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Confused about what he wants


michelleglade

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I've (21F) been hooking up with this guy (21M) for a few weeks now, but we've also been really good platonic friends for years.

 

I recently got an IUD and so we had been discussing the idea of being sexually exclusive so we could lose the condoms. But when I brought it up again last week, the day before my appointment—in pretty vague terms because I figured he would know what I was talking about since we had discussed it before and were on the same page—he panicked and started saying things like "I just don't want to get into a relationship right now."

 

We ended up having a really, really long conversation about all of this, and came to the conclusion that we just have very different expectations of what a relationship entails, and his perspective in this regard is pretty old-fashioned.

 

To him it implies a promise and commitment to big, far in the future things like babies and marriage, and he's particularly concerned about that in the context of next year, when he will have graduated from college and I will not. I also got the impression that he feels it means he has to cede to me some control over his life, what he does, who he sees, etc. He made it clear that exclusivity isn't the issue but all these other things he sees giving up as going together with being in a relationship.

 

From my perspective those are really silly things to be worried about right now, and I don't really see relationships at our age as much more of a commitment than what you make to your closest friends, aside from the exclusivity. Seeing as we're already exclusive, this isn't a secret, most of our friends know, and we already spend a ton of time together I don't want anything to change, but I need to know that we're on the same page and want a simple answer for friends who ask if we're dating.

 

Point being, after we had this conversation he said I changed his outlook on life and made him see things differently, but didn't really specify what that meant. Ever since he's been acting very, very affectionate and considerate in ways he never was before. Bringing me coffee late at night because he knows I have a paper due, checking up on me just to see if I'm ok every few hours (because of the IUD), saying that he'll take care of me, giving me compliments etc. He's also made some random statements out of the blue like how he thinks he would get along well with my mom.

 

It's nice I guess, but I'm just overwhelmed by this radical overnight change and don't really know what to make of it. I'm also a bit worried that since he doesn't want a relationship on the terms he had articulated, but seems to be falling into those habits anyway (apologizing for leaving me because he made plans with his friends, moving his schedule around to accommodate things I suggest but don't actually need him to do, etc), he will come to resent me for it, even though I made it clear that's not what I expect of him.

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He sounds like a really great fwb. Did you decide whether to "lose the condoms" and be sexually exclusive?

 

We did, and we're both on board with that and have gotten tested and everything. I just don't understand why he's acting so different now, and it bothers me a bit because it's so at odds with what he said he wanted before.

 

I'm happy with how things are, but I worry he doesn't know anything but his rigid model of dating and is falling back on it even if that isn't what either of us want, and that it's all gonna blow up. It also makes me feel awkward because I don't really know what kind of response he expects from me when he says things like 'I'll take care of you,' when that isn't really the kind of relationship we have.

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Fwbs are friends so they do like each other. And it's popular now to be exclusive fwb to help avoid stds etc. These aren't random anonymous hookups, so being nice is not a big deal.

 

However don't play ventriloquist. His lips said "I just don't want to get into a relationship right now." Not "I suddenly want dating", which it sounds like you are eventually hoping for.

he doesn't know anything but his rigid model of dating
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How did I ruin the fun for him when he was the one to bring this up? All I said was we shouldn't have unprotected sex with other people if we're not going to use condoms. He's the one who suggested being exclusive beyond that...

 

Any change in a relationship dynamics can be overwhelming to somebody that doesn't want a relationship.

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Fwbs are friends so they do like each other. And it's popular now to be exclusive fwb to help avoid stds etc. These aren't random anonymous hookups, so being nice is not big deal.

 

However don't play ventriloquist. His lips said "I just don't want to get into a relationship right now." Not "I suddenly want dating", which it sounds like you are eventually hoping for.

 

I'm not in that sense. He is graduating in a semester and I am not, and I really don't want to be in a long-distance relationship my senior year of college. I see it as something that will ideally last the year, but not beyond.

 

It's not that his being nice bothers me, it's that it's such a departure to how things were pre-talk. We used to just spend time in the same way as we did before we started hooking up, hanging out talking about our mutual interests, and all these sentimental gestures and things he's been saying recently feel weird to me. I'm nice to my friends but I would never shower them in compliments like that or pay them that much attention.

 

I guess it's also that we used to hang out either for sex, or as friends, or a mix, but now he also wants to hang out just to cuddle and talk about our feelings and that feels off to me. My main concern is that he is following some script of how he thinks he should act because he's worried I'll break things off if he doesn't, and that doesn't seem healthy to me or like it's going to end well.

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To him it implies a promise and commitment to big, far in the future things like babies and marriage, and he's particularly concerned about that in the context of next year, when he will have graduated from college and I will not. I also got the impression that he feels it means he has to cede to me some control over his life, what he does, who he sees, etc. He made it clear that exclusivity isn't the issue but all these other things he sees giving up as going together with being in a relationship.

 

From my perspective those are really silly things to be worried about right now, and I don't really see relationships at our age as much more of a commitment than what you make to your closest friends, aside from the exclusivity. Seeing as we're already exclusive, this isn't a secret, most of our friends know, and we already spend a ton of time together I don't want anything to change, but I need to know that we're on the same page and want a simple answer for friends who ask if we're dating.

 

Point being, after we had this conversation he said I changed his outlook on life and made him see things differently, but didn't really specify what that meant. Ever since he's been acting very, very affectionate and considerate in ways he never was before. Bringing me coffee late at night because he knows I have a paper due, checking up on me just to see if I'm ok every few hours (because of the IUD), saying that he'll take care of me, giving me compliments etc. He's also made some random statements out of the blue like how he thinks he would get along well with my mom.

 

 

What I think he meant (bolded) is that after you explained how you feel about "relationships" (i.e., that it doesn't mean a lifetime commitment or marriage, but simply spending time together exclusively, having fun, great sex, great talks, great times - most or all of which you were doing anyway) it changed his outlook about it (he said so himself), and he doesn't take being in a relationship quite as seriously as he did before (commitment, marriage, etc.)

 

As such, he is more relaxed about it and, can let his true feelings show without your reading too much into it (like a lifetime commitment or marriage or something).

 

I wouldn't worry about it, just enjoy it, he is acting like a "boyfriend" acts, like a man who is in a "relationship" would act. Like a man who CARES acts.

 

He is showing you how he feels via his ACTIONS, which is how it's supposed to be.

 

All these labels -- FB, FWB, boyfriend, girlfriend, who the eff cares how you label it.

 

Simply enjoy each other, have fun, have great sex, have great talks, and let it progress (or not progress) naturally, gradually, however it's meant to.

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I guess it's also that we used to hang out either for sex, or as friends, or a mix, but now he also wants to hang out just to cuddle and talk about our feelings and that feels off to me. My main concern is that he is following some script of how he thinks he should act because he's worried I'll break things off if he doesn't, and that doesn't seem healthy to me or like it's going to end well.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by, "he's worried I'll break things off"? This is not a relationship, it's a FWB's arrangement which eventually comes with an expiration date.

 

I'm sorry, but you're only fooling yourself if you think this is more than sleeping buddies. The bottom line is if he wanted to be with you, he'd make it clear before anyone else catches your eye.

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I'm not sure what you mean by, "he's worried I'll break things off"? This is not a relationship, it's a FWB's arrangement which eventually comes with an expiration date.

 

I'm sorry, but you're only fooling yourself if you think this is more than sleeping buddies. The bottom line is if he wanted to be with you, he'd make it clear before anyone else catches your eye.

 

Yes, that is what I mean. As part of this conversation I told him that I was fine with not being fully exclusive (only in regards to unprotected sex) but if I ended up deciding to be exclusive with someone else, our thing would end. I wasn't trying to be manipulative, just honest, since he asked me how I saw things progress. To which he said "let's be exclusive then." I didn't say yes and redirected the conversation since I wasn't ready to have it yet (he prompted it not me), but I gather from that that he doesn't really want a relationship but he's willing to pretend he does, at least to some extent, if it means I won't end this.

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I'm not sure what you mean by, "he's worried I'll break things off"? This is not a relationship, it's a FWB's arrangement which eventually comes with an expiration date.

I'm sorry, but you're only fooling yourself if you think this is more than sleeping buddies. The bottom line is if he wanted to be with you, he'd make it clear before anyone else catches your eye.

 

I'm not in that sense. He is graduating in a semester and I am not, I really don't want to be in a long-distance relationship my senior year of college.

 

I see it as something that will ideally last the year, but not beyond.

 

I guess it's also that we used to hang out either for sex, or as friends, or a mix, but now he also wants to hang out just to cuddle and talk about our feelings and that feels off to me. My main concern is that he is following some script of how he thinks he should act because he's worried I'll break things off if he doesn't, and that doesn't seem healthy to me or like it's going to end well.

 

How is she fooling herself?

 

Apparently michelleglade herself sees it as having an expiration date (next year when he graduates), so perhaps this "arrangement" is perfect for her (for the time being).

 

michelle, you seem uncomfortable with how he is acting now, since you had "the talk."

 

As I said in earlier post, he is NOW acting like an actual boyfriend acts, like a man who cares acts.

 

Why does it make you uncomfortable? Is it too much attention for you?

 

If so, I understand, the way he is acting NOW does seem a bit extreme, especially compared to how he used to be.

 

The only thing I would suggest is keep the lines of communication open. It's okay if it's too much, but at some point you will need to tell him otherwise I envision YOU becoming totally turned off by all his new-found attention, and YOUR breaking things off.

 

Perhaps that is why your spiny senses are telling you it's not going to end well. Because of how YOU feel, how uncomfortable YOU are.

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Think about the fact that you want to be exclusive and in a relationship with someone where you're comfortable with him being inside of you but you have to be "vague" about birth control and the ramifications about that.

 

I'm not being vague about birth control? He knows I got an IUD, we discussed it extensively, he even offered to come with me. We've both gotten tested as well.

 

I'm also not in love with him, I like him enough and I think this arrangement works well for me right now, I just think it's really weird for someone to change their demeanor so drastically basically overnight, and the only explanation I can come up with is that although he doesn't want a relationship, he thinks that losing our friendship/sex-status would be an even worse option. And that just seems like a disaster in the making to me.

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Point being, after we had this conversation he said I changed his outlook on life and made him see things differently, but didn't really specify what that meant.

 

It's nice I guess, but I'm just overwhelmed by this radical overnight change and don't really know what to make of it.

 

Maybe I am missing something (which is quite possible lol), but why don't you talk to him and ask him to clarify what he meant by "it changed his outlook on life and made him see things differently." I would have asked him right then and there what he meant.

 

What things does he see differently, your relationship and how he views it?

 

After you essentially told him how YOU view it? As not a life-long commitment, not something leading to marriage, but basically the same thing you were doing all along, but you need the label as you want to be able to tell your friends you are in a "relationship," as stated in your original post.

 

That's how I interpret it, since he actually told you that YOU changed his outlook on life and YOU made him see things differently.

 

In any event, I don't get why people can't communicate with each other when they're confused about what their partner tells them.

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I'm not being vague about birth control? He knows I got an IUD, we discussed it extensively, he even offered to come with me. We've both gotten tested as well.

 

I'm also not in love with him, I like him enough and I think this arrangement works well for me right now, I just think it's really weird for someone to change their demeanor so drastically basically overnight, and the only explanation I can come up with is that although he doesn't want a relationship, he thinks that losing our friendship/sex-status would be an even worse option. And that just seems like a disaster in the making to me.

 

 

"I recently got an IUD and so we had been discussing the idea of being sexually exclusive so we could lose the condoms. But when I brought it up again last week, the day before my appointment—in pretty vague terms "

 

I would suggest not being vague about birth control. He didn't change overnight -he is simply reacting to the changes you proposed -birth control that requires exclusivity. I would tell him in 10 words or less what you want - nothing vague, no back story:

 

How about "I want us to be sexually monogamous and I am not ready to be part of a couple with you".

 

To me it's not fair if you just want some sort of label. He now thinks he wants to explore a serious relationship with long term potential. If you don't want that, tell him.

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forget what everyone else said and take the advice of a 25 year old male whose been there and done that. That boy is 21 years old and only has sex on his mind, and by giving up the cookie without a relationship, he's got everything he wanted out of it, so why would he want more/be tied down? he may do this and that to make it seem like he wants more but his efforts are contingent on him getting sex from you. He wants to manipulate your mind into thinking you guys are something more, and you probably think sex can change guys, but most of the time, you've already set the bar too low by giving him sex w/o commitment and he has no desire to commit. I know that's not easy to read, but trust me. I've done it several times and women always think sex van change things in these kinds of situations but it typically never does once a man has made up his mind about you.

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forget what everyone else said and take the advice of a 25 year old male whose been there and done that. That boy is 21 years old and only has sex on his mind, and by giving up the cookie without a relationship, he's got everything he wanted out of it, so why would he want more/be tied down? he may do this and that to make it seem like he wants more but his efforts are contingent on him getting sex from you. He wants to manipulate your mind into thinking you guys are something more, and you probably think sex can change guys, but most of the time, you've already set the bar too low by giving him sex w/o commitment and he has no desire to commit. I know that's not easy to read, but trust me. I've done it several times and women always think sex van change things in these kinds of situations but it typically never does once a man has made up his mind about you.

 

Kind of offensive to "men" -this generalization. I know plenty of young men who don't act on this "just sex" mentality including my 21 year old nephew who is a married man and devoted husband and father.

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Pushing everything else aside, yes he does appear to have changed since you both had "the talk." You see this, but you're going to have to ask him why the sudden change. And yes, a switch may well have been thrown where now he's thinking, "This could work, what if..." And yeah, it gets very awkward or worse when two people do not want the same things, regardless of an FWB or not or anything in between or not.

 

You're going to have to sit him down and talk some more about this.

 

And yes, it may well be he's worried you'll dump him, so he's now playing the boyfriend part harder to keep that from happening. It may also be having discussed this his mindset is now going towards being a boyfriend. Or maybe he just feels closer to you now that the two of you have talked about a deeper topic - that happens too.

 

Regardless of anything else you really just need to address this with him, not us because no one here can really tell you his mindset, only him. So I would sit him down and just say, "Hey, I've seen a change since our talk," then give a couple of clear examples of that and then take it from there and lay out your concerns etc.

 

I think you really just need to talk to him more.

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