Sudden Notification of Divorce

My wife asked me for a divorce. We were living together and then I took another job in another city. 3 months after I left, she said she wanted a divorce. We talked about my move and we agreed to the move and that we would come back together and live in the same city after I got back on my feet. We visited each other every weekend. The weird thing is the week before she told me she wanted a divorce, we were happy. We were happy before that: we traveled together, had great mutual friends, enjoyed each other's company, I loved listening to her talk.

She told me that she doesn't feel emotionally connected to me and that she doesn't want to work on our marriage. We were together for about 6 years (with a few breaks) and married for 1.5 years before she asked for a divorce.

I don't want her to be in a marriage where she isn't happy, so I am trying to do my best to let her go, but it is hard. Its just shocking to me that it was great one minute and over the next.

It doesn't appear that she left me for another man, but she said that she thinks there's something better for her out there. That hurt my feelings because I thought the purpose of marriage is that we would stop looking for something better.

I guess, I'm simply going through the normal breakup process up and downs, but I miss my wife. I don't want the divorce and I feel helpless to do anything about it. She hasn't filed any papers yet, but its only been a few weeks. She's said she made up her mind. Any chance she changes her mind?

She met someone. I'd bet money on it. Its always the case when its this sudden.

Will she go to marriage counselling with you? It's worth a try.

I too bet she met someone else as one does not fall out of love and ask for a divorce that fast.

She met someone. I'd bet money on it. Its always the case when its this sudden.

I totally agree with you... Those were my exact thoughts too... With women there is nothing too sudden. She probably cheated on you and is leaving you for this guy. I am going through a rough time myself so I know how bad it hurts but believe me, it gets better with time.

Just remember its happening now than 10 years from now so it's all good. Don't have to give away half of your house and cars and Alimony. So just be glad she showed her true colors soon enough.

Goodluck bro

Z

I am so sorry.

No kids?

Get counsel.

Sounds to me like you have discovered a difference in substance and in values. Maybe it did come out of the blue, but that seems unlikely. Do you talk during the week? What do you talk about?

you have had breaks before?

when there's hokey pokey they don't find it as awesome as you do. they settle, until they gather the self-respect and courage to make choices more in line with their desires, or they wait for some cowardly opportunity to do it, like your wife.

i'm concerned you're asking whether she'll be back. was it usually like that, you waiting hoping she'll come back?

indeed, it might turn out she will see the equasion "life minus my husband equals instant happiness" isn't correct, and decide it's easier to settle for this marriage than create a life she wants for herself.

is it the life you want for yourself?

I am so sorry.

 

No kids?

 

Get counsel.

 

Sounds to me like you have discovered a difference in substance and in values. Maybe it did come out of the blue, but that seems unlikely. Do you talk during the week? What do you talk about?

We don't have kids. Now that you mention it, what happened was we had a great weekend. Then she left went back to her city and the first day was normal. The second day was not normal and we didn't talk like we normally for 2-3 days, but she said everything was ok. Then I knew that she was upset because we hadn't been talking like normal, and when we talked she said she wanted a divorce.

Sorry to hear this. Agree it sounds like she may have met someone. Why did you have to "move to get back on your feet"?

Also being on/off prior to marriage is a bit of a warning. What were the breakups about and why did you finally decide to marry despite that?

we would come back together and live in the same city after I got back on my feet. she said that she thinks there's something better for her out there.

Yeah, I mean, I'm not naïve, the thought of her cheating crossed my mind, so that's a pretty distinct possibility. You guys have any tips on how to get through the beginning stages of processing this type of loss? It really feels like someone I love died.

Yeah, I mean, I'm not naïve, the thought of her cheating crossed my mind, so that's a pretty distinct possibility. You guys have any tips on how to get through the beginning stages of processing this type of loss? It really feels like someone I love died.

Acceptance. Don't get the grand thoughts of "Fighting for her". Tell her you accept her choice and move forward respectfully.

Sorry to hear this. Agree it sounds like she may have met someone. Why did you have to "move to get back on your feet"?

Also being on/off prior to marriage is a bit of a warning. What were the breakups about and why did you finally decide to marry despite that?

Had a little bit of a career transition that was a bit more difficult than we anticipated. Got an amazing job in this other city and was going to do that and then either she would move to where I was when she was able or I would move back to where we were once prospects improved.

Definitely red flags with prior breakups. She literally told me the EXACT same thing last time we broke up and we were apart for a few months before getting back together. Got married despite that because I loved her. Definitely could have seen this coming and have no one to blame but myself.

Make an appointment with an attorney they are well versed in how to walk you through it and you will need one sooner or later.. Also a therapist if you need to talk, understand what's happening, etc.

You guys have any tips on how to get through the beginning stages of processing this type of loss? It really feels like someone I love died.

I'm sorry your in pain. Know that others are in the same pain and many who have gone through it and are now happy

Yeah, I mean, I'm not naïve, the thought of her cheating crossed my mind, so that's a pretty distinct possibility. You guys have any tips on how to get through the beginning stages of processing this type of loss? It really feels like someone I love died.

Think of it this way, you don't have to deal with a messy place because it's just going to be you and no one else.

I would look for a roommate if possible a female one so you can have some company and keep you from becoming a slot.

I am still getting divorced and recently separated. Fortunately I'm a cross country truck driver so I keep myself busy with work. At least I am saving up good amount of money while being alone. So yeah there is a lot to take in but as bad as it sounds you need to get yourself some company. Start dating again... It might be tough but if your wife can do it then I am sure so can you.

You are separated after all, which means you are single again. Post lots of pictures of you enjoying your life without her. Make her feel jealous and wished she never walked out on you. Be that fun person you use to be which she fell in love with in the first place.

I know it's not going to be easy but life was never easy. That's what I am doing... And my wife called me and wants me back but I told her I can't because she cheated on me and that I cannot forgive.

Anyway, good luck to you in life. Hope things only get better for you.

Z

Thank you, Zuhair. I appreciate the well wishes and best to you as well.

"She's said she made up her mind. Any chance she changes her mind?"

- It happens, but usually requires intense soul-searching, homework, and understanding on your part.

Many marriages are savable, that is, if they were marriages in the first place.

Loneliness, financial need, Sex, sharing living expenses, purchases, kids, dogs, careers, travel buddy, etc., all, at the time, seem to be marriage, but are only mere substitutions for marriage.

Many times, the actual process of marriage exposes the weakness of a non-genuine union.

So, do really think you were married?

Do you come from compatible backgrounds? Did you have a reasonable/intelligent discovery/dating period?

Helpful hints:

Regardless of the foundation of your marriage; for most husbands, it almost always comes out of the blue.

The suddenness can mean you never listened, there's another person fortifying her, or both.

So you can start to understand the worst case scenario, secretly purchase James Dobson's "Love must be Tough" (Never let her see this book.)

Thanks Lester. I'm not sure I want to save the marriage. I used to be of the mindset that i'm a hero if I can get her back or save our relationship. Honestly, if she'll leave you once, you're just delaying the inevitable. No point in being with someone who is just going to leave at the first sign of trouble. Recipe for disaster. Happy to get out before children. I love her and am willing to work on the marriage, but she asked for the divorce and if she wants to be with me at any point in the futre, she'll have to be the one to say it.

Thanks Lester. I'm not sure I want to save the marriage. I used to be of the mindset that i'm a hero if I can get her back or save our relationship. Honestly, if she'll leave you once, you're just delaying the inevitable. No point in being with someone who is just going to leave at the first sign of trouble. Recipe for disaster. Happy to get out before children. I love her and am willing to work on the marriage, but she asked for the divorce and if she wants to be with me at any point in the futre, she'll have to be the one to say it.

I wish I could disagree with you, but I don't. Out before kids: winner thought.

Work on yourself, now. Start your journey learning something new and going to the gym. Your focus on those things may be inconsistent, but the seeds they sow in your future will be important.

i am sorry and i hate to tell you this, but she has met someone else. 99.9% chance they are having unprotected sex. Step one is to start using a condom again. I got an STD from a cheating wife. Your mind will betray you unto believing her lies. Call a lawyer, do what he says, and find another girl.

i am sorry and i hate to tell you this, but she has met someone else. 99.9% chance they are having unprotected sex. Step one is to start using a condom again. I got an STD from a cheating wife. Your mind will betray you unto believing her lies. Call a lawyer, do what he says, and find another girl.

I don't think they will be having sex anytime soon. And finding another girl to drag into his emotional rollercoaster that lies ahead is the last thing he should do.

Yeah, I mean, I don't care if she met someone else. Not only is it a rebound relationship, if that's what she's doing, but she's in no emotional state to have a successful relationship right now. Her affair (if there is one) will end and she'll be left to pick up the pieces and deal with the consequences of her actions after that. So i'm not too worried.

More troubling to me is that possibility that she'll never ever recognize all the sacrifices and love that I poured into the marriage and that leaving the marriage without even attempting to work on it was justified. If that's the case, it was just a total waste.

I disagree with your theory about it all being a waste.

It only matters what YOU think, not what she validates with words and actions after the fact. You do not need her to say it was a good marriage and you were a good husband for it to be true. You know the truth and that is all that matters.

The person that walks away often rewrites the history of the marriage/relationship so it appears they are doing the right thing. How many spouses have you heard say "Oh he/she was the greatest everything, we were so happy and in love, the sex was the best and we shared so many common interests and views" If someone walked away talking like that EVERYONE would think them crazy.

My point is that what she does or doesn't do really doesn't matter, what you know as the truth, what you feel and felt during the marriage is real and she cannot take that away from you. Don't let her dictate how you feel.

One day when the excitement of all the new in her life has faded and she is licking her wounds from an argument with her next victim she will recall how good it was with you but she can never truly admit it to herself as doing so would be like saying "I was totally wrong, I messed up my whole life because I was selfish"

I know it is not easy to not think about what she is up to but you need to try your best.

Lost

Yeah, you're right. She'll never admit it to herself.

I applaud your boldness in posting this. I was separated from my ex husband for 4 months before we got back together. He lived across town. We didn't make it. All marriages are different but I can't imagine how it works living in different cities. We went to therapy for years when we lived together and we couldn't save it. I still believe all marriages are salvageable. But I do think BOTH parties have to be willing to come through for the other. Both parties must be reasonable. I don't believe shes cheating. I tend to think that women are more emotional so giving some new person your body when you miss your husband is out of the question. Yes, I'm biased. Honestly, I think shes lonely. When I asked for my divorce my husband thought everything was great. I just stopped being upset, so I stopped contesting my unhappiness. To him, we were having a great time. I was just quiet. When I asked for a divorce, he was surprised. I hope things work out. I hope yall stay together if yall can be happy together.

My wife filed for divorce. I asked her if she was happier that we are now apart and she said she doesn't know. But she's still moving this thing through like a rocket. It was just a month ago she said she wanted to split. I've been hanging out with my buddies, getting in shape, killing it at work, and making new friends. It stinks though because every once and a while, I miss her terribly. I'm not ashamed to admit it.

In any event, for the people still holding out hope, there's a good article in the WSJ today about how it is possible to for your partner to fall back in love with you and they control whether or not they will. It is an interesting read. I'm thinking about sending to my wife -- worth it? Or should I just leave her be?