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Why is it all about SEX?


Chorichori

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I haven't been much of a dater. All of my relationships first started off with me and the person being classmates then friends which then moved to a relationship. I never started with the two people acknowledging they like one another and try to get to know one another with the idea of dating in mind. I started casual dating again and I noticed that a lot of guys just want sex. They say I am beautiful and very attractive which not to sound cocky I do get a lot but I'm more than just a face. I can't find someone who would just want to enjoy my company or do something fun without trying to kiss me or bring me back to their place.

 

I restored to online dating because I realized that I would not meet people unless I looked elsewhere because of my everyday routine of work and school where I am limited to interaction with the opposite sex.

 

Do I continue with dating? should I wait and just finish school then eventually start again? Do I stop using online dating apps? (I also aim for older men. I'm 24 and I PICK guys 26+ but unfortunately even older guys present this issue)

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All you need to do is go much slower and not agree and even suggest Netflix and chill on first meets. Everyone wants sex. Fact of life.

 

However if you state on your profile "casual" you'll be misleading guys that that's all you want. Especially combined with suggesting going to their place hours after meeting.

 

Try not to convince yourself your great beauty only leads to wolves being after you. Most attractive women can and do develop relationships because they are definitive and selective in what they want and don't engage in hookup behaviors.

I am beautiful and very attractive which not to sound cocky I do get a lot
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Online dating is a minefield, and there are definitely guys on those sites who are just looking for sex -- but there are also guys who are looking for committed relationships. The trick is learning to separate the good ones from the bad ones.

 

One thought is to say specifically on your profile that you are looking for a relationship, not a hookup. Also, some guys will send emails to many women and pursue anyone who responds. If someone has actually read your profile and knows what you are looking for, that fact will quickly become apparent in your initial conversation.

 

Another idea might be to actively look for guys on dating sites who look interesting to you (for example, men who say they want a relationship or just want to be friends at first). You could also make a personal "no first date sex" rule and weed out the guys who are looking for an easy lay.

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Try not to convince yourself your great beauty only leads to wolves being after you. Most attractive woman can and do develop relationships because they are definitive and selective in what they want and don't engage in hookup behaviors.

 

Picked up on that too. Really most women are faced with this issue, whether they are considered great beauties or not.

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Dating apps first off are nothing but sites for hook ups. It's a menu for guys to shop around and pick what conquest they want for the evening/day/weekend etc.

 

Secondly, like stated above, most guys look for sex there because it really does work. Also, try going for men based on personality rather than looks which is exactly what you stated above. Plenty of dedicated good men out there that don't quite meet women's standards as far as appearance on the "hotness" scale.

 

I agree that physical attraction is a big part, but women often friend zone the good guys that aren't as attractive as the dirt bags that will use you and bail.

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Maybe dating sites aren't what you should be relying on to get involved?

Yes.. MANY on those sites are users.. because there is such a 'variety' out there for them! *ugh*.

 

I said, months ago....Nothing but players & heartache with those sites.. and also, the success on them is about 20%.. Low.

Yes.. older guys do too.. ALL ages do.. lol. I have met men in their 50's.. and they're the same.. sad, eh!

 

So... throw caution to the wind.. with no high expectations.

 

If you choose to date... eventually they're going to want that.. BUT.. you can push something like that aside a few dates to see IF they really peak your interest and if they are also wanting more than just that.

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I would guess the last date you went on when the D bag got all handsy has caused you to see dating in a very negative way. That guy isn't all men, he was totally out of line.

 

First off don't be in such a rush to meet them. Exchange some messages to gauge interest. If all a guy does is gush over how hot you are move on to the next guy. If they can send a well worded and spelled message with genuine information about themselves and questions about you with substance then consider meeting for coffee ONLY. Then after you meet them think about if you would like to see them again. There is no rush so slow it way down.

 

Next pony up real money for a paid dating site, no free apps as your chances of meeting a guy that wants a serious relationship are very slim.

 

If you want a relationship say so on your profile. I wouldn't state "friends first" but you can state you want to take things slow to get to know each other better. Real decent guys looking for a relationship don't want to date you as a friend hoping you will decide you want more than friendship some time down the line, they want to know you want what they want but are willing to take it at a pace you are comfortable with.

 

If you are that beautiful you have a lot of options so why don't you control your own destiny and message a man that you find interesting.

 

Lost

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Believe it or not but on Match when I was on Match a year ago I got a lot of creepy older guys in their 50's messaging me with sexual things right off the bat! I was surprised because I thought those guys would be wanting to settle down, not be hornier then a 16 year old! LOL Just do what I do..keep blocking and like the others suggested go on your wording differently in your profile. Not all men are bad on online! A lot of them actually want to settle down and find love. Also vice versa my best friend he told me a lot of woman from different ages just want a "hook up" and that is all! He wants to settle down! So it goes both ways!

 

Good luck,

 

Lisa

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Believe it or not but on Match when I was on Match a year ago I got a lot of creepy older guys in their 50's messaging me with sexual things right off the bat! I was surprised because I thought those guys would be wanting to settle down, not be hornier then a 16 year old! LOL Just do what I do..keep blocking and like the others suggested go on your wording differently in your profile. Not all men are bad on online! A lot of them actually want to settle down and find love. Also vice versa my best friend he told me a lot of woman from different ages just want a "hook up" and that is all! He wants to settle down! So it goes both ways!

 

Good luck,

 

Lisa

 

Are you suggesting I flat out right now hooking up and looking for a relationship in my profile?

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Believe it or not but on Match when I was on Match a year ago I got a lot of creepy older guys in their 50's messaging me with sexual things right off the bat! I was surprised because I thought those guys would be wanting to settle down, not be hornier then a 16 year old! LOL Just do what I do..keep blocking and like the others suggested go on your wording differently in your profile. Not all men are bad on online! A lot of them actually want to settle down and find love. Also vice versa my best friend he told me a lot of woman from different ages just want a "hook up" and that is all! He wants to settle down! So it goes both ways!

 

Good luck,

 

Lisa

 

Hey you said you wouldn't tell anyone I messaged you ha ha

 

I am over 50 and I am not creepy and I have never sent any sexual messages to anyone on a dating site but there are guys that do and give the rest of us a bad rep.

I apologize for my gender and my age group.

 

OP Don't be afraid of stating what you want and what you do not want. In fact I see it frequently on women's profiles (over half) that they aren't looking for a hook up. I don't take offense to it, just part of the territory.

 

Lost

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Are you suggesting I flat out right now hooking up and looking for a relationship in my profile?

 

What does your typical day look like? Wake up, shower, go to work, maybe workout before or after work, go home, make dinner, surf the internet and dating sites before bed?

 

If this is what your life looks like most days, I can figure out what your challenges are.

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Free dating sites are fine. Even Tinder is fine. It's not the tool. It's how you use it.

 

Online dating is a numbers game. You'll go on many dates, so keep them low key and enjoy yourself. Daytime coffee dates are like kryptonite to a guy wanting to score a lay. Dining you and taking you to a movie? Not so much.

 

If you find yourself habitually caught out, you may want to consider nixing OLD altogether. It's not for everyone.

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With some practice you can learn to sniff the creepy ones out before you even agree to meet them.

I suggest talking to them on the phone first.

One, one hour conversation can be pretty enlightening and might give you a pretty good idea what they are looking for.

A guy looking for a hookup will likely take the conversation in sexual direction at some point during the phone call.

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Dating is hard. I don't know who said it was a good idea to "date around", "multi-date", "don't pick the first one", "Date more than one person at a time" crap. It never was back in the day.

 

But it's caught on, and now everyone uses those phrases as the excuse. Soon, there will be no more marriage, no more "partners', it will just be random hook-ups.

 

Everyone is moving fast, just like technology. I have no answers for your dating woes.

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I can't find someone who would just want to enjoy my company or do something fun without trying to kiss me or bring me back to their place.

 

I had that problem, too. Like you, most of my relationships started out very low-key. Acquaintances, then friends, then (maybe) more. People used to want to get to know me. I wanted to get to know them, too. We hung out and did stuff together, just friends. It was a lot of fun.

 

I don't know if it's online dating, age, a need for instant gratification, or what, but these days it's hard to find people who are willing to go through that process. That's a shame, because it makes for good relationships, IMO. In fact, my current (and hopefully final!) boyfriend is my friend of 25 years.

 

Once, on another forum, I complained about a guy showing no interest in being friends, and you wouldn't believe how many people thought I was being ridiculous. Why would he want to be friends, they asked. I thought, why wouldn't he? Don't you want to get to know the people you spend your time with? Don't you want to be friends with your life-partner?

 

I do think online dating exacerbates the situation by putting a huge spotlight on what is normally a private, naturally-paced process. You know how zookeepers have trouble getting some animals (like pandas) to mate in captivity? Well, with online dating, I felt kind of like one of those pandas. I eventually gave that up. Maybe you should, too. It sounds like you value the getting-to-know-you process, and I'm not sure that online dating supports that model. Maybe put dating on hold until you have more time to devote to getting to know someone as well.

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I could probably be considered one of the original pioneers of OLD. We all thought it was the best thing since sliced bread at the time. No more trying to pick over guys you meet at the office or church or your gym. You can put up what you want, you can see what they want, oh wow I did not know that cute guy lives in my neighborhood. This is gonna be soooo easy, I mean like dialing up a Dominoe's pizza, right?

 

Wrong, oh so very wrong, because here's the thing - you are still meeting a total stranger. These are not people you got to observe firsthand as to how they treat people around them. These aren't the cute guy you get to see and flirt with at the market every week until he or you ask the other one out. This is cold calling at it's very finest and it's very worst, only instead of getting them to turn over hard cash for whatever cause you are flogging it's you trying to cold call them into being someone you want while being someone they want too in all the right and agreed upon ways.

 

And for most that just doesn't happen overnight or even soon. You need to go slowly, fine tune your profile as you go, and your instincts and powers of observation of the human species and realize it's a numbers game.

 

Coffee dates in public, in broad daylight, that's how you start out. Talk a bit, as soon as they get at all sexual before they've even met you, block and delete. Do not engage or tell them off or even talk, just block, delete, on to the next. Coffee date, middle of the day, public, you pick up the tab. You do that for several dates. You do not tell them where you live, you do not let them pick you up, you don't go to their house, you drive and/or take transportation there yourself.

 

And then you talk to them, you find out about them, and you pay attention to what they talk about and how they talk about and treat others. Did they thank the barista who hands you your coffee? Are they willing to talk about their family, their friends, do they talk about normal things and in a normal way or is it everyone else's fault or all their exes were terrible people or the waiter is an expletive, because he forgot to bring the water and so on and so forth. You need to hold anyone you go on a date with to the behavioral standards you probably already have for your friends and family and most importantly, for yourself. If you wouldn't do it and you wouldn't treat a total stranger the way your date is treating you then it's time to walk away, no further engaging, no arguing, no nothing, just gone.

 

And you keep doing that over and over again and you will get better and better at dating, period. Dating is a social skill that needs to be developed, it is not something that comes easy or natural to most of us. So treat this as an adventure, and a learning experience. You will have bad dates, but you will learn from those and you may even do what I did and garner a favorite eating place or a friend or two out of the deal. (Not the date, a waitress who helped me out on a bad date once, we're besties now.)

 

Plus expand your life to more than online dating. In all truth I never met anyone doing OLD. Everyone I ever ended up in a relationship with for any time at all I met through shared activities - art classes (my husband), work (not recommended, don't do that, it's terrible), a cooking class (the chef who broke my heart, but taught me cook) etc.

 

So don't get discouraged. One bad date does not mean you need to give up on the entire male race. If it did I wouldn't be married now, it just means you have to fine tune finding the people you're a match with and that's kind of what dating is all about anyways. So good luck, have fun, put this last date in the realm of funny dating story to tell your friends. And move forward.

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I could probably be considered one of the original pioneers of OLD. We all thought it was the best thing since sliced bread at the time. No more trying to pick over guys you meet at the office or church or your gym. You can put up what you want, you can see what they want, oh wow I did not know that cute guy lives in my neighborhood. This is gonna be soooo easy, I mean like dialing up a Dominoe's pizza, right?

 

Wrong, oh so very wrong, because here's the thing - you are still meeting a total stranger. These are not people you got to observe firsthand as to how they treat people around them. These aren't the cute guy you get to see and flirt with at the market every week until he or you ask the other one out. This is cold calling at it's very finest and it's very worst, only instead of getting them to turn over hard cash for whatever cause you are flogging it's you trying to cold call them into being someone you want while being someone they want too in all the right and agreed upon ways.

 

And for most that just doesn't happen overnight or even soon. You need to go slowly, fine tune your profile as you go, and your instincts and powers of observation of the human species and realize it's a numbers game.

 

Coffee dates in public, in broad daylight, that's how you start out. Talk a bit, as soon as they get at all sexual before they've even met you, block and delete. Do not engage or tell them off or even talk, just block, delete, on to the next. Coffee date, middle of the day, public, you pick up the tab. You do that for several dates. You do not tell them where you live, you do not let them pick you up, you don't go to their house, you drive and/or take transportation there yourself.

 

And then you talk to them, you find out about them, and you pay attention to what they talk about and how they talk about and treat others. Did they thank the barista who hands you your coffee? Are they willing to talk about their family, their friends, do they talk about normal things and in a normal way or is it everyone else's fault or all their exes were terrible people or the waiter is an expletive, because he forgot to bring the water and so on and so forth. You need to hold anyone you go on a date with to the behavioral standards you probably already have for your friends and family and most importantly, for yourself. If you wouldn't do it and you wouldn't treat a total stranger the way your date is treating you then it's time to walk away, no further engaging, no arguing, no nothing, just gone.

 

And you keep doing that over and over again and you will get better and better at dating, period. Dating is a social skill that needs to be developed, it is not something that comes easy or natural to most of us. So treat this as an adventure, and a learning experience. You will have bad dates, but you will learn from those and you may even do what I did and garner a favorite eating place or a friend or two out of the deal. (Not the date, a waitress who helped me out on a bad date once, we're besties now.)

 

Plus expand your life to more than online dating. In all truth I never met anyone doing OLD. Everyone I ever ended up in a relationship with for any time at all I met through shared activities - art classes (my husband), work (not recommended, don't do that, it's terrible), a cooking class (the chef who broke my heart, but taught me cook) etc.

 

So don't get discouraged. One bad date does not mean you need to give up on the entire male race. If it did I wouldn't be married now, it just means you have to fine tune finding the people you're a match with and that's kind of what dating is all about anyways. So good luck, have fun, put this last date in the realm of funny dating story to tell your friends. And move forward.

 

To be honest Paulette, this means nothing. It does not mean the person you are on a date with is to be written off.

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Completely agree with Paris Paulette -I did personal ads in the 80s/90s and on line dating sites when they became popular. The vast majority of men I agreed to meet did not just want sex- but that's because despite meeting well over 100 men in person -maybe 200 - I screened well so that I never met men who crossed the line sexually on the phone or in a message, only met men looking for marriage/family, etc. I remember ending a conversation with a man who described his favorite scene from Sex and the City and it had to do with oral sex. Totally fine if I already knew him, totally inappropriate on a first call with a woman from a dating site. For example. So I must have spoken with/emailed with hundreds of men and a rather large percentage I did not meet.

 

In all those years of dating there were a handful who only wanted sex - and with very rare exception that lasted for one meet or maybe a few dates. And I never had casual sex. I did get sexually assaulted when I went back to a man's place the second time we met -and he was clean cut, ivy educated and went on to harass several of my friends (and got kicked off eharmony).

 

So please do follow Paris Paulette's advice.

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