2016 was wretched on my heart

Looking forward to 2017. Last year was a painful one, my heart has not ached that bad since the break up with my ex husband 22 years ago and the death of my dad. But low and behold here came along this man that I fell so in love shared my life with in every aspect, just to watch it crumble and come to an end. I spent the majority of 2016 crying, arguing and hurting. But, now it done, it's over. Moving on, I did all I could, will do no more. I'm ready to receive the New Year with health, love and laughter in my life once again.

I've made a lot of tough decisions in my life. 2016, although very tumoultious with us I didn't have many life altering decisions to make until this past week and yesterday. Making the decision to accept the reality of our relationship was the toughest of 2016. In many way's I am greatful that was one of the toughest things I had to endure last year, given how challenging my life has been through out the years, so I should reallly be counting my blessing's and keep up front all the gifts God has given me. I take you and I and put it in GOD's hands for here on. I can't keep reaching out to you.........I mean for what, you have made things crystal clear through NO action at all. But, you said a lot, and your words spoke louder than how you said them. I'd like to call you and tell you so many things, I'd like to tell you how you hurt me, how much I loved you, how my heart aches, how the things you said, did and did not do, shattered me.................but for what? Truth is you probably and most likely do not really care, it will boost your ego and keep you in control of my heart and emotions and it will avail me absolutely nothing ZERO! Saying to myself: Get a grip, have some integrity and respect for yourself, how much longer are you going to to this, this STOPS now, Give your self some freakin RESPECT....will ya!!!!

I'm right there with you. Worst year of my life. We have to make this year better.

You will Shana, I read your post and I am sorry for you heart ache. I have come to the awareness that once we give ourselves value and respect and, know, not just believe, but know that we deserve good treatment and to be loved and respected with good intentions, than we, can begin moving in the right direction and not think nor worry about what they have said and done to us. If we give ourselves value than than we will not give value to what they have said and again, done to us that have hurt us and brought us immense pain. At least that is what I am doing for myself. In my case, the way he has spoken to me or treated me is a reflection of who he is and does not dictate who and what I am. Therefore, I am amazing, I have great love inside of me to give and share, for those who do not want it, oh well, then they could go on their merry way, someone, someday will appreciate and share and return all the love I have inside of me, someone deserving of it.

Sorry, I had to put my foot down the way I did. Truth is I really should not be sorry. The pain you were causing emotionally at times seems like it was even done on purpose and if it wasn't then it was self serving without you even taking into consideration what is was doing to me. I was running out of things to do to keep my sanity and the heart ache at bay. But, nothing was working. Forcing the NC was the only way. Everything was in plain black and white. You really did not want me, you just wanted to reserve the right to dump on me via text and phone to soothe yourself without taking into consideration what is was doing to me. But, I was no better, I went along and in between it all continued to dig for a glimpse of hope in you and the deeper I dig the further down I went into that hole. Probably exactly where you wanted me. You have a streak in you that is almost a tad evil, I noticed it early on but I dismissed it because you were also lovable, charming, handsome and funny. I spoke to my therapist yesterday, mentioned to her that I think you may have NPD. She told me not to be to quick to judge or label you instead, we need to work on me dealing with the fear of pain that I might endure when letting you go for good meaning no contact at all. "Might" is the magic word. Because, although I am afraid of the pain and innner emotional turmoil, I also know I have already experienced a lot over the months and most likely it will not be as painful. But still, she is right I am afraid to feel the pain to get to the other side, I'm afraid of going through the storm in order to reach the calm. I'm afraid of never ever hearing from you again, although I know it's over. Even the texting as horrifying as many are, still meant you were in my life in some way, even though they caused me pain, it seemed like less pain than not to hear from you. Imagine, imagine the strength and courage once I do, yea that is what I need to imagine. It seems unthinkable at times, so freeing myself from you will indeed be a milestone and would and should even be celebrated when I do. You have made me so sick and have almost sucked me dry like a sponge, like a vampire. I think I am beginning to identify you more with pain than with loving memories........hell, that could be a good thing, maybe I'm getting somewhere already.

2016 was a painful year and for me continues into 2017. I hope we all have a great year!

2016 was a painful year and for me continues into 2017. I hope we all have a great year!

I hope the same mandee

Interestingly, this week has been a good week ever since I "I put my foot down" I have been more family focused and exploring my creative side, joining classes, and putting concentrating on my work. I'm proud of myself.

Way to go!! Good luck rtyu4567 !

Thanks Mandee Sofia

sorry to hear but happy to see you're making progress! Always remember you are stronger than you know! Hugs

I just posted on another thread and got to thinking that Maybe I'm not falling into a deep depression and am where Im supposed to be given the circumstances, after all I lost a big part of my everyday life and I am just now beginning to let myself feel the feeling like my Doctor suggested. Yes, I should def keep a close eye on my well being but I also should not be so hard on myself. Yes, I'm lonely, yes I'm sad, yes, I'm unmotivated. But I also spent sometimes dabbling in the chaos of staying in contact with ex for added torture and this is the real first time that I am actually allowing myself to move forward. I wish I didn't have to push myself so hard to be happy again. Or maybe I should just know that I will feel that level of happiness I felt before I met him as long as I keep doing what I'm doing and not giving in to my unmotivated feeling to much. I need to find a balance and be aware that in due time I will be okay. I guess I'm a little scared too, scared of growing old alone with no companion, scared no one else will ever love me again, scared I will never meet anyone else who I will feel butterflies with. I just want to feel like me again, and I guess I just have to go through these phases to get there. Interestingly, I am beginning to feel a feeling I have not felt before regarding him, I'ts a mixture of anger, dislike and also a declarative emotion stating "NO you are not worth my integrity, dignity, phone call and attention, it's me now not you, I bowed down enough, it ain't happening anymore." That emotion I have not genuinely felt the way I am beginning to feel it now. Also, I'm kind of angry that I allowed myself to be brought so low and put myself in such a pathetic state by practically begging and calling you as many times as I did, which you enjoyed. Maybe part of my sadness and depression is not so much for you and more for me because with you I lost my self respect with every phone call. Wow.........I think I just discovered something through this journaling.

It has gotten better for sure, some days are really good and still there are others when I hate to say it, but I miss him. I miss the good times although they became less and less to almost none at all toward the end. But the good was good, just as the bad was bad. The good times included laughter, jokes, hugs, kissing, eating, sharing and caring. I would love that in my life again someday. The bad was pretty atrocious, name calling, walking on egg shells, disrespect, crying, screaming and so on. That I certainly do not want again. Who does? no one.

It finally does not feel right to contact him. It feels inappropriate. Because frankly it is. Because it is over. He is no longer a part of my life, he is someone I knew but whom I do not know anymore. I have nothing to do with him and he has nothing to do with me.

Yet, the sadness lingers every now and than. That's okay I need to feel my feeling as suggested. It is not going to suddenly dissipate into air. It's a process. Of course I'm going to get sad, but at least I am not getting crazy. This has been the first time with out contact with you since we broke up, strangely it feels official. As it should have been months ago.

Everything in it's time, my time, my pace, my healing. I'm making progress, it has been slow progress but nonetheless my progress.

Feel the feelings. I'm still in love with him. He was a big part of my life and can still smell him at times. But I'm no longer in love with the idea and fantasy of him. I can also still remember clearly the pain he caused me. I can do both, and as I continue to heal and move forward with my life, I anticipate remembering things less, because I will be creating new memories and healthy relationships with myself and others.

You were a huge loss for me. Whether good or bad, still a loss and I'm going to have moments of sadness and I may still shed some tears. But I welcome smiles, laughter and stay open to new, different and exciting. It's okay, be gentle with yourself, put one foot in front of the other and continue moving forward. You are amazing.

"“Listen. I know it’s hard to believe people when they sayI know how you feel.But I actually know how you fell. You see, I was seeing someone, back in London. We worked for the same newspaper, and then I found out that he was also seeing another girl, Sarah, from the circulation department on the nineteen floor. Turned out that he wasn’t in love with me like I thought.

What I am trying to say is I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places that you didn’t know you hadinside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new hair cuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of Chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends. You still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the heel for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door.

And after all that, however long all that may be, you’ll go somewhere new, and you’ll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again, and little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.”

Kate Winslet

From the movie "The Holiday"

Months after we broke up, I never imagined the pain of the loss to ever subside. I read numerous times that it takes time, that you must, will and do go on with your life and that one day you wake up and go about your day, and then you have a moment when you realize you haven't thought of your ex.

I couldn't wait for those moments, the pain from the break up was unbearable, I counted the days on the calendar in anticipation for the day, I begged others to help me, I prayed, slept in a fetal position with tears rolling down my eyes every night. I woke up with a void every morning, and although each foot weighed a ton, I just kept putting one foot in front of the other.

In the last few day's I've noticed that it is indeed the truth. That it does hurt a little less each day. You begin to feel a little more normal, hours go by and you realize that you haven't thought about your ex.

Looking at the spot where you use to park does not hurt the way it use to, I feel sad for a moment but I am now able to continue my day productively.

And you even begin to feel that as much as you begged, cried for his or her return, it now no longer feels natural to reconcile if the chance once more arose.

Little by little, and bit by bit they do become someone that you use to know.

Sometimes, I'm not so sure if the sadness I feel during moments that I think of you, are even related to you. I think the sadness that I am beginning to feel now in a weird way is sadness from not thinking of you as much, as well as not missing you that much anymore. Those were the only things that kept you in my life, thoughts of you.

It's funny, it's almost like, since I didn't have you, at least I had the memories and the thoughts. Now those are becoming extinct too. And as much as I am so relieved that the pain inside of of loosing you has lessen greatly, something about not thinking of you saddens me. I guess it's because, you are becoming the past, something that was but, will never be. I'm not sure.

I also read some where that, someday you will noticed how the whole day came and went and you did not even think of your ex and that one day, turns into 2 days, and so on and so on. I call that freedom. It's gonna happen......you know. (I say to myself) ((smiles)) just like hours go by and I have realized in the afternoon that I have not thought of you.

I no longer question it, I think I now find it interesting, this thing called relationships and how you can be so in tuned, in love, close, with someone and one day like magic they are no longer part of your life.

It wow's me still, how I can be brought to my knees on a bathroom floor crying hysterically and holding on to my stomach from the emotional pain and experience the stages of grief, not all linear, as "they say" but the healing comes, it does.

And also, as you've heard, it's different for everyone, no time line, no time frame, no specific dates or time, or order. It just begins to happen.

You learn to live/enjoy life again, take care of your responsibilities and move forward. You participate every day and put the foot work in.

And eventually the pain becomes less and less every day. I can't say exactly when 2 weeks, 2 months, 9 weeks, 10 months or one year. But it does happen. For me 8 months.

Love yourself, take care of your self and those around you, find the strength, push yourself, go through the sadness, shed the tears but believe that you will get through it it, it will pass and you will feel like you again, who knows maybe even better than before because, you now know better.