Feeling a little betrayed. Father in law etiquette

Hello everyone. First post. I just need some room to vent and I didn't think airing it on facebook was appropriate where the parties involved and their family could see. I didn't want to be malicious or hurt feelings.

Anyways, I am a husband to a beautiful woman and father to an amazing little boy (17 months) and since he would soon be transitioning into a "big boy" bed I felt it was time to get the ball rolling. I like to build stuff and I am good with my hands, on top of being an avid off-road enthusiast I figured I would build my first and only son a Jeep bed. Plans are online and they fit a twin mattress good.

So a little fill in....my wife is very close to her family and EXTREMELY close to her mother. My mother died so I have gotten close to my wife's family. We go to dinner at their house almost every week and my wife is over there more than a couple times weekly. They are very nice and I couldn't ask for better "In-Laws".

One night at dinner I mentioned how I wanted to build my son this bed. Her dad is a carpenter and good with building things so I wanted to see what he thought. I always welcome advice and I'm open to ideas.

Fast forward a few weeks, I was home and relieved a text message from her father saying he liked my idea and took it upon himself to draw up some ideas. The design wasn't really what I wanted and it was very long. My sons room isn't big enough and I mentioned I already had the plans on top of we had ZERO space available to store it since my son was only 15 months at the time and not ready. I RESPECTFULLY declined and made sure as to not offend or hurt his feelings.

Fast forward a couple weeks and my wife and I pull up to her parents house for dinner one night. The garage is open and her dad is there working on the now complete Jeep bed. Lots of emotions inside me that I did a good job holding back. I was mad to say the least. The fact that it was complete, he didn't ask for my help, I wasn't part of the project at all....and it was my idea.

I'm not a prideful person. I don't think it was pride that was eating at me but I couldn't help feeling like this. Not sure if it was jealousy or what. Anyways he and I had a talk after the girls swiftly went inside the house to avoid any conflict that was brewing. He said that he was just bored and wanted to build something. He also said that he told a couple neighbors he had it and they would be interested if I didn't want it. I didn't want it.

So on the drive home my wife asked me what I thought. I said it was nice that he took the time...but I didn't want it. I said I had a very specific idea of how I wanted it to be and that I wanted to build my son his first bed! Not too much to ask I think. My wife is quite lovely, and she loves her family....but I think that she is not seeing where I am coming from. I only say that because over that past few weeks she has been pressuring me more and more to "just take it".

She disguises her motives as "I want our son to be in a big boy bed" and the most recent is she doesn't want another kid to have a bed her DAD built. I'm just very confused now how I should be feeling or if it's me. I feel a little betrayed and I feel like my wife should have my back....not her dads. I think him going behind my back to build this bed and not even ASK me to help....when it was my idea to begin with.

So I guess my question is... How would you feel if you had an idea and someone went and put it into action without you? Thank you in advance!

It seems he liked your idea and ran with it. It's their grandson and yeah grandparents may go a bit crazy. let it roll, not worth the family drama over a kid's bed. Be prepared for more grandparents over-the top spoiling, it happens. Don't put your wife in the middle. Take the high road, accept the bed and next time, do something great for your son without telling grandpa about it.

From an outside perspective, this seems like a classic case of "much ado about nothing." I don't mean to be rude in saying that, because I realize the emotions of this situation are very real. But because you're so caught up in the story you are telling yourself, it's hard for you to see this clearly and objectively.

I can completely understand why you feel so offended by your father-in-law's actions. But this post isn't about your father-in-law. It's about you.

I'm not sure you realize how blessed you are to have such good in-laws. I'm not sure you can see this from your wife's perspective. In the end, the bed doesn't matter. This is about your relationship with the people you love.

If your pride and ego weren't factors, how would you respond to this situation? What's a better story you can tell yourself than the one that has created so much anger and unrest?

It seems he liked your idea and ran with it. It's their grandson and yeah grandparents may go a bit crazy. let it roll, not worth the family drama over a kid's bed. Be prepared for more grandparents over-the top spoiling, it happens. Don't put your wife in the middle. Take the high road, accept the bed and next time, do something great for your son without telling grandpa about it.

Roger that. I already told myself that no future ideas will be discussed. I want to add that what he did was not meant to be malicious. He just didn't have any regard to how I felt about it.

Also I haven't put my wife in the middle....it was more that she put ME on the spot.

From an outside perspective, this seems like a classic case of "much ado about nothing." I don't mean to be rude in saying that, because I realize the emotions of this situation are very real. But because you're so caught up in the story you are telling yourself, it's hard for you to see this clearly and objectively.

 

I can completely understand why you feel so offended by your father-in-law's actions. But this post isn't about your father-in-law. It's about you.

 

I'm not sure you realize how blessed you are to have such good in-laws. I'm not sure you can see this from your wife's perspective. In the end, the bed doesn't matter. This is about your relationship with the people you love.

 

If your pride and ego weren't factors, how would you respond to this situation? What's a better story you can tell yourself than the one that has created so much anger and unrest?

Hmmm. I thought I had addressed that I was grateful how good they were. I do appreciate what I have. It's just something that has been eating at me. This all started a couple months ago so I have literally looked at it from all perspectives. Lol I am not prideful nor do I have an ego

Exactly. Do and make great things for your boy and show grandpa when you're done.

I already told myself that no future ideas will be discussed.

Going to go the Gebaird on this one. Don't get so fixated on this bed, there will be so many other things you can build and do, there is so much more life and experiences with your son for you in store, bigger ones, more important ones that this bed is just not worth wrecking the family relationships over.

Btw, growing up what I remember the most and treasure the most with my father are not material things but what he did with me what he taught me. Camping trips, how to make a fire, fishing, learning to skate, skiing trips, hiking in the mountains, learning to drive a stick and how to fix a skid on a turn. You are the guy who will be there for all of that for your son, not the grandparents. So let the grandparents do what they can because really, stuff is pretty much all they can do at their age.

Also, I think it's awesome that grandpa can build stuff, so next time you want to do something skip talking about it and just invite him over to do it with you straight up. It will save you grief like this and keep your relationship good and happy.

Personally, it wouldn't be him going ahead and building the bed that frustrated me. It'd be him not having been bothered to work out the dimensions in the bedroom before building a bed that's too big for it and one you don't have room to store.

But, as said, that's a pretty tough battle to wage and expect to come out ahead in. Ultimately, he was being a thoughtful- even if a tad overbearing- grandfather. You've already heard and taken the advice of keeping future ideas to yourself, so there's not much else I can add.

Personally, it wouldn't be him going ahead and building the bed that frustrated me. It'd be him not having been bothered to work out the dimensions in the bedroom before building a bed that's too big for it and one you don't have room to store. .

Lol I said the same thing. The twin mattress I had designed for would have put the bed at 75" (6') but he added a play area and hood which puts it at around 8' maybe over. My sons room is 9' lol

Anyways yes he just tried doing something nice I get it

Going to go the Gebaird on this one. Don't get so fixated on this bed, there will be so many other things you can build and do

 

Btw, growing up what I remember the most and treasure the most with my father are not material things but what he did with me what he taught me. Camping trips, how to make a fire, fishing, learning to skate, skiing trips, hiking in the mountains, learning to drive a stick and how to fix a skid on a turn. You are the guy who will be there for all of that for your son, not the grandparents.

 

Also, I think it's awesome that grandpa can build stuff, so next time you want to do something skip talking about it and just invite him over to do it with you straight up. It will save you grief like this and keep your relationship good and happy.

And you're right. Everything you said was never overlooked by myself...I thought about that stuff. I just wondered why not build a freakin TOY BOX instead of what I wanted lol

Hmmm. I thought I had addressed that I was grateful how good they were. I do appreciate what I have.

Saying you are grateful and acting grateful are two different things, no? Gratitude and resentment are polar opposites, yet you claim to be feeling both. Do you think your father-in-law feels and knows how grateful you are for him? Or might he instead be feeling your annoyance and resentment?

I am not prideful nor do I have an ego

That's exactly what your ego wants you to think, lol

I'm not trying to be combative or insert MY ego into this situation There have just been times when I thought I was ego- and pride- free, but looking back I realize I was pretty buried in layers of self-deception. You know yourself better than I do, of course, but when I find myself resenting a situation, ego is usually a factor. When there's no ego involved, I'm able to let things go quickly and easily -- not sit and stew about it for a couple of months.

And you're right. Everything you said was never overlooked by myself...I thought about that stuff. I just wondered why not build a freakin TOY BOX instead of what I wanted lol

I get your feelings and I get where you are coming from, but looking at the bigger picture, I'd let this one go. Don't let yourself get so fixated on a ....bed..... It's not a competition between you and him and he probably honestly meant well and just didn't realize how emotionally attached you are to the idea. How could he? He can't get inside of your head and know how you really feel. Thing is that to everyone else, it's just a bed and a cute idea.

If you stay angry and refuse to accept the bed, that is pride and ego and it will drive a wedge between you all for a long time. You would also be implying that he did it on purpose to undermine you, but I think you know that he didn't. So let it go. Invite him over, get some good beer and build a dang toy box together and patch up. Change how you go about stuff in the future. If you are attached to an idea, keep it to yourself and do it or invite him over to actually help if you want, but that way you are in charge of the project.

Saying you are grateful and acting grateful are two different things, no? Gratitude and resentment are polar opposites, yet you claim to be feeling both. Do you think your father-in-law feels and knows how grateful you are for him? Or might he instead be feeling your annoyance and resentment?

I should hope so on both. I do a pretty good job showing my appreciation and lending a hand all the time. Through the Hurricane or setting up for dinner. I also thought that it was a "line crossed" and I voiced it in a very respectable manner. This is the only family I have and I don't want to compromise that. Which is what brings me here

I should hope so on both. I do a pretty good job showing my appreciation and lending a hand all the time. Through the Hurricane or setting up for dinner. I also thought that it was a "line crossed" and I voiced it in a very respectable manner. This is the only family I have and I don't want to compromise that. Which is what brings me here

 

Ya I'm not sure but I don't want to sit and argue or try and convince you of who I am. I asked for advice and you've delivered. For that I am grateful. So I'll agree to disagree sir

I get your feelings and I get where you are coming from, but looking at the bigger picture, I'd let this one go. Don't let yourself get so fixated on a ....bed..... It's not a competition between you and him and he probably honestly meant well and just didn't realize how emotionally attached you are to the idea. How could he? He can't get inside of your head and know how you really feel. Thing is that to everyone else, it's just a bed and a cute idea.

 

If you stay angry and refuse to accept the bed, that is pride and ego and it will drive a wedge between you all for a long time. You would also be implying that he did it on purpose to undermine you, but I think you know that he didn't. So let it go. Invite him over, get some good beer and build a dang toy box together and patch up. Change how you go about stuff in the future. If you are attached to an idea, keep it to yourself and do it or invite him over to actually help if you want, but that way you are in charge of the project.

I understand. I had to get it off my chest and like I said I didn't want to air this mess on Facebook and create more problems or make it bigger.

He and I get along great. I shake his hand literally everytime I arrive at his house or when I see him. I expect him and he did a great job with raising my wife. I ask him to help me on lots of projects. Building generator houses or putting down hardwood floors in y house. Etc.

I guess the part that got me was how the night he texted me and I said to things like "hold off" or "not yet" lol would have gotten the message across.

Anyways I texted my wife who is currently in class and (reluctantly) agreed to take the bed. I didn't let her know about the reluctance part lol. But like you guys have stated. It's just not worth it. I will accept and just move forward. He did a great job and it is nice. Regardless of me being involved. There will be lots of other things to do for my son.

I'm not trying to be combative or insert MY ego into this situation There have just been times when I thought I was ego- and pride- free, but looking back I realize I was pretty buried in layers of self-deception. You know yourself better than I do, of course, but when I find myself resenting a situation, ego is usually a factor. When there's no ego involved, I'm able to let things go quickly and easily -- not sit and stew about it for a couple of months.

Perhaps I was just wanting affirmation or expecting people to just be on my side like "What a inconsiderate jerk". Lol

I wouldn't have benefited from that however and I still would have been mad. I do appreciate your insight

You'll eventually have two kids, right? And they both need beds? Have them store the other bed for your other future kid.

Speaking as a person who owns a Jeep bed for their 4 year old with a hubby who loves to fix things.

Sometimes older folk need to prove them still got it.

I am not prideful nor do I have an ego

Obviously you do, or you wouldn't be so annoyed that by what the grandpa did.

How about make it about the kid, and how lucky he is that he has people in his life who's willing to make him Jeep beds!

You'll eventually have two kids, right? And they both need beds? Have them store the other bed for your other future kid.

 

Speaking as a person who owns a Jeep bed for their 4 year old with a hubby who loves to fix things

Okay so perfect example. If your husband was LEGIT excited and planned to build something for one of your kids, and your dad did not tell him but went behind and built his idea you're gonna tell me your husband would not feel upset.

I think you're looking at this all wrong and it started earlier in the thread...everyone thinks I don't get along with father in law? No one knows our relationship and we get along great. It was one specific instance where there was a small pronblem. Anyways ask your husband that question and see what he says. It would be YOUR dad so right off the bat your opinion would be biased. Which is exactly my point and predicament

We do understand your frustration. We really really do. I think what all of us are focusing on is that no matter how miffed you are and legitimately so, it's best to let it go.

Also, no doubt you do get along with your father in law. That much is clear too. I do believe him when he says that he was bored and just did it. I really don't think he considered the emotional aspect and was probably more like "well, son in law busy, I'm bored. Let me make this for them and I already have the plans." You both obviously like and care and respect each other and have a good connection. However, we all sometimes do things that are stupid and unintentionally inconsiderate. I truly believe that had he known the emotional aspect of this and how much it meant to you, he wouldn't have touched it, but he didn't and....well....he may be the kind of person who is not so in touch with that kind of stuff anyway. One of those you shoot, flies 50 feet over his head kind of a thing. Your hints of wait, don't to it yet, I have plans, etc, etc didn't register as intended.

Anyway, families....you will p$ss each other off sometimes....'cause it's life... but then you forgive because that's family. Btw, if he as oblivious before I'm certain he is plenty aware now and might be more careful in the future....or not....lol.... Well you know how to manage that going forward anyway. Lesson learned.

No, he would not be offended, like at all. We appreciate people helping us and gifts from others.

In a huge way, regardless if you love the dude and your wife to pieces, you are essentially saying to your wife and the FIL that his gifts are not good enough for you and your son.

Do you feel that your wife doesn't listen to you, or doesn't normally stick up for you? I don't think this is really about the bed. There's something going on with you. Do you not feel supported regularly? Are you having troubles at work? Troubles in the bedroom? All of it intermingles together.

No, he would not be offended, like at all. We appreciate people helping us and gifts from others.

 

In a huge way, regardless if you love the dude and your wife to pieces, you are essentially saying to your wife and the FIL that his gifts are not good enough for you and your son.

 

Do you feel that your wife doesn't listen to you, or doesn't normally stick up for you? I don't think this is really about the bed. There's something going on with you. Do you not feel supported regularly? Are you having troubles at work? Troubles in the bedroom? All of it intermingles together.

Lol I was replying when you edited the post. Not sure why you added the "troubles in the bedroom" thing but that's funny.

No problems there minus a little boy that takes up lots of time and space.nand by space I mean the middle of the bed occasionally. Not sure how most married couple are after kids but sex is for sure not as frequent after a kid. But still great nonetheless. No problems there. She supports me and my decisions. Sometimes she doeznt have my back or will question me on something that happened when I tell her something. While we haven't been married long I feel that you should back your husband before father though. The father gives the daughter away and she should support her husband.

I'm not unreasonable. I respect my wife,mjust sometimes we have a different perspective on things. We have great communication though so even if we have an argument it won't last too long. Hour tops then cool down and talk it out

Yeah, then it's just you and you making a mountain out of a molehill. If this is your biggest gripe so far, you are a very lucky man. You will need to learn to pick your battles.

Let me say it one more time. You will need to learn to pick your battles.

If you don't clarify outloud to others, that you are so stoked to do this, and want to only do it yourself, don't get mad at others and think they are trying to spite you because they cannot read your thoughts and know what you mean and expect them to assume things.

There are things in this world, when it comes to being married for a while, and having more than one kid, that if this is what is keeping you up at night, and you're sweating hardcore about this - you need to find bigger problems in your life; I mean, like redirect that energy into work, or volunteering, or a new business.

Reality check - you are mad that someone else took the time to make a bed for your kid. Think about it. It's not him telling you how to raise your kids, or your wife cheating on you, or your friend going on how horrible you are, or your kids doing drugs. Someone made a bed for your kid. Your wife appreciates it. And you feel like they are doing it to hurt you. That your bed isn't good enough. Ego running high all around.

I should also reiterate, my second son just had his 1st birthday, and while I usually stress no clothes as gifts, I didn't this time, and you know what?

He got 12 things of clothes he won't be able to wear because of the size and the season it would fit. It's my fault I didn't stress no clothes. Can't just assume people know you don't want clothes. But I also, smile and be grateful that people got him a present, and I thank them.

Yeah, then it's just you and you making a mountain out of a molehill. If this is your biggest gripe so far, you are a very lucky man. You will need to learn to pick your battles.

 

Let me say it one more time. You will need to learn to pick your battles.

 

If you don't clarify outloud to others, that you are so stoked to do this, and want to only do it yourself, don't get mad at others and think they are trying to spite you because they cannot read your thoughts and know what you mean and expect them to assume things.

 

There are things in this world, when it comes to being married for a while, and having more than one kid, that if this is what is keeping you up at night, and you're sweating hardcore about this - you need to find bigger problems in your life; I mean, like redirect that energy into work, or volunteering, or a new business.

 

Reality check - you are mad that someone else took the time to make a bed for your kid. Think about it. It's not him telling you how to raise your kids, or your wife cheating on you, or your friend going on how horrible you are, or your kids doing drugs. Someone made a bed for your kid. Your wife appreciates it. And you feel like they are doing it to hurt you. That your bed isn't good enough. Ego running high all around.

Haha. Have a good day bro. Thank you for the advice

If you were my hubby, he'd be totally ticked off that I told him to get over it, instead of coddling him with every misinterpretation or ill-will feeling he feels. And so, you are no different. Think of it this way, how many more Christmases or Birthdays will the FIL get be around for? With my dad who's rocking 75, don't know. Life is short.

Accept his gift graciously, because once you step on a person's toes once over gifts, it sets up how he will be giving gifts to your son moving forward. Just put in the basement or someplace, or let his friend's or cousins sleep on it, or whatever till you're ready to use it. But trust me - pick your battles.