At a loss, need advice on my ex wife / current gf (same person)

Pertinent info:

Me 33 male

Her 29 female

We were married for 3 years, then divorced when she left me for another man

Back together for 2 years now

Have a 7 year old daughter

Alright, I will try to keep this to the point and as non bias as I can. My gf and I were married when we were both in the military, had a daughter, then divorced after three years. We were both in college at that point and did not spend enough time with each other. She felt like I was distant and not affectionate, and I felt like all she did was yell at me. The divorce happened because she ran into a man she knew from back home, one thing led to another and they started dating, this is when she told me we were getting a divorce, took our daughter and moved back home to Texas to live with this guy. They stayed together for a week and she broke up with him, moved in with her parents, and began trying to get me to give her another chance. At this point in time I was not ready to make things work with her so we followed through with the divorce.

Three years later, I was traveling for work so I could afford child support payments, and since I really wanted my ex to be able to go to school I was also paying her bills at the time too. She then told me as soon as she graduated she was getting remarried, so I stopped paying all of her bills. At this point I had finally saved up enough to go back to school myself, and since I wanted to do that near my daughter I moved all of my things from storage into an apartment in Texas a town over from my ex and daughter. After living in Texas for a month my ex was starting to spend more time at my apartment when picking up my daughter, we would sit and talk about life, work, and school. This lasted for a couple months and she tells me she is divorcing her new husband because she really wanted to make things work between us. I had forgiven her for what happened when we were married, and she had gone to counseling to work through her issues as well, so I decided to give it a shot.

So we began dating again, and within a year had moved back in together. She purchased a house and asked me if I would live there with her. Since my furniture was old and run down I sold it and used the money to buy some new furniture for my daughters room. Things were going really well for the next 18 months, at least in my estimation. We had little disagreements but had been able to rationally talk them through up to a few weeks ago. That's when she told me that she absolutely loves me as a person, and thinks I'm wonderful, but she just isn't in love with me anymore. I asked her what she meant and she told me she just didn't feel the spark. When I would try to be affectionate toward her it would make her feel uncomfortable. So we decided that maybe we were just better as friends. This all happened 2 weeks ago. In the past two weeks we have gone back and forth about trying to make it work or not. I decided that I wanted to make it work because I truly do love her, and she agreed. We went to Disney world (It was a trip that was planned since last Christmas) and while there she told me that it didn't matter how hard she tried she just couldn't get over feeling uncomfortable when I was affectionate, and therefore it just wasn't going to work out. This of course made the trip to Disney with our daughter a little uncomfortable as I then slept on the floor of the hotel room while she and my daughter each had a bed. We also spent time in the park with our daughter at separately, one of us would be at the hotel while the other was at the park with our daughter.

After we got back home things were difficult, one day she would say she loves me, the next she was showing indifference toward me. Mind you at this point since she has told me twice that me being affectionate makes her uncomfortable I have stopped trying to be affectionate but I continued to try to communicate with her, nothing to serious just asking her about her day, how work was, talking about school etc. This morning when I woke up my daughter tells me that she heard mom talking to someone on the phone and laughing a lot, I thought nothing of this as she frequently talks to her friends on the phone. Then I hear my daughter talking to her friend about some guy her mother was hanging out with at the jump place they went to last night. So I ask my gf, or whatever she is at this point, to be honest with me and tell me if she has another boyfriend as I would then expedite moving out so I wouldn't cause any issues. She proceeds to tell me about this guy she has seen a few times and tells me it is nothing serious and she only hung out with him because her best friend introduced them. So I think that is it. Then about an hour later she tells me that she had sex with him once and had done other sexual favors for him at a party the first night they met, which coincidentally was the day after she originally told me that she didn't love me anymore.

So I tell her it's alright, I'm not mad, but I do think I need to move out of the house in January. After this she locked herself in her room for a little and then came out and proceeded to tell me she wants to make things work between us. She told me she sent a text to the guy telling him everything was over and not to contact her anymore, and in fact showed me the text. Since then we have had a few very long conversation, I asked her details about her and the guy she was seeing, and then she got mad and told me that if I can't get over that then we aren't going to work. In my head all I keep wondering is did she sleep with him and then come home and show affection toward me? One of the few times she kissed me was it after doing "sexual favors" for the guy? Did she really want to be with me, or was the thought of me leaving just making her jump to deciding to make it work with me? Suffice to say I told her we needed counseling if we are going to get through this.

I know this is not the same as the last time, we are not married, we were technically not dating when any of this happened, but it still really bothers me. I mean she went from a relationship with me telling me she loved me every day to all of a sudden not "loving me" anymore and in the arms, or more appropriately pants, of another man in 24 hours. Then continued to talk to him and make plans with him / see him the entire time she is flip flopping on whether to make things work with me. It makes me feel like I am so unimportant in her life that she can do whatever she pleases and then come back to me. On top of that it makes me feel like I am just a plan B to her, since she didn't want to be with me until after dating / sleeping with someone else and deciding they weren't quite as good as I am. I felt in the moment that therapy was needed, but now I question my own sanity. I mean she has burned me twice now, and doesn't seem all that worried about it. How foolish will I look when she pulls this a third time? Is therapy really the answer for us, or should I cut my loses now and get out before I get hurt again? To be honest I'm not sure why I'm on a message board at midnight trying to find answers to this but honestly since I moved to Texas all my close friends live in other states far away and are not easily reachable, but hopefully someone can give some sound advice.

You need to end this with her, forever.

She didn't come back to you for the right reasons, and she uses you like a security blanket. She sounds like the type of woman who cannot handle being single so she jumps from one man to another.

And yes, you will look like a fool when she does it again. Because it will happen again. She doesn't feel strongly enough about to have ever wanted to commit, really. She has proved herself untrustworthy and attention-seeking, and you need to finally put an end to it. This isn't healthy for your daughter to be witnessing either. She needs stability in her life, and she surely senses that you two are not a united, solid couple.

Break up, so you can heal and eventually move on to a woman who would have no problem committing. Your ex isn't going to be that woman for you.

Ouch.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Yeah... it sounds like she is perfectly comfortable jumping ship the moment she wants someone else.

It's not just that you're plan B to her, everyone is Plan B to her. She has zero commitment, zero staying power..this is awful. You need to walk away for good so that you have a chance of ever having a healthy relationship with someone else.

Thank you all for the advice, you all basically said exactly what I was feeling. I told her this morning how I felt about all of it. That I've been depressed since this happened, that I no longer want to care about her, that she has successfully made me feel like her backup plan, and that I can no longer be in a relationship with someone who treats me like that. I have always been caring, kind, a great father, a great provider when needed, and allowed her to be her without ever asking her to change. Things got a little heated and there was some yelling on both of our parts which I am not happy with myself about. But I feel better after getting it all off my chest, I've held it all in for so long. She completely broke down crying and telling me she ed up but if I could just get over this one thing that she will change and things will get better. I responded with the fact that I just don't trust her enough to not hurt me again. I did recommend we still go to counseling, not as a couple, but as co parents so we can learn to respect each other for our daughters sake. I still don't know if I will move out anytime soon as I will not be able to afford rent school and child support now at the same time, most of my savings went into the house we live in together, so while it's not ideal I might be stuck in the house with her until I graduate college in 2018, or I'll have to go back to traveling for work and barely seeing my daughter which I really want to try to avoid if possible.

I did tell her that if I had to stay due to finances that I would no longer be doing her laundry, cooking her dinner, cleaning up after her and that even though we are still living together I wanted to have set nights for caring for our daughter that way we both have the opportunity to leave the house and get out occasionally.

I am also going to try to seek counseling on my own in order to help with my depression, resentment and anger. Right now I am afraid to trust anyone and that is not a good place to be in. I might take my daughter and try to get away from all this and spend some time with my family over the summer. Once again she has broken my heart and shattered my life into pieces and now I need to start the long journey of putting it back together. Last time it took me 2 years so it'll be an even longer road this time but I'm sure that it will be worth it in the long run as I deserve someone who respects me and cares about me, not just someone who see's me as someone who can do things for them.

She's jut not into you.

Dump her with extreme prejudice. Make arrangement to see your daughter that requires only the minimal amount of contact.

Stop settling.