Mum's BF

Hi, I'm a 13-year-old girl. I have been struggling a lot lately. First of all, my father passed away when I was 12 years old; which was last year. It has put a lot of stress of my brother, my mother and I's shoulders. It broke my heart when I saw her crying or when I came home from school seeing her eyes red.

He first made his appearance on a dating app. In February, all 3 of us went to my mother's cousin's house for a holiday. It was her cousin that came up with a dating app profile. At first, I really didn't care about my mum going on a dating app and finding a new man BUT I felt like it was too early. We live in England and my mother is from the Philippines so she was brought up with the traditions there. One of them is that you wait at least a YEAR after your husband's death before moving on. She got scolded by her mother so I felt a bit lightened up.

Anyway, she started chatting to him on the app. Still continuing to do so when we left her cousin's house and went home. However, at home, she began to start talking to him over the phone. I have spoken to him multiple times over February to March and he seemed really nice.

He came over to our house a couple of times just to see our mother and that was the first time I saw him. He slept over a couple of time on the couch in the living room, but I found it really weird how where he lives and where my uncle lives are the same distance and the same time away. Let me explain this further, my uncle and aunt come over and go home really late like around 10 pm or 10:30 pm and my mother's BF stays over making the excuse that it is too late. He is PERFECTLY capable of driving in the dark because he brought my mum home at 1 am in the morning. My brother and I, he is currently 15 years old, was okay with him at the start staying and sleeping here BUT it suddenly just became a mess. He at least comes over to our house 4 days a week and sleeps over which pisses me off and makes me very uncomfortable.

A couple months later in July, we were able to go to the Philippines because we had enough money. I was so excited because I didn't have to see his face for a full month. When we arrived there, we met all the family and blah blah blah. But what made me mad was that she still kept talking about him there because her mum wanted to know what was going on. Her mother even said that I was jealous. And yes, I do admit that I'm jealous. My mum doesn't talk to me as she used too, she was like a really close friend but that all ended so quickly. I was jealous because of all the attention that he was getting from her. So let's skip to the end of the holiday where he picked us up from the airport. During the car ride, he was making rather unfunny and annoying jokes that were way overused.

He is an English teacher and he often gives my brother and I lectures. He has 4 kids to himself but they are all adults. He was mad at me because I used my knife and fork the wrong way around, and that I also never talk. Ever since I was young, I have had social anxiety. I HATE the pressure that he puts on me (we will discuss this later on). 3 weeks before the anniversary of my father, we went to his house and slept over. My mother and I shared a bed and my brother shared a bed alone. We went out one day to go eat. After we ordered, he and my mum went to buy some drinks in a shop so he told ME to get all the utensils. So I did and I brought everything back to the table. I sat back in my place and realised that I forgot the napkins so I told my brother to go get it since he is near to the aisle (I was seated next to the wall and I struggle to get out) but he refused too. When they came back he looked and me asking why I didn't get any napkins. So, I told the truth saying that my brother didn't get them and he were fuming. He made a scene in public and made me walk all the way to the other side to just get napkins. When I sat back down, he left again. So I decided that the best choice was to tell my friend about this (my friend has been helping me ever since he has appeared in my life and she really hates him too) but before I could, he shouted at me once again. I felt embarrassed and humiliated. He said that I was childish and petty. I will never forget.

When we eat dinner at our house instead of his, my mum tells me to set the table. I replied, "Okay just once second because I need to do something." At the time, I was trying to fit something in my school bag so I wouldn't forget to take it into school the next day. Then, he came into the room and shouted at me for taking so slow to set the table. When my father was alive, we would never eat as a family so I never knew how to set a table surprisingly. But I had too because I couldn't take in any more sentences that came out of his annoying mouth.

After a FEW weeks after my father's death anniversary, she decided to ask him out at the table when we were eating. He was definitely going to accept it. My brother and I just congratulated them really dryly and left them at that. Tears threatened to fall but I did my best to keep them in. By the way, I slept with my mother since my father passed because he died on my old bed in my bedroom. The next day, he wanted me to paint my walls in my bedroom and I accepted since I loved art. By the end of the day, I was really tired and I went to bed early because I had school in the morning. Little did I know, he set up my bed in my bedroom while I was trying to sleep but I didn't want to leave and get out of bed. First, my mum asked me multiple times while I was still trying to sleep and she was really annoying me. After I didn't reply, she told him and he marched up here. He pulled the duvet off of me and he saw my panties (lol). He shouted at me for not leaving the bed and so I was forced to go next door to sleep.

The mattress was hard, the pillows were hard and the bed kept creaking because it wasn't put together well. Every morning I need to wake up at 6:40 am and the time I started to sleep was at 3:30 am. That night I still remember myself crying repeatedly until I fell asleep. When I woke up, I got changed and when I was just about to go downstairs I heard him tell my mum that he was going to shout at me. I felt scared and frightened to go downstairs. I just wanted to avoid him but I was too scared to. When I entered the living room, he began shouting at me for 'solving a problem by crying' and that phrase pissed me off. His whole attitude was ignorant. Whenever HE causes a problem, he never says sorry because I'm always forced to say it, well either me or my brother. He never cares about our feelings.

My brother has counselling lessons at his school and he has discussed this situation with his counsellor. He came to the conclusion of writing a letter to him. The next time we went to his house, he finally talked about the letter. I never read the letter but he questioned me although I never even wrote it. I had multiple panic attacks during the talk and he LAUGHED at me crying which made me cry even more.

Right now, I have to spend Christmas day with him when I only want to spend it as a family and he wants my brother and I to meet his children; I don't want to meet them. The worst of it all is that my mother didn't even ask our opinions of it, they just arranged it.

I really don't know what to do. I'm sorry if this is hard to read, it's because I'm really bad at English even though it's my first language. I also feel a bit depressed lately. Anyway, I would appriciate replies! Thank you

Sorry to hear about your dad. it's ok for your mom to go out on dates, people get lonely for adult company.

But you kids need to tell her this guy sleeping over all the time is a problem for you and it makes you very uncomfortable. Talk to some other trusted adults/relatives about this. Tell a teacher at school that some guy is sleeping over all the time.

Don't focus on her dating life or readiness for dating, that's her personal issue. Focus instead on having some random guy sleep over with a 13 girl in the house.

I'm so sorry. It sounds like your mum is really scared of parenting by herself and has latched on to the first guy who came along. Who, tbh, sounds like a bad choice to be dating someone with kids.

Do you have any other family in the UK other than your mum and brother?

Yes, my auntie and Uncle; but that's about it because they all live in a different country.