Feeling depression setting in and just moved country

Hi everybody, I just moved to NYC 2 weeks ago, just graduated and will be living here for a year. I developed a wave about yesterday afternoon.

I haven't had a serious depressive/anxiety episode for about 6 years, but I constantly have a grey mind that never leaves me, but it's manageable with on and off medication. One of my biggest anxieties is not having a girlfriend, I've never had one, which i know at 23 is not normal. This hit me in my teens. I always play it down by saying "they're all the same, I'm better off on my own" but the truth is I just want to be with someone.

I was working at this bar and in walks this girl with her friends, long story short I ended up kissing her on New Years, which is nothing surprising by the way, but afterwards I was stuck for words, repeating myself or being a little awkward. I gave her my number and I guess I'm just really disappointed that she didn't answer back, I liked her and I thought she was stunning. Now, I know that this happens all the time for people, but something as easy as this really gets to me and can bring on a blue spell. I'm trying to think back to my previous disastrous encounters, learn from my mistakes so I if she doesn't answer that text, well then I guess that's life.

I have been with a number of women but never long term, they have only been some bizarre and twisted affairs that only last for a matter of weeks before they tire of me. I feel in order to find out what's wrong and give the entire picture, I need to be honest. I'm a good looking guy, not in amazing shape but decent, funny and I'm talented at my designs. I did very mediocre in college results but determined to make my parents proud. I want to set up my own company and know that I can become successful but still feel like a shell.

I'll walk into a club and see a lot of people look at me. But when I talk to anyone I can see the interest or curiosity diminish. I find it hard to connect with someone and them with me. I was more or less bullied unintentionally by my dad relating to this stuff when I was little and find it very difficult to open up. I just want to meet a nice girl and not spend another year on my own. I'm not a fan of self pity, it's a waste of time I'm just laying everything on the table.

Does anybody know what I may be doing wrong? How might I find a nice girl, me and my roommates go to bars but I find it very difficult to hear people, I believe I'm partially deaf and make the situation awkward.

If anybody could help me with this I would live to hear from people. Thanks guys, it means a lot.

Picking up women in bars and clubs isn't going to yield much but what you described. "have been with a number of women but never long term, they have only been some bizarre and twisted affairs that only last for a matter of weeks before they tire of me".

Why not get on some dating apps and try meeting local women that way? Message the ones you like ad ask them for a coffee meet. Go slowly and if you see red flags move on. Unless of course you just want more "bizarre and twisted" hookups.

I wish I had an answer about the girlfriend issue. Maybe you could try to find a therapist who can help you work on your social skills? You seemed to indicate that once you start talking, the interest is diminished. You need to try to figure out why this is happening. A therapist who is a neutral party might be able to help you.