Overprotective parents are keeping me from my niece

I'll just start by saying my brother and sister-in-law are very "square" and wholesome - good people with good intentions, but kind of blinded by their helicopter parenting. They know that I regularly smoke marijuana.. it relaxes me. Simple as that. They don't have a problem with it and never have. But they recently found out that their 21 year old son (my nephew) smokes pot and now they think it's because of me like I'm some bad influence on him. They also think he can't cope with living on his own and that's why he smokes weed. He's in college and enjoys smoking pot. College kids are exposed to everything under the sun, yet his parents think that I'm somehow to blame. To the point that they recently decided that I'm not allowed to see their other child (my 13-year old niece) without them around. I love my nieces and nephews and have very good relationships with them. I've never exposed them to marijuana. I have a good, stable job, pay my bills, etc.. I'm a GOOD PERSON and a productive member of society and they know it and would be the first to back me up on that statement. Yet they are stripping me of a relationship with my niece in order to "protect her" like I'm some bad influence. I know I don't live my life they way they do. They are very conservative, go church all the time, and never drink alcohol, etc. But I'm not a big partying type person and I would never do anything to encourage my niece to have a partying lifestyle. I think because my nephew likes smoking week despite his grossly sheltered religious goody-two-shoes upbringing, they're so afraid that my niece will do the same just by being exposed to me as a teenager. But this has nothing to with me! My feelings are very hurt and I'm downright offended. I'm just myself and they've always adored me. Helicopter parents, please stop pointing the finger at everyone but yourselves! How do I approach this? How do you tell someone without offending them that it's actually their overbearing parenting that's the problem, NOT me and not the world. My nephew is having difficulty in life because he was never given the skills to thrive on his own or to feel what it's like to fail at something. Because his parents hovered and saved him from hardship at every corner. But yet it's my fault he smokes weed because I happen to smoke myself??? What's worse is my brother and sister in law are acting like normal. Like their choice to keep me from my niece wasn't supposed to upset me or affect me in any way. I'm trying to be understanding and respectful of their parenting, but denying me a relationship with my niece is not in her best interest, especially knowing she loves spending time with my wife and I.

Sorry to hear this. Agree kids experiment. It sounds like they are looking for a scapegoat to explain what they think is a failure in teaching their values.

 

Pull back for a while and do not defend yourself or your lifestyle. In fact don't talk about it at all since there is no common ground on that issue. They are the parents and they are straightedge and conservative, that's not going to change.

 

However they are kidding themselves that temptation isn't ubiquitous. Tomorrow either of them could find heroin around the corner if they wanted to.

Sounds like they don't want someone as judgmental as you are about their lifestyle around their children. It is their children and they get to choose who interacts with them even when it comes to blood relatives. I would not let a regular pot smoker around my son especially if the person smelled like it or possibly had the residue on clothing, in a purse, etc. You don't get to judge whether they're overbearing. Here's how you approach it. Say respectfully "I respect your decision despite not liking it and missing seeing your children. I never said or did anything to encourage your son to smoke and I never would. I only had the best intentions. If you ever want input on your parenting choices from me let me know."

 

When your niece and nephew are adults they can make their own choices.

please stop pointing the finger at everyone but yourselves

are they really pointing their finger at you though? i think they're just worried that their kids will pick up your coping mechanisms, not that you will impose it on the children. you sound like a collected person and it seems like they respect you for that, i don't see how that tangents to them thinking you're pushing weed on the kids.

 

They also think he can't cope with living on his own and that's why he smokes weed.

they may be right. it's not at all uncommon, plus they know his reactions to change and stress best. also this sentence to me sounds like proof they're not blaming you for anything at all. they recognize their children are impressionable and maybe prone to escapism at an age when they need to learn better survival strategies.

 

they recently decided that I'm not allowed to see their other child (my 13-year old niece) without them around.

denying me a relationship with my niece is not in her best interest

they are not denying her a relationship with you. they want the time spent with you to be supervised. so they can keep an eye on their kid. it's reasonable you may have a bong or pipe or stash somewhere a kid could easily see and justify their experiments with substances with "my uncle is functional and cool and he does it too". they want to see for themselves that the child isn't exposed, and if she is, they want to know when and what she was exposed to to redirect her. it isn't intended to judge you as unfit or untrustworthy around their kids. it's being extra vigilant when kids are at a vulerable age.

 

be kind, keep modeling good and responsible behavior and show them that your habit is yours, and your time spent with the kids untainted by it.

Thanks.. it's really hurtful. It suck to be the scapegoat

It's sounds harsh but I agree. It's their kids. When my son was born, a whole new WORLD of protective behavior opened up I never knew I was capable of.

 

I was in the same boat years ago when dating a couple different girls with kids. A few situations came up and I inserted myself without looking at the whole picture. Who was I to say anything about these kids that weren't mine?

 

If I were you, I would simply follow their rules and show them you are good at being a positive role model. Earn their trust.

If you truly care about spending time with your niece then it shouldn't matter.

Another thing, who cares what they think about you? If you're a good person you shouldn't have to convince anyone. They will see it. When it comes to someone's child..don't expect them to just hand their own kid off.

 

When you have kids of your own you will see. It's something I never understood and won't bother explaining. You just don't understand until you make one

Thanks.. it's really hurtful. It suck to be the scapegoat

 

i don't think that was their intent. maybe after you get over the initial hurt a bit you can tell them in private you're worried they may have thought you encouraged the children to smoke or made drugs appear "cool", and that you just wanted to tell them you'd never do that.

It's sounds harsh but I agree. It's their kids. When my son was born, a whole new WORLD of protective behavior opened up I never knew I was capable of.

 

I was in the same boat years ago when dating a couple different girls with kids. A few situations came up and I inserted myself without looking at the whole picture. Who was I to say anything about these kids that weren't mine?

 

If I were you, I would simply follow their rules and show them you are good at being a positive role model. Earn their trust.

If you truly care about spending time with your niece then it shouldn't matter.

Another thing, who cares what they think about you? If you're a good person you shouldn't have to convince anyone. They will see it. When it comes to someone's child..don't expect them to just hand their own kid off.

 

When you have kids of your own you will see. It's something I never understood and won't bother explaining. You just don't understand until you make one

 

I had my child at 42 and I totally got way before I was a parent about boundaries and how to protect one's child yet still foster independence-and how hard that is. I don't think you have to be a parent to know about that, to consider what your parenting style might be, your values, how you would react in different situations. Sure some thing change when reality hits but there are too many dismissive "you can't know about ___ unless you're a parent yourself"

Sounds like they don't want someone as judgmental as you are about their lifestyle around their children. It is their children and they get to choose who interacts with them even when it comes to blood relatives. I would not let a regular pot smoker around my son especially if the person smelled like it or possibly had the residue on clothing, in a purse, etc. You don't get to judge whether they're overbearing. Here's how you approach it. Say respectfully "I respect your decision despite not liking it and missing seeing your children. I never said or did anything to encourage your son to smoke and I never would. I only had the best intentions. If you ever want input on your parenting choices from me let me know."

 

When your niece and nephew are adults they can make their own choices.

 

How am I being judgmental? I'm simply stating how they live their lives. It's an observed fact, not a judgement. And btw, this all very recent. Their lifestyle has always been this way and mine has always been my way. It only became an issue when one their kids began smoking pot, which I had nothing to do with. I love my niece and am hurt by this. And also - your suggested response is pretty much how I DID respond to them. Like I said, I'm being respectful of their decision. But I can't help that I'm hurt by it.

How am I being judgmental? I'm simply stating how they live their lives. It's an observed fact, not a judgement. And btw, this all very recent. Their lifestyle has always been this way and mine has always been my way. It only became an issue when one their kids began smoking pot, which I had nothing to do with. I love my niece and am hurt by this. And also - your suggested response is pretty much how I DID respond to them. Like I said, I'm being respectful of their decision. But I can't help that I'm hurt by it.

 

Of course you are hurt but you are reacting by referring to them as helicopter parents and judging them as overbearing - that is an opinion -and a highly critical one- and not a fact in the least -would you like it if they label you as a slacker/pothead? You also judge them for their parenting choices in your post -also not fact. Good for you in being respectful in your dealings with them.

are they really pointing their finger at you though? i think they're just worried that their kids will pick up your coping mechanisms, not that you will impose it on the children. you sound like a collected person and it seems like they respect you for that, i don't see how that tangents to them thinking you're pushing weed on the kids.

 

they may be right. it's not at all uncommon, plus they know his reactions to change and stress best. also this sentence to me sounds like proof they're not blaming you for anything at all. they recognize their children are impressionable and maybe prone to escapism at an age when they need to learn better survival strategies.

 

 

they are not denying her a relationship with you. they want the time spent with you to be supervised. so they can keep an eye on their kid. it's reasonable you may have a bong or pipe or stash somewhere a kid could easily see and justify their experiments with substances with "my uncle is functional and cool and he does it too". they want to see for themselves that the child isn't exposed, and if she is, they want to know when and what she was exposed to to redirect her. it isn't intended to judge you as unfit or untrustworthy around their kids. it's being extra vigilant when kids are at a vulerable age.

 

be kind, keep modeling good and responsible behavior and show them that your habit is yours, and your time spent with the kids untainted by it.

 

I appreciate your responses. To the last one, my nephew who now smokes weed has been staying over at our house since he was a kid. Believe me, he and his sister are and have always been supervised in our home meaning NO bongs laying around, stash is secured in the basement, etc. I'm a responsible adult who enjoys marijuana. I'm not a bad person. Further proof is that my nephew has recently told me that growing up he had NO IDEA that I smoked - that's how well I hid it! You know why I hid it well? Because I WOULD NEVER EXPOSE CHILDREN TO SOMETHING THAT IS MEANT FOR ADULTS!

 

I know they're not outright denying us a relationship with my niece, but the fact that it has to be supervised is insulting. Not only that, but these kids confide in me. The reason they've always loved coming to my house to stay with me is because they enjoy our relationship and like talking to me and hanging out - WITHOUT their parents around - and that's not an insult to their parents, it's just the way kids are, especially teenagers. They like escaping to their aunts and uncles. It's natural and normal to want a relationship with your aunt and uncle outside of your parent's supervision.

 

And to add more....neither of them even have an issue with marijuana in general. Except of course when it comes to their kids, which I understand. But they known I smoke pot for decades and yet they allowed my nephew and niece to stay over at my house throughout the years. They trusted me and knew that I would never expose their kids to pot. But now that my nephew smoke pots, they don't trust me with my niece.. like as if I'm going to hand her a joint or something! What I'm trying to say is that I'm not the reason my nephew smokes weed, yet in a sense I'm being blamed for it. And that's very hurtful. I know their kids come first and are their first priorities, but I don't think they've thought twice about the fact that I'm offended and hurt by this decision. I'm not even saying they should change their mind on account of my feelings.. but to act like nothing and pretend like they didn't just royally offend me is hard to do.

Your feelings are totally valid, but so are theirs. It's a rubbish situation to be in and I get why you are hurt but you may have to just accept it for now.

i don't think that was their intent. maybe after you get over the initial hurt a bit you can tell them in private you're worried they may have thought you encouraged the children to smoke or made drugs appear "cool", and that you just wanted to tell them you'd never do that.

 

Already have. I made it clear that I have never ever ever encouraged either of their kids to smoke weed, party, drink alcohol, etc. I want what's best for those kids. What idiot uncle would encourage his nieces and nephews to get high. Certainly not me!

What is your relationship like with your brother and sister-in-law? Can you have them over for dinner and talk it out? Have you explained that this is hurting you?

 

(You are making me grateful for my brother and sister-in-law, I smoke pot and have multiple partners and they keep wanting to send me their kids as teens so they can see what different adults live like)

how did the nephew find out you smoked? i mean what gave it away after all this time: a conversation they had at home, or a conversation you had with him? i'm trying to understand where the link is since they never assumed you'd contribute to him smoking before.

 

also, once they have a child who smokes, any potential source of exposure is something they'd become hypervigilant about. they didn't have an issue with you smoking before...because they didn't think he's likely to smoke. now they know he is. it also makes them doubly anxious about the second child. i agree with dangertastic, it's one of those things maybe we don't know just how freaked out we would be about as parents.

 

i had one cool uncle growing up, and he lived very far away so i never got to hang out with him. i wasn't an impressionable child or teenager at all. but a good uncle i could confide in...i guess i might be prone to mimicking such a person. i don't know. i'm trying to picture it, the trust is there, the respect, the knowledge that this is a good person who wants the best for you, a collected healthy person...i just found out he smokes. hey. how bad can it be, right?

 

i hope they also had a talk with the girl and expained why the new rules...in a way that is benevolent and respectful to everyone...to just cut the kids off sounds clumsy...but i would cut them some slack. they may not have an issue with adults smoking...but of course they'd be worried if children who need to be clean and clearheaded to focus on their education, career, social life seemed too interested in it.

 

one wishes to think they'd handle things elegantly as a parent...but i can easily imagine the execution in practice is often less than ideal.

 

give it a while. maybe they'll reconsider things.

 

eta:

(You are making me grateful for my brother and sister-in-law, I smoke pot and have multiple partners and they keep wanting to send me their kids as teens so they can see what different adults live like)

wow. that is epic.

What is your relationship like with your brother and sister-in-law? Can you have them over for dinner and talk it out? Have you explained that this is hurting you?

 

(You are making me grateful for my brother and sister-in-law, I smoke pot and have multiple partners and they keep wanting to send me their kids as teens so they can see what different adults live like)

 

I want my child to experience different cultures and lifestyles and I don't need to do that by having him at a home where behavior is happening that I might find unsafe or inappropriate at his age. Parents who want to foster independence and exposure all have to balance that against safety concerns. I would feel unsafe having my child unsupervised by me in an environment where there are illegal drugs and also he'd be exposed to the residue/second hand smoke etc. I also wouldn't let him sleep at a home where people smoked cigarettes.

It's sounds harsh but I agree. It's their kids. When my son was born, a whole new WORLD of protective behavior opened up I never knew I was capable of.

 

I was in the same boat years ago when dating a couple different girls with kids. A few situations came up and I inserted myself without looking at the whole picture. Who was I to say anything about these kids that weren't mine?

 

If I were you, I would simply follow their rules and show them you are good at being a positive role model. Earn their trust.

If you truly care about spending time with your niece then it shouldn't matter.

Another thing, who cares what they think about you? If you're a good person you shouldn't have to convince anyone. They will see it. When it comes to someone's child..don't expect them to just hand their own kid off.

 

When you have kids of your own you will see. It's something I never understood and won't bother explaining. You just don't understand until you make one

 

I'm sure you're right about parenting. And I am being respectful of their decision. But I have to disagree regarding trust - I've always been who I am and have HAD their trust, and they've never had an issue with me or my lifestyle. I'm not going to change who I am. And I have the utmost confidence that they would indeed label me a good person. But if they don't trust me, it's due to their own irrational fears or assumptions and has nothing to do with the way I am. I AM a good role model - I work for a charity organization, I'm into being fit and active, I eat healthy, and I have three college degrees! I'm really not trying to judge their parenting style, but I do think that I'm a scapegoat in this situation. They can't accept the fact that their son enjoys smoking weed, they have to point the finger somewhere. They are irrationally doing what they think will keep their daughter from maybe potentially smoking week too someday. Look I get it. I really do. But like, I'm human too and I have feelings too. And this is hurtful. Plain and simple.

They're hurting right now too. They're afraid their son will destroy his future. Cut them slack for now.

What is your relationship like with your brother and sister-in-law? Can you have them over for dinner and talk it out? Have you explained that this is hurting you?

 

(You are making me grateful for my brother and sister-in-law, I smoke pot and have multiple partners and they keep wanting to send me their kids as teens so they can see what different adults live like)

 

You should indeed be grateful! Our relationship is ok, but I would find it very difficult to talk to them about this because they will think I'm attacking their parenting. And ultimately I do realize it's their kids and their decision and I have to respect that. I just don't want it to cause a rift and drive us even further away from my niece.

I would back off and accept their choice. Yes, they sound kind of irrational but there's nothing you can do - their kid, their choice. Sadly, this is one of the few reasons I refrain from developing any friendships with any children as an adult- many parents will not hesitate to cut off contact as a way to hurt you, whether or not it's "justified". So then you and the kid suffer. It's not worth the hurt or drama, IMO.

 

I would try to move on and forget the 13 year old and move to forge a better relationship with the 21 year old. You can be friends with the 13 year old when he reaches the legal age in a few years.

Ok then just keep it about family time, holidays etc. so you can see them but in accordance with the parents needs right now. It sounds like they are worried/aghast at this right now, so let them process it their own way in their own time..

I do realize it's their kids and their decision and I have to respect that. I just don't want it to cause a rift and drive us even further away from my niece.

how did the nephew find out you smoked? i mean what gave it away after all this time: a conversation they had at home, or a conversation you had with him? i'm trying to understand where the link is since they never assumed you'd contribute to him smoking before.

 

also, once they have a child who smokes, any potential source of exposure is something they'd become hypervigilant about. they didn't have an issue with you smoking before...because they didn't think he's likely to smoke. now they know he is. it also makes them doubly anxious about the second child. i agree with dangertastic, it's one of those things maybe we don't know just how freaked out we would be about as parents.

 

i had one cool uncle growing up, and he lived very far away so i never got to hang out with him. i wasn't an impressionable child or teenager at all. but a good uncle i could confide in...i guess i might be prone to mimicking such a person. i don't know. i'm trying to picture it, the trust is there, the respect, the knowledge that this is a good person who wants the best for you, a collected healthy person...i just found out he smokes. hey. how bad can it be, right?

 

i hope they also had a talk with the girl and expained why the new rules...in a way that is benevolent and respectful to everyone...to just cut the kids off sounds clumsy...but i would cut them some slack. they may not have an issue with adults smoking...but of course they'd be worried if children who need to be clean and clearheaded to focus on their education, career, social life seemed too interested in it.

 

one wishes to think they'd handle things elegantly as a parent...but i can easily imagine the execution in practice is often less than ideal.

 

give it a while. maybe they'll reconsider things.

 

eta: wow. that is epic.

 

Yes yes, I should have addressed that. Shortly after my nephew went off to college we have been out in the open about pot smoking. He tried it for the first time (like most college kids!), confided in me, etc. so it's been out in the open between us for 3 years now. He's 21 mind you, so ever since he turned 18 I've treated him like an adult. I would never put him in harms way, but I'm not his dad and so I don't treat him like I'm his parent. That's not my role. With that said, yes I've known he smokes weed and I personally do not have a problem with it. It's better than drinking and smoking nasty cigarettes. His parents only recently found out and because I knew all along, they think that during his teenage years I exposed him to it or something. But I did NO such thing.

You should indeed be grateful! Our relationship is ok, but I would find it very difficult to talk to them about this because they will think I'm attacking their parenting. And ultimately I do realize it's their kids and their decision and I have to respect that. I just don't want it to cause a rift and drive us even further away from my niece.

 

Have you thought of writing an e-mail? So you can pick your words and do your best to say it without blame. This is your family. As scary as open communication can be it's your best bet on getting heard.

An adult can't be "friends"with a child unless the parents approve of course and I think it's needlessly critical to claim that parents irrationally cut off contact - most parents want what is best for their children including interaction with positive role models. If you're going to judge parents then also judge how many people these days treat friends as fungible/disposable no matter whether they are parents, single, whatever- I don't believe that but I see that opinion everywhere too, likely because of a few bad apples.

I would back off and accept their choice. Yes, they sound kind of irrational but there's nothing you can do - their kid, their choice. Sadly, this is one of the few reasons I refrain from developing any friendships with any children as an adult- many parents will not hesitate to cut off contact as a way to hurt you, whether or not it's "justified". So then you and the kid suffer. It's not worth the hurt or drama, IMO.

 

I would try to move on and forget the 13 year old and move to forge a better relationship with the 21 year old. You can be friends with the 13 year old when he reaches the legal age in a few years.

 

Wow. I appreciate your response.... But "move on and forget the 13 year old"? Ummmm... it's my niece! I'm not just going to forget about her for the next 5 years and then pick up where we left off. Either way, I have no choice but to respect their decision. But wow.. just wow. And btw, you might have missed.. I'm not completely cut off or anything. My wife and I just can't have her over at our house anymore. We can still see her though, as long as it's supervised.