My baby's dad left me for someone else

I am a 30 year old single mother of a beautiful one year old girl. My ex and I were together for about 5 years before I got pregnant we've had a rocky relationship. My daughter was born last nobermber so she is now one and this entire year her dad and I have been going back and forth trying to work things out but living apart. He's lied multiple times and this whole year hasn't broken my heart countless times. In October he left me for another girl a month later regretted came back and I took him back because I felt he changed. It was stupid of me to do because Christmas Eve we decided to end things but he still decided to spend Xmas day with never and my family. The following day he goes back to that girl he left me for previously and told me he can be happy with her and will do what it takes to make it work. He said he felt he gave us an honest chance and can walk away saying that. I feel so heartbroken because I have been going back and forth with this man for years. I've always been the one who has gotten hurt and now he left me again for this girl. I just don't understand I know it's best for us not to be together because all he did was hurt me but I don't understand how life is fair and he gets to move on and be happy with someone else while I sit and cry over him. I truly feel karma does not exist. Besides that I feel heartbroken depressed all I do is think about him I even dream about him idiot know what to do to get over him. My friends and family are all tired of hearing about him because they've told me time and time again that he's goikg to continue hurting me. I feel this time he will never return and will live happily ever after with this girl. I feel jealous that he's happy and I'm not and I don't even know how to move on. I feel desperate and alone. Please help I feel lost and confused. I can't stop crying I feel like my life is over and I'm so angry that he's happy. Shouldn't I be the one happy and him be miserable because of all the hurt he's caused me throughout the years? Please help I just don't know how I'm going to get through this. This hurts more than eveyother time he's left me because he actually told me he would do whatever it takes to make it work with her something he never did with me. She's going to get the man I worked so hard on all these years.

Yes she is...and he'll do the exact same thing to her. Good riddance.

You have a chance now to get out of a bad relationship that was going nowhere. You have a chance to heal yourself, fix yourself and find happiness within yourself.

Your daughter now has a chance to grow up without seeing her parents fight, split and get back together constantly.

Time will help you. Just let it do its thing.

And yes your ex will be back...but hopefully you will have figured yourself out by then and not want the pain and drama that being with him involves.

She's going to get the man I worked so hard on all these years.

No she's not. What she's "going to get" is a man that cheated on his girlfriend, in order to be with her. If she considers that a prize, sooner or later she'll be in for a rude awakening. Keep in mind that history has a tendency to repeat itself.

Either way, even though at this time it's easier said than done, hold your head high and walk away with your self worth intact.

Thank you so much. It hurts so much and can't believe he could do something like this but you guys are right. I know I deserve better and although this hurts like hell now and it's hard to stop crying I know this is what's best for me and my daughter. I'm just so hurt now and don't know how much time it'll take for me to get over this but I know deserve I don't deserve this.

Women really have to stop being matryrs in relationships. This situation is a good lesson to STOP taking a man back who has left you.

You're right we are and I was. Ultimately I know it was my fault for everything because I let it happen. It's my fault for feeling this way as well because I took him back knowing damn well he woikdndo this again. - man will get away with what you let him get away with. I know I was dumb but I loved this man and unfortunately still do. However all I want to do is move on and find happiness within myself and hopefully eventually the right man wil cross my path.

I'm sorry OP. You're right, you don't deserve this.

Would it be possible for you to speak to a counselor? A neutral third-party can often provide coping strategies to deal with the split, and help you do some inner work to figure out why you kept going back for more. You might it helpful, even if just to unload your feelings on someone who doesn't have any personal connection to you or your ex.

Miss C I am actually looking into that however they charge obviously and it's not something I can afford at the moment I feel I have a pretty good idea as to why I keep or kept returning. Our history the hope he would change my love for him not realizing my self worth and financial security. But you are right maybe professional opinion would help me cope and try and pick up the pieces because at the moment I feel the pain will never end.

The pain is great because as you mention in your list, you used him as part of your sense of security. As you learn that you have can and will survive/overcome/excel on your own, the pain will fade. Over time you may feel fear, pride, and joy. And when you love again, you will not need him to make you feel secure. So if it ends, the pain will be different, not so destabilizing. And it will have more of a chance of working out, because he won't be carrying your weight and won't be carrying his.

You're right I will be stronger after all of this. I know I will be ok eventually I've gone through heartbreak time and time again with him and I have always been ok. As time goes on I know the pain will lessen. As far as us working out I don't believe that will ever happen nor do I want it to. He's hurt me too much too many times without caring. All I want to do is move on with my life. I want to be the best me and best mom I could be. I want to teach my daughter to be a strong independent woman. If I'm meant to be with someone then great and if I'm meant to be single then great as well. I cannot control or predict my future. I do hope that one day I meet the right man and get married but if it doesn't happen then I will be just as happy for myself and for my beautiful wondeffu daughter.

You need to see an attorney and make a custody agreement/arrangement. Also, you need to get it straight in your mind that if he spends a holiday with you, he is there for his child, not to get back with you. Yes, you CAN control your future as far as what you allow and what you don't. So stop getting back together with him. Don't have sex with him. You agree to and decide what intervals he sees or has your daughter at.

I notice you call him your "baby's dad" and not "my boyfriend/ex boyfriend", etc. A relationship needs to be nurtured and its not just about "well, we have a baby together so he can come and go when he pleases, as long as he is here sometimes".

Shouldn't I be the one happy and him be miserable because of all the hurt he's caused me throughout the years?

I suppose so, the problem is no one is making the rules and no one is enforcing them.

People shouldn't bring babies into high conflict relationships either because it's not fair to the baby and will almost certainly be the final nail in the coffin for the relationship due to the increased responsibility and stress involved with caring for a child but people do it anyway.

Yes you all are right I can control my future as far as letting him back into my life and I know I won't do that anymore. And I did nurture our relationship I did everything for this man and all he did was making me feel like nothing I ever did was good enough. As for spending holidays I guess you're right I shouldn't feel he's there to get back with me or shouldn't listen to things he says as for us me and him goes. I won't make that mistake again and as far as the way things are at this point we don't expect used to just not communicate whatsoever unless it has to do with our daughter. And yes I agree our relationship was rocky which is why I wasn't happy with the pregnancy I was afraid this would happen because he broke up with me so many times before. I was taking care of myself but I guess life happens and my daughter was meant to be here. I'm feeling better now than I was a few days ago. I know I will find peace and happiness soon. Yesterday he told me he would introduce our daughter to his new gf next month and asked if I wanted to meet her I have to say that hurt because him and I just ended things and now he's introducing our daughter to somebody else but I guess that's life. I just know I need to separate my life from his and keep it strictly about our daughter. I'm just trying to make it as easy as pissibkr for the both of us and try to hurt as least as possible. He's not a good man and wasn't a good man to me. The man I thought he was he's not and I have to accept that. It's no longer about me or him it's about our daughter.

I was taking care of myself but I guess life happens and my daughter was meant to be here. I'm feeling better now than I was a few days ago. I know I will find peace and happiness soon. Yesterday he told me he would introduce our daughter to his new gf next month and asked if I wanted to meet her I have to say that hurt because him and I just ended things and now he's introducing our daughter to somebody else but I guess that's life.

Noooo....

Introducing your daughter to his girlfriend is not "just life." You tell him you want to meet to talk about your daughter - without your daughter present and go to a neutral location - not your home. I guess if she's one, she isn't going to know any different that you are having that conversation in her presence, though, but make it at a neutral locale. Tell him that you have decided that neither of you will introduce your daughter to a new girlfriend or boyfriend until the relationship has some staying power - that your daughter will not be introduced to any other love interests unless the other party agrees with it or that he is engaged to someone. You will not have women (and men on your end) come in and out of your daughter's life.

I would also consult an attorney and draw up a custody agreement that you both will stick to.

I did speak to him about it I did express my concerns about or daughter meeting somebody else. He stated we both have different opinions on parenting and his plan isn't to introduce her to many differently girls. I personally feel he's gdojmgn it for the wrong reasons because h had stated his new gf felt shedidnt have a place in his life so maybe he feels like he needs to introduce our daughter to her for her to feel safe in the relationship. Granted he lied to her about him coming back to me and trying to work things out but that doesn't matter at this point. However I did express my concerns about that and he brushed them off. In the end I told him as long as our daughter is safe and happy that's all that matters. Unfortunately I cannot shield my daughter from who he brings her around when he has her. As long as she's his priority while he has her then I guess that's all that matters because I cannot stop him from who he takes her around. And as far as when he had her we agreed not to go through court and agreed he would have her every other weekend and if he wanted to see her in between he could. This is heartbreaking to say the least but I have no control over what he does.

I feel for you. It's sad. But I echo what abitbroken says , this is not 'that's life'. This is 'life' when it involves this guy and others like him. This is what life will be like with him sticking around. When you find a different partner eventually you will hopefully see that 'life' shouldn't be like this.

You seem to have your head straight now so good on you. Keep strong. Yes you will feel pain, anger, sadness and that is normal but make your decisions using logic and they will be the better decisions.

Charity I hope you're right. I am slowly coming to terms with the way he is thinking. My ex picked up our daughter yesterday abs we argued stated he's going though the motions and said he still thinks about me and the baby I told him I no longer cared and not to say things like that to me. I told him that he's confused and he needed to go find himself because one minute he said he thinks about his family and the next he wants to introduce our daughter to his new gf. I just don't want to get sucked in anymore. As hard as this is as much as I wish we were a family I know that's not a reality. I know that will never happen with him and all he does is play games. I truly do want to move on and make the best snart st choices for our daughter. I will not introduce our daughter to anyone rlunkess I feel the I am going to stay with that man "forever". Unambiguous suffering now I'm still hurting and I still don't understand why after everything it's me who's hurt and him who's happy. I know one day I will be happy and if I happen to meet a man I cannot only hope that he loves my daughter as much as I do otherwise that's not the man for me. It's too soon for ne to think about dating. I am currently focusing on myself and my daughter and trying to just pick up the pieces. I hope the pain all ends soon because although it has gotten a bit better easier at times it still feels unbearable. He's no type a bad person and is a good father to our daughter when he has her he jus made really bad choices in his life. I hate him not but I know I can't hold on to that hate forever otherwise it will prevents me from moving on. Ultimately I just want to be happy. Ive been thinking a lot about him and his gf and who knows maybe this is his soulmate his one person he's meant to be with and who am I to stop that.? If he finds happiness with her then it gives me hope that one day I'll meet a man who deserves to be with me. I guess I'm trying to be optimist. Although it is extremely difficult at times. I'm hurt angry and in pain but I know I'm the end I'll be better for it. Thanks for all the support and when I read everyone's post it trukybfoes make me feel a bit better. I would love to continue trading what everyone has to say because I know I'm not the first woman's going through this and know I won't be the last.

I did speak to him about it I did express my concerns about or daughter meeting somebody else. He stated we both have different opinions on parenting and his plan isn't to introduce her to many differently girls. I personally feel he's gdojmgn it for the wrong reasons because h had stated his new gf felt shedidnt have a place in his life so maybe he feels like he needs to introduce our daughter to her for her to feel safe in the relationship. Granted he lied to her about him coming back to me and trying to work things out but that doesn't matter at this point. However I did express my concerns about that and he brushed them off. In the end I told him as long as our daughter is safe and happy that's all that matters. Unfortunately I cannot shield my daughter from who he brings her around when he has her. As long as she's his priority while he has her then I guess that's all that matters because I cannot stop him from who he takes her around. And as far as when he had her we agreed not to go through court and agreed he would have her every other weekend and if he wanted to see her in between he could. This is heartbreaking to say the least but I have no control over what he does.

You have to agree on parenting - and this is why you need an attorney or a mediator. You need to set up a custody agreement in writing. That way there are parameters. There are things you don't have to agree on (you don't allow sweets, he gets her a cookie), but there are things that need to be set in stone (the child cannot be present when a bf/gf spends the night, that she will not be introduced to girlfriends or boyfriends, etc.), the child cannot be taken out of state, etc., does he get your daughter overnight on visits or not, etc.

It does not matter if you agreed not to go through court or not. The reason you agreed is because you figured you would get him back. At least go see an attorney. It might not get as far a court, but you may get a mediator to help you sign a formal agreement. Yes, You DO have control over what he does.

I guess I can consult an attorney and get some advice. I really don't know how things got this bad abd realkg thought we were on the same page when we ended things. It honestly came as a shock when he said he would introduce our daughter to someone else when we literally had ended things about two weeks ago now. I can only hope that he has strong feelings towards his new gf and sees himself with her for the long haul. It does hurt but it's not about me I truly want to make his abd mine relationship the easiest and least stressful as possible for our daughter. I don't have much money to consult an attorney and I'm sure if bring the subject up to him again he will think I'm jealous. I'm so sad things have gotten to this point. When we were trying to work things out we talked about this if things didn't work out and we both agreed not to introduce our daughter unless we felt he or she were the one. Maybe he feels like she's the one for him. I truly don't know what he's thinking about and maybe I should try to have another conversation with him but I feel everything is too fresh right now so we just argue. Today we spoke about child support because he stated he would give me 300 a month which I don't feel is fair. He makes about 8k a month sometimes more sometimes a little less but that's pretty consistent and he feels 300 is enough for food, clothes, shelter and transportation. I guess when everything is fresh it's hard to talk about anything because right now I don't feel he's thinking logically.

When you ask 'why does he get to be happy now and I am so sad' you need to think about what the correct response is in your situation. Your relationship is broken up, your child's father has left, the family has split....what would the normal reaction here be, to be sad or to be happy? The fact that he seems happy 2 weeks after all this, the fact he has a girlfriend already, the fact he wants to introduce child to the girlfriend!!! It speaks volumes about him. He may be a nice guy but he is not a family guy.

Charity you are absolutely right. He is not a family man and never was. Maybe he freaked out or he just figured he still wanted to be out there but whatever his reasons are for having done this I guess it's no longer my concern. I truly want to find happiness within myself and even though I have hate towards him at the moment I want him to find happiness as well so that our daughter can have two happy parents. She is my main concern now all I want is for her to be happy. I told him I trusted him as her father and trusted his judgement so whatever he does while our daughter is with him is on him. It does speak volumes about him. He is not who I thought he was and ultimately I didn't even know this man. I'm hurt but the pain has definitely gotten easier to deal with and to be quite honest it has been all of you guys giving me advice. It makes me feel as though I'm not alone. I hope things get easier between him and I as time goes on because right now we're having a hard time communicating without arguing so we keep the communication at a minimum. I'm still so sad and still can't believe this has happened I truly believed this would be the man I would marry but I guess life changes and you have to roll with the punches.

I guess I can consult an attorney and get some advice. I really don't know how things got this bad abd realkg thought we were on the same page when we ended things. It honestly came as a shock when he said he would introduce our daughter to someone else when we literally had ended things about two weeks ago now. I can only hope that he has strong feelings towards his new gf and sees himself with her for the long haul. It does hurt but it's not about me I truly want to make his abd mine relationship the easiest and least stressful as possible for our daughter. I don't have much money to consult an attorney and I'm sure if bring the subject up to him again he will think I'm jealous. I'm so sad things have gotten to this point. When we were trying to work things out we talked about this if things didn't work out and we both agreed not to introduce our daughter unless we felt he or she were the one. Maybe he feels like she's the one for him. I truly don't know what he's thinking about and maybe I should try to have another conversation with him but I feel everything is too fresh right now so we just argue. Today we spoke about child support because he stated he would give me 300 a month which I don't feel is fair. He makes about 8k a month sometimes more sometimes a little less but that's pretty consistent and he feels 300 is enough for food, clothes, shelter and transportation. I guess when everything is fresh it's hard to talk about anything because right now I don't feel he's thinking logically.

Consult Legal Aid. They could refer you where to go. There are attorneys who also won't charge you until they win. You need to go and get a reasonable amount of money to help support your child - she needs more than food - she needs medical care - to be mandated to be on his health insurance by the court. $300 does not cover half of the child's food, clothing they need as they grow, out of pocket medical care, and something to help cover a small share of housing you in a place that is best for her - not a palace, but an apartment or condo/house that has a bedroom of her own for her and for you. you may work, but you have to make choices and sacrifices to be near childcare, etc, since its not like he takes days off of work so you can go to work. The court will make sure your daughter gets an amount that won't put him on the streets but can modestly help support her expenses.

If you don't get at least a family advocate or mediator, you will get $300 a month WHEn he feels like it. You don't want to be stuck begging him for money or asking him to buy things for her. You want your relationship with him to not be like that. You should just communicate in regards to handing off your daughter for his turn to have her, etc, and just get a check in the mail so he can't hold it above your head. $800-1200 is nothing for someone making $8 a month to give for his daughter's care. Don't fall for the $300 crap. And based on his income, they may require him to open a trust for her college education or if she has special needs for extra education.

Unfortunately I do agree, He is already shocking you with his actions since the break up. Those shocks and disappointments will come throughout you're parental relationship, it's just what tends to happen. That's when the problems with maintenance arises. If its not set in stone, he may start to have other priorities and start paying less, not on time etc etc. Its probably berst to get all this awkward icky legalities out of the way now when things are bad anyway. He'll be mad but if he is a good man as you say, he will see in time that it is in the best interest of the child.

Thank you for the advice and the not I think about it the more I feel that that is what's best. I guess I hate for him to think that all I want is his money but it no longer matters what he thinks of me it's about our daughter and like you said what's in the best interest of her. I hate that our relationship has come to this and honestly never imagined this at all. It makes me so sad that after years of us trying to work things out he let go of that as soon as our daughter and along and I just recently found out he's playing house with our daughter and his new gf. I'm hurt I'm heartbroken I'm having such a hard time. Some days are better than others but the bad days are terrible. I really don't know how all this happened he now says he's in love with his new gf which I'm quite sure he's been dating her on and off for a while now. It hurts to know he chose another woman over me someone who has been his support system throughout all of his business ventures I was his rock. I still think and wonder how he could've done this to me to us to our family. The more I talk to him the more it feels like we are just so over forever. And yes I no longer want to be with him but I guess part of me wanted him to regret what he's done. But now that he's happy playing house with his new gf and our daughter I don't see him ever feeling regret. Especially seeing as how he thinks he tried his best to make it work. I guess going the legal route is the best way so that I don't get screwed in the end because right now I kind of feel as though I am. I hope to find peace soon with all of this because right now I'm struggling to accept that he is happy and in love with somebody new and I am grieving.