Kids or no kids

My boyfriend does not want kids. He's very adamant about that. When talking to other friends of mine and his, none of them want kids either. I knew I wanted them, then changed my mind, and now I think sometimes I do. I'm now 34. I was wondering what is everyone's thoughts about having kids nowadays and if you decided to not have kids, what are your reasons? Has anyone here regretted not having kids?

I think a person should become a parent only if he/she is 100% enthusiastic about having a child and being a parent. Ambivalence is not fair to the child. Your boyfriend is being honest with you and since you are 34 I would decide sooner or later whether you want to be a parent and have a child and if so, I personally would find someone who wants to get married and have a family sooner than later. I had my only child at 42 and I am supremely blessed and lucky, as is my husband, but it would have been a lot less stressful and a lot more practical to have a child earlier in life (including because then we would have had grandparents who could help out and believe me, sometimes it takes a village).

I do know women who wanted kids but did not have them who really regret it (did not meet the right guy in time).

To me there's very little to do with "nowadays" -each time in history has had it's upsides and downsides to bringing a child into the world. It's far more about you as an individual and your partner as an individual and what you two want and believe you can provide to a child.

Here are some upsides of "nowadays" - far easier IMO to keep children, especially young children, safe and healthy because of technology, improved medical care, etc. I did not have a cell phone until I was pregnant (yes, not until 2009) and now knowing that I can be reached at almost any time if there is something going on with my child is such a comfort.

Easier for women to balance working/motherhood because it is more accepted in general if a mother chooses to work outside the home even if it's not financially necessary.

Easier to handle things like a spouse needing to travel for work - travel is easier than in the "old days" and can be faster/more convenient.

Easier to find after school child care because schools now provide it (well, for an extra fee).

Despite the downsides of screen time there are many excellent educational resources on the internet that help with so many things -handwriting, shoe tying, potty training, advice from other moms. Obviously the downsides are that the Internet also can stress you out and have bad information.

I am thrilled beyond belief that I am a mother and was able to have a child in my 40s - I won the lottery - this is despite the daily downsides: sleep deprivation (wow am I bad at it), not being able to socialize the way I used to/go out at night (not as much of a downside for me- I had an amazing few decades doing just that in an amazing city, totally fine to put that aside for now), the constant stress/anxiety of whether you're being a good parent because there's no manual for it and a heck of a lot of judgment out there - I work on staying centered/calm/peaceful but it's hard!; the difficulty, if you take time to be a full time parent, to get back into the workforce at any level resembling what you used to do, having to negotiate with your partner about various parenting issues/child rearing (rare that parents always agree, and hard to effectively communicate if the issues are near and dear/emotional), less time with your partner for the most part, harder to remain a vital/interesting person, and harder to maintain your appearance (for many that includes weight gain -for me it did not because I already had fitness/health as a top priority).

Despite all the negatives, I wanted to be a mom from as far back as I could remember, I am thankful every day that I am (well I skip a day once in awhile especially since i went back to work part time 3 months ago but I hate when that happens).

Oh another downside if it applies -kids are REALLY expensive.

Has your boyfriend always felt this way?

There are many people who have always wanted to be a mother/father. Like, when they see their future, that's what they envision. This is not me. I've been very adamant about not having kids since I was a small girl and I have voiced this for my whole life.

The decision to have or not to have kids is a deeply personal one and you will find that many people have different reasons for choosing the path they did. Speaking from experience in healthcare and working with the elderly, I can tell you that those who have regrets are the ones who didn't live authentically. Meaning, either they were pushed into having children when they didn't want them OR they wanted children but put it off for so long that it wasn't possible.

If you truly want children, for the right reasons, deep down and have them, you'll be okay. If you truly do not want children and stick to your guns and don't have them, you'll be okay. Live authentically.

Me personally, I do not really like being around babies/children. They make me really nervous and their screeching grates on my nerves. I have no desire to further my blood line. I'd rather spend my time doing other things with my life and yes, I really like sleeping in when I can and having a quiet house. I also have an autistic sister that I will be overseeing when my parents are gone. I want my focus to be on her, my partner, and my career. That is all, really.

People (namely my boss and some coworkers for me) extoll the joys of having children. I understand that it's good for them but when they talk about it, I don't feel like I'm missing out. I feel "oh, good for you" but I am confident in my own choice.

So confident am I that I got sterilized this past year. I'm 27. Fear over pregnancy has always impacted my sex life so I am happy I no longer have that fear.

I would do some soul searching and find out what YOU truly want. There is no right or wrong answer.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a mom and always knew I wanted to be a mom. Unless you are 100% into it I would not do it . I have a disabled child and he may be with me the rest of my life.

So if you ever want to be a mom this guy is not the one to do it with . And if you're just tinkering with the idea I would say no . Children are a lot of time and money . I don't regret that at all . But if you're not in for that I would say no .

Up until I was 28, I was vehemently against. Now I want them. I'm fine being 30+ years older than them. Gotta start thinking about popping the question and getting the ball rolling.

Agreed with the others about being 100% certain before you plan your family; I don't have children, have never wanted them (eldest of a large family, and I had plenty of practice looking after young kids when I was young, to know the reality!) and found out a few years ago that I have a severe uterine abnormality which would have made getting pregnant very unlikely.

So they've never been on the cards.

However, I do know a lot of women mainly of my mother's generation who were pressured into having children, for all sorts of reasons. For some women this was a natural extension of themselves and everything was fine. However, I also know a whole bunch of screwed-up adults whose mothers really shouldn't have had children - because they were too preoccupied with other things to give the kids the love and attention they needed, or found the whole staying-at-home-with-the-kids thing really frustrating and soul-destroying... which, of course, the youngsters picked up on.

You need to look at why you're contemplating whether or not to have children. Is it because it's expected, and you may not have a chance later, or is it because you have a genuine deep desire to bring another human being into the world, who you can devote your time and love to?

I knew at the age of 7 I did not want to be a mother, strange I know!

My mind has not changed at the age of 34 and neither will your boyfriends mind. Think long and hard what is best for you.

Lisa

Also think about what makes you happy -what you need to be content -and be extremely honest about it. Are you a person who needs a lot of space and privacy? How do you feel about going outside with mismatched socks, no makeup, unclean hair because it is your one opportunity to take your child out and/or your one opportunity that day -or in days -to get outside.

Do you care a lot if your meal that's supposed to be warm/hot is so even if you've been waiting to eat and sit down for hours? Do you have a lot of physical energy and endurance to run after a young child in a playground or similar area? Can you put your phone or device down for a really long time so that you can be present with your child even if it's to play the same game again (and again) or listen to the virtues of different Pokemon cards? Can you get lots of pleasure out of things like - a trip to the supermarket alone, toast that is actually hot alongside coffee that is hot and not re-microwaved four times? Clean linens and getting to go to bed early because your child now sleeps through the night? Taking a 15 minute shower in peace? Having an hour to yourself on a family vacation even though for part of it there is a huge downpour and you have no umbrella?

All this might sound negative -I really don't mean it to -it's the reality of the types of sacrifices and the type of perspective. Thing is there are many other experiences where you have to make sacrifices like that -please don't let anyone tell you "only parents" or "you'll know when you're a mom" - some people take care of elderly parents or disabled siblings, others have crazy jobs that you're on call 24/7 (I had one of those for many years) etc. I do not believe it's unique to parenthood -I was ok with the sleep deprivation and the demands and the sacrifices because of my career and my former career working with children. But it is real and you do have to consider very authentically as Fudgie put it what your actual boundaries are, what makes you feel relaxed, happy, content.

I think in society we feel it's our obligation to be parents to keep up with the human race so we feel bad if we don't have that desire. I used to think there was something fundamentally wrong with me to lack the maternal drive. Now I know I'm being non selfish by not bringing a baby into a world that I couldn't take care of.

Op you have to think about your whole life span and what you want or don't want for yourself. If you see being a mother is important don't have your current relationship dictate that decision. There are guys who want children.

It's important to be on the same page as your partner when it comes to kids.

"I think in society we feel it's our obligation to be parents to keep up with the human race so we feel bad if we don't have that desire."

Never factored into my decision (I was considering adoption if I couldn't conceive)and I don't know anyone else who feels that sense of obligation other than as a passing thought/cliche. I do know many people who want to be parents and give to a child and that is not ever one of the reasons or that there is some obligation. Certainly there will always be judgy and pushy people (experienced plenty of that when I was single and now to an extent since I only have one child and look young enough to be able to have more even though I am not).

Unless you are looking to milk the welfare system or trap men into child support I don't see a lot of reason for any single women to have children. You are legally single as you don't even refer to your bf as your partner just a bf. Ultimately though for many who don't believe in family and marriage children are a great predictor for poverty. There really isn't anything in it for the boyfriend, as the woman and mother you are holding all the cards and power. He is nothing more than a wallet if that is what you decide down the line. As far as I can tell he is being completely rational and honest with you.

Unless you are looking to milk the welfare system or trap men into child support I don't see a lot of reason for any single women to have children. You are legally single as you don't even refer to your bf as your partner just a bf. Ultimately though for many who don't believe in family and marriage children are a great predictor for poverty. There really isn't anything in it for the boyfriend, as the woman and mother you are holding all the cards and power. He is nothing more than a wallet if that is what you decide down the line. As far as I can tell he is being completely rational and honest with you.

What?? I don't think she ever wrote that she thought about getting accidentally pregnant or having children with her boyfriend before they are married when he doesn't want children. She is asking for input on how to process her feelings and his about kids.

What?? I don't think she ever wrote that she thought about getting accidentally pregnant or having children with her boyfriend before they are married when he doesn't want children. She is asking for input on how to process her feelings and his about kids.

Oh ok I guess you could possibly be right, in any case a much stronger case could be made never to even think about having children.

Oh ok I guess you could possibly be right, in any case a much stronger case could be made never to even think about having children.

I don't agree - of course she can and should think about it - she wrote that she used to think she wanted a family and now she is not sure. Since she probably wants to figure it out given that her boyfriend is not interested it's great that she is seeking input and seems so open to input.

I'm 40, never wanted kids, stayed married for 12 years with a man who also didn't want kids. It was very comfortable. I'm experiencing a myoma problem right now and the doctor suggested hysterectomy. It was quite funny when he suggested this beating around the bush, with a grave face, especially because I don't have children. I'm completely fine with it. I have thought of fostering before.

I knew from an early age onward that I didn't want children. I remember declaring this at 18. I know that part of it was related with my revolt against my own mother and was a teenage reaction. But another part of it was about a certain kind of conditioning. Being 18 meant being able to get a driver's licence, being able to vote, and do whatever I wanted to do. But in my country, this "whatever" often rang the bells for being able to sleep over the boyfriend, get married if we wanted to, have children if we wanted to etc etc. Being able to vote and its implications for instance were not taken seriously even by adults around us. This I believe is related to gender conditioning as well as an intersection of our bodies and politics.

In my unique combination, I never felt the "biological urge" to become a mother. I simply didn't feel it and did not focus on it that much despite all warnings - you will regret it, you will die alone, all that discourse. Approaching 35, I felt the discomfort of alarm bells - conceive now or remain silent forever Some of my female friends say it's the best feeling of the world, others are of the opinion that this is simply taught and helping humanity in a research lab is a much better feeling. Some mothers feel there is a special connection between yourself and biological child while some others who have both biological and adopted children say there is no difference. In my friends group, the common agreement is that we see this in the way we were more or less conditioned, like a level of readiness. But maybe there are other experiences, perfectly normal.

To me, just having a biological potential does not necessitate that I have to act on it. My potential for motherhood is natural to me, something I have but don't have to use if I don't feel like it. I simply didn't feel like it. But I don't privilege this in any sense. There are many other things that I can do and don't do. This is just one of them. And in time, I got very used to my lifestyle. I like it. And I don't have a big emotional connection with my biology or DNA. I wouldn't feel that a child is necessarily just part of me. It's generations and generations of DNA that probably has things from people I would seriously dislike if I had the chance to meet them

One of my "relationship role models" was a childless couple when I was young. They always looked more vibrant than parents, seemed to communicate more between each other, simply seemed to have more intimacy. I liked it. In my marriage too, I can say my ex-husband and I were closer in a different way (not more or less or better, just different) because we had a lot of time to focus on each other. But I would be very uncomfortable in a relationship where my partner wanted kids.

I don't think motherhood is simply natural. To the contraty, it is a very difficult task to raise a well-balanced child in tune with a peaceful world. I think only very motivated people should do this and then should not stop learning on the way.

OP, I think you have to think strongly about what you want. Because if you do truly want children, then you should definitely end your relationship asap.

It's not a societal decision, it's a private one, so nobody else gets a vote. I wouldn't base my decision on what my partner wants, because that's a minefield for resentment later. I'd spend some time around babies and small children, both in public and in private. Babysit for family or neighbors. Learn whether you can form bonds with kids, and whether or not that bond motivates you to want to become a mother.

My sister 'shared' her kids with me. I'd take them every other weekend, alternating between the two. I learned that I make a fabulous Aunt. I'd be so excited on my way to pick them up on Fridays--my seatbelt would be off before I even hit their driveway. I was relieved, however, to return the babes on Sunday nights for my time of rest before the work week.

So I discovered my own limits. I make a great 'support person,' but I wouldn't thrive if positioned on the point of motherhood for 24/7.

Everyone is different. I'd soul search and come up with my own feelings on this. If they differ from BF's, I'd ask myself this question: "If I knew that this is the most BF would ever offer me in terms of a family, would I stay or would I go?" If the answer is stay, then here you are. If the answer is go, then the next question becomes, "When?"

I think being around kids is relevant but in a limited way for so many reasons. It certainly can rule out because if you can't imagine ever changing a diaper or having to use the bathroom with a baby on your lap we'll then there you have it. Or if you feel no rapport at all for any child - even then I know great moms who have no interest in other people's kids. I would think about career goals and finances and what you want in terms of wanting to travel - all things that children impact significantly. Also what kind of extended family help you would need or get etc.

I am reminded of a friend who claimed to want children - and is with someone who really didn't. One night she was at my house and my then one year old was fisty in the play pen. I needed to step away to get his clothes. I put him on the sofa next to her and asked if she could just hold him for a minute. She looked terrified and almost let him roll off the sofa. (No he wasn't hsyterical- I thought - if she cannot even hold a baby for two minutes on a sofa does she really want to be a parent? Maybe unfair but it's those kinds of instincts (takes baby who is about to roll off a sofa) that might give you relevant info.