I think my cousin is disturbed

My cousin and I are a year apart. We were very close as children, which continued into early adulthood. You might say we were best friends at one point. She felt close to my parents, and we can both recall many happy times spent together.

My cousin (we'll call her "Judy") had a rough childhood. Her mother (my mom's sister) was killed in accident when Judy was only 4 months old. Her dad literally left her with his mother to be raised while he travelled the world, spending Judy's trust fund. Grandma was anything but nurturing; in fact she was downright emotionally abusive. Constantly called Judy fat and ugly as early as age 5, grounding her for weeks for ridiculous infractions like leaving a sock on the bed, etc. It was vicious cycle of abuse, alternated with bouts of money and gifts. She would wryly comment, "Yeah, she has money and she gives me a lot of stuff, but everything has a string attached." Grandma also went to great lengths to distance Judy from our mothers' side of the family.

Judy wisely moved out at 18 because she couldn't stand Grandma's abuse anymore. My parents offered her to stay with us for a while until she found a place of her own. Rent was cheap at 300 dollars a month, she ate meals with us as a family, she was working, we all got along, so why not?

It was during that time that I had noticed some very odd things in her behaviour. She had become incredibly narcissistic, and almost sociopathic in her actions.

- started telling people in our extended family that another cousin tried to rape her (this was proven to be false, by her own admission);

- constantly making rude and inappropriate comments about random people's appearances;

- put me down in public about my weight or appearance;

- made up outrageous stories about being hit on whenever we went out, but of course this only happened when I was out of the room (ie, the bathroom);

- fabricated stories of two of my male friends and my husband (not at the same time) forcing themselves on her at parties I had thrown - this resulted in one of my friends angrily severing ties;

- becoming extremely jealous or moody if a compliment is being paid to anyone, particularly me, and not her. Good example of this is when we were at a store making a purchase, and the male cashier paid me a very nice compliment, said, "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be forward, but I just wanted to say you are very pretty." Judy was seen glowering, and after we got outside she snarled, "He was really talking to me, you know, so don't get used to it."

- trying to find a permanent place within my immediate family. When my father was sick with cancer, she would try to find ways to prevent one-on-one time between me and him. She tried to send me home from the hospital because he was too tired and she would be the one to stay with him (could go in only one at a time, and BOY did mom and I have something to say about that. Mom sent her home PDQ);

- when my mom slipped into a coma at the hospital (different visit), Judy and I were at the house getting some of mom's things together when we got the notification. I was so exhausted after being up for nearly 36 hours after her heart attack that I crashed into a kitchan chair. When Judy got the notification, instead of waking me up she simply left me at the house with no vehicle (mine was in the shop). Called the hospital and they said I should get there ASAP, but I had no working vehicle. I then had to call my bf (now DH) to take me there. Sure enough, there was Judy, who ran out and gushed about how my mom was squeezing her hand and how sad it was that I wasn't there etc. When my mom's younger sister saw the whole thing go down, she got furious and sent Judy out of the waiting room. I couldn't be with my mom during her final moments as they said her condition was too touch and go. Dealing with both her and my parasitic brother (see also my "brother issues" post) that day was too much to have to deal with at once.

I cut Judy a lot of slack as I know that much of her behaviour can be traced to her less than perfect upbringing, but I will call her out when I catch her in an outrageous lie or if she being overly callous or obnoxious. The problem is I am seeing this far more frequently these days and it's become evident to the extended family members on our mothers' side as well (as recently as several weeks ago when we were at an uncle's funeral - she tried to downplay the bereaved's grief and make it all about her). She's a grown woman but gets enraged if she feels anyone sees her as less than perfect or if she's not the center of attention. If you point out something inappropriate she has done or said, she will either get angry or will blame someone/something for it. Makes up excuses.

This isn't a matter of me wanting to distance myself from her. Our family is getting smaller as we age, naturally, but I don't know how or if she will ever see she needs a cold shower of reality. I'm the only cousin who has kept in touch with her over the years yet she is delusional about how close she is with our mothers' side of the family and how she is everyone's favourite. I'm so desperate to keep family ties knotted tightly and I don't want to see her get unraveled and lost. She has her great moments and can be very kind at times, but I think she needs help of some kind. I know you can't help someone if they're not willing to get help.

Or I could be overreacting.

I don't think you're overreacting. Based on her childhood and the behaviors you are describing, I suspect she has narcissistic personality disorder. One of the unfortunate side-effects of such a disorder is a lack of self-awareness and a refusal to seek help. I'm not sure there is much you can do for her, but there are things you can do for yourself. I have a cousin who suffers from mental illness, and I am very strict about when and how I spend time with him. It's always on my terms: I go to his house instead of him coming to mine, I spend time with him when my family isn't present, and when a negative interaction occurs I will wait a few months before reaching out again.

I understand not wanting to cut family ties, but your top priority is to protect yourself. You need good boundaries to keep yourself and family safe from her toxicity.

Unfortunately, you may be right that nature and nurture created her personality. All you can do is distance yourself. She probably won't seek any therapy she needs. It seems she's very self-focused and focused on drama for attention. This is not someone to rely on or take seriously. Just tolerate with a a grain of salt.

@gebaird: it's funny you mention narcissistic personality disorder as my husband and I were talking about that the other evening. After doing a bit of research, she definitely shows many of the common traits - cannot take accountability, uses abuse as a weapon (her ex boyfriend is an old friend of mine and had a horrible time of things), lacks empathy, does not appear to be aware of the impact her actions have and seems oblivious to her surroundings. She can't seem to be by herself either, always living with someone - first my family, a boyfriend, and now is currently living in her dad's basement at the age of 41. She feels she was wronged by her own family (true) but she dwells on getting "what's hers" - saying her dad owes her, that he's going to put her name on the house (he remarried 20 years ago and she moved into their basement almost immediately), and that she is talking about having her dad change his will so she will be the sole beneficiary etc. It's a mess.

For a long time I tolerated it and turned a deaf ear (save for about 3 years after my mother had passed, due to her hijinks), but now I have realized that yes, the boundaries have to be firmly drawn. If she doesn't like it, I will take Wiseman2's advice and just wash of my hands of the whole damn thing. After dealing with both my cousin and brother to the same levels of frustration, I'm wondering if levelheadedness is a rare trait in my family, heh.

My heart goes out to and your family, including your cousin. I'm not clear what you're asking: what kind outcome are you shooting for, and how can we help?

I just wish there was a way to get her to understand that her behaviour is driving away not only me, but everyone else around her. But I also understand that she will not be receptive to suggestion (prior attempts have been fruitless, even when handled with kid gloves) and that she can only be helped when/if she chooses. I guess in a way I was looking for an easier way to approach her about it but she may never turn around since this has been ingrained since childhood.

I just wish there was a way to get her to understand that her behaviour is driving away not only me, but everyone else around her. But I also understand that she will not be receptive to suggestion and that she can only be helped until she chooses to. I guess in a way I was looking for an easier way to approach her about it but she may never turn around since this has been ingrained since childhood.

What is it that you want for her to do?

You're right, she's not likely going to be receptive to an insult dropped in her lap. If you want her to do something specific, spell out for her exactly what that is. Avoid abstractions. Implying that she's just a lousy person is punitive and not helpful.

Whatever you can offer as a reward will work better than threats of ostracization. Bribery is the fine art of helping someone to see why giving you what you want is in their best interests. So offer something of value in exchange for something that is of value to you.

If you want to be helpful, offer some form of help, and avoid coming off as judgmental--it won't get you what you want. Do you even know what you want? If you can't make that clear to us, you won't make it clear to her.

Head high.

If you want to be helpful, offer some form of help, and avoid coming off as judgmental--it won't get you what you want. Do you even know what you want? If you can't make that clear to us, you won't make it clear to her.

You make it sound like I'm being totally aggressive and at the same time being incomprehensible and wishy washy in 'what I want'. No, throwing an insult into her lap is definitely not the right way about it and never has been.

The most concerning thing is the constant lying and false accusations of attempted rape/molestation. She very nearly ruined another cousin's reputation with such an accusation; she may have had a moment of clarity and decided to come.clean, but not until years later. She doesn't seem to realize or care that such serious allegations can permanently scar; she seems to be more concerned about how much attention it will bring her. However, is there a way to make her cognizant of such things without outwardly telling her this type of behaviour is destructive? No matter how gently she is approached about anything, she will either lash out or totally shut down.

There is nothing that you can do to change her behavior. The only thing that you can control is your reaction to her behavior. chi

You make it sound like I'm being totally aggressive and at the same time being incomprehensible and wishy washy in 'what I want'. No, throwing an insult into her lap is definitely not the right way about it and never has been.

 

The most concerning thing is the constant lying and false accusations of attempted rape/molestation. She very nearly ruined another cousin's reputation with such an accusation; she may have had a moment of clarity and decided to come.clean, but not until years later. She doesn't seem to realize or care that such serious allegations can permanently scar; she seems to be more concerned about how much attention it will bring her. However, is there a way to make her cognizant of such things without outwardly telling her this type of behaviour is destructive? No matter how gently she is approached about anything, she will either lash out or totally shut down.

I understand. I'm challenging you to clarify exactly what you want--not because I'm judging you, but rather because clarity is essential for you to attain 'it'.

So think about specifics, not abstractions. Try to figure out exactly what you want for an outcome. Do you want to feel less guilty about seeing less of her? Do you want to feel better about seeing more of her?

If we know what you're trying to accomplish, we can be of more use to you.

Head high, and know that we're here for you--we just need to know how we can best offer input.

She doesn't seem to realize or care that such serious allegations can permanently scar; she seems to be more concerned about how much attention it will bring her. However, is there a way to make her cognizant of such things without outwardly telling her this type of behaviour is destructive? No matter how gently she is approached about anything, she will either lash out or totally shut down.

Thank you, this is much clearer.

... she seems to be more concerned about how much attention it will bring her....is there a way to make her cognizant of such things without outwardly telling her this type of behaviour is destructive?

You're aware that cousin is disturbed and that her credibility is already shot. So the likelihood of her accusations causing further damage is already minimal. You're also aware of her motivation: attention.

So give her plenty of attention for anything and everything EXCEPT for accusations. Sure, you can attempt the hail Mary of explaining that your biggest fear for her is that her need to be believed might be crucial someday, so building a reputation for accusing people is likely to stand in the way of that.

How well that would go over depends on more factors than anyone here can assess, but the likelihood of it landing what you want is near to zero.

So other than rewarding good to neutral behavior with attention while ignoring 'bad' behavior, it's better to educate the people around cousin should she launch another character attack.