Hi everybody, I just moved to NYC 2 weeks ago, just graduated and will be living here for a year. I developed a wave about yesterday afternoon.
I haven't had a serious depressive/anxiety episode for about 6 years, but I constantly have a grey mind that never leaves me, but it's manageable with on and off medication. One of my biggest anxieties is not having a girlfriend, I've never had one, which i know at 23 is not normal. This hit me in my teens. I always play it down by saying "they're all the same, I'm better off on my own" but the truth is I just want to be with someone.
I was working at this bar and in walks this girl with her friends, long story short I ended up kissing her on New Years, which is nothing surprising by the way, but afterwards I was stuck for words, repeating myself or being a little awkward. I gave her my number and I guess I'm just really disappointed that she didn't answer back, I liked her and I thought she was stunning. Now, I know that this happens all the time for people, but something as easy as this really gets to me and can bring on a blue spell. I'm trying to think back to my previous disastrous encounters, learn from my mistakes so I if she doesn't answer that text, well then I guess that's life.
I have been with a number of women but never long term, they have only been some bizarre and twisted affairs that only last for a matter of weeks before they tire of me. I feel in order to find out what's wrong and give the entire picture, I need to be honest. I'm a good looking guy, not in amazing shape but decent, funny and I'm talented at my designs. I did very mediocre in college results but determined to make my parents proud. I want to set up my own company and know that I can become successful but still feel like a shell.
I'll walk into a club and see a lot of people look at me. But when I talk to anyone I can see the interest or curiosity diminish. I find it hard to connect with someone and them with me. I was more or less bullied unintentionally by my dad relating to this stuff when I was little and find it very difficult to open up. I just want to meet a nice girl and not spend another year on my own. I'm not a fan of self pity, it's a waste of time I'm just laying everything on the table.
Does anybody know what I may be doing wrong? How might I find a nice girl, me and my roommates go to bars but I find it very difficult to hear people, I believe I'm partially deaf and make the situation awkward.
If anybody could help me with this I would live to hear from people. Thanks guys, it means a lot.