Advice Please

Hi everyone! It's been such a long time since I've posted on here, but here I am again.

A little wiser for the years I'd like to say, but I still need just a little advice on something that's happening right now. I'll try to keep this short and in its condensed version so it's easier to read and follow.

I've known this girl now both in person and on Facebook for several years now, about three to be more precise. There's a rather large age gap (23 years), but we're past that and that's not so much the issue, or perhaps it is? Just recently we started talking more and more, and then I learned that she had a falling out with her last boyfriend, and he threw her to the streets with nowhere to go. So we got together for lunch and talked, and I told her to get her things and to move in with me. I did this because we've always gotten along so well, and I already had a pretty big crush on her.

She's been with me since the week before Thanksgiving, and helped me cook the turkeys for the dinner and went with me, met my family, and had a great time. They all loved her, and invited her to Christmas dinner as well. Living with her has been wonderful, and I couldn't be happier. Now she did tell me that she's not looking for a relationship right now due to what she's been through, and that's understandable. However she knows very well how I feel, and is receptive to holding her, and kissing her from time to time when the moment arises. Like I said, I'm thrilled and couldn't be happier. So what do I need advice on?

This is what I need advice on. Just last night we got the last of her things and brought them here, and I was about to start dinner when she tells me she's going roller skating with her friends and that she'd probably be back that evening more than likely, but if not she'd text me. Well, she never texted me, and she stayed out all night. So really that's no big deal, but my jealous bone, just got tweaked and I'm thinking she didn't stay with her girlfriends, but with some guy? But really, even if she did, I guess I shouldn't be upset about that because we're just getting started here and aren't in a deeply committed relationship at this point. But I'd be lying if I were to say it doesn't bother me a little, or I wouldn't be on her asking you guys for your take on things?

What do you think I should do, if anything at all? Should I say anything or just go on enjoying being together and the upcoming holidays together?

Any advice is much appreciated.

That was absolutely crazy to let her move in. You can't let a pretty face have you so enamored that your common sense flies out the window. When she's ready to be in a relationship, I can guarantee it won't be with you. You will have housed and paid for an acquaintance you know nothing about. A mature woman with her sh&^ together would have the financial means to get her own place after a breakup. You get nothing from this but your misguided hope. She's not a romantic parter. She's using you and giving you those few breadcrumbs of kisses so you won't kick her out.

Even with established couples, it's recommended you wait at least a good year to make major decisions like moving in together after you've seen over time how a partner will treat you, and to make sure no skeletons rattle out of the closet. Therefore, my advice is to tell her you made a mistake and give her two weeks to find another place to live. This will free you to date a woman who is ready to date you. No self respecting woman would date you with the living conditions you have going on now, and so you are in limbo paying a stranger's way who probably thinks of you as dumb as styrofoam. It's not too late to right your wrong.

I really don't know what you're thinking. Are you guys even intimate, is anything actually going on with you two? Because it seems to me that there isn't...except that she happily took you up on your offer to house her, ye're good friends and sometimes affectionate..and that's it? And if she's as young as what I'm guessing (18-22) this is going to get very messy, very fast. And it's all on you.

Ouch, not exactly what I wanted to hear, but this is an advice forum, and as they say, if you can't swallow the medicine, don't ask for it.

Please believe that I am not as dumb as styrofoam lol just guided by the heart instead of the head. Quite a few self-respecting women have dated me, however the living conditions now I created myself. So I bear full responsibility for this.

I truly hope it's not as bad as you say, but if it is, I'll know it before winter is over and will have moved on. Thank you anyway for your advice

she did tell me that she's not looking for a relationship right now due to what she's been through

- you're failing to see the reality- over your crush.

She wants nothing more than just friends with you....so.. whatever she does.. has nothing to do with you.. your feelings etc.

I guess I shouldn't be upset about that because we're just getting started here

Reality... you two are NOT involved.

There's a rather large age gap (23 years),

 

Now she did tell me that she's not looking for a relationship right now

 

she tells me she's going roller skating with her friends and that she'd probably be back that evening more than likely, but if not she'd text me. Well, she never texted me, and she stayed out all night.

What do you think I should do, if anything at all? Should I say anything or just go on enjoying being together and the upcoming holidays together?.

You do nothing. She's not your girlfriend and told you from the get-go, that she's not looking for a relationship right now. She can come and go as she pleases.

Basically, you have given her a place to stay. She's now a room mate and it doesn't sound like she has any romantic feelings for you. You two are not a couple. Not an item. Not involved. Friends? yes. Room mates. I hope she pays her share of the rent/utilities etc.

Yeah, the more I read these responses and think about it, i guess i just did something very foolish, and at the risk of insulting myself, stupid.

You're all right, and I guess I was hoping for something that just isn't going to happen. So now I'm going to have to have a nice long chat with her about all this and admit that I made a mistake. It's a hell of a thing to do right before Christmas, but is any time the right time for something like this? Why did I do it? Well I just survived pancreatic cancer, and the fact that I'm alive in itself is a miracle. I guess I was just looking for another little miracle around Christmas time, but I used my heart instead of my head, and that's never a wise move.

What really has sealed the deal for me on this one is she just updated her profile picture on Facebook to one of her, some guy, and his daughter all head to head and smiling. I looked at his page and he has the same thing up as his background photo. That says it all. She needs to go live there with him, not me. I'm at work now and I just hope to God he's not sitting in my house!

Thanks guys for clearing my head. I needed a good slap in the face

Well I just survived pancreatic cancer

yes, liberate yourself of the wrong people as well. Good luck!

That was absolutely crazy to let her move in. You can't let a pretty face have you so enamored that your common sense flies out the window. When she's ready to be in a relationship, I can guarantee it won't be with you. You will have housed and paid for an acquaintance you know nothing about. A mature woman with her sh&^ together would have the financial means to get her own place after a breakup. You get nothing from this but your misguided hope. She's not a romantic parter. She's using you and giving you those few breadcrumbs of kisses so you won't kick her out.

 

Even with established couples, it's recommended you wait at least a good year to make major decisions like moving in together after you've seen over time how a partner will treat you, and to make sure no skeletons rattle out of the closet. Therefore, my advice is to tell her you made a mistake and give her two weeks to find another place to live. This will free you to date a woman who is ready to date you. No self respecting woman would date you with the living conditions you have going on now, and so you are in limbo paying a stranger's way who probably thinks of you as dumb as styrofoam. It's not too late to right your wrong.

Well, I took your advice and said exactly that, I had made a big mistake and since she's now enamored with someone, and seeing them, she needs to go to be with him.

You were so right, I really did make a huge mistake! And it was all getting to be too much. She'd have her girlfriend over all the time and she'd be here for days on end which was driving me insane! I did not want another semi-permanent house guest who was also eating, showering, and sleeping here. I was doing all the cooking, cleaning, and laundry while they laid around and did whatever they pleased. Had it been just her, which is what I had offered her to help her out, and because I thought there might have been something between us, that would have been different. But it was far from that.

Well she's not taking this well, she's angry and bitter, and saying she knew I would wind up acting like this when things weren't going my way. As in there was no relationship of any kind to speak of. So she said she'll get her things just as soon as she's able. But what worries me is she has a key. Yeah, I know, dumb dumb, dumb! But you were right, I just couldn't take this situation anymore. And I'm sure they were having guys over while I was at work too because just last night I came home and see that my perfectly made bed's duvet is all ruffled and I could smell cheap cologne in the air in my room. Most notably, the mattress was askew from its normal position square on the box spring. So she probably had sex on my bed.

So yeah, this has got to end, and rather quickly because it's run its course. I made a terrible decision, and now hopefully I can get out of it unscathed.

Dont get all discouraged. Locks are SUPER easy to change and you can save money and do it yourself. Around $40 for a brinks lock at Home Depot. I would do that FIRST.

Second..don't fall for her immature BS. She is trying to play victim when she clearly took advantage of you from day 1. I have known too many females that did the same thing and watched a LOT of my friends fall for it. You're not the only one but you should definatley chalk this up to lesson learned and NEVER do it again. It could have gotten ugly.

Who's to say she wouldn't steal your things because she felt entitled by your "insensitivity" to her situation

Change your locks. Get her out

It sounds like she views you as a good Samaritan but is not looking to barter rent by having a relationship or sex.

Agree she probably went out on a date with a guy, because in her mind you are more like the daddy she never had, not a bf or roommates with benefits.

You seem pretty grounded except for that little hic-cup. I think you're going to be fine. Maybe the new guy would be willing to remove all her belongings if she doesn't get them out in a couple of days? She needs a strict time frame or take them to the Salvation Army. She doesn't deserve you and the new man probably doesn't deserve her.

Thank you both for your kind replies. Yes Donna, I try to stay as grounded and stable as I can, however every now and then I'll commit a blunder such as this and it's all due to having too big a heart. My own mother once told me that was my fatal flaw, that I cared too much and loved too freely. "This will be to your own detriment because people will sense it and prey on you for it."

She has been proven right several times now throughout the years. I knew this girl from Facebook mostly. We had met several years prior, but it never went any further than that until just recently I was talking to her online, and she revealed to me that she was essentially homeless, and living in a seedy motel room.

Once again, my fatal flaw kicks in, and since I had already been attracted to her, I thought perhaps if I were to help her, take her out of that environment, give her a chance to find employment, and to get back on her feet, that maybe there might be something between the two of us as well. I promised her that I wasn't going to be all over her for sex, and that was not my intention for doing this. And I was true to my word. I gave her her space, and we got along great. The one night, after dinner we were talking and joking around and I had her laughing so hard she was almost crying! When the laughter subsided, we were holding each other's hand, the look became serious, and we kissed. I just held her, and told her I was really glad she was here and that I was starting to have feelings for her.

I had asked her why her previous boyfriend had thrown her out, and she explained that he was extremely jealous, overbearing, demanding, and sometimes violent. I felt bad for her, believing everything she was telling me without question. Things were progressing nicely between us and she came and spent Thanksgiving with myself and my family. She enjoyed it thoroughly, and everyone loved her too. She had won my family over that day as well and was invited to Christmas dinner as well.

I started to think that I may have found the girl I had always wanted and was feeling very happy about everything. She then told me she wanted us to go pick up her clothing that her ex had dropped off at her aunts. So we went to Walmart to buy some groceries and then went and got her clothes. She told me what she wanted for dinner and she was in the shower as I was cooking. When she gets out of the shower she's doing her hair and getting all done up. I asked her why she was getting all prettied up for dinner since we weren't going anywhere?

This is when it hit me. She says, "Well my friends invited me to go roller skating and I wanted to go, so I'm going. Do you care? I'll be home afterwards, so just make dinner and I'll eat when I get home." I said that was fine, gave her a kiss and said I'd see her later that evening. I finished dinner, and put it away. I sat here watching tv and waiting, but she never texted or came back that night at all. Well long story short, she went on a date with the guy she's with now. She went roller skating with him and his daughter, and then spent the night there with him, and never came back here until the following day and when she did show up, she was accompanied by her girlfriend. Of course this was so I couldn't question or corner her as to where she was and what she was doing.

Well, it didn't take long after that and she had changed her Facebook profile picture to a picture of herself, him, and his daughter all touching heads and smiling for the camera. I checked his page and he has the same picture up as his background pic. This was pretty obvious and I put the rest of the pieces of the puzzle together. She started spending more and more time with him, but always just saying he was her friend.

That's when I told her she needed to leave. Since this is who she's truly with and sleeping with, then she needs to get her things and be with him. But under no circumstances was she going to continue living here free while dating someone else. She said, "well I can't just move in with him right away like that." I said, "Oh, but you could with me?" So she said very well, she'll just get a room again. I said do whatever you want, but I don't want you here anymore. So she got a few clothes and is now living in that same seedy motel where I picked her up.

The part I don't like is she's left all her clothing here just as it was, and she hasn't returned my house key yet! She told me she had come over here the other night while I was at work to get some of her clothes and to take a shower. I told her that I'm not ok with this, and things are different now and I don't want her and her girlfriend just coming here whenever like that! I told her, have your boyfriend pick up your clothes for you and keep them there for you. No answer. So it's like she's still living here but she's the only thing missing! I don't get this at all! Why? Why wouldn't she just get her things and move on to be with her new love? And what's he doing, stopping in at her motel room every time he wants to get a little? This whole situation is weird and I don't like it one bit. I just want her to get her things and let me get back to my own life.

Anyone have any ideas on this??

Why haven't you tossed her clothes out, and changed your locks? Not to sound harsh, but it appears you're more concerned with her finding a boyfriend, and that little green monster is beginning to kick in.

At any rate, I'm sure you know she can potentially rob you blind even if she does return your key. I'm sorry but you're playing right along with her, (imo).

Honestly, no im not worried about her finding a boyfriend, she's already done that. I just want her gone so I can get back to living my life the way it was before I screwed up and let this happen. Trust me, I've already thought of this too, that she could have had a key made and return the one I gave her and I'd be none the wiser. I've already been to Home Depot to buy another lock assembly, but they don't stock it; I have to order it. That'll take a few days. I'm doing it.

No, not playing along with her, just trying to keep the piece until this is all over. What I don't understand is why she just hasn't come and got her things already?! It's easy, get them, give me the key and get on with your life.

Why not simply dump her clothes off on the doorstep of whomever she's shacking up with?

Because I don't know where he lives. Otherwise that'd be a good idea! But I still have to get the locks changed too.

Tell her to get her things or they're being donated. Might be kinda harsh but she clearly isn't listening to you. Better yet, call law enforcement and explain your situation so you don't get into any legal tangles

It's ok, she responded with this text:

"It's fine I will get it myself on Sunday or Monday"