My hate is driving me insane!! help!!

hi guys,

I am new to this so bare with me. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, he is the love of my life. I'm just 22, but i knew from the moment i met him that i loved him and i have felt that way ever since. When i first met his mother i was delighted, she was so kind and friendly. She had him when she was young so she was more on my wavelength than most parents i had met before and by that i mean i could tell her about what me and my girls got upto at the weekend and she would totally laugh rather than be horrified lol.

She came up with the suggestion that she wanted to start a business, my mother has money as she has owned companies and sold properties for years so i introduced them both and before i knew it, all three of us were shareholders for a small business. She was the knowledge base, she knew what she was doing and was supposed to be guiding us through it while my mother provided the financial support. For three months this worked out great, we all got along and worked really hard to get the business off the ground.

An opportunity came up which lead us to our first disagreement (always going to happen in business, right?) we all had our say and then came to a conclusion. I didn't really think much of it, she didn't seem angry at the time, but i started noticing a very odd change in her behaviour. She would have a really different attitude with me in work, she began to have a very negative outlook on the company and it got to the point where she would text me most days telling me how she doesn't have any faith in us and its not working etc. I let it go for a while, until it started draining me and putting me in a bad mood, so i began getting irritated and just not replying to the texts. There's only so much encouraging you can do, in the end it just takes too much of your energy when a person isn't willing to try and be positive.

Eventually she got really mad, it was quite out of the blue. I hadn't been answering her negative messages and was just trying to concentrate on the more positive ones (although they were few and far between) but i was doing this because i really didn't want it to effect our personal relationship. But one day when she text a big long negative text which was also quite rude and i replied with "i think we should stop talking about this topic" she flipped. I had never seen such a dramatic change in someone before. She got personal towards me and my mom and also started blurted out a few confessions which were so surprising to me, and honestly it was so random. I understand she was stressed out and we had a small disagreement but you would swear i had just threatened to kill her, she was just so angry and mean.

I am not an argumentative person, at all. And i certainly have never argued with ANYONES parents before in my life, so this situation really shook me, i went home and cried for two hours. I kept reading the texts and was just so confused, i really didn't understand what i had done wrong. From here the situation got worse, and my feelings of disappointment in her became anger. i was mad at all the things she had said and done to me. She did a long list of really mean stuff, i blocked her number and tried to completely block her out of my life so she then started texting my boyfriend mean stuff about me too.

She finally left the company of her own accord, not paying a penny back to my mother or even offering to help pay instalments even though it was all her idea in the first place. This saw my mother get herself into a lot of debt, for the first time in her life. She couldn't even afford food or bills, neither could I. All this time his mother decided to go on holiday, and just forget the chaos and stress she caused for us! I couldn't say much about the situation because at the end of the day, she will always be my boyfriends mother and he will never see her the way i do.

The last few weeks my anger hasn't been so bad, I had put her to the back of my mind and concentrated on helping my mother get back on track and sorting the company out. But I was on the computer one day about 2 weeks ago and it kept making a noise, i realised that my boyfriend had streamed his texts to the computer and all the texts he was getting was form his mother. I know i absolutely shouldn't have but i did... i read them She is still on his case 24/7, manipulating him and emotionally blackmailing him and this would explain why he has lost over a stone in weight and can't sleep! all this time he can't tell me because at the end of every text she makes him swear he won't tell me anything.

This has put my anger right back to where i started, i find myself checking the computer 3-4 times a day, i think about her all the time and its honestly driving me mad. I don't want to feel this way, i want to move on. I hold on to every word she says and think about it over and over until I'm so angry i can't sleep or concentrate. I am letting her rule my life, and i really need it to stop! HOW DO I LET GO OF MY ANGER??

Please help

Unfortunately you've gotten a good glimpse of your bf and his family and family dynamics. It may be time to rethink a lot of things.

There is an old saying that you never do business with family or friends. I learned the hard way, too, when I opened a business with a friend who invested so that his wife could be involved. Turned into an absolute nightmare with her behaving just as your boyfriends mom has and cost me a good friend.

The only way to let go of your anger is acceptance. You all went into this as grown adults, all made choices, all knew risk was involved and all accepted it.

I totally understand and have accepted the business side of things, you're right it was a risk we all took and i am willing to move past that. I think to most upsetting thing to me is that this woman has caused so much hurt and stress in my life and i can't ignore it as she is my boyfriends mother. She is now trying to blackmail him into going to her house whenever he has free time, which obviously causes problems with us as he works away and i only see him at weekends. Even though he does put his foot down and explain to her that he has to spend time with me too, he then can't sleep or eat because he worries about what she will do if he upsets her, and in the meantime i have to bite my tongue as i don't want to say anything about her and stress him out even more.

Never become over friendly with the family of the person you are dating. Be NICE, but do not form separate relationships with them right off the bat. I think you got too deep too quickly on all of this. You can't control his mom, but if he is that stressed by her rather and is unwilling to set a boundary by telling her he won't engage in the conversation anymore on that topic, you know that she is going to run him for the rest of his life.

This does not bode well as far as her as a future in-law. I know many marriage have been broken up by in-laws - is this the family you really want to marry into?

And here's another talk of boundaries - why is he streaming texts to YOUR computer?

I totally understand and have accepted the business side of things, you're right it was a risk we all took and i am willing to move past that. I think to most upsetting thing to me is that this woman has caused so much hurt and stress in my life and i can't ignore it as she is my boyfriends mother. She is now trying to blackmail him into going to her house whenever he has free time, which obviously causes problems with us as he works away and i only see him at weekends. Even though he does put his foot down and explain to her that he has to spend time with me too, he then can't sleep or eat because he worries about what she will do if he upsets her, and in the meantime i have to bite my tongue as i don't want to say anything about her and stress him out even more.

My ex's mom ran him - but in a different way. Two things will happen - he will either REALLY put his foot down and not go to her house and find some peace - see her at holidays with other family members around, etc or if he goes to her house and he finds its a rouse - she really doesn't need someone to hang her chandelier - he walks out. Or he will decide that he can't take the stress and get rid of YOU - so therefore mom will calm down and his life will be more peaceful since he can't get mom to stop.

Lol, we live together and the computer is ours, I really don't know why he synced them and told him about it straight away and he just said it was through iCloud and didn't really comment on it much more. So far the problems she has caused for us are small, probably because I won't say anything when she does things to get on my nerves as I try to be the bigger person and he doesn't tell me anything about her but he did break down a couple of nights ago and admitted she was stressing him out. I guess your right and it will always be this way

My ex's mom ran him - but in a different way. Two things will happen - he will either REALLY put his foot down and not go to her house and find some peace - see her at holidays with other family members around, etc or if he goes to her house and he finds its a rouse - she really doesn't need someone to hang her chandelier - he walks out. Or he will decide that he can't take the stress and get rid of YOU - so therefore mom will calm down and his life will be more peaceful since he can't get mom to stop.

They had a relationship long long before yours and what you are seeing is what you get. She's not "blackmailing him", he can visit his mother if he wants. The riff is between you and her, not him and her.

Perhaps she is trying to dissuade him from seeing you, but ultimately that's his choice. However bad it is, do not talk trash about her or better yet talk about her at all to your bf.

i can't ignore it as she is my boyfriends mother. She is now trying to blackmail him into going to her house whenever he has free time, which obviously causes problems with us as he works away

I'm not trying to play the victim here at all but I honestly can't stress enough about how much I don't talk about her. I stay as quiet and calm as possible (around him) and generally only vent about the sittuation to my close friend.

He absolutely has every right to go there and I would never stop him, but by black mailing I mean if he can't go there because he's too tired or it's too late she will then text him telling him she's really upset and can't cope with his younger siblings or her partner and he then feels like he has to go as he is worried about her. This was all news to me until be broke down the other night, I had no idea how bad the texts were until he told me. He seems to be the one struggling most out of this sittuation and the reason why I'm finding it so difficult is because if this was a work colleague or a friend making him this stressed out I could comfort him and tell him there not worth worrying about however it's his mother who he knows I already don't see eye to eye with so I can't help him.

This dynamic is how his family operates and it's good you found out both through him telling you and the dealings you had with them.

she will then text him telling him she's really upset and can't cope with his younger siblings or her partner and he then feels like he has to go as he is worried about her.

Just because you don't see eye to eye with his mother, doesn't mean you can't comfort him. Ultimately though, he needs to figure out how to handle his mother and that's that. As for you, ask him to block the icloud sync. It's really an invasion of privacy in terms of his texts being available for you to read as well as invasion of your peace of mind.

Anyway, keep in mind that the best "revenge" in this case is to make this business a huge success. So focus your energy on that.

Thank you. You're right

Ok, you learned a valuable lesson here, family and friends can become complete dycks and theives when it comes to money . Your relationship is going to a living HELL because she is his mother.

If it were me I would do the following, but I cannot tell you what to do, just give suggestions.

First I would write her a calm letter explaining my point of view, not an angry one, but a rational one. If need be write it full of anger, say everything you want to say, hold nothing back. And then set that letter aside and do not send it. Go back and edit it and keep editing it as often as you can until there is no more anger, you can say what you need to say, and it's fit to send off. And yes, have an attorney side check it wouldn't be a bad idea either. Then you and your mother get together and the two of you sort this out from a strictly business viewpoint - i.e. does she need to be taken to court, was there a contract, is there any way legally to make her simply step to her obligations? Because honestly it sounds to me like the hysterical negativity is simply a smoke screen to back you all of making her hold to her financial obligations.

So go consult with a business attorney right now and put aside any festering anger to actually confront the business and legal issues that might be to hand. The anger keeps you so tied up in drama that you are not looking at this from a business viewpoint and I'm sorry, but you chose to go into business with her and your mom too, so now you both need to set aside the personal and handle this exactly as you would if this had been a total stranger you both went into business with.

And as to the boyfriend, you need to tell him it's up to him to handle his mother on a personal level. That you are done and shed of the entire thing, and until she makes good legally on her part of the business there will be no contact from you to her and vice versa period. And if he breaks up with you over it then I'm sorry, but that's on him. You have done everything you can and frankly he should never have let his mother act like that and then walk away, putting the onus financially on your own mom to the point that she was so in debt that she didn't have food to eat.

This is in part his fault in that he is enabling her bad behavior. And I suspect if you asked him, this is not the first time she's done this to people. Yes, I know you love him. But the time when this was all ideal and looked great is long gone, and it was in the beginning before you really knew these people well, and this woman has shown herself for who she really was. She didn't turn nasty and mean out of nowhere. It's just all you saw before this was her social act, the smiling veneer where one wants to make a good impression so they don't screw up chances to use others or take advantage.

What you got when you went into business was her true nature and this is who she is. For reals. Ditto the boyfriend who won't control his own mother's bad behavior and is now it sounds like siding with her. Or at least letting her roll over the top of him.

So really you need to take some sort of action, because letting hate boil under the skin just means it will come spewing out at the very worst time possible. And even if you don't take my suggestions you can sit down and think up something you can do instead. Something that will end this one way or another for you, so you can say, "I did my part, I tried, that's all I can do. The rest is on them."

So get ahead of this, take some positive actions so you don't feel you are sitting there a victim, and yes that means you will have to be confrontational to a degree. That's just always the case when someone does something wrong and it affects you and your loved ones personally, but silently fuming is the worst thing you could do. Also it lets this woman keep deflecting attention off her own actions with no consequences on her. And that's a huge problem with letting people get away with bad behavior without calmly and rationally and yes legally if it comes to that, taking action. Whether you stop or enable bad behaviors all you are going to get is further bad behaviors until you say enough and put a stop to it or remove yourself fully from the picture.

Because honestly this guy doesn't sound like such a prize to me. I don't him personally, but he is bound to have known his mom might be like this and maybe he should have given a heads up on the whole deal. When it went south he should have sat dear old mom down on his own and told her, "Mom, what you did to my girlfriend and her mom is not acceptable. Either fix it now or I will cut you out of my life period."

It's what I would have done, yes even if it had been my own mother. Instead he's wringing his hands, but his upset is over his mom being mad, it's on the wrong thing. He should be freaking out that you and your mom are going to kick him to the curb and take legal action yourselves against him and her. So his own priorities are backwards and you need to take a hard look at that. Really, this guy should have spoken up and said, "Uh mom gets weird when things don't go her way. I would rather we not do this."

So he has a very large part and maybe some of your anger isn't just at her?