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HELP.. How do I save my relationship and assert boundaries.


LOstinluv

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I have been with my boyfriend for a year. He is 28, I am 23.He is loving, passionate, attentive and considerate. He is also torn between a great ambition and familial pressure to settle down. Honestly, I'm real easy going I am happy for us to just build together and marriage will come at a God designed time but he is really banging on about the matter.

 

2 weeks ago we had an argument about his dislike of someone and how I needed to dislike the person also. It got really heated, we nearly broke up and we both broke down in front of eachother. Since then I feel he has grown increasingly insure,defensive, aggressive, unwittingly disrespectful and has adopted this 'I am the man, my word is law' attitude. Things are not like this all the time though its been a rollercoaster. His behaviour confuses me; it is very hot and cold.

Firstly, my boyfriend has a tendency to be stingy and somewhat selfish with money but will spenduncapped on himself (fair enough its his money). My problem is he often feels uneasy to spend on me unless it is food. There have been two failed 'baby let me take you shopping' attempts where the ratio of £ spent on him compared to the deliberation he does when buying me an item.I have no problem spending on him its one of the ways I show and receive love. I addressed this with him and he became defensive and angry saying I was beingtoo money conscious. I suggested we have no financial expectations of each other moving forward ( after all he felt that in marriage we should divide all expenses in half and if I default in payment weshould keep receipt so that the debt can later be settled... OMG who does that?) After our agreement Iwake up to a call from him abouthaving deposited funds in my account!!!

What point was he trying to prove? what happened to financial independence?

Anyway things went on great from then but the rollercoaster continued. I took him out to eat 2 days ago and after the date he basically put the money back in my account andturned it intoa nice romantic evening (romance is something I'd communicated to him as lacking in our relationship; he is a very practical person naturally). I woke up yesterday feeling that we were on a high but he shattered the whole fairy tale. He sent some texts I hadn't read, then called and demanded why I hadn't replied his message. He Then proceeded to insist I go take a Morning after as he had changed his mind about having kids nowand getting married next year (he had previously asked me to go off birth control; I of course didn't as I wasn't ready; I want to get married before kids) imagine he profusely denied ever saying such ( He is fond of conveniently forgetting things that are not conducive to any argument he wants to have an upper hand on).Usually we would end the call heatedly and I would ignore his calls for a while but this time I wanted to be mature and discuss things so I pointed out how histone, request and forcefulnessmade me feel and howit showed his true nature and how God did not make me gullible enough to buy into his 'Baby jokes' (as he now said he was only joking).Clearly feeling guilthe started calling and texting excessively through out the day, asking step by step detailslike'where are you? Are you at dinner yet? hows it going? are you home? I went to see your aunty, did she tell you?I sent you a video of where I am.. ect'. He went as far as checking my last post on social media then calling to say he didn't like a post that seemed too revealing beforecasually declaring how much he loved me and how he's so happy to be in love again. Is this not emotional manipulation? Well I pointed that out and he responded saying that when he is in love be becomes controlling and possessive. I had just readan articleon declaring boundaries in order to ensure mutual respect so I pointed out to him that I know how I want to be treated in a relationship and that I won't tolerate such a mode of affection, he of course became defensive saying there is nothing wrong withthat; he will not change, will not stop shouting at me as that is his voiceand what will I do in that case?!

He has turned into something else...

We are great friends, I don't want to leave him but I do need to nip this new found behaviour in the bud. What do you advice I do?

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Unfortunately about a yr in you are seeing the real him. These are warning signs that you are not compatible and he may be controlling and moody.

 

If you are already fiercely fighting about money and friends and it's already a "roller coaster" after just dating a year it will only get worse.

 

Why is he depositing money in your account? That doesn't "just happen" without his knowing your banking info that he got from you. What "fairy tale" did he "shatter"? it sounds like he's reacting to your persistence that he's cheap.

 

With things being this combative and unstable do not go off birth control. You are not even engaged so why believe getting married is coming anytime soon? It's only been a yr and you are grossly incompatible on almost every level. Do you live together?

I have been with my boyfriend for a year. He is 28, I am 23. he has grown increasingly insure,defensive, aggressive, unwittingly disrespectful and has adopted this 'I am the man, my word is law' attitude. its been a rollercoaster. His behaviour confuses me; it is very hot and cold.

Iwake up to a call from him abouthaving deposited funds in my account!!! I woke up yesterday feeling that we were on a high but he shattered the whole fairy tale. he had changed his mind about having kids nowand getting married next year he had previously asked me to go off birth control

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Unfortunately about a yr in you are seeing the real him. These are warning signs that you are not compatible and he may be controlling and moody.

 

If you are already fiercely fighting about money and friends and it's already a "roller coaster" after just dating a year it will only get worse.

 

Why is he depositing money in your account? That doesn't "just happen" without his knowing your banking info that he got from you. What "fairy tale" did he "shatter"? it sounds like he's reacting to your persistence that he's cheap.

 

With things being this combative and unstable do not go off birth control. You are not even engaged so why believe getting married is coming anytime soon? It's only been a yr and you are grossly incompatible on almost every level. Do you live together?

 

Its been like this for 2weeks only but I guess I don't know if its the real him like you said or if its due to the events of the argument. I would like to know what steps can be taken to at least try to work on it?

 

We both have each others account details already like he could ask to transfer money so I could help him get something and vice versa.

We don't live together he has asked but I don't want to live with my partner till marriage. I do try and stay over 1 or 2 nights a week as a compromise.

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Pull back and make it clear what behaviors you will and will not stand for. STOP TRYING TO GET PREGNANT. And stop talking about marriage. You are pushing way too hard for way too much too soon.

 

Stop mingling finances as another way to push forward "acting married". You pay for your things and expenses and he pays for his. You are only dating so act that way.

I would like to know what steps can be taken to at least try to work on it?
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Oh man. He sounds EXTREMELY controlling and manipulating.

 

You don't HAVE to be with anyone especially if you don't like how you're treated. He is not very receptive to your basic needs such as not being yelled at. I wouldn't take it either. Mutual respect is a pretty big deal to me anyways.

 

This is not the world you are asking. It's basic respect. The fact that he is not open to change in the least explains a lot.

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His controlling behaviors will only increase as your relationship develops.

 

Trust that this IS THE REAL HIM.

 

Does he have your password to your bank account? Change it immediately.

 

Move on -run - from this relationship- he has the classic signs of an abuser: charming and sweet at first, and controlling later on. He may even become apologetic and contrite after a fight, but will slip right back into that behavior the next time.

 

It will not get better in the long run. It will only get worse.

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I'm noting the trend between this post and your last, where a focal point has been that he has money but he either doesn't spend enough on you or he doesn't spend it the way you'd like him to.

 

Not to be curt, but it really sounds to me like you see this guy as potential sugar daddy / provider material, and you're struggling to figure out how to finagle this to get him to come around. That's truly the only reason I could think of for you putting up with this level of controlling and manipulative behavior on his end.

 

You talk about "nipping this at the bud," but you posted a very similar thread back in August. Seems as though that time has long past and it's now time to take into account the fact this is who he is-- financial habits, controlling issues, and all.

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Here is a good article on the signs of an abuser. While some of it may not apply to you, it seems like 4, 5, and 6 fit your situation.

 

I spent years in a relationship where my ex had me fooled and manipulated. When he was unhappy, it always was stated as my fault. I tried so hard to change for him, and to always see the good in him. The good was there, but so was the disfunction and the tendency to blame.

 

After he broke up I really began to see how I was caught up in the lies and manipulation, even though there were good times . It took a long time to heal.

 

 

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Have you found him easy to work with in the past ? Does he respond well to discussion and suggestions and compromise?

 

Yes, we have previously had great communication and compromised for eachother. Once you say something to him he takes it in and maybe not immediately but with time his conscience will direct him to do the right thing.

But the past 2 weeks has been so different. That's why I feel he maybe over compensating maybe for crying to me. I don't know.

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Pull back and make it clear what behaviors you will and will not stand for. STOP TRYING TO GET PREGNANT. And stop talking about marriage. You are pushing way too hard for way too much too soon.

 

Stop mingling finances as another way to push forward "acting married". You pay for your things and expenses and he pays for his. You are only dating so act that way.

 

Thanks for taking your time to advice.

 

But I do think you read it wrong.. I'm the relaxed one who doesn't want kids or the marriage too soon. But he wants to have the traditional relationship just not where money is concerned and I don't believe that's fair. TBH I've dropped the finance issue now I'm more concerned with dealing with this new behaviour.

 

So does everyone agree that pulling back and creating distance would help?

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I'm noting the trend between this post and your last, where a focal point has been that he has money but he either doesn't spend enough on you or he doesn't spend it the way you'd like him to.

 

Not to be curt, but it really sounds to me like you see this guy as potential sugar daddy / provider material, and you're struggling to figure out how to finagle this to get him to come around. That's truly the only reason I could think of for you putting up with this level of controlling and manipulative behavior on his end.

 

You talk about "nipping this at the bud," but you posted a very similar thread back in August. Seems as though that time has long past and it's now time to take into account the fact this is who he is-- financial habits, controlling issues, and all.

 

Ohh dear... I don't mean to come across as that. That's not the case at all. Its a cultural thing to begin with, we are both Nigerian. I am quite liberal when I spend on him most of my black Friday shopping was 80% him. I just often wonder why he doesn't feel like that about me. Him, my mum, aunt and girls support the whole traditional, cook and 'play your role mentality' but then why isn't he playing his financial part also... everything else he is great... but why is that so hard for him?

 

Since the last post we seriously connected and he stopped being like that... he became the man I wanted hence why I hadn't even remembered what things were like before its only these past 2 weeks now that its been this way.

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I don't relate to this one person taking the other person shopping as a joint activity. I can see if you need his input on a major purchase he can come and give input (or you can text him photos) but it sounds forced on your end -you want him to prove to you that he will spend enough $ on you.

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Ohh dear... I don't mean to come across as that. That's not the case at all. Its a cultural thing to begin with, we are both Nigerian. I am quite liberal when I spend on him most of my black Friday shopping was 80% him. I just often wonder why he doesn't feel like that about me. Him, my mum, aunt and girls support the whole traditional, cook and 'play your role mentality' but then why isn't he playing his financial part also... everything else he is great... but why is that so hard for him?

 

Since the last post we seriously connected and he stopped being like that... he became the man I wanted hence why I hadn't even remembered what things were like before its only these past 2 weeks now that its been this way.

Again, I read this and only see you trying to manipulate the relationship to get him to be the provider you wish he'd be.

 

How much of a dollar value difference would it be between you spending 80% on him and him spending 80% on you? You buy him these things expecting a proportionate return and I have to say I don't blame him for taking a hard-lined stance on keeping things financially separate. He seems to be the more liberal one in this picture.

 

Now, that's not to disregard the many other faults of his you detailed, namely his controlling behavior, but if it's pretty obvious to the above two posters and myself that you seem eager to put the cart before the horse and that you expect him to include you financially like he would if you were at home cooking and taking care of the kids without there actually being marriage or kids currently in the picture, you can only imagine how aware he is of it.

 

Fact of the matter is he very obviously has no inclination to provide for you. My advice would be to stop holding out and trying to finagle the relationship so that he "becomes the man you want him to be" and to find someone else.

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Fact of the matter is he very obviously has no inclination to provide for you. My advice would be to stop holding out and trying to finagle the relationship so that he "becomes the man you want him to be" and to find someone else.

 

The truth is that I'm not quit ready to let go of the relationship. I have been trying to slowly create distance at least to gain clarity and evaluate some the points you've all raised especially about myself. But he is now calming down and improving his behaviour. Now I'm not sure how long it will last or if its true understanding.

 

But from this thread I think a take home message is that I do need to see my own faults and improve on that first. I just won't succumb to entertaining his conversations of marriage and money. Because clearly it hold more water with me than him.

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