A little more advise on my mother in law situation ☹️

I managed to get over my anger issue with my mother in law (previous post will explain) after the advise you guys gave, but now the holidays are approaching and normally I would buy her a gift off the both of us, this year for obvious reasons I have told my boyfriend he will have to do it by himself and he said that was fine. But I can see him struggling as he's working a lot so doesn't have the time and also doesn't know what to get her. I feel extremely guilty like I'm making him suffer when I could easily just go to the store tomorrow and het her something I know she would like, she wouldn't even have to know I had anything to do with it, but my pride just won't allow me to I feel so mean. Am I being mean by doing this?

The thing is, normally I would just do it for him to avoid him being stressed, but my birthday was last month and we were driving out for dinner (my bf and I ) and his phone went off, he asked me to see who it was as he was driving and it was his mother, the text just read out "I'm not getting S (me) a card because I want to, I'm doing it because you've asked, but I really really don't want to" I told him what it said and he just shook his head and told me not to worry about her, when the card came in the post I just threw it in the bin. Now I feel like why should I get her something nice for Christmas and go out of my way to do it, when she's been so horrible to me? But the other side of me just wants to help my boyfriend out.... Any ideas? I know which options makes me the better person deep down, I'm just struggling to make the right choice at the moment

Don't do it for her - do it for your boyfriend, since he doesn't have the time or knowledge to get a good gift for her.

Don't reward bad behaviour.

It looks like a war. And it looks like you are associating one action (buying her a gift) with some kind of defeat or self-respect in this war. I know how horrible that feeling is. I went through that myself. But ultimately it is an emotional connection you built and there are so many other ways to practise self-respect, not get your pride damaged and bring you to a point of emotional indifference to this MIL, which is the real victory. The path to that is independent action. That is you are free to do anything you think will help your relationship and boyfriend and the moment anyone wishes to interpret this as a defeat, you are free to sit back, smile and think "This is not so. I did this because I chose to do this because there are more important things than this MIL-wannabe." That is, you stop giving this person the privilege of being in a war with you. I think that is the real victory. That they don't come first in your emotional world, in your dealings with the world and if you want to buy a gift simply because your boyfriend is busy, it is not much different from buying groceries or toilet paper for the household. Cut the emotional connection between the gift and what it represents. Avoid a passive aggressive gift. Actually buy her a wonderful gift that brings tears to her eyes. And when she thanks her son thinking how wonderful he is, truly enjoy the reality that YOU bought it ha ha The more you don't mention it, the more enjoyable it becomes in your head. Be as graceful as you can in your approach to this with your boyfriend and find a balance between not having your boundaries crossed and being graceful - or at least not super nervy or nasty. Nothing can beat that.

At the moment, there seems to be a triangle, with the BF being pulled from both directions. His mother texted that not only to express that she doesn't want to buy a gift, she is also saying she does this for her son (that is, trying to win his sympathy or trust.) Otherwise, she too would do this gracefully without saying anything, like a virtuous act. When we speak about virtous acts, they are not virtuous anymore because they bring additional profit. At the moment, hers is more like marketing her goodness to her son.

Get out of this triangle. Start supporting your BF in this virtously, without making the present issue a biggie. But do not have your boundaries crossed by the mother. Do not do things like she does. Do your own positive thing. All will be better. And he will deal with less problems which will give him space to see and recognize the problematic behaviours of the problematic one. Then he can take more action.

I would go and help your bf out and pick up a gift for her. Just because she's being horrible doesn't mean you have to be. Mother in laws can be jerks, one of the guys I dated in my younger years used to always call me by my bf's exe's name (she liked her but not me) and she did it on purpose. I ignored it and just thought to myself that she is the one with the problem, I don't have to lower myself to how she was being or even give her a reaction.

Just be the bigger person, your boyfriend will be grateful and will appreciate more the fact that one of the women in his life isn't a total ass.

1. Seeing you are not married, she is not your MIL.

2. Getting her a gift is your boyfriend's job, not yours. It is ultra generous if you etvyer something, but it isn't not expected due to current relations.

There. Problem solved. Stop worrying over things that are not within your control and just enjoy the holidays!

Just be the bigger person, your boyfriend will be grateful and will appreciate more the fact that one of the women in his life isn't a total ass.

Exactly. Show your bf that you can rise above his Mother's crap.

Think of it as actually helping your bf, not that you are getting her a gift.

Your bf will be very grateful for your help with this.

He could order something online and save the hassle and time of going to a store. Suggest he do that. If I was you I would not put mysel out to by his mother a gift after what she said about you/

Why is your boyfriend even involving you? He is not a child, he is more than capable of getting his mom a gift. You aren't his wife, that isn't your responsibility at all. If need be tell him to put your name on the card, and then drop it altogether.

I wouldn't even be making this an issue. I would stay out of it and if he says anything tell him to log on to Amazon and get her something.

Thanks for your advise. I actually picked something up from the store on my way home tonight, it was a small gift that I knew she would like.

After she was so mean, I was just really certain that I would never do anything to help her again, but like you said I'm helping him and not her. Thanks again

Thanks for your advise. I actually picked something up from the store on my way home tonight, it was a small gift that I knew she would like.

After she was so mean, I was just really certain that I would never do anything to help her again, but like you said I'm helping him and not her. Thanks again

 

Yup. If you had ALWAYS gotten her a gift from both of you, sign both. If gifts have always been just from him, not a time to start adding you name. If you always got her a joint gift, stopping so abruptly would stoke the flames.