I love my mom but I don't like her

My mom and I have always had a bad/abusive relationship ever since I was 11. I am 23 now and things never got better. She is diagnosed with depression and last year she tried to kill herself by taking pills. She has hit me, punched me, pulled my hair and humiliated me in front of our entire family. She's called me all kinds of names you can think of, she ruined my self esteem when I was a teenager, leading me to depression and cutting myself.

I am an overall positive and happy person, I always try to see the best in people and situations, I try to make the best out of the worst, but my relationship with her has done some serious damage to my mental health. I have been going to therapy for 6 months now, I have been going on and off my entire life and decided to get back. This year was very hard for me, I got fired, my ex broke up with me and I was miserable for a month, but a lot of good things happened too. I made wonderful friends and had a lot of fun in many ways. But things between my mom and I are never ok. She makes my life a living hell, she takes pleasure in making me feel bad and taking things away from me. She abuses the power that she has over me to control me. Honestly, I don't even get mad anymore at her, I just get sad and cry, I feel like this is a hopeless situation that will only work out when I move out.

I feel bad for her because she suffers so much, she's never happy with anything, she's always fighting and complaining and being negative about everything, I feel like she just wastes her life away. She doesn't treat her depression, in fact, she doesn't acknowledge it, she thinks I'm the problem and that I have to change. I have been hearing that I have to change and be a better person since I was 11, I had to battle with myself and convince myself that I'm a good person and I'm not worthless, because she has always made me feel like I'm some horrible person.

I honestly don't care anymore about our relationship, I don't care if one day I move out and we never speak to each other, I just want to be at peace, and I cannot be at peace with her. I love her, I know I'd do anything for her, I know I'll take care of her when she gets old, but I honestly don't like her, I don't like the way she is I don't like the hell she put me through and I honestly don't know if she really loves me, if she sees me as her daughter or just some burden living at her house. I never felt loved by her, she has never hugged me or said she loved me, she has NEVER apologized for anything in her life, I would honestly not even consider her my mom if I could, but at the same time I feel horrible that this is a never ending cycle in my life. Good things and bad things happen, but this is an on going issue that never stops, I don't know how to react anymore, I try not to let it get to my head but some days I just feel like disappearing

Hang in there. You are doing the right things. Good job seeking therapy... I'm sorry that it's so hard.

When can you move out? What is keeping you in the house?

Like the saying goes, you can choose your friends but not your family. I'm sorry you've been treated like this. I hope that you're able to move out soon. Don't feel like you have to stay in contact just because she's your mother. You can create your own positive family with friends. I'd pick up a book about how to establish boundaries with her. Once you move out, you can try to stay in contact, but the moment she says something negative to you, hang up the phone, walk out of her house, or ask her to leave if she's at your place. You will teach her how to treat you, and if she doesn't treat you right, she will lose the pleasure of your company.

Sometimes it's better to cut all ties if a person is toxic in your life. You might find that God or fate places a different motherly figure in your life who is not related to you. Take care.

Sorry to hear this. You need to get on your feet and move out even if it's with roommates and 2 jobs. The environment is toxic and making you sick. She can't help it, she's messed up mentally and won't change so trying to fix, change or rescue her to have a hallmark card mother is an exercise in futility.

You can not even hope to get better when youare in a house with carbon monoxide poisoning but refuse to leave. Keep in mind you are getting sick because of both your genetic predisposition from her toward mental illness/frailty and a toxic environment.

Stop trying to squeeze blood out of a stone. She is not capable of the type of loving relationship you hope for. The more you step into reality and out of a hallmark card, the happier and less frustrated you will be. You will learn to accept things as they really are rather than as you wish them to be.

I don't like the hell she put me through and I honestly don't know if she really loves me, if she sees me as her daughter or just some burden living at her house. I never felt loved by her