Mother in law visiting,staying 2 weeks

So my MIL will visit us to meet our newborn(2 months old now),she lives in an other country and is staying 2 weeks.Me and her we never got along while we lived together in her house(1 year).She used to fight with both me and my husband(because he protected me against her).She even tried to kick me out of her house ,so anyway we do not live together or in same country anymore,thankfull for that.

I told my husband i think 2 week is a long time and he got angry at me,and said she is my mom she has the right to stay here for 2 weeks as it is my home just like yours.I am ok with that but i know she will make problems,so what to do then? my husband did protect me there,but now he is always protecting her when i say something bad about her to him.How can i make my husband side with me again? and how do i handle her visit? i know if i shut up this time and deal with her 15 days,she will come again very soon soon ...and stay even longer

So my MIL will visit us to meet our newborn(2 months old now),she lives in an other country and is staying 2 weeks.

 

I told my husband i think 2 week is a long time and he got angry at me,and said she is my mom she has the right to stay here for 2 weeks as it is my home just like yours.

 

and how do i handle her visit?

I agree with your husband - I don't think 2 weeks is unreasonable for a grandmother to meet her son's newborn baby. Given that she comes from another country, 2 weeks is very short.

How to handle it? Be polite and courteous. Do your best to make it comfortable for everyone. It's two weeks. You WILL survive, even if it doesn't turn out to be the happiest, or easiest visit. It will pass.

my husband did protect me there,but now he is always protecting her when i say something bad about her to him.How can i make my husband side with me again?

Why do you say bad things about her at all? If she doesn't live in the same country, you rarely have to deal with her face-to-face, so what's there to complain about? Put on a happy face for the two weeks she is here. Be personable. Make her stay pleasant. Then go on with your separate lives Think long and hard about what you would consider "too often" and have that conversation with your hubs after she leaves and after you've handled the stay maturely. Also, who knows - with a new baby, she may be helpful and you may actually not mind having her around as much; she could give you a little break to leave the baby with her and go take a shower or a nap. Stay positive - could work out well!

First off- congrats on your baby!

This is your baby's grandmother and your husband's mother.

Time to let go of past hurts and disagreements. Try for a fresh start.

Put on a smile and be cordial and respectful. If she tries to stir up trouble, don't take the bait.

Don't try to get your husband to "take your side". That just puts him into a tough position.

2 weeks is fine for a visit - she,wants to get to know the baby. Let her help you. And,be sure to ask her advice. Make her feel welcome- don't stoop to her level.

You might be surprised- it may turn out to be,a nice visit for all

One day his mom will die whe that happens he will have regrets for not seeing her enough, if you are cruel to her and complain about her coming to visit he will resent you for it. Stay neutral, complain to a friend not to your husband.

I guess i am overreacting a bit but this woman is very impulsive,and she wants everything to be her way.One would think she will be good since she is a guest,but she stayed at the house of her other son and his wife when they got their child,and still she managed to create trouble.She was bored,so she started cleaning,and then moving things where she thought was better...and at the end she said to her own daughter "you should see how dirty it was in the house of the daughter in law,i only had to clean".She will come here and try to take over the household,,and then say stuff like "when mommy is here you get everything dont you my son " lol.Even on the phone she tells him,does she make you food,do you go around hungry:05.18-flustered:

I would try to look on the positive side - you will have another set of hands to help take care of your newborn! I'm sure she will be excited to meet your newborn and want to spend lots of time with him/her and with your husband. Maybe that can give you the opportunity to take a bit of time for yourself. If you feel your temper rising or she is being rude, you can always take a break from family time and pop outside for a walk or a coffee.

Perhaps you can also encourage your husband to spend some one-on-one quality time with his mom (with or without baby) so that you're not constantly together.

Most people get quite defensive when someone criticizes their family. You should try very hard to stop badmouthing her to your husband and putting him on the defensive. Don't rehash the past with him - if you still feel hurt about what happened and feel the need to discuss it, you can do so on an online forum, with a friend of with a therapist. That will give him more room to stand up for you and defend you if his mother reverts to her old ways.

I hope the visit goes well.

2 weeks and then she will be out of your country and out of your hair. Just have to hang in there. You don't have to deal with her for long.

My boyfriend's family sucks but they live hours away so the rare times I have to see them, I grin and bear it, and I am always happy to leave.

Just look forward to when you get to say "goodbye". It will be here before you know it and then you can go back to normal life.

My late MIL was a real shrew, we did not like each other at all. Her son, my husband, could do no wrong. It was so very hard to be around her and I avoided her at all costs.

Funny thing, tho, when our daughter was born, she calmed right now! She was now a grandma and delighted as can be. I still didnt like her and I doubt she liked me, but there was a change in her that was obvious. Your MIL may be the same. Babies have a way of bringing adults closer and being more sensible than they had been.

Do not try to pit your husband against his mother, it won't work, and it'll cause trouble between you two. Be the bigger person, if she's rude, let it go. Dont take the bait. You may be pleasantly surprised, I know I was.

I told my husband i think 2 week is a long time and he got angry at me,

Two weeks is pretty standard for someone to stay in another country. Husband is right to be annoyed, and I'd make that up to him by telling him that I've had a change of heart and can appreciate why he'd want this time with his mother, and that I will make her feel as welcome as possible.

my husband did protect me there,but now he is always protecting her when i say something bad about her to him.

Well stop badmouthing his mother. What does that buy you, exactly?

How can i make my husband side with me again?

By growing up, and quit being adversarial. You're no longer in MIL's home, so you can afford to be kind to the woman, regardless of how she behaves. If you can't adopt self control for 2 lousy week, then you'll only show husband that you're a bigger problem than she is. Think.

and how do i handle her visit?

Be a good hostess and lose the chip on your shoulder. Play 'stupid and cheerful,' which is a technique of failing to recognize any insults by either changing the subject, offering her something to eat or drink, or by telling her that she has a wonderful sense of humor. Whatever it takes--just don't play, and that's how you win.

i know if i shut up this time and deal with her 15 days,she will come again very soon soon ...and stay even longer

If you DON'T shut up and deal with her like a grown up, then you'll harm your marriage, and that's not smart. Sabotaging MIL's visit by acting out is infantile, and it could get you a nice, fat divorce.

I'd make it my private goal to make husband proud of me and make MIL feel welcomed. I'd demonstrate the gracious behavior I'd have wished she would have demo'd to me when I lived with her, and I'd make this a test of my OWN growth and maturity--not hers.

Two weeks is pretty standard for someone to stay in another country. Husband is right to be annoyed, and I'd make that up to him by telling him that I've had a change of heart and can appreciate why he'd want this time with his mother, and that I will make her feel as welcome as possible.

 

 

Well stop badmouthing his mother. What does that buy you, exactly?

 

 

By growing up, and quit being adversarial. You're no longer in MIL's home, so you can afford to be kind to the woman, regardless of how she behaves. If you can't adopt self control for 2 lousy week, then you'll only show husband that you're a bigger problem than she is. Think.

 

 

Be a good hostess and lose the chip on your shoulder. Play 'stupid and cheerful,' which is a technique of failing to recognize any insults by either changing the subject, offering her something to eat or drink, or by telling her that she has a wonderful sense of humor. Whatever it takes--just don't play, and that's how you win.

 

 

If you DON'T shut up and deal with her like a grown up, then you'll harm your marriage, and that's not smart. Sabotaging MIL's visit by acting out is infantile, and it could get you a nice, fat divorce.

 

I'd make it my private goal to make husband proud of me and make MIL feel welcomed. I'd demonstrate the gracious behavior I'd have wished she would have demo'd to me when I lived with her, and I'd make this a test of my OWN growth and maturity--not hers.

This would work if only my husband would find it ok to react himself,but if both he and i are quite MIL will just think she won.I doubt anyone would be able to tolerate her,she has made problems to all 4 children of hers...her other DIL has no contact whatsoever with her (it did not get her a divorce),her own daughter lives in Sweden,yet she had somehow found trouble with her husband and her daughter HAD to react and say stop to mom.the only kid she is ok with is her youngest daughter but its because they are the same,and her husband just does whatever her daughter says

She is an old fashion woman,matriarch who thinks i should call her "mom"(just one example).Everyone says just deal with her 15 days,whats that'(even my own mother)...but i find it hard to just put my pride in the trash and let her win all her fights

My late MIL was a real shrew, we did not like each other at all. Her son, my husband, could do no wrong. It was so very hard to be around her and I avoided her at all costs.

 

Funny thing, tho, when our daughter was born, she calmed right now! She was now a grandma and delighted as can be. I still didnt like her and I doubt she liked me, but there was a change in her that was obvious. Your MIL may be the same. Babies have a way of bringing adults closer and being more sensible than they had been.

 

Do not try to pit your husband against his mother, it won't work, and it'll cause trouble between you two. Be the bigger person, if she's rude, let it go. Dont take the bait. You may be pleasantly surprised, I know I was.

I hope you are right and i do not want to sound negative,but the other DIL had worse problems once her son was born.MIL used to come over and say "this is my child " and wanted things done her way,because "she knew best after 4 kids"

Instead of trying to justify to your husband that you're "right" and your MIL is an interfering busybody, and trying to get him to take your "side", how about realizing it's only two weeks?

I'm older and have been alive long enough to know that two weeks is just a blip in life.

I have to wait 9 months for something that I want very much (not a baby lol!). I know that 9 months isn't that long in the grand scheme of things.

You'll be with your husband and child for a lifetime, so how about thinking about it that way?

I guess i am overreacting a bit but this woman is very impulsive,and she wants everything to be her way.One would think she will be good since she is a guest,but she stayed at the house of her other son and his wife when they got their child,and still she managed to create trouble.She was bored,so she started cleaning,and then moving things where she thought was better...and at the end she said to her own daughter "you should see how dirty it was in the house of the daughter in law,i only had to clean".She will come here and try to take over the household,,and then say stuff like "when mommy is here you get everything dont you my son " lol.Even on the phone she tells him,does she make you food,do you go around hungry:05.18-flustered

 

Kill her with kindness! Every time she makes a snarky remark, breathe, and say, "okay", smile, and walk away to calm down. Or just learn the art of humoring someone, or think she is just making a joke. Take what she says with a grain of salt. Let her help you cook, clean, and bond with the baby. It's only 2 weeks! It's very exciting for her, and very comforting and happy time for your husband to introduce a grandchild to his mom - don't make it all about how you are feeling and what you are interpreting as a diss on you, and even then, kill her with so much kindness that you're hubby sees if it just may be her.

 

Unless she's violent or crazy, relax.

 

Plus, when you live together, people can drive it eachother crazy. Visiting is a totally different thing. Let go of the hate for your kid's sake.

This would work if only ...

You can reach for any excuse you want to keep yourself miserable and preoccupied with the woman, or you can rise above the battleground.

So far, you've been making lousy choices in this regard, and that's not against the law, you can do that if you want.

Go ahead--stay adversarial and see where that lands you.

You can be " right" or you can have a husband.

You can be " right" or you can have a husband.

why does everyone think my husband would leave because of his mother? she has said to both him and his brother leave your wives,so if we would be ex long time ago if he listened.

He does want us to have a good relationship to her,i know,my problem here is i try to forget the past but it is hard.This woman has said everything you can say to hurt someone ,and her son forgets it all but i can not.Her son did not talk with her under the same roof and never accepted her behavior,but after it all is done and said he is still her son and she is his mom...so they forget and forgive,but i am "foreign blood" so i can not

why does everyone think my husband would leave because of his mother? she has said to both him and his brother leave your wives,so if we would be ex long time ago if he listened.

 

He does want us to have a good relationship to her,i know,my problem here is i try to forget the past but it is hard.This woman has said everything you can say to hurt someone ,and her son forgets it all but i can not.Her son did not talk with her under the same roof and never accepted her behavior,but after it all is done and said he is still her son and she is his mom...so they forget and forgive,but i am "foreign blood" so i can not

It is not "because of her" you entirely missed my point. Beware of the need to be right.

why does everyone think my husband would leave because of his mother?

He wouldn't be leaving because of his mother, he'd be leaving you, because of YOUR attitude and behaviors.

Go ahead, keep pushing to 'win,' and you'll see exactly where that gets you.

You don't want to drive a wedge between you and him when it comes to his mother. By all means, you can hate her but just play nice when she is there, let her go back to her country, and then forget she exists.

I hate my boyfriend's family so much but I sit and tolerate them for the rare time that I have to.

Yup, my inlaws have been a pain in my a$$ for 27 years . Pretty much the only time my husband and I have issues is when I rag on his family. Now they live hours from me. There is no need to rag about them. No ragging about his family, no fights with husband. See what I mean?

Sounds overbearing, but this is why they are called the "out-laws". As much as you dread it, very good advice so far on how to just robot-mode through this.

MIL used to come over and say "this is my child " and wanted things done her way,because "she knew best after 4 kids"

Why did you live in her house for a year? I can't think why anyone would ever agree to live with an in law, unless it was to care for them in old age or due to illness. I'd scrub toilets to put food on the table before ever agreeing to live with either of my bfs parents, and they are sweet and lovely people. It's just not a healthy situation- and I think could account for how much you resent her.

I wasn't a fan of my MIL. But I kept my mouth shut. Interactions were few and far between. I always strived to keep the peace. It makes for less stress and a better life. While I am sure you have your reasons to dislike your MIL, perhaps she will be different this time, occupied with the baby. Good luck.

Also remember this is your baby's family too.