More like Myself and less of Dorian

I decided to name this Journal more like myself and less of Dorian (him), because today has been the first time in a long time that I have actually began to feel a little bit more like myself. I feel like I am finally learning how to let go and move on. It has been a roller coaster of emotions. I'm beginning to see a little clearer now. Out of the 4 months since my break up with "Dorian" (I gave him that name for this journal, because his vanity reminds me a bit of the character in the book "The picture of Dorian Grey." ) .....today has been the very first day that I actually embraced single hood naturally, rather than forcing it. Last two weeks were hell, with obsessive thinking of him, anxiety attacks, missing him, needing him back, fighting the feelings, feeling the feelings, having moments of reprieve followed with hours of torture, up and down and all around, that was me, just completely consumed with a massive inner pain in my heart and soul. Yesterday morning felt like the beginning, I can't quite pin point it, but something felt different within me yesterday when I woke up, and Today feels like a step forward. I'm going to be okay. I loved him, I still do, and it is amazing that I could love this way. I am not perfect as no one is, but I am a very transparent, passionate, selfless, loving woman. When I love, I love with all of me and thats okay too. I just happen to give that of me to someone who did not know how to cherish it. Materialistic things took priority for Dorian and making sure he attained and kept those things were more important to him. I can only feel sorry for him right now and practice how to genuinely wish him happiness for his future, but I'm not there yet. Right now I need to continue to practice putting my health, happiness and values first. I will keep putting one foot in front of the other. I can do this. Everyday I will feel a little bit more like myself and feel less of Dorian.

I'm going to be okay, Dorian. I felt a little sadness earlier, not for you but more kind of sad because of feeling the pain slowly taking it's course, almost as if I was afraid of letting the pain go. Maybe, because even the pain somehow reflects that you are still in my life. And once the pain ends you will be but a distant memory. I sometimes can't believe that this is over. You are becoming a stranger in someway. Something that once was and will never be again. I've asked myself the question " did you meet or develop interest in someone else?" I guess in moments of denial I often think that you were not willing to fight because there was someone else who seemed interesting enough to pursue. I mean why else? You adored me, so you said. I guess you said, we said many things. While I was out to dinner today some thoughts crossed my mind, I decided to write them on a napkin, really they were questions. I asked myself " what it was that I would miss about you?" the answers were not enough. I think they were 3 things and at least 2 of them were questionable. 1, your quirkiness 2, your hugs/kisses 3. sex. Two, were becoming less and less, often I asked for them and three, also became less along with it being one of the only things that held us together. But, to me it was more than sex, it was passion, it was sacred, it was third dimensional bonding, sorta speak, at least to me it was. But, I don't think it was for you. And those three things were certainly not enough to hold us together or any couple for that matter. We had so much more than that at one point and it got lost, somewhere in between it all it got lost. I was willing to find them, but I couldn't go looking for them by myself. Dorian, you left long before, you left and long before I initiated the parting, which is why you agreed to it, almost like you were waiting for me to do it and also why you never came back to me. I took the train into and back from the city tonight, instead of the car. I want to put myself out there see the world and be seened, I want to know that there is more than just you. And there is. A nice looking fella looked at me for several minutes at a time, I embraced it, I embraced the fact that there are going to be others who will show interest in me, I was beginning to think that no one would look at me with interest and that I would not have interest in others. But, for those few minutes I did. As I got closer to my front door my eyes teared up, I took a deep breath in, then I exhaled. "I'm going to be okay." I said.

I thought about sending you this text today, but I won't not worth it anymore. Rather useless, id say. I wrote it out anyway, so i could read it out loud and let it out.

Truth is ur a good guy, but like many of us, u have many issues u need to work through for urself. I don't think we fully got to know one another, or give us a real chance we were too busy fighting over petty things and trying to overcome our fears. We became against one another instead of for one another. We know longer felt safe with one another. With all the failed marriages careers etc etc, we were alwAys on guard instead or guarding each other. Although we never betrayed one another we both had that fear. Both our past experiences influenced us, instead of us looking forward and embracing the chance we had. Yes, we screwed up royally. Yet, i learned while in the relationship. And i tried relentlessly to implement my learning experiences all while you continued to point the finger at me, persecuting me, while you kept making the same mistakes over and over again. Its safe to say you were even making them on purpose. And I became really good at walking on eggshells. I walk on steady ground now, moving forward.

I never took you for a guy who would play games. I quickly found out after we broke up how emotionally self serving you are. Caring only for one person, yourself. Games, you played only to sooth you, any text or call i received after the break up were for you, not for me or us, just for you. I had a revelation this morning, I am beginning to think that what you have done to me after the break up was worst than the things you did while in the relationship. The pulling me back and forth, the feeding me crumbs of hope only to get a thrill for yourself. The texting me but not calling nor answering my calls. Using me as a platform for your boredom and insecurity. Really evil stuff to do to another human being, pure mind games. Discovering what you are capable of after the break up threw me for a loop, I never would have guessed you had that in you. The there and after is what has been helping me move forward. After all why would I want to be with someone who is capable of those things?

In just a few days I've seen a positive change in me as far as my emotional attachment to you. Im definitely detaching. The healing process, i feel is coming along. In recent days i have. noticed several hours actually go by without me thinking of you. Bitter sweet, that part, sounds crazy, but it makes me kind of sad. The pain, false hope and thoughts are the only things I had left of you. I think it makes me a little sad, that someday I won't be sad over you and the demise of our relationship. At least this is how I feel at this moment. My emotional aftermath is still unraveling, more shall be revealed of myself and im expecting their will be less of a need for you. Im learning to live life without you Dorian.

I no longer wait for you Dorian. I have released you, therefore releasing my self from the prison of suffering, pain and false hope. Funny, I never took that quote serious " if it's meant to be it will come back to you" Or how ever it goes, I always considered it somewhat of a corny saying. Not anymore, If it's meant to be, then Dorian, you will return to me. And if it's not, then it is not and life goes on, But I won't be waiting. I am happy to say that the desire and longing for you is almost non existent. And it was only through the pain and suffering that I believe I have reached this phase. I no longer wait nor hope. The suffering has slowly dissipated and I have begun to feel like myself again. Yes, I miss you, but I can live my life without you. I loved you, Dorian, I think a part of me always will. The iron doors with bars have slid opened and I am standing in between them taken in the fresh air, looking around and noticing the sky and everything around me.

I wish you were the man I fell in love with. I wish we could go back to the beginning and do it all over again, the right way. So much was discovered that is not wanted. I'm sad today, I want to cry but the tears won't come out, I also wish they would, I wish I could burst out in tears, a cleanse, to detox myself from so many emotions still lingering within me. I talk to you but I just don't think I want you anymore. You mentioned the possibilities......the possibilities of what? Of me wondering if it's okay to call you to say good night, to wait till late for you to call me, but you don't because you're to busy or I'm not as important. Too feel less than and walk on egg shells. You talk a lot Dorian, but you don't say anything. The door was kept wide open for you to show me and talk less, but I got nothing. "ACTION' that great word worth millions. If I can't see it than you do not mean it. I know when you loved me, at least I think you did, because you showed me how important I was too you, how important it was for you to hear my voice in the morning and at night. I saw your longing for me, your longing to come running to straight to me after a long trip because we couldn't wait to be in each other's arms. The skype chat's, just to see one another because we missed each other. But that's all gone. I don't want this man that I hear on the telephone line, when he now squeezes me in his schedule. I don't want this man that is not willing to make exceptions as I am so that we could unite and be as one. No I don't want that man. But, more importantly I can now let that man go. I must not mistake my loneliness for the longing of you. I need to keep clear that my sadness is sadness of what once was and not of desperately seeking for it to be. My wants and needs are important and valuable and I no longer am willing to dismiss them just to have you by my side. Yet, I wonder will I ever love again, will I meet someone that will take my breath away as you once did. Everyday I am feeling a little bit more ready to welcome possibilities of my own that have nothing to do with you.

Well, we freakin tried, whatta waste or was it. Now I'm feeling tinges of anger. Why? Because it's crystal clear that you do not love me. you're just sick. You are freaking sick you wont be with me but you won't let me go either. Sick, but I'm im sick too. Love sick, emotionally sick, insecure, who the hell knows but def some sort of sick because I still would love for you to come to me and tell me you want me and fight with me. How? Have I made progess? Yes, I have I know I have my heart does not hurt as much as it did let's say 2 months ago. I am going on with my life and doing what I have to do to better myself and my loved ones. But, still I'm blown away with how you turned out, I did not see that coming. I never thought you had it in you to play with a person's heart and emotions. I became a ping pong ball. Maybe I'm more angry at me for letting you. I don't know. You have a way of trying to shred my integrity and dignity away but worst, I think you love it. Let me try this again, no more! Freak u! I rather feel angry and bitter toward you than all love schmuv. Maybe I don't love you anymore and if I do it is slowly dissipating, perhaps this was one more round before the beginning of a new, thank goodness it was a brief encounter and I put my foot down and did not let it go further. You tried so hard to keep me hanging off a string that you adjusted and readjusted according to your mood or how bored you were. But I allow it, I did. And only I can stop it, I need to not only cut the string and not only know it's over but I need to have the reality of it all infiltrate in the very core of my existence. Freakin Dorian you are a piece of work you honestly F'd me up. And only I can take my power back. I am beginning to finally realize that I am worthy, I have value, and I someday will meet the right person for me. In the meantime I will keep putting one foot in front of the other and continue moving forward. Yes, you did manage to f me up somewhat, but you did not get the best of me. I am one hell of a woman, a good woman and good things are coming to me. Once, again you are on my s*#T list Dorian, and I will do my best to keep you there.

Entering the New Year with out you. What it's gone is left and what's been left is gone. Wow what a year it has been trying to win back your love, lowering my standards, injuring my dignity and integrity. And still, last night you tried again with one of your text messages that you use to soothe yourself and boost your ego. With this new phone provider I am not able to entirely block you, but that is ok. I have tried blocking you several time with my old provider and I admit it gets me very depressed. Actually I think this way works better, beside I see that it's not working for you anymore..........you know using me as a platform to entertain yourself. I think you got the message loud and clear that the jig is up, therefore I serve you no purpose anymore. You tried to keep me in the loop until someone else came along, keep me on a virtual string for your boredom, yes my intstincts tell me so, they tell me over and over again. I'm listening to my intstincts now. How sad what you turned out to be, and how sad that you nearly brought me to my knees. But, I did not hit the floor. Yes, you will be missed, the Dorian I met 2 yrs ago, will be missed. This person, that I have gotten to know over for the past year, will certainly not be missed, the real you will not be missed at all.

I would have been sorry that I might have rushed things when we had talks of a reconciliation. But IM NOT! Because I am a pretty good judge of character, I'm not stupid! If I would have seen a genuine interest on your behalf, a sign that you were really going to give it your best and put in equal effort, a sign, even a little incling, but I saw nothing. Everything screamed to my gut to be leary of who playing with my heart. And you know, it was not in my head at all. I was not looking for candle lit dinners and professions of love, I was simply looking to hear something that indicated that you wanted me to be part of your life again. And that you were willing to put in the effort as I was. That's right effort, not random text messages that pretty much said nothing, they seemed almost forced to me. The unsureness in you for us glared like night lights on the interstate. No, I didn't not expect declarations of love, like I said. But, I almost did not need continuous reminders of the awful mistakes we made in the past and I did not need hollow conversation just so you can keep me in the loop, because that is exactly how it felt like, and you know what that is exactly what it most likely was. I rather feel tortured wondering if you will ever call or want me back, than feel the torture of getting a mercy text or call. Ugh. I don't think so...............

I'm moving forward. Yesterday, I rarely even thought of you and I did not have to even force it. It's been over 5 months, going on 6. What a roller coaster ride or better to say, "what a walk through the haunted house" if I were to pick another ride at the amusement park ride that also described what it has been like it would be the haunted house. Before entering it was clear that there would be monster's and creepy creatures, I still proceeded, scary many times I still went forth and continued walking through, even though it was clear that what lurked around the corner was going to make me scream, I still went around, even though, it was dark, dreary and noisy as hell, peculiar, kind of inviting, a thrill, but not worth walking through again, when I exited, I still went back to the front of the line to take a tour again. Eventually, after several walks through, I became sick from the darkness, noise, fear, thrill, scary characters and unpredictability. Walking through the haunted house is not exciting anymore.

I've been in kind of a mild slump i guess. I feel the tears hovering behind my eyes waiting to be released but won't. Im also tired and a bit scared. Going on six months with out you. Since ive come yo realize that it is indeed over, Im just putting one foot in front of the other and moving along doing what i have to do, being responsible, caring for my family, and for myself. I feel unmotivated, but still I push myself because i am worthy of much of what life has too offer me. I do still see things and do things that make me want to call you and tell you all about it, but i know I can't. So I sm learning how to live without you and learning how to stop equating my experiences with you. Its exhausting. Sometimes while im working i squeeze my eyes shuts for a few seconds to release the tiredness of thinking of you, then i open them and continue to move forward. Im going to start dating, i want to see and experience whats out there, i didnt do that before i met you, i didnt give myself a chance to explore mostly because I hate dating, but i owe it to myself. If you leave it up to me I would never date so whether its now or a year from now, its something i need to make myself do. It has been five steps forward three steps back, this ordeal of a break up. This one really broke my heart, and I also have to be gentle with myself, im going to be okay, better than okay.

Are you that cruel and evil. You know darn well you could give to craps about him. You just want me to re-engage in the madness so that you can bash me some more. I'm glad you tried to contact me for one reason and one reason only.............so I could feel that I have no desire to reply, none what so ever. Freakin Miracle!!!

I guess it's time to write it out, been thinking of you more than usual past couple of days, I guess it's par for the cause. Part of the heart break ride. Things have definitely changed inside of me, my heart and mind in regards to you. I still think of you but not the same way. It's more like I'm thinking of someone I don't know anymore. You are someone else now, not the Dorian I once knew. I went on my very first coffee date this past weekend. It was a normal date, interestingly I got the feel that the gentlemen whom I met was also in a crossroad with a relationship left behind, just a feeling. I think he was trying too. Nice guy, simple date coffee, a little conversation and a walk around the cafe filled streets, no expectations, no rush to get tied down. It was a wholesome sort of date and although, we will most likely not go on another one, I'm glad I went. While back on the dating site, scrolling, I noticed your profile. I don't think I felt any kind of emotion at that instance when I noticed it, if I did then, maybe I just can't connect with it. I guess this is what we do now..........move on. Although, last night and this morning I felt a little sad from the lost. It was a huge lost, I believe for you as much as it was and still is for me. I mean, after all we shared dreams, plans, hopes, love that were lost, all the talks of the future, gone. You are none of my business anymore as I am not yours. My main focus now is health, family work and carefully examining my part in it all so that I do not ever make the same mistakes again. Oh, but I'm also examining my choices and making certain I do not meet another one of YOU, too. You became a poisonous drug to me, very dangerous and sucked me dry like a vampire towards the end. It was a number I never played before. So, I'm moving along little by little, yet faster, and I say faster because I no longer want you nor desire you the way I did, let's say 2 months ago. I'm in reality now and that part is the faster part. The heartbreak and picking up the pieces has been little by little. Those were some horrible things you called me last few times we spoke and I know one thing today, I do not want to be associated with someone who is capable of speaking that way to someone they said they loved. It's just totally warped to even consider. Not me or anyone should subject themselves to the pain I did. You saw and heard me piratically begging for your love and you knew I was in utter pain, yet you uttered those horrific things to me in the midst of my vulnerability, it was monstrous. Those are the things that I keep up front when I begin to feel a little sad from the lost. Because after all in reality it really was not a great huge loss in the grand scheme of things.