No Contact - My Journey

I was in a long term relationship with my best friend. We went through a lot together and I ended up getting hurt. I am now trying to move on without him which has been very difficult. Cutting contact was not a possibility for me. I have spoken to him every day for over 4 years, I told him absolutely everything. I couldn't imagine not having him in my life even for a few weeks. This was until today when I finally realised that it will be almost impossible to move on and stay in contact with each other. We were carrying on talking every day like nothing happened. I found myself waiting for him to message me and the plans I tried to make for myself would revolve around the possibility of seeing him.

No contact was not even an option for me 8 hours ago. I just suddenly had a brain wave where I realised how miserable I will be if I carry on like this. I messaged him and told him that I needed to cut contact. He understood and told me to message him when I was ready. Genuinely ready for a friendship. My goal is to get to a place where we can become great friends like we were before we got into a relationship. His friendship means the world to me and always has. I deleted every text, whatsapp message, photo and evidence of his existence from my phone. I deactivated my Facebook and my Twitter. We both said we loved each other and told each other to take care. I then deleted his number.

At that point, I was basically inconsolable. I had never cried so hard or felt so overwhelmingly sad. I screamed into my pillow. Since then (6 hours ago) I came to a realisation. I am no longer waiting for his texts and for him to contact me. I am no longer reading through old texts or looking at his social media profiles. I am no longer looking back at old photos. I am no longer looking at his whatsapp to see if he is online. I have taken all of that stuff away so that it is no longer an option.

I do feel very unsettled. I wonder what he is doing, I wonder if he is thinking of me, I wonder if he is missing me, I wonder if he will want to contact me and if he will realise what he has lost. I wonder if I will ever know.

This forum is such a great release for me to get things off my mind and write down how I feel and everyone is so supportive of each other. I am going to update this thread occasionally if or when I make any progress. I know that no contact is the best thing for me even though it feels comfortless.

I have a vision of me and my ex meeting up for a coffee in the future, laughing and joking and catching up on what we have both been doing in the time that we had no contact. We will both look happy and healthy, we will both have more things going on in our lives, we will both be working towards our success and we will both appreciate each other differently and more than we did before, as friends.

Maybe I am deluding myself. Maybe it's a possibility. Maybe my feelings will change as time goes on but that vision is the only thing getting me through this right now.

This alone is an excellent reason to go no contact and block him. Do not strive to be friends. It will never work. You can't go backwards in life. The cheated, he has a gf...he's not your friend.

My long-term boyfriend of three years recently broke up with me. I found out a few weeks later that he had been seeing someone else for around 6 weeks leading up to our break up.I feel like I am having to go through this break up process alone while my ex-boyfriend is now happy

Hey, I already posted on your other thread under the name London28 but that was closed for having multiple accounts

I get you, and I'm sorry you have to go through this. I felt just like you do a couple of weeks ago. It just feels impossible to not think about someone and not to talk to them, especially when you love them that much. But NC is the best way to heal and move on. I'm no expert, since I'm in a similar situation, but that's what everyone keeps telling me, so it must be at least partly true. I hope you feel better soon.

Day 2 - I'm really hoping someone can give me a prep talk. I've come to Paris on my own for a few days as I wanted to keep busy and clear my head. The only problem is now that I'm here, I feel even more alone than I was when I was back home. I know I can't contact him. He's happy with the partner that he left me for and if I call sobbing down the phone I'm only gonna look even more pathetic. He's not thinking about me so why can't I get everything off my mind? I think a big part of this is that I had the life that I wanted. I had a nice place to live with the love of my life and great mutual friends now I've lost everything. I know it's only day 2 but I feel like this can't possibly get any worse and I feel like it's not gonna get any better either.

Im sure you can find a lot of things to do in Paris that can distract you for a while. You may even join a tour and meet people so you're not completely by your own.

I hadn't realized your ex is with someone else now, and it hurt me to even read it since that's exactly how I feel (the part of calling him sobbing). For me, I just wish we could speak in a civilized way about what happened, at least.

Don't waste Paris, take it as an opportunity to share time with you.

I know if I called my ex he would be there for me and give me all the reassurance that I need but that's only because he feels guilty. He put me through a lot over the past year. This won't help my recovery though it will just prolong it so as much as I wanna call him and for him to tell me everything will be okay, I have to do this on my own. I was lucky enough to get all the answers I needed to be able to move on and get closure, I think the worst part of it all is that I've lost my best friend.

It sure is the most difficult part. But continue NC and over time you'll start to get used to it and heal. I hope the same for me, as well.

Meanwhile, try to distract yourself so you don't feel this bad 24/7.

Day 3 - Yesterday I was in a really dark place, probably the lowest I've ever felt and I was completely desperate and alone. I ended up leaving Paris 2 days early to come back to London just so I could deal with these feelings in my own space. On the journey, I seriously considered breaking NC and I started convincing myself that I should. After a pep talk from my friend, I realised that I'm only focusing on the negatives and completely ignoring what is good in my life. I don't want to be a victim. I don't want to let this break-up define who I am. I deserve to be happy and I am the only one suffering in this situation. I'm not saying I won't have a bad day again. I'm not saying that I won't have another emotional breakdown. I'm sure there will be plenty. My friend said to me "When you focus on problems, you'll have more problems. When you focus on possibilities, you'll have more opportunities" and that really struck a chord.

Today was the first time I didn't wake up and immediately cry. I still feel positive from last night. I had a bath, I ate for the first time in days. I went to the gym and I met my friend. I'm currently sitting in a hotel bar, having a coffee just so I could just be out of the house and in a social environment. My friend told me that my ex messaged him to ask if I was okay and to look after me. It sort of made me feel better knowing that he was thinking of me but maybe I would have been best not knowing because now I'm thinking about him a little more than I was earlier. My strong feelings have moved to the back of my head and although they are always there, I'm finding a way to deal with them. I'm worried if I stop and think about him or reminisce, I will be back to square one.

Day 4 - I’m not having as good of a day as I was yesterday. I dreamed about him all night. So when I finally woke up, I was sad and I cried. Having NC with the person you love is actually a form of torture. I wonder if he is missing me as much as I miss him? I refuse to believe after having an amazing relationship and laughing our way through the good and bad times for so long, that he is not struggling at all during this no contact period.

It’s the constant dreaming about him when you’re asleep. It’s the waking up, reaching for him when he’s not there. it’s the sinking feeling when you travel past a restaurant or a place that reminds you of him. It’s the pain of seeing his face only in your memory. it’s not being able to listen to your music because all songs remind you of him.

This may be hard for some people to understand after everything he has done but I think there will always be a small part of me that will hope to reconcile someday.

I understand hoping to reconcile I think it's OK to keep that thought til you don't need it anymore. As long as it doesn't hold you back and you keep working through it. One day you won't want your ex anymore. I hope you do something today that makes you happy, even if just for a bit.

I'm doing so badly at No Contact. I drank a bottle of wine, I've looked at his twitter, I found his number and I have whatsapp open ready to message him. I really want to message him, I'm so close to just having a conversation with him but something is holding me back. Does he even care? Will he care if I message him or will he reassure me out of guilt? Why am I such a mess? I've lost all sense of rationality

I'm doing so badly at No Contact. I drank a bottle of wine, I've looked at his twitter, I found his number and I have whatsapp open ready to message him. I really want to message him, I'm so close to just having a conversation with him but something is holding me back. Does he even care? Will he care if I message him or will he reassure me out of guilt? Why am I such a mess? I've lost all sense of rationality

Well, whether you contact or not, don't do it when you're a mess. There is an aspect to breaking up that is weaning your brain off a chemical "addiction". Ride it out.

Thank you. I cut contact. Back to day 1 tomorrow

Oh no, *hugs* but now you know. Keep pushing forward. Don't fall back to day 1 again.

What did you get out of messaging him?

Absolutely nothing. I felt like he was talking to me because he felt like he had to not because he wanted to and in the end, I just had to end the conversation because it was obvious he didn't want to talk. I think he was with his new partner so it was hard for him to talk but like HELLO??? I was here first. I don't know if I feel worse or better for messaging him. I'm such an idiot.

Don't beat yourself up. He's seeing someone so soon? He doesn't deserve a single 'hello' from you. Chin, up. Become a mystery to him. I'm in the same boat as you and it's TOUGH. And he's done me wrong, he doesn't even deserve a smoke signal from me.

If he wants to talk to you, he will talk to you. You're trying to tell me it won't hit them sooner or later? Give it time. Silence is golden.

Thank you, you made me feel better about the whole thing

Day 1 - After I drunk dialled on Friday night and made a complete idiot of myself, he called me back yesterday morning. We talked for an hour on the phone and then continued to message each other throughout the day until midnight where we then spent another 2 hours on the phone. It felt good. We laughed, joked, it felt like nothing ever happened. Today we have gone back to NC again. I know that if we are in contact, I will just be waiting by the phone and I will be prolonging the pain.

I went to a codependency meeting today and it didn't really help me at all. I then had a very unproductive rest of the day, sat in my feelings and I've been very emotional. I just miss having that person that you tell everything to and talk to throughout the day that makes you feel better. Messaging friends is not the same.

I just miss having that person that you tell everything to and talk to throughout the day that makes you feel better. Messaging friends is not the same.

I know. That's the hardest part of all this. I'm on day 7 myself. I wanted him to send him an email telling him I'm sorry, but guys here told me it's not the best idea. He seems not to care, though, he seems happy with her and that's killing me. I miss him being mine to talk, because talking to friends isn't the same, indeed. I miss feeling loved by someone, as well.

But hey, if we keep NC, eventually we'll start to miss them less and less. Will get used to it. At least that's what I want, since I know there's no turning back.

I'm getting close to 1 year since the breakup with my ex-gf, and around 10 months of NC (with a few bumps on the road like you, but for different reasons, not trying to compare) and i have to admit, even tho it wont help you, ( (except maybe seing someone still being pathetic and ruined this long after could give you some sort of ironic purpose of avoiding that) I started crying, badly.. like really damn bad, when i read your posts here.. Somehow your story, well your words to be precise, struck the feelings ive been burying and hiding, just to get trough the days.. I am a totally unrecognizeable destructable mess right now, and thinking about how stupid it is, or telling myself how long since it all happened, just makes everything worse.. You know, one of my biggest problems is if im mad at myself, i get even more mad at myself for being mad at myself. Its the vicious cycle, and its been killing me for almost a year now. I lost my best friend in my ex as well. I was 1000% sure we were soulmates, all the way. And even tho i realize alot of red flags and now, for some wierd reason, i feel like she could have been a serial killer behind my back and i would still miss, crave, and want her back.. I would lie if i said feelings hadnt changed, if even just a little, and i am reminded of that when i read your situation.

To be honest, i dont even know what i wanted to say, other than that you moved me pretty damn hard, and my evening just turned into the sobbing anti-qlimax of a romantic comedy.. minus the comedy.. oO

Not trying to pin my pain on you, cause if anything i needed to feel this again, to know that i cant just hide it away for eternity and hope for a miracle between now and my own demise, something needs to be done, and i forgot that, so rather thank you i guess.. I hope you feel better soon, appreciate the little things, the tiny progress you notice even for a second.

If you ever need to talk to someone, trade some stories, or anything, I am here.

The last thing ill say, is something a coach i had for a few months during my worst times, told me. It hurts a little less when you dont fight your pain, so remember: "Suffering is the rejection of pain" Don't let yourself suffer, but let yourself accept the pain. Let it be there, if anything it makes us feel alive.

I'm so sorry that you are still struggling after so long. I hope you find a way to move on soon. I hope we both do to be honest. If your story really is similar to mine, we both deserve to be happy and we both will if we allow ourselves to be happy. I am trying hard to work through my feelings so I can grieve this relationship now and not somewhere down the line in the future.

Day 2 - I had another emotional day. I literally couldn't stop crying, I even cried to my doctor it was so embarrassing. I wasted another day wallowing in my emotions and then I saw my therapist tonight and it really helped me. She told me that I need to feel what I need to feel when I need to feel it. I realised I've been trying to run away from this feeling, I've been trying to rush through the process of healing. I went to Paris thinking my feelings would magically fade. I went to a codependency anonymous meeting thinking I would find the answers there. I've been searching through self-help guides and endless forums trying to find the solution to this heartbreak. Nothing will help me except processing my emotions and going through the motions.

I feel so much better after off-loading all my thoughts on to my therapist. I used to be able to tell my boyfriend absolutely anything. There was no part of me that I wasn't comfortable showing him. I have lost that and being able to tell my therapist my deepest thoughts and my worries really helped me. I then met my friend and we had a bottle of wine in a restaurant. I'm feeling positive but if I've learned anything over the past week, it's that the positivity won't last long and I know that I need to mourn this break-up properly.

Day 7 - I went back and fourth with NC and after a few failed attempts, I have finally gone 7 days cold turkey. I've been working in the day, I've been socialising in the evenings. I have been on a night out, I've had a one night stand, I've had a date, I've hung out with friends, I've been living my life. I've had highs and lows. I still have the sinking feeling when I think about him and I still dream about him every night. Some dreams make me sad and some dreams are comforting. I would be lying if I said I haven't fought myself over whether to text him or not. I have to tell myself that I've come too far to turn back. I will get back in contact with him but not until I am emotionally detached from the relationship. One thing that I've learnt about being in NC is that if you are sat around at home feeling sorry for yourself, it's going to do absolutely NOTHING for you. You are dragging out the agony.

If someone would have told me 2 weeks ago that I would be going on a date with someone else, I wouldn't have believed it. I ended up having the best time I've had in months. Even though we are not compatible, it was a great distraction and we had a lot of fun. I will definitely see him again next week. Distractions are what I need right now. It really does get easier with NC and although I am still in love with my ex, I am starting to look at my relationship from a different perspective. It wasn't all sunshine and rainbows.