Bunny1 Posted December 9, 2016 Share Posted December 9, 2016 I've never asked for help or done this before so i don't know where to start but here it goes. I have been in a relationship for around 20 months we also lived together. Occasionally we'd argue like any other couple in the world, I've got son who's 12 who isn't my exes but came to love, as every parent knows couples argue playing the good cop bad cop thing. And lately the arguments came more frequently not just about this but other little things that snow balled into something bigger. It's only been a day but a few days ago we were at his mothers house having a few drinks and having a good time the next morning I've woken up to hear his sister and brother in law come in so naturally I've jumped out of bed so I didn't seem ignorant, hungover and feeling rather dizzy I've walked into the sitting room and couldn't walk round the coffee table to take a seat so I've raised my legs over the arm of the chair and hop on the settee and lay down, but my exes sisters boyfriend was sitting on the same settee and I went at the back of him with my head away from him and feet at the back of him, I didn't see anything wrong with this as it was completely innocent, then yesterday when me and ex went to his mams she told us my exes sisters boyfriend felt uncomfortable and didn't like me, my ex flipped and shout and balled at me saying his sister wouldn't never forgive me and it was over between me and him he told me he wasn't gonna be with someone who his family don't like even though I get on with his sister so well and his mam ( his mam told me today she grew close to me and would be there for me ) he does have a bad temper and says things he doesn't mean all the time but I didn't mean anything by it and certainly didn't mean to make anyone feel uncomfortable. I have since spoken to my exes sister and told her if I made him feel uncomfortable then I'm sorry and that was never my intention she's told me to forget about it she didn't say anything it was her boyfriend and thought he was over reacting and to try and speak to her brother again and try and sort it out. But I'm unsure he can be very hurtful with his words and very stubborn my exes sister has also spoken to him and he told her we've been arguing a lot lately anyway ( excuse???? ) I booked and paid for a hotel ( before we split ) so we could sort our selfs out and talk and yesterday when we split he shouted at me and told me to take someone else and that he wasn't going I paid a lot of money for it and can't get a refund I'm gutted..... what can I do I do love him with all my heart but I don't know whether I'm wasting my time because it seems like he's coming out with excuses as to why we've split eg we've been arguing anyway, he told me he loved me the day before split then with in 24 hours he doesn't want to know because of that with his sister.... should I message him or just leave it we've split before and we've sorted things out and he came back but this time it seems so final he came to get his things while I was at work as I packed them like i said I would but he's packed his things before and that split was over something that should of split us up but we spoke and sorted it out and we split over this??? Never herd anything so stupid in mu life. I've not herd from him but his sister keeps telling me to try and talk to him she doesn't see any harm in what I did by jumping over the settee then why can't he??? I know he can get angry at the slightest thing but surely jumping over a settee and lying down doesn't mean you've got to end a relationship I just don't know what to do. Link to comment
gebaird Posted December 9, 2016 Share Posted December 9, 2016 It seems like this is about much more than an unfortunate moment on a settee. I suspect that was just the straw that broke the camel's back. It honestly sounds like this relationship is dysfunctional. Happy couples don't split and pack their stuff multiple times throughout a relationship -- they're either in or out, none of this on again/off again stuff. I'm sorry you are going through this, and I hope you can find healing in time. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted December 9, 2016 Share Posted December 9, 2016 Sorry to hear this. Let things cool down. Stop contacting him and his family. He's threatened to leave and left before? What are the arguments about? It sounds like you don't get along. Do you really want yourself and your son exposed to his "bad temper" or "mean words" or chronic fighting or him leaving when he's mad? Where is the boy's father? Can he spend time living with his father for a more stable environment, if you take this guy back? I've got son who's 12 . lately the arguments came more frequently not just about this but other little things . he does have a bad temper. he told her we've been arguing a lot lately anyway. he came back but this time it seems so final he came to get his things while I was at work as Link to comment
Bunny1 Posted December 9, 2016 Author Share Posted December 9, 2016 It seems like this is about much more than an unfortunate moment on a settee. I suspect that was just the straw that broke the camel's back. It honestly sounds like this relationship is dysfunctional. Happy couples don't split and pack their stuff multiple times throughout a relationship -- they're either in or out, none of this on again/off again stuff. I'm sorry you are going through this, and I hope you can find healing in time. I completely agree with the on/off again stuff, and honestly that's all it was that day but everyone was in the room when I hop over he settee but yet didn't say anything to me at the time and waited till they left for my exes brother in law to say something to her about it I didn't even touch him whilst I hopped over and lay down. How can you go from loving someone one day to not wanting to be with someone over something so innocent then being horrible while he was angry calling me names and telling me horrible things he is very horrible with words when he's angry then when he calms down he says sorry and was angry and didn't mean it am I just wasting my time here? His sister keeps messaging me telling me to talk to him and keep trying but I haven't even messaged nor tried to speak to him since we last spoke he said " I'm moving back into my mams for abit I'll come for my things I need space to think about what's happening speak tomorrow " but I replied I'll pack your things just leave it and good luck " which he then replied ok I'll come for my things and post the key when I've been to yours " My feelings for him are 100% real but I'm not sure he feels the same and if I am wasting my time and should just forget about him and move on thank you for you honest reply Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted December 9, 2016 Share Posted December 9, 2016 It's not about this one thing it's about anything because you argue chronically and can't get along. How old is he? Why is he moving back to mom's?he said " I'm moving back into my mams for abit I'll come for my things I need space to think about what's happening speak tomorrow " but I replied I'll pack your things just leave it and good luck " which he then replied ok I'll come for my things and post the key when I've been to yours " Link to comment
Bunny1 Posted December 9, 2016 Author Share Posted December 9, 2016 My sons dad hasn't had any contact with his son for over a year I've never stopped him he just isn't bothered. He's left before over something more serious and we've worked it out and put it behind us. We'd argue over little things some times it would be over my son because he would never listen to me and would just do what he wanted and he would tell me I need to put my foot down more but I would try and stick up for my son and try and play down most of what my son did at school hide it in other words because I couldn't be bothered with another argument. I'd get stressed he'd get stressed then we'd argue and he walk out and go and stay at his mothers, but then all this with the settee thing I just can't get my head around it I'm devastated cried non stop at work haven't ate a thing and can't sleep because I actually do love him Link to comment
Bunny1 Posted December 9, 2016 Author Share Posted December 9, 2016 He's 30 years old but still tied to his mam there really close, the house his mam lives in was my exes but she recently split with his dad and went to live there he moved into mine and handed the the house over to her so she would have some where to live Link to comment
gebaird Posted December 9, 2016 Share Posted December 9, 2016 How can you go from loving someone one day to not wanting to be with someone over something so innocent He sounds like a very angry person, and this love/hate stuff is common in unstable relationships. Moving on may be your best option, since you don't know if he's coming back. (If the relationship is toxic, it might be best if he doesn't.) Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted December 9, 2016 Share Posted December 9, 2016 Sorry to say but a live-in bf you only know 20 mos should not be disciplining your child. AT ALL. He has zero say in your child's upbringing. Do you get child support? Ask his real dad to get more involved. Ask your family to spend more time with him especially male relatives. Get help at his school with mentoring and counselling so he can deal with your poor love-life choices. Hopefully you are not so afraid to be alone that you create an awful environment for your boy just so you can have a guy living with you. Sadly a lot of women take abusive men back over and over even at the expense of their own children.We'd argue over little things some times it would be over my son because he would never listen to me and would just do what he wanted and he would tell me I need to put my foot down more but I would try and stick up for my son and try and play down most of what my son did at school hide it in other words because I couldn't be bothered with another argument. Link to comment
Bunny1 Posted December 9, 2016 Author Share Posted December 9, 2016 He sounds like a very angry person, and this love/hate stuff is common in unstable relationships. Moving on may be your best option, since you don't know if he's coming back. (If the relationship is toxic, it might be best if he doesn't.) Maybe your right, I've been in a right state blaming myself Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted December 9, 2016 Share Posted December 9, 2016 This relationship sounds very unhealthy. Multiple break-ups are a sign that you two don't work together. My sense is that he was on his way out anyway, and is using this latest argument as the reason to exit the relationship for good. Something is very wrong when you've been together less than two years and you're already on-and-off like this. Why did you two previously break up? Link to comment
Bunny1 Posted December 9, 2016 Author Share Posted December 9, 2016 He's never disciplined my son that's always been my place not my exes he just told me I needed to put my foot down but in his cruel way then we'd get into an argument about it then after a while I thought I'd play it down just so we wouldn't argue Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted December 9, 2016 Share Posted December 9, 2016 Sorry to hear that. Your priority and only job is to take care of and protect your son. You are fortunate he finally left. Your son is even more fortunate. Now he won't be subjected to crazy arguing and this toxic unstable environment. This guy sounds like an abuser and like he has a drinking or drug habit, true? he just told me I needed to put my foot down but in his cruel way then we'd get into an argument about it Link to comment
Bunny1 Posted December 9, 2016 Author Share Posted December 9, 2016 We previously broke up because I calling him worse then sh*t after an argument out of anger then anything else obviously he herd about it and walked out we never spoke for 4 days then he contacted me and we spoke about everything everything was fine up until last week when he got angry over something which I can't remember and I just went to work and left him to it we can be great for a few months then argue a couple of days and then we'd both get stressed he'd walk out and go to his mam. I know this sounds so pathetic but I do love him but when your in love and can't see it your self and just need it pointed out Link to comment
Bunny1 Posted December 9, 2016 Author Share Posted December 9, 2016 hes not much of a drinker but does smoke you know what and your right me and my son lay in bed together last night watching films and he cuddled me and said " I love it when your this cuddly mam " I had my son at very young age ( 15 ) and I've been a single parent for most of his life and maybe just wanted the family life for myself and my son as my ex wasn't even like this up until his mam and dad split he thinks he can contact me a few days after he's walked out and I have normally caved in but this time I do need to be stronger for my son Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted December 9, 2016 Share Posted December 9, 2016 Excellent. That shows how happy your son is that this jerk hopefully left for good. You can find better men than him in the future, who may even act as better role models to your son one day. Take it very very slow. Don't let just any guy move in after a few months. your right my son lay in bed together last night watching films and he cuddled me and said " I love it when your this cuddly mam " Link to comment
Bunny1 Posted December 9, 2016 Author Share Posted December 9, 2016 Excellent. That shows how happy your son is that this jerk hopefully left for good. You can find better men than him in the future, who may even act as better role models to your son one day. Take it very very slow. Don't let just any guy move in after a few months. I'm not in any fit state to meet anyone now or in the near future, now I know the true meaning of " love is blind " alls I've done since writing on this forum is think of the negativies in our relationship and how horrible he made me feel some times, he knows I don't have any family around me as I've not spoken to them in years and was very close to his mam and he knows that it hurts me when I don't see her I know it's gonna be hard to move on and forget him but if I don't do it now and break the cycle then I'm gonna keep keep felling like this until he's completely broken me down.... thank you for your honest advice I've never done this before and don't have anyone to talk to it's been a weight off my mind Link to comment
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