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How to deal if he doesn't make the trip?


Person1001

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I have been having insecurities w/my LDR. One reoccurring root of stress is his upcoming visit over here, which is in a few weeks. Due to money issues, he hasn't booked the tickets and in a couple days the plane tickets will double or triple in price. We talked about his trip over 2 months ago and I have mentioned it (not bringing up again) and the last chat we had he was coming closer to buy the tickets. I know already if he doesn't make it out, it will be a blow to my self esteem, plus I will consider whether the relationship is worth continuing. How would you deal w/your SO if this happened to you? I know he cares about me because when I brought up our lack of communication and how stressed I was, he started trying harder.

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How long have you been dating and how many in person dates have you had? If it were me I'd be done - and if the reason was money I'd want him to be honest with me. Long distance relationships often are expensive. Mine was. We were lucky because we often had business trips to our respective cities but going into the last we knew our goals (eventual marriage and family) and our commitment to seeing each regularly. I never would have agreed to long distance if we hadn't dated in the pat and known each other very well. See if he behaves reliably and if not I'd talk with him one more time and likely move on. Sorry this is disappointing.

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Have you discussed any of this with him? You say he's always short on money, so do you think he is stalling the visit until, he can afford it?

I started a long distance w/a guy I met on a dating site, we have been dating almost 6 months. For the record we have met

Here is what makes me doubtful

-He takes forever to text back, sometimes a whole day, he just drops out of the convo. Then again he has always been like this and even told me he sucks at texting. Currently he is working few hours and he is not studying. I mentioned it to him before and it has gotten slightly better.

-He is visiting very soon and has yet to buy plane tickets (the price is creeping up) and if he waits long enough the prices will be 2x or 3x the price they are now, he has the time off and all the other arrangements are taken care of.

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How long have you been dating and how many in person dates have you had? If it were me I'd be done - and if the reason was money I'd want him to be honest with me. Long distance relationships often are expensive. Mine was. We were lucky because we often had business trips to our respective cities but going into the last we knew our goals (eventual marriage and family) and our commitment to seeing each regularly. I never would have agreed to long distance if we hadn't dated in the pat and known each other very well. See if he behaves reliably and if not I'd talk with him one more time and likely move on. Sorry this is disappointing.

 

I have known him for about 5 months, I have been down to visit twice because I have more flexibility and the 1st visit was only for a day. I can understand his struggle, but then again if you truly care for someone you will do just about anything for them, you will find the means. We have the same goals about what we want in life and we have briefly discussed being closer.

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Have you discussed any of this with him? You say he's always short on money, so do you think he is stalling the visit until, he can afford it?

 

Yes I have discussed w/him my anxiety and he has mentioned that he needs to collect money. If he stalls any longer, he def won't be able to afford tickets.

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Don't rush him if he has to pay, airfares go up and down all the time.

 

True they do, but once they go up, they don't really come down, especially if you are trying to book only 1 or 2 weeks in advance. I actually had to push our 1st meet date forward 2 or 3 times because the airfare got very expensive.

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If he wants to come and can afford it he will. It sounds like you are panicking that he may not visit?

True they do, but once they go up, they don't really come down, especially if you are trying to book only 1 or 2 weeks in advance. I actually had to push our 1st meet date forward 2 or 3 times because the airfare got very expensive.
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I'm in a LDR. If he was unable to come here due to bad planning or money issues, I wouldn't take it as a blow to my self-esteem because this is about his organizational skills, not me. It could be pretty frustrating though if I had foreseen the problem. I would deal with this by hearing his side first. I mean, does he really regret what happened or does this not affect him much? If he is genuinely sad about not being able to see me due to this, I would support him in organizing stuff better next time or sort out the tickets myself. (And we share travel costs no matter who is travelling where although at first he wanted to pay for everything.) If this is a general lack of emotional interest, I would think about this differently. But again, self-esteem should be independent or significantly independent from what others do or don't. If you are very anxious, have a plan B ready for the day.

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You are on here every other day with problems with this guy. CLEARLY IT IS NOT WORKING!!!!!

 

His actions demonstrate that he does not intend on coming out. Please drop this guy and find someone local.

 

Actually, I think it's more like every day. He doesn't communicate enough, he doesn't text or doesn't text back quickly enough, he's being distant, she's worried about this or that...

 

OP, are you sure you're cut out for a long-distance relationship? It sure seems to cause you daily stress and anxiety.

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Actually, I think it's more like every day. He doesn't communicate enough, he doesn't text or doesn't text back quickly enough, he's being distant, she's worried about this or that...

 

OP, are you sure you're cut out for a long-distance relationship? It sure seems to cause you daily stress and anxiety.

 

Actually the communication has gotten a lot better after I told him how it makes me feel. I don't think its distance, I just don't want to fall for another guy who isn't interested in me.

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It sounds like your intuition is telling you that this is not working. You've already traveled to see him twice, while at this time my guess is he's stalling this visit.

 

As others have said long distance can be difficult to manage. In short, if he's a no-show with this visit, you pretty much have your answer. JMO...

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Actually the communication has gotten a lot better after I told him how it makes me feel. I don't think its distance, I just don't want to fall for another guy who isn't interested in me.

 

 

12/7/2016

 

 

12/3/2016

 

 

11/29/2016

 

 

11/21/2016

 

 

11/12/2016

 

This is a lot of posts in the space of less than one month.

 

I'm not trying to pick on you, truly I am not. But it seems like the challenges of a long distance relationship (which has been long distance from day one, correct?) may be too much for you.

 

I mean, he could follow through with the visit as promised. But will you be able to handle it when he goes back home and his communication is not as much as you'd like? Or if he says he's going to bed, will you think he's lying? Will you continue to doubt his interest in you?

 

To me it seems like an awful lot of questioning and anxiety for such a new relationship.

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To me it seems like an awful lot of questioning and anxiety for such a new relationship.

I totally agree. Barely 5 months in and nothing but full-on angst every single day, over one thing or another. It sounds so exhausting, desperate, clingy, needy, smothering. None of this sounds like a lot of fun, happy, content times.

 

OP: have you ever considered counseling/therapy to help you overcome your insecurity and anxiety? I think you should fully work on all of these issues before getting involved in a relationship.

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This is not about the challenges of an LDR- not really. This is about the poster knowing that he is not as into her as she is to him. My sense is that even if he lived locally he'd continue to sit back and let her make most/all of the effort. Having said that, I did write that LDR require a large financial commitment and, OP, I asked if you two have the same goals with respect to each other, not generally. If you've only seen him twice in 5 months you've had one real date so you are not in any relationship yet- you're barely "dating". He's someone you talk to who's said nice words about reciprocating your efforts at visiting him twice. The relationship you have with him is pen pal and someone you met twice in person. Don't try to convince yourself it's anything but.

 

My friend deluded herself like this for years -met the guy twice in 2-3 years "the heart wants what the heart wants" -that's when she was in her early 40s. She met her husband in her late 40s and claimed to be "in love" but it's obvious she settled and knew he was not a good person. And then she was too old to conceive a child and too poor to pursue adoption (because he got sued for causing great property damage to several people) - so now she is bitter and angry and he is negative/fat/in poor health. Get out now and be honest with yourself about what you want in a relationship (or whether you want a real relationship).

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Just want to add it's unrealistic to think that if he really cared he would "find a way".

 

If he's financially strapped and cannot afford a ticket, he can't afford it. There's not much more he can do...it's just the reality of a distance relationship, the economy and his financial wellbeing. Doesn't meant he doesn't want to visit you, he might not have a choice.

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Just want to add it's unrealistic to think that if he really cared he would "find a way".

 

If he's financially strapped and cannot afford a ticket, he can't afford it. There's not much more he can do...it's just the reality of a distance relationship, the economy and his financial wellbeing. Doesn't meant he doesn't want to visit you, he might not have a choice.

 

If he really cared and knew he couldn't he'd tell her that he was not able to do an LDR right now because it's not in his budget and he would set her free to move on. Or I suppose she could offer to pay but that might not be a dynamic either of them is comfortable with.

 

$ is the reality of a distance relationship. They are not in a distance relationship - my guess is she thinks they are and he likes the attention and the pen pal/chat buddy friendship interactions - so he probably didn't save his $ to go visit her or borrow or look into that (or tell her months ago it wasn't possible financially). They've met twice. She visited him twice. If they see each other again and they plan on how to see each other regularly and actually do that then they will be in a relationship that happens to be long distance. She is getting too invested in a near stranger -which, for purposes of a romantic relationship,he is.

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If he really cared and knew he couldn't he'd tell her that he was not able to do an LDR right now because it's not in his budget and he would set her free to move on. Or I suppose she could offer to pay but that might not be a dynamic either of them is comfortable with.

 

$ is the reality of a distance relationship. They are not in a distance relationship - my guess is she thinks they are and he likes the attention and the pen pal/chat buddy friendship interactions - so he probably didn't save his $ to go visit her or borrow or look into that (or tell her months ago it wasn't possible financially). They've met twice. She visited him twice. If they see each other again and they plan on how to see each other regularly and actually do that then they will be in a relationship that happens to be long distance. She is getting too invested in a near stranger -which, for purposes of a romantic relationship,he is.

 

The saga will continue tomorrow.

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You are on here every other day with problems with this guy. CLEARLY IT IS NOT WORKING!!!!!

 

His actions demonstrate that he does not intend on coming out. Please drop this guy and find someone local.

 

I agree. I don't think your current strategy of not taking advice and worrying about everything he does/doesn't do is very effective.

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