Brother issues

I apologize for the long read. I have been bottling this up for 18 years and just now I feel it's come to a head. Anonymous bits of advice with honest words is a good start I guess.

A bit of backstory. My brother was the firstborn in a traditional Japanese family. He had been coddled and spoiled since birth, as this happens in many families - firstborn child, a son at that. He excelled academically, but was never taught how to work his way through life. Granted, there was an enormous amount of pressure placed on him as my parents stressed good grades. He graduated high school with honours and then immediately went to university. Lived on campus and had his tuition/textbooks/living expenses/rent on our parents' dime. Dad even took out a second mortgage to pay his way through to at least his Bachelors. Folks were extremely proud of him, and with good reason. In contrast, I was denied help and was told, almost in a chiding way, that I would amount to nothing as 1) I was the younger sibling, 2) a girl, and 3) nowhere near as smart as my brother. Be that as it may, this kind of behavior is very common in traditional families and I really didn't think much of it, just lived through it. We weren't starving, we had a roof over our heads, and aside from the constant comparisons between the two siblings, there wasn't much to complain about.

Because my brother hadn't been taught the value of a dollar, he felt the money would be a neverending fountain. "The Bank of Mom and Dad" I resentfully called it. Every time he needed money, mom or dad would be writing a cheque but they weren't happy about it. I had told him that, but he just shrugged and said he needed the money badly, for recreational activities like gaming and keggers.

Our parents passed away six months apart in 1998, so two years after my brother had graduated university. I was living at home, being a caretaker to our folks and working part-time to pay our folks rent and my way through business college. Dad had succumbed to cancer after a short but volatile fight, and mom suffered a massive heart attack.

When dad was in the hospital, my brother would not come visit except to pester mom (who was with dad until his dying breath) for money. His car didn't have any gas, he needed new clothes, he didn't have enough rent money, he needed groceries. You get the picture.

After mom's passing, he pretty much disappeared and left me to organize the funeral, casket, grave markers for both. I was 24, a student, and didn't have a lot of money. I was able to scrape together 3k for the grave markers and another 2k for the casket out of whatever little savings I had. My brother refused to help out, saying it was my responsibility since I was living at home - regardless of my having to pay rent. In hindsight, I wish I didn't have to quit school for three years so I could build my savings back up, but it was necessary at the time.

Time passes. I was forced to sell the family property about a year later as our parents ran a farm and I could not afford to continue to operate it on my own. My brother was all for selling it since he wanted his share of his inheritance "right away". Between me and the executor/trustee of the estate, the property/farm was sold and both my brother and I walked away with a tidy sum - enough to purchase a condo or townhouse outright with extra to spare. My husband and I invested it into a townhome (paid in full), paid off all personal debt/student loans and paid for car repairs. My brother put a downpayment on his townhouse, defaulted and then opted to let the bank take it due to non payment. Took himself and the family (his wife and three kids) on a vacation. The rest of the money, I have no idea where it went. Six months all 250k was gone. It's none of my business, but I do get a little snippy if you blow through that much money and then come to me to "borrow". He's lied about what he's needed it for (ie, told me a big sob story about how he and his family would be evicted if he couldn't come up with $300, only to find out a few days later he had taken off on a road trip with a bunch of friends). After inviting me and my husband out for dinner one night and "conveniently" forgetting his wallet, leaving us with a $100.00 restaurant bill to pay, I had had enough. That was roughly eight years ago.

Fast forward to today. I'm now in my early to mid 40s, happily married, in a great job working for the government. I recently found out my brother was laid off in January of this year and was on EI (aka "UI" in the states) after his salary continuance ran out at the end of April. He hadn't taken any steps to find a job for himself. His Bachelors degree was essentially wasted, decided to not pursue anything in his field, choosing to stay with his then-girlfriend-who-was-pregnant-with-another-guy's-kid (now wife). Every opportunity as a researcher would have necessitated him to relocate and she refused to move. Since 1996 he has been working nothing but dead end jobs. His health is poor and he has no upper teeth due to poor hygiene. No dentures, no medical benefits. A position facing the public is out of the question.

Anyway, after hearing he had been out of work for so long, I put aside my differences and reached out, and told him that my friend has told me that if he needed a job that there was one waiting for him at an inbound helpdesk/call centre where he was the hiring manager, full time with benefits after three months. He even stressed that he could use that position as a transition job until something better came along. It wasn't terrific but it would pay for rent and put food on the table. For six months my brother sat on this information, saying "working in a call centre isn't my thing" yet he had no viable options and his EI ran out. Zero income, does not qualify for government assistance. His wife was just let go from her job a week ago (that's another story, but the point is that there was zero income in that family). Instead of contacting my friend (we'll call him Sean) he and his wife took seasonal positions as parking lot attendants two hours away for slightly higher pay (note, I actually have respect for his wife for obtaining a job, seasonal or not, so quickly after being let go from her job on Thursday). My friend's work is half the commute, yet has said he can't justify the bus trip for "that low of pay" ($12.50/hour). It's something full-time with a benefit package, and his net income would be more than enough to pay all of his essentials but with little disposable income left over. What scares me is that once that gig is up, they'll both be out of work. And Sean has since taken that job off the table, saying he can't hold it forever (and rightfully was a little pissed that my brother wouldn't even consider it, despite having zero options and zero income). Believe me, it's not about pride or commute, it's the fact that it's not something he wants to do, and he feels he's too good for it (plus it doesn't pay enough). Easy enough to say if you're already gainfully employed and you're looking to find a different job, but seriously. He has since asked me for help to find other jobs but I have ignored him. It's hard to cut off a member of your own family, but in this case I think I have to.

I know he's my family, but I cannot deal with this kind of ingratitude. Saddens me as he really is my only surviving family member left but I can't bring myself to keep bringing him afloat, otherwise I'm going to sink with him.

If you've made it this far, I thank you for having the patience to wade through all of that. Admittedly I feel better after typing all of that out.

Sorry to hear all this. It sounds like although your parents were 'following tradition', they created a monster. You are wise to distance yourself from his parasitic ways.

I think you know what you have to do. Your brother is a dead weight, always has been, always will be. Unless you want to sink too, you need to cut him off and let him fall. He's lazy and entitled and has NO ONE to blame but himself. This was a long time coming.

I'm very sorry to hear all this.

Are you able to see the kids at all? Your bro and his wife will likely not change. But the kids... Maybe you can lend your positive influence as an aunt?!

Thank you for your reply

Thankfully their youngest boy (they have three) still lives at home, and while he is only 15, he is very insightful and understands that he needs to work to get where he wants to go. He has dreams of being a game developer or working in electronics, and he knows that it's going to take either 1) a lot of work to earn tuition, 2) a lot of work to possibly earn a scholarship, or 3) a miracle, because his folks would not be able to help.

In the past my husband and I had tried giving the kids money at Christmas to go toward school, etc., but the money magically disappeared.

My little monkey makes me proud. He's already working part-time hours while going to high school, and he's still able to maintain his grades. Despite his difficult circumstances and lack of parental role models he has a great attitude and tries to take things in stride. Takes responsibility for his own things. So very proud of him. And he knows that he can come to us for advice and guidance if he is unable to do so with his folks. Poor kid knows things are bad and he's trying to take up some of that responsibility. I just want him to be able to enjoy what childhood he has left and not have to worry about where the next meal is coming from.

That's why it makes it so hard to cut my brother off. When kids are involved, my heart breaks.

You can still be there for the young boy. Set aside money for a college fund if you want, or take him out for fun activities or clothes shopping. I wouldn't give him straight cash, not because he's not trustworthy - but his parents may take it from him and squander it. So do things to help him that benefit HIM and only him - not his awful parents. Taking him for little trips or clothing shopping benefits him and only him, and college funds could benefit him only, not straight cash.

Just some ideas.

Ohhh yeah, my husband and I learned VERY QUICKLY to not give cash. That was an expensive lesson, and a practice that has since been rehashed.

We've done little outings for lunch, movies, etc. We are hoping to finish up Christmas shopping together this week.

He has two older brothers (one lives with grandma, and that's a whole 'nother story that will simply take up the rest of the day just typing out) and one who is in a group home for developmentally challenged young adults. His eldest brother, the one who lives with grandma, unfortunately is falling into the same footsteps as mom and dad. I can't stand to play favourites, and I worry that if the youngest innocently mentions that auntie and uncle have done something special for him, he will make things extremely difficult. Oldest is 23, refuses to work, has been on disability since 18 due to social anxiety and spends day in and day out playing video games, grousing about "how little he is earning". We've already had words with him about his entitlement attitude, but that ended up in a temper tantrum at the age of 20.

I have established a small secondary trust fun for the youngest - if he decides to pursue post-secondary, whatever has been saved up will be going toward his tuition - similar to an RESP. Even if it only pays for a few courses, it's a few courses he won't have to scrape together for himself, by himself.

You are amazing. Sounds like you are doing everything you can and then some. And 'little monkey'made me smile- that is so cute.