My best friend is getting married...and its complicated!

Hello out there,

I have come here to vent about a current situation I am going through...I do not have anyone I can comfortably talk to in regards to this situation...but here goes!

My dear friend who I have known since we were 3 years old is getting married next year and has asked me to be one of her bridesmaids. I am truly so happy for her and wish her the best, but it gets tricky....

When my friend and I were 9 years old, her Father had an affair with my Mother...long story short, it was a very ugly and upsetting time in many people's lives, including mine. Out of understandable anger, her Mom told her that she could never see me again...we were best friends at that time that did so much together...we loved each other like best friends do and then one day it was over. She ended up moving out of the country with her family while I was stuck back at home with newly divorced parents and my best friend gone...it was completely sad to say the LEAST.

I saw my Father's life crumble down due to my parents divorce..he was devastated when he found out about the affair, etc. My friend's father, TO THIS DAY, still contacts my Mom and says that he loves her, yet he is STILL married to his wife (my friend's Mom) and knows that my Mom has remarried ( to a great guy by the way). When I was in high school, he had the nerve to call my Mom on our house phone and ask to speak with her because he was "Desperate to see her"...I was the one that picked up and I hung up on him.

At my friend's wedding, I will no doubt see her Father....and the thought of it gives me chills/makes my stomach turn. The thought of seeing her Father makes my blood boil...I do not know how the hell I will cope being in the same room as him. Even after all these years ( I am 33), the thought of him makes me so angry. My friend did mention that she would understand if I wouldn't feel comfortable being in the wedding due to the past, and that she would still love me no matter what. After reading her email, I cried and cried and cried, just like when I lost her at the age of 9.

Luckily, my friend and I maintained a friendship over the years with emails/phone calls/and visits to one another. I still care about her so much...she was my first real friend. But I do not know if I can see her family without crippling over in pain. I lightly brought this up to my Mom and her response was "Get over it and just go. She is your friend...this isn't about you". I know this is not about me, but I don't think I can be a good bridesmaid to her if I'll be acting awkward at her wedding. Honestly, it would be just too painful. I am trying to act like an adult here, but my emotions are getting the better of me.

Any words of wisdom/advice would be greatly appreciated, as I feel that I am stuck between a rock and a hard place!

Thank you!

I think ultimately, only you know what you can handle...if you know in your heart that you simply will not be able to save face, don't go. I'm happy to hear your friend is understanding about the situation and not pressuring you to be there. Try to remember, this is supposed to be one of the most special days of her life. She shouldn't have to deal with anything other than fun and love on her wedding day. If you don't go....tell her it's because you don't want to bring any dark clouds to her special day.

On the other hand, if you can put your wall up and not let your emotions in for one night, go ahead and go. Maybe skip the rehearsal (he will be there) and as soon as dinner and toasts are done, you can leave. The only time you would probably be in his close proximity would be when he walks her down the aisle, and during pictures. So a total of maybe 30 min.

What can you handle? There is no concrete right answer. There is only what is right for you.

And I'm so sorry you had to go through that. My heart is with you.

If you can't handle it don't be in her wedding. She deserves this day for her. I understand your predicament but this day is for her.

My dad and my aunt by marriage had an affair so I know your angst. My cousins love their mom but I think she is a hose bag. Not that I have any love for my dad either but I hate her just as much.

Just know she probably loves her parent.

i think you are a great friend. and i get why the guy gets you so upset.

can you bring a plus one whom you could tell about the problem with her dad and ask them to keep you occupied and cheerful? would that help you deflect your attention of him?

are you even sure you'd be so frustrated to see him? you'd be focusing on her, the ceremony, chatting with the other girls...maybe the event and the company would help you ignore him sufficiently?

Unfortunately it sounds like you are mad at your mom more so than her dad and have a lot of unresolved issues there.

I had to think about this a bit, because I can imagine how difficult their affair was for you when it happened.

Some things to keep in mind:

1. While the affair had an impact on the lives of you and your friend, neither of you played a part in it.

2. Your mother and her father share equal responsibility for the affair. Equal. For what that is worth. Don't let either of them guide your choice in this, nor let them impact your relationship with your friend now that you are both adults.

This is your life, you get to choose. If it were me, I would go. But I would also take time now to explore this issue. There were things that happened in my very early childhood and around 10-11 that I could not process well until I reached my 30's and 40's, but they still impacted me and my sense of myself in the world. That may or may not be the case for you. But it might be worth exploring to help you navigate this step. (Again, if it were me, I'd consider seeing a therapist leading up to and after the wedding, to help me explore the entire situation, and the impact of the past.)

P.S. I find your mother's response to "Get over it" a bit dismissive. Has she ever acknowledged how her affair hurt you?

My first thought is you go to the wedding as a guest, not a bridesmaid, then it would be easier to avoid her father if need be. My second thought is you get some counselling to learn how to let this go as it's been a very long time. It would be good to learn some coping skills so you can attend the wedding and enjoy yourself.

Wow, your Mum was very cruel in her response!!

Thank you for your kind words! It is a tough decision to make, I am still thinking about what to do and am thinking of ultimately the decision that would be the best for my friend.

Thank you for replying

It shocked me the other day when I started crying like a baby after she asked me to be a bridesmaid and all of these emotions exploded...I thought I had put it in the past...but all of this anger and sadness was taking over me. I have considered seeing a therapist...I do realize that I still feel angry after all of these years. I don't know if my Mom ever truly acknowledged how the affair hurt me because I think she herself was in so much pain after the affair (since they ultimately did not end up together like she thought they were going to be)...I really covered my hurt feelings as a child; just kept them very private....

Thanks for your advice!

Just remember your mom is 50% of the issue . She chose to do what she did . If she was upset later well ........what she decided to do was a very selfish selfish thing .

Thank you for your reply

I could bring my boyfriend as my plus one, and he has known about the affair for years. He does not want me to go to the wedding, but I think if I asked him to go with me, he might...don't know...

It is going to be a very small wedding with close friends and family so I will probably be around her Father for the majority of the day in close proximity.

Still deciding....again, thank you!

Just remember if you don't go you will be hurting another person who was not involved . and while your friend may say I will understand if you don't... I would think she would still be very hurt . Because her dad is going to be there for a very long time so are you going to celebrate big times in her life or not be there because her dad is ? Or if you get married if she said I don't want to be there because your mother is ?

I think you should go. I'm not sure how far off the wedding is, but you should have time to mentally prepare yourself... and to go see a therapist beforehand if that's what you need to do.

A.) This is about your friend; not her father, not you.

B.) The best "revenge" is living well. You said your mom is happy. If he deigns to confront you in any manner, you can calmly and politely tell him as much. (Adding an a "go eff yourself" with a smile on your face being optional.)

C.) This is one of the happiest days of your friend's life - and you'd regret not being a part of it.

Completely agree. This is worth looking into some therapy for since it's a lot of hurt and baggage to address. It's easy to engage in "splitting" where a bad guy is assigned so that we can preserve a relationship with the designated "innocent" party.

Your mother and her father share equal responsibility for the affair. Equal. For what that is worth.