My boyfriend is jobless and seems unambitious

Hi,

I've been with my boyfriend for a year and 6 months. We got pregnant in October 2015 and we now have a 5 months-old daughter together.

During 2014 when we met, he had a full time job as a Marketing Agent and was very dedicated and ambitious. He was supporting me financially while I was studying because my mother is unemployed.

Now I graduated from Varsity and I'm working as Accountant. My boyfriend has left his job and is now struggling to get another one but he's not getting.

It's frustrating me because we now have a baby and we're in a long distance relationship.

He doesn't seem to be making any efforts and he has lost his self-esteem.

He asks for money from me sometimes. It makes me mad.

His parents are married and are both working. But he's too old now because he's 34 and I'm only 25.

Now I want to go back to my studies next year (2017),. to complete my Articles that I laid off for a whole semester since our daughter's birth but I'm afraid if I will be able to handle tuition and our baby's needs, my own, my mom's and his. Should I talk to his parents about it? They are very good people but I don't think they are aware of how their son's situation is affecting me.

I need advice please because I cry everyday.

Why did you have a baby only 6 months into dating?

How long have you been long distance?

It seems like you guys rushed into having a baby before being committed, having financial security, and heck, even knowing each other.

1. Don't have more kids with him.

2. You may need to go to court to get child support from him.

3. Make your priority your baby and not this "so-called" relationship.

Thank you guys for your replies. The thing is. When I met him, he was very promising and he even introduced me to his parents.

I was a full-time student and I experienced hardships because my mother couldn't afford my tuition and the guy helped me settle my whole tuition. He was just so promising really.

We didn't discuss having baby but we got pregnant by mistake. But we love our little girl so much, she's adorable. But now that my boyfriend has lost his job, he just seems very broken/ or rather hopeless ...,(or too relaxed because he knows that i'm there to support the baby)... because we've been applying for jobs since October and no one got back to him yet. Now he says that he's only going to have to wait. I don't think he's told his parents about it yet. I have to save up for my tuition in January and I don't know how to tell his parents that their son's bills plus our daughter's and my moms are completely dependent on me. I'm getting a decent salary but the responsibilities are just too many. He's wasting his potential because he has a Master's in Hospitality Management and he refuses to work in the hospitality industry..., I just don't know. Maybe he doesn't care how much I suffer. Will he even change after getting a job? I fear that if he gets a job he'll still not support the baby. Plus ,he proposed and he wants the engagement to be there this Christmas Eve. I would love to be his fiance but I don't know if his financial situation will one day get better considering he's already 34,. I don't know guys. Please help.

My mom's advice is just, confusing because sometimes she approves and sometimes not.

wooops sorry posted by accident

hi OP. sorry, i caught you guys were long distance? so basically you're a single mum...?

No RainyCoast. We are still dating and he visits me. But he doesn't have a job.

And he also proposed to get engaged to me by this Christmas Eve, but I'm worried because he's too broke.

i would definitely not get engaged at this point.

he visits how often? how far away does he live?

you can get child support. i don't know how extramarital status is defined in the states, but i doubt a visiting boyfriend qualifies.

is your mum on benefits? if not, i'd see what can be done about that first.

My mom isn't on benefits. He visits a lot, mostly surprise visits because he has a car. I have my own place and my mom lives with me there to take care of baby while I'm at work. And our towns are about 500 Km apart (3 hours drive).

Well, he was supporting you for a while (even paying your tuition), now it sounds like you have to return the favor until he can get back on his feet. That's what committed couples do for each other. Is it really that he isn't trying to find employment or simply that it's a tough job market right now? It took my SO over a year to find a job and even then he took a massive pay cut.

Either way, it doesn't seem feasible for you to go back to school full time right now. You have a baby to support and will be doing it on one income for a while.

I mean the simple solution to me seems to be for him to take care of the baby full time. Why are you two LDR?

No RainyCoast. We are still dating and he visits me. But he doesn't have a job.

And he also proposed to get engaged to me by this Christmas Eve, but I'm worried because he's too broke.

Do not marry this guy, then you will be legally obligated to support him. He should be employed before you consider the commitment.

He should be doing whatever is necessary to support his child. You are going to have to put the school on hold.

Why in the world do you support your mother? You need develop some backbone, as it seems that you allow everyone to mooch off of you.

He supported you and now your mad because he is asking you for some money to help him out, wow are you entitled to something he is not? It's a relationship, two-way street both help each other out

Do not marry this guy, then you will be legally obligated to support him. He should be employed before you consider the commitment.

 

He should be doing whatever is necessary to support his child. You are going to have to put the school on hold.

 

Why in the world do you support your mother? You need develop some backbone, as it seems that you allow everyone to mooch off of you.

Marry this guy? lol he supported her for years, don't make her out to be the victim in this post

Is he in the same country? He has to pay child support no matter what. He must get a job and do that. why bother with his parents?

He's a grown man with a child he has to support, let the courts tell him that. Pay whatever he lent you and your mother back.

Stop sending him money at once, unless it's repayment of your and your mother's debt.. Protect your child by standing for her and enforcing child support on her behalf, that is your responsibility.

Stop whining to his parents about your mother's plight, that's not their problem.. Tell your mother to go get a job.

we got pregnant by mistake. I don't know how to tell his parents that their son's bills plus our daughter's are completely dependent on me. I fear that if he gets a job he'll still not support the baby. he's already 34

You are not listening. Two words: child support.

Rossy25, why are you worried that he doesn't want to support the baby?

I feel like I'm missing something.

Very shortly after you met, he paid for your tuition and supported you for a year (?) while you were studying.

He has now been unemployed for two months (since October?) and has been applying to jobs, but has not been hired anywhere. He feels hopeless and feels that he will not be hired anywhere anytime soon.

He doesn't quite seem to me like a leech who is taking advantage to you. After all, if I understand it correctly, he supported you (+ baby) for the past year and 4 months, and you've been returning the favor for 2 months? Many people who become unemployment feel depressed and have low self-esteem and get discouraged, so I'm not sure the problem is really that he has become unambitious. However, I absolutely understand your stress and your frustration. It is very hard to be supporting a family and feel financial stress and have responsibilities at home and at work.

If there are openings in his field that he is turning down simply because it's not what he prefers to do, that's a problem. Have you had a conversation about the financial stress you are feeling? I think you will both have to compromise until finances are more stable: him by getting whatever job will allow all of you to stay afloat until he finds something he really likes, and you by postponing your return to university until your financial situation is more stable.

You two probably need to have a broader conversation about how you will manage finances/the cost of raising your baby in general.

Should I talk to his parents about it? They are very good people but I don't think they are aware of how their son's situation is affecting me.

He's an adult who's responsible for his own actions. His parents have no control over his choices, and they're not obligated to bail him out as a result of these actions. He needs to put his child first, and you owe it to this child to fight for child support.

I'm not buying the fact that he can't find a job, he can sling hamburgers if that's all he can find at the time. Either way, you both have a child to raise, and it's time to step up to the plate.

to me the bottom line is he's not parenting. thus you are in fact a single mum and without him taking up other aspects of child care, he needs to perform the duty of financially providing for the child via child support.

that's how you get an inactive father to provide, not by telling his parents his unemployment bothers you because you're not financially benefiting from him.

decrease your overall financial load by getting grandma on benefits. that and child support should help you make ends meet without expecting an uninvolved father to contribute to the family piggy bank, when he's not even participating in family life and responsibilities.

he did support you through school so i'd make a payment plan to return the money in small payments.

I don't think we're operating on enough information to suggest brazenly slapping the guy with child support orders after he'd financially supported her through school and has just now asked for some give. Especially considering one of the OP's biggest gripes is that she won't be able to go to school if she has to keep working, it's sounding a lot like a pot calling the kettle black situation whereby the guy's biggest crime is not being in a position to financially support her through school yet again.

What would decide it for me is why exactly he's not with you and the baby. Really, with him out of work, it should be him in the house taking care of your kid, not your mom. Not saying she can't help out, but if it's between her or him staying with you, it should be him. Whose decision is the long-distance? If it's him who's insisting on the LDR aspect? If it is a case that he's in fact wanting to stay on his own and wants you to help subsidize his life away from you and the kid, then I'd fully agree that it's no longer time to keep it between you two and to get formal child support.

He's an adult who's responsible for his own actions. His parents have no control over his choices, and they're not obligated to bail him out as a result of these actions. He needs to put his child first, and you owe it to this child to fight for child support.

 

I'm not buying the fact that he can't find a job, he can sling hamburgers if that's all he can find at the time. Either way, you both have a child to raise, and it's time to step up to the plate.

Jobs are very very hard to find nowadays, that's not a good argument. Also, he has already more than stepped up to the plate, it's time for her to do the same

Is he in the same country? He has to pay child support no matter what. He must get a job and do that. why bother with his parents?

 

He's a grown man with a child he has to support, let the courts tell him that. Pay whatever he lent you and your mother back.

 

Stop sending him money at once, unless it's repayment of your and your mother's debt.. Protect your child by standing for her and enforcing child support on her behalf, that is your responsibility.

 

Stop whining to his parents about your mother's plight, that's not their problem.. Tell your mother to go get a job.

Thank you! I don't agree with the POV that "he supported you so you support him" when there's a child involved. That's fine is there was no child.

But there is. It's his legal responsibility to pay child support.

And it seems the OP's mom is taking care of the child during the day so it doesn't seem like he needs to be the primary caregiver.

Jobs are very very hard to find nowadays, that's not a good argument. Also, he has already more than stepped up to the plate, it's time for her to do the same

OP said he turned down hospitality jobs. Jobs are to be found ... just not perhaps the ones you want.

My dad had a PhD in a terrible economy (in the 80s) and scrubbed toilets because he had kids to help support (as my mom also worked menial jobs). People (who are turning down work - not you) need to get over themselves.

he is declining jobs he doesn't like.

the child will be financially dependent for the next 18 years. it was grand of him to pay for op's education, but it doesn't release him of the responsibility for his child. i doubt the amount he payed for school can be deducted out of his child support payments, so i would return the money he spent for school and have him pay for his own child.

that is, unless he plans to move and care for the baby. when he suggested the engagement, did he mean to move in together?

their son's bills plus our daughter's and my moms are completely dependent on me

and who suggests engagement without financial stability, or even involvement in his own child's life? does he have a practical plan to go about solving this?

OP said he turned down hospitality jobs. Jobs are to be found ... just not perhaps the ones you want.

depends where you live, we aren't going to get into a geographical and economic debate about employment prospects