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Thread: Is this normal? If not, is there anything I can do about it?

  1. #1
    Platinum Member Applewhite's Avatar
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    Is this normal? If not, is there anything I can do about it?

    I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months now (me 32, him 38 ). The relationship is getting serious and we talk about a future together etc. We mostly get along and if there are bumps we are able to talk, resolve them, get stronger and move on.

    I'd like to know if the way I feel about something is the way most people would feel or if it is an insecurity in me that I should deal with.

    The time we spend together without interruptions is very special to me. During this time I'd like to talk, touch, laugh, interact, do something together, have sex etc. While we do sometimes do these things I feel like most of our time together is "tainted" with him watching TV (often something I am not even interested in. I don't like TV much anyway), paying a game on his phone or xbox etc.

    For example last night he was going to stay over - he brought his toy drone with him. Played with that, watched TV - I sat there "watching" then just turned around and slept at one point. After I sleep he initiated sex. Then I went to bed around midnight. He came to bed almost 2 hours later, and again initiated sex after I'd left his side alone for a couple of hours.

    He is a romantic, dedicated guy that seems to value our relationship and my happiness. However I feel like I do not get enough attention during our time together but can't decide if it's just me or if this would seem odd to you guys too.

    If his behaviour is indeed the norm, I don't know what I should do during the time we set aside to spend together and he watches TV, plays on his phone, with his drone etc. Should I be playing a game on my own too? Read a book, etc? Then how is this our time?

    In case it is relevant, there was one time I suggested we leave the TV off when he comes here and that was something that totally changed his mood for the worse to the point he ended up leaving! Also before him I didn't even have a TV subscription, I basically got it for him.

    As a final note this is not a general relationship issue but more contained in relation to spending free time together. He is very attentive from a general perspective. He will do very nice things for me like help me with chores if I am overwhelmed, take me out, assemble furniture for me, help me with anything if I need him emotionally or otherwise. The usual attentive boyfriend stuff. I trust him and have no doubts about his attraction, interest, commitment to me.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    I dated a guy for 2 years who was just like this. It doesn't get better. He will continue to pick Xbox or tv or the drone over you.

    One time, I was in Italy with my ex. Amazing right? He lamented that his Xbox wasn't there.

    Now imagine that if you have kids - how would that play out?

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    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I'm rather confused by your post. You say that he is attentive and romantic, helps you with things, does things, etc. Then you say that he just comes over, watches tv, ignores you, wakes you up to have sex and then leaves. That doesn't sound like attentive or romantic at all. So which is it? Also, how often do you see each other?

    I mean if you see each other 5 days a week, then it's normal for you two to actually engage in other things - tv, games, etc. There is only so much undivided attention you can give to each other.

    It's hard to tell from your post what is actually going on.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. 5 mos of dating is a bit too soon to talk about the future, etc. It seems there is too much time spent together that is random and pointless. Don't just invite him over to hang out for Netflix and chill and playing with toys, etc.

    Go out on dates, plan them. Create an decent atmosphere if you invite him over...cooking together, eating, music, etc.. Stop baby sitting. Sadly after only 5 mos, what you see is what you get and that is poor planning, too much mindless hanging out, inconsiderateness and disrespect for your time, feelings and need for affection and decent adult company.

    However, you've allowed this pattern to creep in by tolerating it and not countering it with well made plans for quality time. Strive for quality not quantity when it comes to time together. It seems he's gotten lazy and very complacent. But that's what 5 mos of dating is for to determine if what you see is what you want. Does he live at home? He acts like a teen, no?

    Keeping silent and building resentment at this rudeness will implode eventually unless you take action, start planning things and stop the hang outs and tolerate his staying over playing with toys all night while you go to bed without meaningful interaction or sex.
    Originally Posted by Applewhite
    5 months now me 32, him 38
    For example last night he was going to stay over - he brought his toy drone with him. Played with that, watched TV - I sat there "watching" then just turned around and slept at one point. After I sleep he initiated sex. Then I went to bed around midnight. He came to bed almost 2 hours later, and again initiated sex after I'd left his side alone for a couple of hours.

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    Platinum Member Applewhite's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    I'm rather confused by your post. You say that he is attentive and romantic, helps you with things, does things, etc. Then you say that he just comes over, watches tv, ignores you, wakes you up to have sex and then leaves. That doesn't sound like attentive or romantic at all. So which is it? Also, how often do you see each other?

    I mean if you see each other 5 days a week, then it's normal for you two to actually engage in other things - tv, games, etc. There is only so much undivided attention you can give to each other.

    It's hard to tell from your post what is actually going on.
    Well he does both they don't contradict each other. Sometimes he is attentive and if I need something very helpful and offers it without me asking. But most of our free time together he is watching something I don't care to watch or even worse playing games on his phone. Yesterday was particularly annoying as he brought his drone with him to play at my place. I had nothing to do but rollover and sleep on the couch. He even made a comment like he thought about bringing his xbox. Really?

    Should I just cancel my TV service? I didn't really have TV before him, and now having it I am less happy it seems.

    P.S. we did have sex twice after he initiated so there's that. But I feel like to get his attention I have to sleep and ignore him. Another time I got his attention that night is when I decided if he is doing what he is doing I'd play a game on my computer.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Without qualifying it with "right" or "wrong," as it relates to me would heavily depend on how often you two are seeing each other and what kinds of stretches of time we're talking about.

    If he's coming by once a week, every Friday at dinner time, eating, watching a movie, having sex, and then sleeping, then yeah, that's kinda ****. Then again, I also see that he brought his toy drone. He played his phone game. That means he's coming to your home but providing his own entertainment. What could you provide either inside your home or in your neighborhood for interactive entertainment?

    Or are you two maybe spending a little too much time together? Not so much "too much" in the sense of getting tired of one another, but rather that you're simply not going to be able to fill it all with whimsical conversation.

    Do you two still go on actual dates?

    Also, he may just genuinely be the type who keeps himself entertained. Knows what he wants to do and pleases himself, even if in ways you consider boring. That's a compatibility thing more than right vs. wrong, normal vs. not normal, you being secure or insecure.

    I think the bottom line is that, in lieu of some other external stimulus or motivation, the guy's frankly pretty boring. Not meant as a knock at all as I've been known for my boring streaks as well. But as you transition out of the novel dating phase and into how well you two simply coexist, this isn't an aspect of him that will go away. And just as I don't think you're being insecure by being put off by it, it's not necessarily wrong that he's more of a no-frills homebody.

    Take it all with a grain of salt as I don't have much context beyond this issue itself, but you're now coming on the time a lot of short-term dating stints end. Honeymoon's over and you gotta see how you two match up when the voltage goes down.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Applewhite's Avatar
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    Should I suggest that we at least find one show that we both really enjoy watching so during our "TV time" together, at least some of the time I feel we are doing something together?

    Is that a good idea?

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    No. Go Out On Dates. Stop all the boring hangouts.
    Originally Posted by Applewhite
    Should I suggest that we at least find one show that we both really enjoy watching so during our "TV time" together, at least some of the time I feel we are doing something together? Is that a good idea?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Applewhite's Avatar
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    Sometimes we go to dinner - but other than that he doesn't like social activities with a lot of people so I am not sure what other 2 person activities we can do. He will compromise and sometimes go to things I like to do once every couple of weeks. He always prefers to be at home given the option.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    No. Go Out On Dates. Stop all the boring hangouts.
    Half agree. If you're not going on any actual dates still, don't try to substitute it with netflix.

    At the same time, when you two are winding down and watching TV, definitely do suggest finding something. Better yet... it's your house. You hold the remote and scroll through shows yourself and stop when something might interest you and see if he feels the same. Just don't choose something goofy like "10 Things I Hate About You" or "Sex and the City." Are you just sitting there quietly and letting him load up his show? That seems awkward.

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