Past patterns not letting move on from a broken relationship

Sorry in advance for the long post, and huge thanks for reading.

About a year ago I was struggling to move on from a dysfunctional "thing" with an individual who I later understood had a narcissistic personality disorder (that's what my then-therapist had said, and when I researched the subject in depth, it became apparent). He was a covert narcissist and though at times extremely affectionate and warm, easily and unpredictably turned into totally cold and callous, back and forth. No physical abuse, but psychological one was intensive and kind of a mind-f__k. Let's call him Croco.

I then met someone else who was very different and one of the most wonderful and caring people I'd ever met (Nathan). We were friends at first (very close good friends), for a few months, though there were feelings on both sides.

In May, our feelings came out and we got involved - and two days later he was notified of being transferred to another continent for work, an opportunity he couldn't pass. At first I wanted to stay away, but somehow in the summer before he departed, we got together again - in a silly way, without solid plan or clear intensions. It made us both deeply attached.

Then he left. Normally, I am ok to handle such partings, done it many times, but here smth in me went off. I became retroactively resentful for how I did not resist his affection and got sooo deep in, and regretful of our physical connection. To make things much much harder, though Nathan was very present and affectionate and even insistent on seeing me when he was here (at times even more than I wanted, but I'd often respond/be there as I didn't want him to think I didn't care), after departure his new job and responsibilities with relatives (traditional culture) left him very little time to sustain anything, so I was upset at the contrast. I could feel all the old patterns from Croco surfacing out, and unfortunately lashed out a couple of times.

In October I had come to decide that since we both have such strong feelings, I won't be stuck up on staying in this country and, once I finish the thesis, will be open to move to wherever he is to have a proper relationship. However, by that time my previous behaviour and insecurities + the big changes in his life from being a student to being burdened with so many other responsibilities => all led to him utterly averse to any commitment, which further percolated into his feelings and resulted in change of heart.

I was heart-broken for a few weeks. Then I apologised for my misgivings and also reassured him that he shouldn't feel guilty or bad about his change (I had correctly sensed that he did a lot). This had a positive effect, he noticeably became more at ease with me and less closed-off. For myself, I should've stopped all communication at that point.

The Croco experience unfortunately left me with weird patterns and huge Need to leave "on a good note", while someone still wants me. To disappear before the other person grows indifferent. It became so overwhelmingly important. Last week as Nathan was trying to skype (didn't make it as we couldn't match our times), instead of being too available and reassuring him (he knows it bothers me if he reaches out repeatedly when I'm busy and then disappears, b/c it mimicks the "hot-cold" Croco style, even though in his case totally unintentionally), I shouldn't have replied at all and just stopped talking. Now I haven't heard back from him in 5 days, i know he's periodically busy, but it makes me feel bad that I again behaved "loosery". I missed a good moment to exit completely and start a new chapter, which I should have immediately after he accepted my apology and felt better. That was the good point to leave.

I don't know how to communicate anymore. After the old abuse, I became so bad with words and don't see where to draw the line between maintaining my boundaries doing what's good for me (not replying frantically when I'm busy with work, taking time with response if I need to) and becoming too accommodating to others at my own cost. When stressed out, I just give in b/c cannot think clearly in the moment (whether it's smth big or small). And then feeling retroactively resentful. Why do I always do that, and what to do now???

CBT or such therapy is not really an option, as I'm in foreign country, writing thesis and without a job, and my insurance wouldn't cover it...

I suppose I should fully accept that it's over and not hope anymore, right? I want to hope because what we had in spring and summer was amazing, and I really saw him as a potential partner - we both did. But I shouldn't hang in limbo just for a vague chance. I just want to find a way to close this somehow, but don't know how exactly - in a way that preserves what is left of my dignity (and at least on some level might make him miss me, which might anyway not happen though).

I have a friend who's last name is Croco. Hope this isnt him.

Breakups are upsetting no matter the circumstances or who did the dumping. You have to stop wondering if he will miss you, which you think will be good for your dignity or ego. He is in your past now, so no contact with him will eventually get you to a better place.

Just because he chose not to be in a committed relationship with you, doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. Sometimes the guy doesn't want a long term relationship with anyone, and even if a woman is the most charming beautiful female on the planet, he's gone after he has some wild times with her. Sometimes his intent was for long term, but found out she wasn't the match he was looking for, and still, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with the woman.

You took a risk and it didn't pan out. With closure you will eventually heal and move on. In my life experience, if I didn't get a job and was really upset about it and cursed cruel fate, I'd eventually get a great job and then be grateful I didn't get the previous job. It's been the same with men. At the time I was really devastated when a guy broke up with me who really wasn't good for me, but I was too close to the situation to see reality or hoped for change. When I met my future husband, I realized the ex did me a huge favor. I'm so much happier with the man who would become my husband. I'm guessing the same will happen to you.

No, Edmund Exley, Croco is not even his real name...

Thanks, Andrina, for your response. Yet as I explained, it's not just losing Nathan. It's HOW I've been in the process. I seem to have lost all natural normal healthy ways of dealing with things and developed smth that feels like an OCD with communication: what do I say, how I say it.

Sometimes i overthink each line and word, thinking that it may have been either too affectionate for the situation even if smth he said or did annoyed me a little bit, and yet I swallow it and pretend that it was absolutely nothing, and later my needless affection and over-assuring makes me feel loosery and not like a strong person; or too dry/cold (he doesn't deserve hostility, either).

I developed these problems "where is the line??" with Croco, b/c with him anything I said could and was used against me, and it was very regular yet unpredictable. So now I get completely obsessed over these in anything with a romantic type, even (and especially) when it's over. I don't know how to communicate anymore in these cases. And if I don't, I feel STUCK and cannot move forward, because I don't know how else to get a CLOSURE!

It's not even just whether he'd miss me (though it would help); it is much more that I keep making small mistakes and not being authentic, and then there is no possibility to redeem myself and do what is right for me. I never assert myself for the fear of displeasing the other person. Not that he does some big bad things, but even for small ones, why do I never keep my boundaries?

And now it is too late!.. The interaction is gone, and i dont' have another chance. I don't like to close it on This note.

All I can tell you is that patterns can be changed, habits can be changed, behaviors can be changed, even how you think and perceive the world around you can be changed. It's not an easy road, but you can do it if you want to badly enough.....or rather if it's making you miserable enough that it's no longer tolerable and change has to happen.

In your shoes and given the severity, I'd book an appointment with a therapist and also hit the bookstore and pick up some behavioral self help books to seek additional help and ideas on how to change your patterns. Not just wishful thinking but a concrete plan of actions that you execute step by step daily.

Start with "I can stop this thinking. I CAN get closure without talking to ex's." Whatever you tell yourself is what becomes your reality. So for as long as you keep telling yourself that you can't, then you won't be able to. Tell yourself you can long enough and you will be able to.

All I can tell you is that patterns can be changed, habits can be changed, behaviors can be changed, even how you think and perceive the world around you can be changed. It's not an easy road, but you can do it if you want to badly enough.....or rather if it's making you miserable enough that it's no longer tolerable and change has to happen.

 

In your shoes and given the severity, I'd book an appointment with a therapist and also hit the bookstore and pick up some behavioral self help books to seek additional help and ideas on how to change your patterns. Not just wishful thinking but a concrete plan of actions that you execute step by step daily.

 

Start with "I can stop this thinking. I CAN get closure without talking to ex's." Whatever you tell yourself is what becomes your reality. So for as long as you keep telling yourself that you can't, then you won't be able to. Tell yourself you can long enough and you will be able to.

Thanks. So, if you don't mind me asking, what would you do in my place more specifically (aside from therapy, which I can only afford a few sessions of basic counseling, not CBT). I.e. if/when Nathan writes back, would you respond, and how would you keep the tone? Would you try to be friends? Would you agree to skype as usual? would you visit him (I'll be on his continent [for some other thing, not for him] but passing through his home town in January; and had already bought some small gifts in case if I run into him]. Or just occasionally message as polite acquaintances (Xmas, birthdays...)? Or tell him that we shouldn't talk? (though we already had a hundred talks on what we should do and are probably both averse to it).. Or just disappear quietly?

On the one hand, I've always been fond of him, and our friendship was full of trust and warmth even before we were involved. So, normally, I wouldn't want to lose a friend like that in my life - even if we don't socialise a lot. On the other hand, is it normal for a rejected girl to continue giving attention to a man who's had a change of heart about her? I think it will dissolve with time, but occasionally still stings. And the memories are bitter-sweet. I don't know how to act around him, how to be. I'm irked if I'm too nice; and I don't want to be too cold.

What specifically should I do? Books and philosophies are too general. If I could see very clearly and know exactly which actions to take at each step, even if it's sad or whatever, I'd be so much better. It's not a general thing, I get lost with specific actions/words... Any opinions?

Personally, I'd quietly disappear and delete his contact info.

Other than that, the gifts you got him, donate them. Or give them out to random strangers.

The I don't want to lose him as a friend, change that to I am going to make new friends who are more awesome than he ever was. Then you make yourself get out and do it.

That doesn't mean it's going to be easy. It's not. At first you don't feel like it, so you have to make yourself do it until it's no longer a forced effort.

Some books are very specific and detailed. CBT oriented books give you tasks to do daily or teach you how to set them. I am going to go to the bookstore or library and find those books and use them.

Do you see how I am changing your "I can't" to "I can"?

Thanks, DancingFool. It is probably the thing to do. It is just so hard indeed. If I'd left on the "high note" last week and didn't respond when he kept sending messages trying to skype last-moment, it would've been infinitely easier, I would've felt so much more empowered. The irony is that my more real self both I and he would've liked a lot better. I would've felt like I said what I meant in the last "long" email (closure; which indeed I meant, apologising for my earlier misgivings and also absolving him of any guilt for his change of heart), and then nothing further was necessary. By having reacted and engaged and over-assured him, I was fake inside again, that self of me that I hate hate hate. Why can't the last memory be a good one? At this point, all I ask the Universe is to grant me a happy comfortable authentic exit (which it did, and then I missed it, sliding back into that stupid part of me I don't like).

I know much of it is probably my ego - to myself, to prove to myself that I can brush someone away if that's what my intuition told me in that moment (which I didn't); and some semblance of it to him, to have had a more genuine and correct self in the last parting.

I feel so hopeless about myself, and frustrated that I am so unclear in key moments and awareness only comes After an interaction - I'm not sure if any therapy would help with that! If I had done it correctly, as I had many opportunities, none of this protracted pain for months would've happened.

Oh but you see there is no such thing as doing it correctly. Especially when it comes to break ups. You don't do it at just that right moment, you do it when you are good and ready and often in the heat of the moment and every break up has a long lead up to it.

Sounds to me like you are beating yourself up with 20/20 hindsight, but consider that it's called 20/20 hindsight because most of us can see perfectly what should have been, but when in the moment, 99.9999999% of the time people will get tongue tied, say the wrong things, make the wrong decisions, etc, etc, etc. It just makes us all human and you need to allow yourself to be just that. I think therapy and self help books can help you with changing your perceptions about yourself and stop you from beating yourself up like you are doing right now.

Oh...and every exit is authentic regardless of form.