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Thread: Is this normal? If not, is there anything I can do about it?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Are you both very broke? What about daytime on weekends? Plenty of free and interesting things to do. Do you have a thing for peter pan type men?

    It sounds like you allow and encourage him to come over for booty call and ignoring you, why? Was your last situation months of booty call and ignoring you? Why are you doing this?
    Originally Posted by Applewhite
    Sometimes we go to dinner - but other than that he doesn't like social activities with a lot of people so I am not sure what other 2 person activities we can do. He will compromise and sometimes go to things I like to do once every couple of weeks. He always prefers to be at home given the option.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    In most relationships, you do need to find things to do that you both like and can have in common, at the same time, there will be a balance of doing your own thing and giving each other space to do so even when you are together. It's a balancing act.

    Of course you should try to find some shows, movies, etc that you are both into. That seems like a no brainer. Maybe find some games you both like to play too. He sounds a bit like the kind of a person who is always on and needs to be occupied with something at all times or else he gets bored and irritable. It's not wrong or right, it's just who he is.
    I kind of think it's a bit odd that your only option in your own house is to go sleep when bf isn't entertaining you or paying attention to you. Sounds like maybe you need to have more things to do yourself for yourself??? You can't really lean on your bf and your relationship to be your sole source of entertainment. Like if you prefer to read a book and he is dying to watch something you don't care for, you should both be able to accommodate that by giving each other room to do what you each like. He watches the show and you read the book and once the show is over, you both choose to do something with each other - talk, sex, cuddle, cook dinner, head out somewhere, etc., etc, etc. Goes back to that balancing act of time together/time for yourself.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Applewhite's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    In most relationships, you do need to find things to do that you both like and can have in common, at the same time, there will be a balance of doing your own thing and giving each other space to do so even when you are together. It's a balancing act.

    Of course you should try to find some shows, movies, etc that you are both into. That seems like a no brainer. Maybe find some games you both like to play too. He sounds a bit like the kind of a person who is always on and needs to be occupied with something at all times or else he gets bored and irritable. It's not wrong or right, it's just who he is.
    I kind of think it's a bit odd that your only option in your own house is to go sleep when bf isn't entertaining you or paying attention to you. Sounds like maybe you need to have more things to do yourself for yourself??? You can't really lean on your bf and your relationship to be your sole source of entertainment. Like if you prefer to read a book and he is dying to watch something you don't care for, you should both be able to accommodate that by giving each other room to do what you each like. He watches the show and you read the book and once the show is over, you both choose to do something with each other - talk, sex, cuddle, cook dinner, head out somewhere, etc., etc, etc. Goes back to that balancing act of time together/time for yourself.
    It's not that I don't have my own hobbies or interests, I can easily entertain myself when I am alone. But when we are spending time together I'd rather do something *together*. I guess me going to sleep or whatever is mainly because I am bored by what he chooses to do and a bit annoyed that he isn't spending that time with me.

    Does that make sense?

    I guess so far one thing I need to do is that we find some show we both watch for the time we do spend together and he wants to watch TV. If that's not possible I'd rather just cancel the TV all together.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    My bf and I rarely like to watch the same stuff. What happens is we will snuggle in bed while he flips through channels and movies and I'll either be reading something or surfing the news. Sometimes he'll start watching something that interests me, sometimes I'll be reading something that catches his eye, so we'll end up watching it or reading it together, then talking about it, etc. So it's a friendly compromise that is mutually satisfactory and neither one feels ignored or isolated or bored.

    A difference in what you like or what you find entertaining doesn't need to become an adversarial right or wrong stand off.

    Also, define better what "together" is. If there is something specific that you want to do with him, then learn to speak up AND lead the way. He can't read your mind and your definition of together time is going to be different from the person next to you. As far as he is concerned, he is spending time at yours, so you are together. What more could you want? So if you want to talk about something, just do it. Otherwise, yes he will watch tv because what else? He doesn't know what you want from him.

    Saying that you'll cancel tv if you can't find something you both like.....sounds rather vindictive along the lines of entertain me or else.......

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Applewhite's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    My bf and I rarely like to watch the same stuff. What happens is we will snuggle in bed while he flips through channels and movies and I'll either be reading something or surfing the news. Sometimes he'll start watching something that interests me, sometimes I'll be reading something that catches his eye, so we'll end up watching it or reading it together, then talking about it, etc. So it's a friendly compromise that is mutually satisfactory and neither one feels ignored or isolated or bored.

    A difference in what you like or what you find entertaining doesn't need to become an adversarial right or wrong stand off.

    Also, define better what "together" is. If there is something specific that you want to do with him, then learn to speak up AND lead the way. He can't read your mind and your definition of together time is going to be different from the person next to you. As far as he is concerned, he is spending time at yours, so you are together. What more could you want? So if you want to talk about something, just do it. Otherwise, yes he will watch tv because what else? He doesn't know what you want from him.

    Saying that you'll cancel tv if you can't find something you both like.....sounds rather vindictive along the lines of entertain me or else.......
    Couple of things:

    1) We don't live together so is it unreasonable for me to request the 1 night a week he stays over to do some activity together instead of him entertaining himself with things only he is interested in?

    2) I did not have a TV subscription before him. I only got it and pay $100/month for it because he likes TV a lot. But considering I have been unhappy with having it, is it really fair for me to pay $100 for something that makes me unhappy? Is that really vindictive now that you see the context?

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why bother requesting something that other people would do naturally ? He seems utterly bored or disrespectful. Why are you doing all this to enable his ignoring you and treating this and playtime and booty call?

    Have you considered that at 5 mos in you may need to cut your losses if this rude behavior is as good as it gets? No he doesn't pay for your tv. You ordered it, you pay. The martyr attitude with this isn't helping, is it?

    End it, say something, do something. But facilitating things so he can ignore you but then resenting it and complaining makes no sense.
    Originally Posted by Applewhite
    request the 1 night a week he stays over to do some activity together instead of him entertaining himself with things only he is interested in? I did not have a TV subscription before him. I only got it and pay $100/month for it because he likes TV a lot. B

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Applewhite's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Why bother requesting something that other people would do naturally ? He seems utterly bored or disrespectful. Why are you doing all this to enable his ignoring you and treating this and playtime and booty call?

    Have you considered that at 5 mos in you may need to cut your losses if this rude behavior is as good as it gets? No he doesn't pay for your tv. You ordered it, you pay. The martyr attitude with this isn't helping, is it?

    End it, say something, do something. But facilitating things so he can ignore you but then resenting it and complaining makes no sense.
    I don't see how this post is helpful. I never claimed I feel like a booty call nor do I think that is what I am to him. So I don't see the point of this comment.

    Obviously I am ready to do something about it so "do something" also not so helpful. I'm trying to get advice you seem to want to trash me without offering any.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Absolutely. The advice is after 5 mos you are unhappy and so you have options about what to do. Plan something. Talk to him hoping for change or realizing what you are seeing is incompatibility and unhappiness and it's a perfect time after only 5 mos to cut your losses.
    Originally Posted by Applewhite
    I am ready to do something about it

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Applewhite's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Absolutely. The advice is after 5 mos you are unhappy and so you have options about what to do. Plan something. Talk to him hoping for change or realizing what you are seeing is incompatibility and unhappiness and it's a perfect time after only 5 mos to cut your losses.
    Ok I will do something. Thanks for the advice.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Before sitting down and having a chat about it, I'd suggest simply draw up a plan of **** to do. Even before Friday comes. "Hey, let's do [x] and [x] this Friday night." It'd be one thing if he were inviting you over to his place and then leaving you to fend for yourself as he plays Mobile Strike on his phone. But if you're being silent and complaisant in your own home, there's nothing for him to assume other than you're fine with it as it is. Take charge and keep it fun.

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