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Wife's peculiar facebook activity.


Unreasonable

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The other day, my wife made another facebook account, using her maiden name, under the pretense that she could "hide" from her normal account while she's working to only VIPs and not hear all the notifications, interruptions, etc. Make's sense, no problem. I actually have a fake fb account (totally fake name) that I use for fb forum plugins from time to time. Well, now she's fully fleshing out the account, putting her own picture on there, subscribing to groups, having discussions with people on these groups. Her bio says "I'm trying to connect to my identity, and get closer to myself. Inward reflection getting to know myself, people and things of my youth are highly welcomed. I'm trying to get back to my roots"

 

I don't know too many (well, nobody) married people that do something like this. I find it peculiar that she's got this as her vision statement coupled with using her maiden name. It seems off and irregular, and I find it a little disturbing. How should I take this?

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Did she tell you about this account? Or did you find out about it on your own? Are you friends with her on this account? Did she block your "regular" account from her new one?

 

I think it's weird, yeah. Especially the maiden name part - that I don't get. Seems like she is trying to relive her youth or reconnect with others - and leave her current life (husband included) out of it.

 

Are you two in marriage counseling yet or is she still against the idea?

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The other day, my wife made another facebook account, using her maiden name, under the pretense that she could "hide" from her normal account while she's working to only VIPs and not hear all the notifications, interruptions, etc. Make's sense, no problem. I actually have a fake fb account (totally fake name) that I use for fb forum plugins from time to time. Well, now she's fully fleshing out the account, putting her own picture on there, subscribing to groups, having discussions with people on these groups. Her bio says "I'm trying to connect to my identity, and get closer to myself. Inward reflection getting to know myself, people and things of my youth are highly welcomed. I'm trying to get back to my roots"

 

I don't know too many (well, nobody) married people that do something like this. I find it peculiar that she's got this as her vision statement coupled with using her maiden name. It seems off and irregular, and I find it a little disturbing. How should I take this?

 

I would question why she needs to be on Facebook so bad that she requires a second account to avoid the disruptions of what Facebook is. Are you included in this account?

 

I also have a fake account for forum pluggins. It has no friends attached, so its not the same as what your wife is doing.

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She told me about it and actually added me as a friend. So, I'm not completely excluded. But I'm not marked as her husband in it either.

 

I do think there is some sort of midlife identity crisis behind this. I agree with wanting to be "more than Mrs", but I'm not sure if that is necessarily bad. What I don't know is if there's some sort of vaguely nefarious intent behind it. Like, you know how people transitioning into another gender don't do it all at once, they do it bit by bit? I'm a little worried this is a similar process to transitioning to a life without me. I'm almost positive she would deny that if I straight up asked her.

 

We're not in counselling at the moment. I have a feeling she will pooh pooh this as no big deal and not worthy of that.

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Yeah I wouldn't be worried about it if you were included in the new account and she was using her regular name - not pretending to "hide" you or something.

 

What's ridiculous about her using her maiden is that Facebook has an option: if you want old friends/colleagues to be able to find you and you've changed names, you can still have your profile pop up if someone searches for your maiden name. You can do this in settings. You can even display your maiden name in parenthesis next to your "real" name on Facebook, or you can leave it private and STILL have it listed in your settings so people can search for you.

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Ideally, re-connecting with our identity or our authentic self should not clash with our marital life etc, the two can go hand in hand. Plus, again ideally, it shouldn't give a feeling of exclusion to the significant people in our lives. If so, there is a relationship problem, at least from your side. Do you think your wife is doing this to avoid judgment from in-laws, relatives, people from work etc etc or does this indicate an emotional separation between the two of you? Asking her reasons may help you understand. The way it is now, it sounds a bit funny. Imagine a man doing these and how strong many people's judgments about a mid-life crisis would be. I mean, are you allowed to do this in your marriage as a man?

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Marital problems are a lot more than fb musings. That is merely a symptom...or nothing but trying to reconnect to folks who knew her by he maiden name such as colleagues, fellow alumni, etc.

 

Surely she has you as husband/married etc on her other account? It's doubtful she is changing genders or identities. What makes you think that?

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Ideally, re-connecting with our identity or our authentic self should not clash with our marital life etc, the two can go hand in hand. Plus, again ideally, it shouldn't give a feeling of exclusion to the significant people in our lives. If so, there is a relationship problem, at least from your side. Do you think your wife is doing this to avoid judgment from in-laws, relatives, people from work etc etc or does this indicate an emotional separation between the two of you? Asking her reasons may help you understand. The way it is now, it sounds a bit funny. Imagine a man doing these and how strong many people's judgments about a mid-life crisis would be. I mean, are you allowed to do this in your marriage as a man?

 

Ya know, I totally wish I could come up with a male analog for this. It's not like I can switch to my maiden name or anything. I definitley think it's focusing on an authentic self issue, and given that she's added all her truly close friends and family, I'm not not sure if it is to avoid judgement from anybody. Who knows.

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Surely she has you as husband/married etc on her other account? It's doubtful she is changing genders or identities. What makes you think that?

Yes, I'm on her other account as her husband.

 

I don't think she's changing genders, lol. I'm just thinking she this may taking baby incremental steps (like an smart transition) to actually being a "non-Mrs." Then again, I could be being paranoid. But there is no doubt the last couple years haven't been perfect.

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The whole "her name being her maiden name" squicks me out and I'm wondering the same as you, Unreasonable. Is this a transition towards divorce. Just giving my perspective, if I had a married female friend and I saw on Facebook that she made a new facebook with her maiden name OR she changed her name to a maiden one, I would assume she was separated or her marriage was really, really, really rocky.

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I don't think you should be really worried. I have a pseudo-FB too, for games and the like. Maybe she just wants to reach out to people but doesn't want anyone personal to know that she is struggling. If not marriage counseling, then maybe ask if she'd like to consider solo counseling, just for her.

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Fb musings are not the same as being served papers for divorce. Now THAT is a "transition to non-mrs.", lol

 

Seriously, if you are this clueless about the health of your marriage/relationship perhaps it's time to actually TALK to each other.

I'm just thinking she this may taking baby incremental steps (like an smart transition) to actually being a "non-Mrs."
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The whole "her name being her maiden name" squicks me out and I'm wondering the same as you, Unreasonable. Is this a transition towards divorce. Just giving my perspective, if I had a married female friend and I saw on Facebook that she made a new facebook with her maiden name OR she changed her name to a maiden one, I would assume she was separated or her marriage was really, really, really rocky.

 

That's what I want to figure out. i want to determine if it's harmless, or expose it for what it is if it isn't harmless. I too would interpret it the way you did, which makes it kind of embarrassing. People can see this account as if they have any mutual friends. One of her friends already friend requested her unprompted.

 

Tricky.

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I never really looked at it that way, regardless of title I've always felt we "belonged to eachother" equally.

 

Yes, but Mrs states like a property ownership. I can't change to my maiden name because it is the same as my married one... Lol. But I am seeing many women do this and it is not about wanting out of marriage but defining the self as an individual not always part of us.

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