Tough breakup need a fix

I've been broken up with my ex for about a month now. The biggest reason was because she felt stressed by me constantly bringing up issues. Looking back at it now I see that the issues weren't even that big and me and her did have a good thing going asides from me knit picking.

Since we've broken up I tried to convince her to come back to no avail in promises of changing for the better. We've gone through no contact on and off, the longest being around 4 days. I've been the one to break NC each time. I have been working on myself as far as working out more, listening to positive lectures, going out with friends and have tried to show her. Today was her bday, I took her out to eat and took her shopping. I feel as though I showed her an improved, light hearted version of my older self. At the end of the date I dropped her home and called her afterwards and told her that I feel as though we should try again. She insists that she still wants me to focus and work on myself because even though she had a great time with me she feels like my vibe is the same as before and she doesn't feel like I'm currently the strong person that she needs. She said she feels like I'm really low energy and that I have spirit but she feels like I lost my soul. I then told her that I will continue to work on myself.

The thing is I feel like if I don't contact her she won't contact me and we will slowly become strangers. I also feel as though she will move on if I don't "fix" myself in a timely manner. The one issue that I believe I tackled was the worrying part, I don't feel as though I have to worry and stress about every single aspect of the relationship. As far as the soul part, I've always been a person who keeps my emotions inside for the most part, I'm not overly expressive. Mostly due to the fact that I tend to care too much about how the outside world will judge me. And lastly I did show a lot of weakness by not wanting to let go of the relationship when she was strick about wanting a break. In the month we've been apart I've given her several gifts (apple watch, camera, headphones, flowers on two occasions, wine, perfume, lipstick, chocolate, etc), all in which she has accepted but hasn't changed anything.

I am humbly writing to say that I don't know what to do as far as further fixing myself and getting her back. I understand fixing myself is most important.

Are you familiar with the concept of emotional memory? I've seen relationships end even when someone changes, because the person is still viewed through the lens of past behavior. The best thing you could do for yourself and for her is go no contact and stick with it for more than 4 days. Give her a chance to miss you and clear the resentment buffer a bit. You can change completely, but she might not see the difference unless she is without you for a period of time. It's a risky strategy, but what you're doing isn't working, so why not try something new? No contact could also help you get ready to move on if that's the eventual outcome.

4 days is not really NC. All those gifts....how is that showing her that you will stop nit picking and that you are working on your core underlying issues that lead you to nit pick her and your relationship to death in the first place? It doesn't. It actually comes across as just you trying to buy your way back in. Add to it that you have a one good date night and you expect her to come back. I can totally see how she said no way to that. She is being quite sensible.

In her shoes, what would perhaps convince me is you seeing a therapist and working on your issues for real. Spending all that money where you can actually gain tangible improvement. Even with that, I wouldn't exactly fall swooning into your arms. I'd wait to see that changes are real and that they stick and you don't just instantly revert to same old same old the second we are back together.

Sorry but she shouldn't be stringing you along. She's accepting dates and gifts but continues to say "no, you still need work". It sounds like she's milking the situation.

4 days is not really NC. All those gifts....how is that showing her that you will stop nit picking and that you are working on your core underlying issues that lead you to nit pick her and your relationship to death in the first place? It doesn't. It actually comes across as just you trying to buy your way back in. Add to it that you have a one good date night and you expect her to come back. I can totally see how she said no way to that. She is being quite sensible.

 

In her shoes, what would perhaps convince me is you seeing a therapist and working on your issues for real. Spending all that money where you can actually gain tangible improvement. Even with that, I wouldn't exactly fall swooning into your arms. I'd wait to see that changes are real and that they stick and you don't just instantly revert to same old same old the second we are back together.

Yea, I have thought of a therapist but I was hoping for an alternate way. I know I'm not broken, I just feel so horrible that I allowed the relationship to get this way on account of me being overwhelming to a degree.. Me losing her for even a couple of days showed me that she's more important that a petty grievance.. But now it's like I'm fighting my way from the bottom and seem to be making no ground.. I did do a lot as far as gifts but this was at the time when she wouldn't talk or respond to me, so my only medium in my mind was to do sweet things for her and send her some of the bday gifts I had previously promised to her early.. Which she loved but like I said hasn't changed anything, not saying that I thought it would because I know the most important issue was me changing

I know I'm not broken

You don't have to be broken to benefit from therapy.

But now it's like I'm fighting my way from the bottom and seem to be making no ground

Do you realize that you are fighting with your past self (the guy who created the resentment she is feeling)? Perhaps it's time to stop fighting and start aligning around who you really want to be. Otherwise these issues could follow you into your next relationship.

You don't need to be mentally ill to seek therapy. Therapist aren't licensed to handle mental illness anyway, psychiatrist are for that. The point of going to get some counseling is to sort yourself out and get help heading into the right direction. A bit like a version of a coach, except it's for you rather than sports.

You don't need to be mentally ill to seek therapy. Therapist aren't licensed to handle mental illness anyway, psychiatrist are for that. The point of going to get some counseling is to sort yourself out and get help heading into the right direction. A bit like a version of a coach, except it's for you rather than sports.

You're right about that.. Would the "experts" on this site be considered therapists?

Do you realize that you are fighting with your past self (the guy who created the resentment she is feeling)? Perhaps it's time to stop fighting and start aligning around who you really want to be. Otherwise these issues could follow you into your next relationship.

Yea I have been realizing that my fighting has been in vain.. I was just swinging because I felt she would come around and also the thought of her moving on kills me.. But you're right, what I've been doing hasn't been and isn't helping..

You're right about that.. Would the "experts" on this site be considered therapists?

This site is a good place to get a variety of viewpoints, but it's no substitute for counseling

I think she is wrong to accept all those gifts because that is giving you hope. you seem to be wanting to change, for her, and thats the wrong reason.

its impossible for you to move on while there is still hope. so first you need to reach a point where you accept that perhaps you are not meant to be together. the reasons dont really matter tbh, could be her, could be you, could be both of you, but just reach a point where you can try to let go.

please dont buy any more gifts unless they are for yourself. take some time apart so you can look at yourself objectively because at the moment you are only seeing yourself through her eyes and maybe thats not being fair on yourself.

you are coming accross as needy, not becaus you ARE needy, but her behaviour is causing you to feel that, by accepting your gifts, going out, and then saying 'no not enough, you need to do x,y,z' no, you dont need to do jack... if someone wants to be with you they will either work on it with you or they WILL be with you. you cant convince them and you will destroy your self esteem trying.

so take a step back, stop trying, and focus on what you like about yourself. you sound like a decent guy and loads of women would love to be with someone who is clearly very giving so focus on yourself, not her.

it hurts, but it will hurt less the more you begin to focus on you. thats the 'fix' xx

lastly i just want to add... you can never 'get someone back' its a myth, a bad one really because it gives the impression that somehow we have the power to make someone else do something. we dont, the only power we have is over ourselves. just be yourself, be who you want to be, if she comes back it will be of her own accord and because she wants to and if she doesnt then she wasnt going to anyway, so the sooner you start focusing on yourself the happier you will be.

deep down you know this, we all do really, but when youre hurting its hard to let go... but to let go you have to stop hanging on

I think she is wrong to accept all those gifts because that is giving you hope. you seem to be wanting to change, for her, and thats the wrong reason.

 

its impossible for you to move on while there is still hope. so first you need to reach a point where you accept that perhaps you are not meant to be together. the reasons dont really matter tbh, could be her, could be you, could be both of you, but just reach a point where you can try to let go.

 

please dont buy any more gifts unless they are for yourself. take some time apart so you can look at yourself objectively because at the moment you are only seeing yourself through her eyes and maybe thats not being fair on yourself.

 

you are coming accross as needy, not becaus you ARE needy, but her behaviour is causing you to feel that, by accepting your gifts, going out, and then saying 'no not enough, you need to do x,y,z' no, you dont need to do jack... if someone wants to be with you they will either work on it with you or they WILL be with you. you cant convince them and you will destroy your self esteem trying.

 

so take a step back, stop trying, and focus on what you like about yourself. you sound like a decent guy and loads of women would love to be with someone who is clearly very giving so focus on yourself, not her.

 

it hurts, but it will hurt less the more you begin to focus on you. thats the 'fix' xx

 

lastly i just want to add... you can never 'get someone back' its a myth, a bad one really because it gives the impression that somehow we have the power to make someone else do something. we dont, the only power we have is over ourselves. just be yourself, be who you want to be, if she comes back it will be of her own accord and because she wants to and if she doesnt then she wasnt going to anyway, so the sooner you start focusing on yourself the happier you will be.

 

deep down you know this, we all do really, but when youre hurting its hard to let go... but to let go you have to stop hanging on

Thanks, this makes a lot of sense. You're right I do know what I should do but it's hard to let it go without me knowing that I've tried everything.. But now I'm at the point where I do feel like I've done everything that I can do.. I do want to change not just for her though. I want to change for my sake, she made me aware of some negative things I was unconsciously doing..

But you are also right, her accepting those gifts from me did give me hope.. Yesterday was her bday and as I stated earlier I gave her plenty gifts in the weeks leading up to her bday and told her they were early bday gifts since I wasn't sure if I would see her on her bday.. When we were driving to the restaurant she told me that I have spoiled her so much by giving her "just because" gifts that she was looking forward to getting something today as well.. I do believe that she was being a bit tongue in cheek, but I still took her to the mall nonetheless in plans of getting her a winter coat.. She didn't see one that she liked so she went to Victoria Secret and sephora and picked up items that totalled up to $500+.. In my mind I do believe that she will gladly accept whatever I'm willing to buy her no matter what our current state is..