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I hate PTSD


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Today we took our son to a major city to purchase the cards he likes from a particular store. Unfortunately, for me I suffered from such anxiety and RAGE while I am there I can't take it. People are running and darting in front of you behind you , pushing.... your typical big city. The food court in the major mall set my nerves on fire.

 

I got to the point if anyone went near me I wanted to sucker punch them in the face. **** Disclaimer** I have never done so and nor would I .

 

The whole experience just left me in tears and curled up in my vehicle by the end.

 

A Pox on those who did this to me. I just want to enjoy things with my family.

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hugs vic. it really sucks. i used to have supermarket murderous rage all the time. honestly wanted to strangle the zucchini, snap all the carrots in half and throw pumpkins at misbehaved children. i linked it to sensory overload- the lights, music, chatter, crowds, people blocking up aisles with their 7 obese relatives, the movement...my system went into overdrive. i still keep shopping short, i just go through my list picking stuff of shelves, rarely linger to look at stuff that isn't on my list to shorten exposure time. i've used headphones to block out as much as possible a lot.

 

my christmas shopping was several short trips this year, thankfully i knew what i was getting for whom so it wasn't hectic and didn't take long.

 

with a child, sometimes you can't avoid these crowds.

 

it helps me to go to sleep immediately after. in fact, i can't resist doing so. it's like the senses are so overtaxed they shut down. i'm usually a lot better after a nap.

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That is it, totally overwhelmed. Beyond bearing. And then you get in a murderous rage as you say. Head phones might help some. I am still overwhelmed and shaking and it takes 2 hours to get home. We are home now.

 

My son understands in a way. He is autistic. My husband has no clue what I mean.

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our nerves seem to interpret a lot things as attack, even if we don't. annyoing music too loud? attack. they're out of the only cereal i ever buy? attack. people looking at me like i'm a spaceship as i stand there to see if any of them intend to move to the side so i can pass? attack. stupid lights? attack. parking lot the size of russia and can't find the car? attack. tired? attack. standing too close to me? outrageous attack.

 

i never externally fought back the actual attacks. i have wondered if that isn't why in these situations i mentally rip people and things apart and beotchslap them with their freshly picked limbs tarantino style in my imagination, fighting them "back", "this time around".

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our nerves seem to interpret a lot things as attack, even if we don't. annyoing music too loud? attack. they're out of the only cereal i ever buy? attack. people looking at me like i'm a spaceship as i stand there to see if any of them intend to move to the side so i can pass? attack. stupid lights? attack. parking lot the size of russia and can't find the car? attack. tired? attack. standing too close to me? outrageous attack.

 

i never externally fought back the actual attacks. i have wondered if that isn't why in these situations i mentally rip people and things apart and beotchslap them with their freshly picked limbs tarantino style in my imagination, fighting them "back", "this time around".

 

Omg someone who " gets me". Sniffle .

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Hugs, vic. I totally understand. I would get that way when I lived in Hollywood. I still remember trying to get through Hollywood during the Christmas parade and trying not to freak out. The rage, yes I remember that well. It's one of the reasons I probably sought out a remote part of the U.S. to live in, but I just avoid crowds whenever it's possible.

 

So sorry you had to go through that. A hot bath and some tea and some space and you'll be able to breathe again. I agree, PTSD just sucks no matter what.

 

Do something nice for yourself tonight, you got through it, now time to enjoy the holidays with your family. Big hug. Paris

 

P.S. Rainy nailed it. I agree, it's like when you go into sensory overload the body goes into fight or flight mode. For me that's always been fight, so it can be really hard to remain composed.

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Thank you Paris. I can totally understand you wanting to live in the middle of nowhere . I would absolutely love to do that but my husband and son think I am crazy . I put myself in my safe place every night before go to sleep . My safe place is a tiny house or a small cabin with a safe warm fire . And my little Home is surrounded by nine rows of barbed wire. And only I can figure out how to get out and in .

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Basically it is a desperate urge to get away from people or get them away from you . I also get extremely agitated when I'm outside of where I'm comfortable .

 

Same.... dealing with Ptsd.

 

Last few yrs have been extreme.. as I hit my bottom.

 

Daily struggles.. to get up.. get going and keep going. Some days and some moments are ridiculous... overwhelming, etc.

 

Like I told my mom not too long ago-- just want my world to slow down!

 

Deep breathes.. its okay.. you're back home

 

I hafta take my boys to see their brother about 40 mins from here, in a cpl days.. oh yay

 

But.. I can do this.. I can do this.. (mentally preparing)..... work on that anxiety.

 

I recently started using essential oils... i order from Duterra or get at health food store.

 

Might be an idea to look into these too? Also could be good for anyone there, dealing with 'stress'-- overwhelmed easily, etc.

 

Lavender is a big hit with that.. in calming, as is orange.. there's all kinds.

 

Something to think on.. if you haven't already.

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I'm allergic to lavender so that's absolutely out. But orange sounds nice .

 

I know all kinds of techniques to help with anxiety I guess the rough part is knowing I will have this the rest of my life . I have had it for 37 of my 50 years already . The stress of holidays and all that makes it 100 times worse .

 

Good luck in dropping off your boys.

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Last time it came out full force from me was at a wedding reception. A couple Air Force guys at the table were talking about their leisurely experience while deployed and their hawkish politics. Not to make the thread political, but I'm very, very anti-war due to my experiences as an infantryman. Didn't help I'd had a few to drink. Bottled up a whole lot and my girlfriend is a ****ing saint for dealing with the explosion I had when we got back to the room.

 

4th of July and New Years are tough, too. Again, thankful for an awesome girlfriend who's OK with the fact there will never be romantic kisses under the fireworks.

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I am still in a lot of anxiety this morning. As you say Jman a lot of it comes from really holding back. I used to live in a moderate city so you never had that kind of pushing and shoving and people darting in your way . Now I live in a really small town due to my husband being posted here . Nobody is ever in your way and nobody ever really gets close to you which is just fine with me . I know most of the merchants downtown which is like what 20 people. I know most of the people in town either they know my husband or they have been a client of mine . ( I have looked after their children ) So there is a lot of physical safety here . I have my cats which I can pat at anytime . Cats are pretty calming. The only time I migght have minor occurrence here is maybe grocery shopping when the government cheques and paycheques come out. Large crowds make me feel very unsafe .

 

I can see your point of it too. It must be horrible.

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People get CRAZY during the holidays. Just before New Years somebody was riding up my behind when driving. So I slowed down. They start honking and flashing their lights. Then they try to swerve around me on a double yellow with a blind curve ahead! So I cut to the left to block them. They speed up and just barely make it past me on my left. It's an old lady in her 60s or 70s!

 

Gotta get to that post office 1 minute sooner I guess.

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