Yet another sad reminder

On one of my other forums, a family member posted about another missing family member a few weeks ago. I've followed the story closely since along with the rest of the people on there.

There was a history of domestic violence between this woman and her ex-husband, with whom she had a 5 year old special needs child. On December 30th, police found female human remains wrapped in plastic in this man's garage. He was charged with tampering/moving a corpse. The next day, he was charged with murder in the 1st degree.

This is the latest - /

This is not some one off. It happens every day.

Next time you ask yourself if abusers can change, imagine your dead body surrounded by scented candles as your kid is in the house eating dinner 40 feet away from your rotting corpse, oblivious. Just let that sink in.

It does happen every.single.day. My mom's best friend died 25 years ago due to domestic violence. He killed her on his Birthday because he could not have her anymore. He shot her to death and then blew his own head off.

Stories like this are in the news almost every single day - it almost feels epidemic. It's very very disturbing and frightening and makes one wonder what is going on with people to lead them to such violence. Even more frightening is the women who stay in these violent, abusive relationships. All very scary stuff.

There was a story here about a woman who shot her ex wife and then killed herself...and there are three kids who don't have their mother anymore now (not sure if both of them were mom or not). The one who was killed she had gotten a protection order last year but it was dismissed after a month. Generally the only way that happens is the petitioner asks for it to be dismissed. I know - I've done it. I had a protection order against my ex husband before we got married. For two months. I asked for it to be dismissed and it was after I talked to victim witness. Then we got back together but I didn't think anything serious. Then bam I got pregnant. I gave him a chance to leave...he didn't want to. Then when I was five months pregnant he beat the crap out of me in another meth withdrawal (that's what happened the first time drunk and coming off meth) because he wanted me to take him to get more and I didn't but we were in the car and he smacked the crap out of me so I did. Didn't tell anyone about that one. (A day before my birthday too). Then I married him like a moron. Then when our daughter was four months old he did it again and I got away and called the cops. I was lucky. He almost strangled me unconscious while our daughter was in the other room. Sadly I had to leave her with him because I knew I wouldn't have another chance. He was nuts! I mean he had cold, dead eyes. It was like he was possessed. He claims each time he "blacked out."

But I didn't divorce him. I said it was the meth...and I finally divorced him in 2015. I did get back another time end of 2015 because he was sober, working, meetings, etc. Then he relapsed last year. And now he's in rehab again because he did so much meth he got an infection in his arm (shooting it up). He might go to prison. Part of me hopes he does. He doesn't care.

But despite all this I still love him and in my heart hope he can grow up and be a dad to his kids. But my brain knows otherwise. I am just lucky he didn't kill me. I asked him what would he have done if he had? "Blacked out" and then "wakes up" and I'm lying there dead? He didn't know what to say. I told him what my dad told my stepsister's ex husband "What if some stranger had come in and did to me what you did?" He said "I would have beaten him up." I said "But you did it. Think about that. YOU did it." He got quiet like the other guy.

When people say "why do people stay in these relationships?" (I say people because women AND men are victims and survivors of dv). It's easy to judge looking on the outside. I used to say "I would never let a man hit me." And then it happened. Because I never saw it coming. Yeah his ex wife told me about some crap he did and I did see her with a black eye once. BUT she was also trying to get back together with him all at the same time she tells me what a he is. So I didn't believe her. And he had never been violent when we first dated back when we were 19-21. He was a partier then. But most 19-21 year olds do.

The reason I stayed is because the only times that it happened was meth withdrawals. And meth makes people crazy. And he looked like a different person. So I said "well if he just gets sober and stays sober..." I thought moving closer to his kids would help. It didn't. He just got closer to his drugs. Plus our daughter has her medical issues and I was dealing with that sometimes it was easier to just give him money and let him go. Because he would act like a kid until I would. I had so much to deal with at the time I was just doing what I thought was best and allowing him the chances to change.

But he doesn't want to. He has said he hates to be sober. So that's fine. I finally realized after four years he won't grow up. He won't change. He won't be a father. So I have to move on and take care of our daughter and myself and not allow him to destroy me or my career. It's different when you're on the inside -because I even look at like his mom's marriage (who she's finally leaving) and told her for years first don't marry him then said leave him. He's an abusive angry little man. His sister I said don't marry this guy and I told her to leave her baby daddy (who she had four kids with) and I didn't even know he had hit her until he was in prison. But I saw the way he controlled her and I told his ass off and I told her husband off and now she disowned me over that. My mom and her pos husband she let my dad for...I think she's finally realizing it but she gave up us kids, her marriage, everything for this jerk.

That's the problem - people stay with abusers because they are so damn good at manipulation. They know how to get in your head. They know your weaknesses and what to say to make you stay. They isolate your family and friends. -- My ex didn't I just didn't like always lying about where he was so I didn't go to my parents as much.--- But my mom's husband has been isolating her. My ex sister in law has isolated herself from a lot of friends and family. I was one of her best friends - she even said I was her best friend over her twin sister. Until this guy. She told me "Trust me I know what I'm doing." That scared me. I have said that.

It's just all the psychological aspects is why people stay. And it happens to men too. There are abusive women. DV is not a gender specific crime.

Also i think instead of focusing on why someone stays we need to focus on why someone ABUSES!!!