Should I be upfront with the guys who I am dating?

I started dating recently again. Should I tell prospective dates that I am divorced with children upfront ahead of the date or not?

Initially my position that yes, I should. And so I was. Got turned down by two guys I liked, who were initially very keen to meet me, but as soon as I told them about the kids, lost interest. Another guy whom I told upfront - said that he didn't think it was a problem, and that surely it was solvable, but disappeared promptly after this talk.

I have a date this Sunday, and I like the guy. Now I feel that I should wait and meet him in person first, and then if we like each other, tell him.

Would this make any difference?

Hopefully things like "have you been married" and "do you have any children" will come up within the first date, because you both need to know where you stand. He needs to know that there are at least 2 (if not more) people that will come before him, and vice versa.

Yes, you should certainly be upfront. If guys lose interest before they've even met you, it's not suddenly going to be OK once you start dating. If anything, it will weed out any players!

I think it's prudent to be upfront. Either prior to or during the first date. Kids aren't really something you can hide forever, so if you're into the guy, take the chance and see how it goes.

Or look at it from another angle...would you be ok with him hiding something from you?

I started dating recently again. Should I tell prospective dates that I am divorced with children upfront ahead of the date or not?

 

Initially my position that yes, I should. And so I was. Got turned down by two guys I liked, who were initially very keen to meet me, but as soon as I told them about the kids, lost interest.

Based on your wording, I can assume you are connecting with them online?

Doesn't your profile state your details?

If not, disclose up front to limit yourself to those who are looking for the same thing you are.

Don't subject yourself to be turned down unnecessarily.

I started dating recently again. Should I tell prospective dates that I am divorced with children upfront ahead of the date or not?

 

Initially my position that yes, I should. And so I was. Got turned down by two guys I liked, who were initially very keen to meet me, but as soon as I told them about the kids, lost interest. Another guy whom I told upfront - said that he didn't think it was a problem, and that surely it was solvable, but disappeared promptly after this talk.

 

I have a date this Sunday, and I like the guy. Now I feel that I should wait and meet him in person first, and then if we like each other, tell him.

Would this make any difference?

How are you getting introduced to these guys? If it's from an online site, the divorced with children status should be on your profile.

The guys didn't want to meet you because they don't want a woman who's divorced with children. I don't see the point in wasting the gas money to meet up with someone who has characteristics you are not interested in.

I would want to rule out incompatibility like that asap so as not to waste time, effort or energy on anyone who will disappear when honesty is introduced.

Being divorced with kids is a plus for many fellow single parents and certainly some others. Dating is hit-or-miss in many cases and people ghost and flake all the time, regardless. Be proud of who you are and most of all, honest upfront.

Got turned down by two guys I liked, who were initially very keen to meet me, but as soon as I told them about the kids, lost interest

Out of curiosity, how old are you and how old are these guys?

Absolutely you should be upfront about it. You actually want to weed out guys who will find that to be a deal breaker as quickly as possible. Do not waste your time on the wrong people because it is just a waste of time.

If it's a deal breaker for them and you withhold that information, the only thing that will happen is that they will be furious with you and tear you a new one in addition to dumping you on the spot with utter disgust.

Well yes you have to state this, because the kids are part of your life. If they are adult children who don't live at home, you may not have to state this until later on, but if they are little ones then yes you must tell people.

You must be upfront. That's a big thing to hide. You want to meet someone who will accept you and your children, so you need to make people aware. Those who lose interest, well, they aren't for you, you know? So don't waste your time OR theirs. Be upfront, and indicate on your dating profile that you are divorced and have children.

If I'm buying a truck I don't wanna find out a few days later what engine it has and what quirks it has.

That information is very important when it comes up and preferably on the first date. Not saying you need to offer it right away but if asked then yes. If a guy likes you then that information won't matter. Speaking personally....I have dated a lot of single mothers and a few that were divorced. It never bothered me.

Thank you all!! Yes, I am dating on line using dating apps, such as Happn and Inner Circle. They limit what you can disclose about yourself or how much. happn for example does't have a criterion like children or no children. The field for self description is severely limiting. YET the quality of people has been excellent so far, with no fail. I chose to make my self description interesting and unique, and it gets a lot of attention, as do pictures, but I left out the fact that I have children. I am 40 years old, by the way, ms Darcy.

So, shall I just drop the bomb ahead of our date on Sunday? "Hey, James, I forgot to mention I'm divorced with two kids. Let me know if you want to go ahead with that date after all"

Consider also that if you withhold this kind of information, a guy who would actually be fine with the children will reject you simply for poor character. Most people will see that as a huge lie and deception and judge you harshly for it. Even if you try to defend yourself with "but you didn't ask me about it", for many people that won't fly. It's just not something that you try to hide or delay informing about.

As already said, be proud, be you. You and your children are a package deal and you want to ruthlessly weed out the kinds of men who wouldn't accept that and only spend your precious free time on those who are good with children.

Is it going to limit your dating pool? Of course, but then everything does if you think about it. You are not going for a herd of men, you are looking for one right one.

Yes you should always be upfront. What's your option? Hide the kids from him forever?

If they don't want to date you because you have kids, that's their prerogative. They're allowed to have their preferences just as much as you are allowed to have yours.

The guy that promptly disappeared could have disappeared for many, many reasons. May not have anything to do with having kids.

I've had women turn me down because I have kids. I don't even have them full time. But they still didn't want anything to do with me. Not my problem really. There's enough women out there that will date me, and I'm sure you will find enough men that want you regardless, and maybe because of, the fact you have kids.

I understand you're limited with your description field on these sites but I really think you're doing a disservice by not offering up on the info there. You will be judged by people as having bad character. Put it out there so the only men who will contact you will see that you have kids and are okay with it! Just have to say something small. "I'm divorced with x # of kids, age y and z".

Thank you all!! Yes, I am dating on line using dating apps, such as Happn and Inner Circle. They limit what you can disclose about yourself or how much. happn for example does't have a criterion like children or no children. The field for self description is severely limiting. YET the quality of people has been excellent so far, with no fail. I chose to make my self description interesting and unique, and it gets a lot of attention, as do pictures, but I left out the fact that I have children. I am 40 years old, by the way, ms Darcy.

 

So, shall I just drop the bomb ahead of our date on Sunday? "Hey, James, I forgot to mention I'm divorced with two kids. Let me know if you want to go ahead with that date after all"

 

There's no shame in anything you are. You are 40, divorced, with kids. Great accomplishment to have children. You want a man who can appreciate and like that.

 

Yes, I would mention it to James (though I don't know if I would say "let me know if you want to go ahead with the date.)

Consider also that if you withhold this kind of information, a guy who would actually be fine with the children will reject you simply for poor character. Most people will see that as a huge lie and deception and judge you harshly for it. Even if you try to defend yourself with "but you didn't ask me about it", for many people that won't fly. It's just not something that you try to hide or delay informing about.

 

As already said, be proud, be you. You and your children are a package deal and you want to ruthlessly weed out the kinds of men who wouldn't accept that and only spend your precious free time on those who are good with children.

 

Is it going to limit your dating pool? Of course, but then everything does if you think about it. You are not going for a herd of men, you are looking for one right one.

While I agree with you in principle, I disagree on details. To reject me furiously and to spit at me with disgust, I think this is exaggerated. Dating is not only about going out with the people you've so carefully hand picked, and who 100% correspond to your bill, it is also about opening your mind to many different kinds of people, who can potentially be interesting. We may not be a perfect match, but we may become good acquittances, and learn from each other. I do learn from my dates, from each and everyone. Where else in life are we intimately exposed to many different kinds of people? Life generally is set in routine, and we do not come in contact with people who may enrich us in some unexpected ways.

Of course you should, not just so that you're not wasting their time and yours, but also because you want somebody who is fine with the prospect of kids being in the picture as an idea itself, not someone who's only half motivated because they'd grown fond of you prior to you letting them know.

It sucks, but you gotta accept the fact your options are going to be more limited, but that doesn't necessarily mean worse. Be forthcoming and patient, but enjoy yourself.

I understand you're limited with your description field on these sites but I really think you're doing a disservice by not offering up on the info there. You will be judged by people as having bad character. Put it out there so the only men who will contact you will see that you have kids and are okay with it! Just have to say something small. "I'm divorced with x # of kids, age y and z".

I agree with this. Otherwise you're wasting time conversing and arranging dates with people that are not ok with dating someone with kids (or divorced). I would add a short line in your profile as Fudgie suggested, so you don't have to even think about having this conversation with guys who message you, because they would've already seen it on the profile.

By the way when I was online dating, I didn't want to date guys who were divorced or have children (I was in my late 20s). I remember one guy didn't mention he was divorced until half way through the first date, I was so pissed off thinking why are you wasting my time like this? I would've never agreed to meet if I knew that before hand.

On top of that, I always felt like people who are divorced but list themselves as single and mention nothing about being divorced in their profile were being dishonest.

I know the app doesn't allow you to disclose as much but yea definitely recommend a quick mention of it at least.

Yeah you need to state it upfront. Both for their sake and your own. Look if a guy sits down at a table and you say "I have 2 kids", he gets up and leaves. Its alot easier for everyone instead of 5 dates in and you really like him and the topic naturally comes up. Now I am not saying blurt it out the second a dude sits down, but you should make the information accessible.

Dating is not only about going out with the people you've so carefully hand picked, and who 100% correspond to your bill, it is also about opening your mind to many different kinds of people, who can potentially be interesting.

I'm sorry, I have to disagree. Dating is about finding someone who is a good partner for you, at least, that's how it is for a lot of people. Not everyone is going into it with the attitude of "I'm going to remain very open and if it doesn't work, we can be friends!" Not everyone wants to find friends through dating...they want to find a partner and may not want to use that time making friends with people who they feel are not right for them. Perhaps they have many friends already and are lacking in the love life department, not the friend department.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, dating is not an equal-opportunity employer. Different people have different preferences. No one is "owed" a shot. The only thing you are owed is respect, you are not owed attention, a date, or a chance. People go into it with their own preferences and ideas, knowing full well that their pool may be limited, but they are okay with that.

I think you need to accept that yes, some guys won't go for a woman with kids - but that is okay because there are many who will. By omitting this info, you are only shooting yourself in the foot here.

Sorry to disagree, but most people do not use dating sites to meet friends or acquaintances or mentors or teachers.

While it's good to be open minded and enjoy each date, it's still best to be upfront about who you really are and not string anyone along regarding marital status, kids or intentions.

We may not be a perfect match, but we may become good acquittances, and learn from each other. I do learn from my dates, from each and everyone. Where else in life are we intimately exposed to many different kinds of people? Life generally is set in routine, and we do not come in contact with people who may enrich us in some unexpected ways.

At 40 years old.....being divorced with children really shouldn't be an issue at all as most men will be in the same boat. When you first posted, I kind of thought you might be in your early or mid 20's and having a hard time, but...... Don't just assume that the guys flaked because of your children. There are a million and one reasons they could have walked away that have absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you have kids.

I cut off a guy for not making it known. In fact, his OLD profile said he had no children. When he told me he did upon meeting(and yes, minor kids), I just X'ed him out.

I would absolutely date a man with kids, but certainly not one that feels he has to hide that or 'slowly reveal' in order to find someone.