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Thread: Is this normal? If not, is there anything I can do about it?

  1. #201
    Platinum Member Applewhite's Avatar
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    He asked me to change - I wear a necklace he gave me when previously I wore no jewelry at all. Will I subtly change and resent him for it? I do not think so.

  2. #202
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    Originally Posted by Applewhite
    Is watching Show A instead of Show B on Tv really changing? When we include someone in our lives all of us change a little bit, no? We sleep on the left side of the bed instead of the middle, we put the dishes away more quickly than we would, we try to keep our farts in the bathroom.

    I get you can't change major things about yourself like becoming an extrovert instead of introvert, not smoking if you smoke, but watching show A instead of show B is trivial. If we make NO changes we would all be single.
    The issue isn't what you watch, or what jewellry you where. The issue is something important like him being attentive to you, and you feeling left out. That is a major change. You're confusing making some minor accommodations with change.

    If you feel he has made real change, and those changes are going to be permanent, and he's now attentive, then by all means, ignore what I have posted. I have no horse in the race, and hope things work out.

  3. #203
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Applewhite
    Sorry I didn't mean to ignore you. I only just saw this post for some reason.

    Have I told him how often I'd like to have sex? No. I'm pretty certain that my sex drive is higher than him (or anyone for that matter). I feel kind of insecure about that so it's not something I feel comfortable bring up - but even if I did I don't know how there could be a resolution to this. It will just sound like I am complaining.

    Does he like when I initiate? I don't know. There has been at least one time where I hinted and was turned down so if I initiate, it's rare and subtle. I am in my early 30's. Maybe my hormones will calm down...

    I hate sports. There cannot be a compromise on this beyond he gets to watch Football during Football season- with or without me there.

    Of the things to do at home - we do most of them (maybe not the sex boardgames one! What did you have in mind exactly?)

    So far he has been very accommodating and responsive to my request. I think things have improved drastically.

    One thing we do now is get a bit high and make a game out of asking each other pretty intense questions - but in a fun and challenging way. We are playing that tonight! So I can ask if he likes when I initiate sex I guess

    So what have I done to deserve your marriage proposal?
    No worries you cannot hurt my feelings no matter what you do.

    So you really don't talk about sex. How come? The best way to fix something is to understand it and if you don't discuss it then you will be just guessing. How about you sit down when you both have your clothes on just hanging out and bring up the subject. You might surprised what you learn and I am sure he will be happy to learn you have a high sex drive.

    Google bedroom "board games" there are some fun ones out there.

    The proposal was me trying to be funny. You are to young for me but it is nice you are willing to be understanding and see his side of things plus the high sex drive

    I will say this again. This is totally fixable but you have to be brave and talk about these things with him. If you think about it what is there to loose? You care for him deeply so it is definitely worth a try before you end the relationship. This is all very new still so you are both still getting to know each other.

    Lost

  4. #204
    Platinum Member notalady's Avatar
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    Is this normal? If not, is there anything I can do about it?

    I won't say you're incompatible, but I also wouldn't say he's attentive. He's far from it.

    I think his idea of a relationship and his role in a relationship appears more functional, ie for sex and companionship (when he feels like it or needs it) and in return he fixed your stuff and do chores for you (and I'm guessing in future after marriage, be the breadwinner), but when it comes to spending quality time together, building and maintaining a connection, that seems to be low priority compared to spending alone time on his own hobbies.

    Is this behaviour "the norm"? Well, no I don't think so. I certainly knew people who are like that, but definitely not a majority. Most couples I know (that are not living together), myself included, do focus on spending quality time together when they're together, rather than doing things they like by themselves.

    So it's really ultimately up to you whether you find this level of engagement acceptable and whether his idea of how the relationship should work is compatible with yours. Because he might put in more effort now if you ask him, but if this is how he feels that a relationship should work over the long term, his behaviour will revert to that (think along the lines of him playing his own games and watching his own tv that you're not interested in for majority of the time if you progress to living together or marriage).

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  6. #205
    Platinum Member Applewhite's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt

    I will say this again. This is totally fixable but you have to be brave and talk about these things with him. If you think about it what is there to loose? You care for him deeply so it is definitely worth a try before you end the relationship. This is all very new still so you are both still getting to know each other.

    Lost
    Oh I am nowhere near ending things! Especially about sex. I just can't bring myself to directly talk about that particular subject. He does know I won't turn down sex (this much was discussed), so a high sex drive is kinda implied there isn't it...?

  7. #206
    Platinum Member Applewhite's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by notalady
    I won't say you're incompatible, but I also wouldn't say he's attentive. He's far from it.

    I think his idea of a relationship and his role in a relationship appears more functional, ie for sex and companionship (when he feels like it or needs it) and in return he fixed your stuff and do chores for you (and I'm guessing in future after marriage, be the breadwinner), but when it comes to spending quality time together, building and maintaining a connection, that seems to be low priority compared to spending alone time on his own hobbies.

    Is this behaviour "the norm"? Well, no I don't think so. I certainly knew people who are like that, but definitely not a majority. Most couples I know (that are not living together), myself included, do focus on spending quality time together when they're together, rather than doing things they like by themselves.

    So it's really ultimately up to you whether you find this level of engagement acceptable and whether his idea of how the relationship should work is compatible with yours. Because he might put in more effort now if you ask him, but if this is how he feels that a relationship should work over the long term, his behaviour will revert to that (think along the lines of him playing his own games and watching his own tv that you're not interested in for majority of the time if you progress to living together or marriage).
    Maybe I am wrong but I think if we were married/lived together this issue would be less of an issue for me. Reason being we would have a high level of exposure to each other, going to bed together etc. I have my own inside and outside hobbies that I do not need constant attention.

    And while I understand you have to go by the information on my post, looking at the complete picture I have to say he isn't inattentive. I even said this is not a general issue but isolated to a specific context. I think being attentive is also about being there when your partner needs you or in general knowing your partner cares for you etc. There are a lot of examples of good things in support of him being attentive. There's just no point in going into detail about that stuff since that isn't the "problem".

    He has been much more considerate of what he does when we are indoors now. Plays much less on his phone, is more aware of what to put on TV.

    Overall we both regularly have moments of realizing and sharing with the other that we are in love and so very happy.

  8. #207
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Applewhite
    Oh I am nowhere near ending things! Especially about sex. I just can't bring myself to directly talk about that particular subject. He does know I won't turn down sex (this much was discussed), so a high sex drive is kinda implied there isn't it...?
    I wouldn't say he understands you have a high sex drive, he may just think you really want him all the time but may not understand just how much you would like to be intimate.
    It has been said here many times. "You will allow your bf/gf to do the most intimate things to you but you find it impossible to talk about them" Get up the courage to talk to him about your sex life. If he is smart he will want give you as much pleasure as he possibly can but he is not a mind reader.

    Lost

  9. #208
    Platinum Member Applewhite's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    I wouldn't say he understands you have a high sex drive, he may just think you really want him all the time but may not understand just how much you would like to be intimate.
    It has been said here many times. "You will allow your bf/gf to do the most intimate things to you but you find it impossible to talk about them" Get up the courage to talk to him about your sex life. If he is smart he will want give you as much pleasure as he possibly can but he is not a mind reader.

    Lost
    The one thing I definitely think is amazing about him is that if I ask for something simple he really does go-to great lengths to accommodate me (though it wasn't always like this but now is).

  10. #209
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    Originally Posted by Applewhite
    The one thing I definitely think is amazing about him is that if I ask for something simple he really does go-to great lengths to accommodate me (though it wasn't always like this but now is).
    That's a nice quality

  11. #210
    Platinum Member Applewhite's Avatar
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    Also yesterday he did some little things around my apartment to tidy up (I didn't ask, I never do).

    I've been working some 12 hour days and he has some time on his hands so it was much appreciated.

    Then I drove over to him to sleep. He tried to initiate sex but I am still not over what happened so we just hugged and slept.

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