on alcohol and pills so obviously nothing good can come of this. I'm watching them and my Mom looks like she's about to take a swing and I step in and tell her "No we are not getting violent." and for that moment she backs down. Later she comes back out of her room and start it again and when she tries to get violent I bear hug her to stop her from attacking my step dad and she then bit my arm like some kind of rabid animal. Then says she's leaving again and we are stopping her from leaving and she picks up a beer bottle (luckily it had a rubber beer holder on it) and starts trying to swing that bottle around and I lay on top of her until she let it go and after she stormed off talking about suicide. Only to come out later saying "Please don't beat me anymore." It was obvious to me I should've called the law but there is no way my mom would've complied with the law and it would've ended in an ugly way that I couldn't handle.

    Eventually things die down and the next day I called my brother to pick me up and drop me off at my Grandmas. I start talking to my Grandma about the situation and how I'm torn because I want my Mom to be healthy but I can't keep being her punching bag and this drama she creates is just too much. (That incident is the worst I've ever seen her but there was similar incident on Xmas 2 years ago.) My Grandma (her mother.) agreed and is suggesting that I need to stand strong and tell them how it should be or else kick them out. After talking to her more I realized they have manipulated me and everybody else in their world for money. Me, my brother, my Grandma and my step dad's Mom have all been taken advantage of without any shame or remorse. My Grandma suggests that if things don't work out with them that it will be okay and that she will move in with me and help me fix up the house in order for me to sell it soon. I trust my Grandma to fulfill her end of the bargain but I'm afraid she's manipulating the situation to make her world better and I wonder if that's really what's best.

    I've tried over and over again to make this work but they don't respect me, they don't respect my property, they try to manipulate me constantly and they are even paying the mortgage late (It not about money it's about laziness. They don't manage their finances they just spend it as it comes.) I feel like those 2 are just toxic and can't be saved. The main reason why I've been a doormat for these people is because I know that addressing this would only hurt my Mom and wouldn't be productive. When she hears criticism she just turns it into a personnel attack and plays victim. I think it's time I need to do something for myself though.

    I just have a hard time seeing a way out of this situation without severing ties with my parents. The other option is I can just continue to take their crap until they bring down the worth of my house to nothing and leech everything from me until they die. The good news is the health insurance from my step dad's new job is kicking in sometime this month and she can get back on medication. I've seen that cycle before too and while it is hope I have a hard time feeling it will make all of our problems go away because she puts no effort into helping herself. Once my Mom started getting violent and even bit me that's a moment I can't come back from and I've reach my tipping point.

    Questions? Thoughts?
    Last edited by extranirvana; 01-04-2017 at 12:00 AM.

  2. #2
    melancholy123
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Who actually owns the house right now? if it's you, maybe you need to sell it even tho you really like it, and get another house or condo or apt. for yourself, and live by yourself. You are in a really lousy situation and your mother needs some serious help you cant provide. You may need a lawyer to help you with this. I know it stinks you may need to consider selling the house but it may be the only way out.

  3. #3
    extranirvana

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    Quote Originally Posted by melancholy123 [Register to see the link]
    Who actually owns the house right now? if it's you, maybe you need to sell it even tho you really like it, and get another house or condo or apt. for yourself, and live by yourself. You are in a really lousy situation and your mother needs some serious help you cant provide. You may need a lawyer to help you with this. I know it stinks you may need to consider selling the house but it may be the only way out.
    The house is in my name and I can sell it with a small lean on the house from the mortgage. I want to make the right move but I know that with whatever decision I make I won't be able to undo it.

    I love my Mom she's the only parent I have left and I want to help her but I think our relationship is so deluded that she doesn't see me as a person helping just an enemy. I feel like I'd be taking the easy way out and abandoning her. What if the next thing I tell her or do is what causes her to attempt suicide? I can't live with that.

  4. #4
    Cryptic

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    Whether you choose to sell or not, it's clear that you are in a very toxic environment, both physically and emotionally. Your top priority should be to remove yourself from that situation at any cost. You are still very young and need to start living your own life. You should not feel responsible for dealing with your mother's mental illness. She is your parent, you are not hers, and there is no incentive for her to change or get treatment if you keep enabling her. However she reacts, it's not your fault. Nor is it something you can predict since you're not a psychic, so don't beat yourself up over it. Before you can help anyone else, you need to help yourself first.

  5. #5
    extranirvana

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cryptic [Register to see the link]
    Whether you choose to sell or not, it's clear that you are in a very toxic environment, both physically and emotionally. Your top priority should be to remove yourself from that situation at any cost. You are still very young and need to start living your own life. You should not feel responsible for dealing with your mother's mental illness. She is your parent, you are not hers, and there is no incentive for her to change or get treatment if you keep enabling her. However she reacts, it's not your fault. Nor is it something you can predict since you're not a psychic, so don't beat yourself up over it. Before you can help anyone else, you need to help yourself first.
    What you're saying makes a lot sense and after being away from them for a few days I'm starting to see things more clearly.


    Thanks Cryptic and melancholy123 your replies are appreciated.

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