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Dating Secretly


khartsuck

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A few months ago I started dating a man who I am very serious about. I have known him for about a year , and we have a great connection. We are dating secretly and it really brings me down at times. I can feel it eating at my self esteem. Even though it was a mutual understanding on my part..it still makes me question his intentions and what he wants from me long term. At times it seems like he is interested in coming out, others the exact opposite.The reason we aren't telling our friends? We started dating only a few weeks after him and my best friend of six years broke up. (It was a moment of going with my heart instead of my head to some up how that happened) She broke up with him and was pretty content with her decision. But in the end he is still her ex and I clearly stepped over a line.

I badly want to show him off and gossip with my other best friends about our relationship . I feel so isolated , especially the longer we are together as he is becoming a bigger and bigger part of my life.

I also find myself comparing our relationship "milestones" to his and hers. I try so hard not to . Like she had already met his parents at this point etc. I know that I should never do this...

I don't regret our relationship by any means, but the hardships of it are really starting to hit me as the honey moon phase ends and I'm having trouble coping with them.

 

I really need to find the balance and routine to him and I. Everything seems so chaotic. It just seems so hard when I'm having to hide him from the people most important in my life.

 

How should I tell my friend(his ex). Should I wait a certain amount of time(like 6 months for example) or just do it when ever?

 

My heart and most of his actions tells me he is serious about us, and that any pangs of doubt I feel from him are just my head messing with me.

This is just such an abnormal situation for me I'm having a hard time functioning .

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Is your goal to preserve the friendship with his ex? Is she a judgmental person? It seems to me like she didn't want him, and while she might raise her eyebrows at the situation it seems pretty vindictive to end a friendship over something like this. Plus, there's the fact that keeping it secret is killing you. Maybe it's time to tell your friend.

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Yikes. What a situation you've got yourself into.

 

How long have you been dating this guy? A few months? And he was WEEKS out of a six year relationship where he got dumped? And his ex is your best friend?

 

I understand why he doesn't want to tell anyone... I'm not sure why you want to. Or do you think this will be okay with your friend? And what makes you think you are anything but a rebound? Why did you start dating him?

 

The reason you aren't out is because it's a shockingly terrible choice for you two to be dating.

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End it. Let some time pass. Then revisit the idea.

 

You are losing your dear friend, losing yourself, and you will lose this guy. There is no good way to come out and this is foundation of secrecy will undermine the ability of either of you to trust and build a rear rl. Not to mention, total rebound on his part.

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No matter when you tell your friend, she's not going to like it. Her first thought will be that you and he had been flirting behind her back when they were together. Situations like this never work out, unless the break up was years ago and the relationship had been very short..who left whom is irrelevant.

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To me it looks like you are a rebound, so I'm not surprised you are being kept a secret.

Truth be told, if I was in your best friend's shoes, this friendship would be over upon me finding out that from all the men out there, the one you picked to date was my very recent ex. I would wonder what were you doing while I was dating him, drooling over him from the shadows and giving me bad advice whenever I confided in you about him, because you wanted him all to yourself? I really think dating a friend's ex is one of those things you just don't do, unless the breakup happened a very long time ago and both parties had moved on.

Or, if you really couldn't help yourself, you should have at least checked with your friend *before* you started dating the guy, not a while after. Even then I would still end my friendship with you, for the above mentioned reasons, but at least I would have appreciated your guts and willingness to be honest with me.

 

I think the smartest thing you can do is end this secret thing asap, confess to your friend what you've done behind her back and if she'll still want your friendship, consider yourself lucky, if not, let this be a life lesson - never date a friend's ex because really, there is no shortage of men out there.

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never date a friend's ex because really, there is no shortage of men out there.

 

But there is a severe shortage of people we connect with.

 

Personally I think all this non dating a friend's ex kind of high schoolish. If I met someone I connected with and wanted to seriously be with I would do it. I think a true friend would be happy for me. Maybe not initially, but if they're over the age 16, they'll get over it.

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But there is a severe shortage of people we connect with.

 

Personally I think all this non dating a friend's ex kind of high schoolish. If I met someone I connected with and wanted to seriously be with I would do it. I think a true friend would be happy for me. Maybe not initially, but if they're over the age 16, they'll get over it.

 

The real issue is that instead of being an adult and having a conversation with her friend BEFORE getting into bed with her friend's ex, she does it all behind her friend's back. If you wanted this to be a real relationship, you should have started it off appropriately. Now the entire foundation of your relationship is built upon lies. I think the longer you wait to be honest, the worse off you'll be.

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I agree with this. OP is ashamed of her own behavior. Time won't change that.

 

OP there is no way to retell your story, unless you stop and start over. If you stop and start over, it will be possible to say

 

To you friend.... i am interested in X but I feel like he's rebounding and also i want to talk you about it.

 

To people you meet:

We knew each other already but we decided to start dating in march '17, after a weekend when we went hiking to look at the new spring foliage...

 

To yourself

I have some control and am making a conscious choice, and i feel good about myself

 

To your bf

Its good we can be in the open and i can meet your friends as your date and not pretend

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The real issue is that instead of being an adult and having a conversation with her friend BEFORE getting into bed with her friend's ex, she does it all behind her friend's back. If you wanted this to be a real relationship, you should have started it off appropriately. Now the entire foundation of your relationship is built upon lies. I think the longer you wait to be honest, the worse off you'll be.

I sort of agree. An adult would have been upfront with a friend and wouldn't let it get to this point. There's also the concept of never being too late to do the right thing.

 

Unless someone dumped me explicitly for a friend, I can't see having ill feelings towards a friend that dates an ex. It might be difficult if I still like her. But I would not take it personally. I would take the high road and would want them both to be happy. To not be strikes me as petty, bordering on childish.

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I hate to say it, but it's going to look like you two cheated. If you tell her that it was weeks later, she is still going to question it and wonder if you two had this planned and had always been eyeing one another up, even while they were together.

You are going to lose your friend over this, it's inevitable.

As for the guy, I don't know that I would trust that either as he is obviously rebounding and didn't have proper time to get over her. His feelings are all over the place and he hasn't healed or even had time to take in what happened with her and to let go, etc.

It's a very messy situation and it's why it's not a good idea to jump right into things with anyone who is fresh out of a relationship. The fact that it's your best friends' ex, only make it worse.

She's not going to understand but you need to tell her one way or the other. As for if things will work out with this guy now, who knows, he's probably confused and isn't sure who he feels what for or if he's even over her.

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I sort of agree. An adult would have been upfront with a friend and wouldn't let it get to this point. There's also the concept of never being too late to do the right thing.

 

Unless someone dumped me explicitly for a friend, I can't see having ill feelings towards a friend that dates an ex. It might be difficult if I still like her. But I would not take it personally. I would take the high road and would want them both to be happy. To not be strikes me as petty, bordering on childish.

 

Agreed. I would, however, sever ties with a friend who lied consistently over the course of months.

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This is why you don't date your friends exes. It's always more complicated than its worth. Once in AWHILE it will actually last but it's also dependent on time since breakup and how open you are about it.

 

He's hiding you. Why put yourself through that? Lying to your best friend doesn't help the situation.

 

At the very LEAST, I would break it off and let things cool for awhile. If you pick it up again later, you guys will have a new date as an alibi and won't have to announce how you dated before. Rough situation and everyone learns their own way. But this is how we learn.

I hope it works out

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But there is a severe shortage of people we connect with.

 

Personally I think all this non dating a friend's ex kind of high schoolish. If I met someone I connected with and wanted to seriously be with I would do it. I think a true friend would be happy for me. Maybe not initially, but if they're over the age 16, they'll get over it.

 

 

I don't know, I suppose we all have our own boundaries, but as far as I'm concerned, be it high-schoolish or whatever, I would hope my friends (especially my best friend) know better than to date a recent ex of mine, just like I would never date their exes. Not only for the reasons I wrote above (which are kind of a big deal), but also because No Contact is very important in order to move on, and if she was to date my ex, how in the world would I go No Contact? I would either have to keep seeing him at every get together me and friend may attend together, or I would have to avoid any such get togethers which would really suck.

As humans, we connect with a lot of people, there is not such thing as "the one". Good connections are rare, for sure, but they are there. Besides, from the sounds of it they don't have much of a connection if the guy has been hiding her... She is totally a rebound and will end up losing both the guy and the best friend.

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Simply put if you are willing to loose your friend for this guy keep dating him. If you are not break up and find someone else.

 

No matter when this comes out the truth will always be that you two got together not long after they broke up. So you see you will have to lie to your friend (which in a way you already are) when you finally do come out with the relationship. So now you are sleeping with her ex and lying to her about when you first got with him.

 

Wouldn't it be better to just spill the beans now instead of dragging this thing out until someone finds out and tells her?

 

Lost

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The real issue is that instead of being an adult and having a conversation with her friend BEFORE getting into bed with her friend's ex, she does it all behind her friend's back. If you wanted this to be a real relationship, you should have started it off appropriately. Now the entire foundation of your relationship is built upon lies. I think the longer you wait to be honest, the worse off you'll be.

 

I agree with Sportster that there is a real shortage of people we truly connect with.

 

However, ideally the above would have been the "right" thing to do; it's what I would have done.

 

Talk to my friend FIRST, ask her how she feels about it. Assuming I value her friendship and want it to last.

 

Like Sportster said, if she is a true friend, she will understand and be happy for you. Especially since she ended it and has moved on herself.

 

It's not too late, it's only been a few months you've been dating him.

 

Tell her now, don't wait any longer.

 

You can make it like you didn't feel it necessary to tell her until if/when it started to become serious.

 

I dunno if she will buy that, but you can try.

 

Agree with citric, the longer you wait, the worse off everyone will be.

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