adviceneeded33 Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 So, I am pretty much in a difficult situation. I have been with a girl for the past 4 years. In these 4 years, after a while I realized she really wanted to get married. I made the terrible mistake not to say what I really believe about that ( I didn’t and don’t want to do it) in order not to disappoint her or lose her. So, this behaviour led to the current situation where she started planning the wedding and discussing with her family and she is super-excited about it (she and her parents). For a long time, I thought “yeah it is fine. Even if I don’t really want to get married, it is what she wants and since we are happy together it does not really matter”. But the last days only the idea of getting married scares me and the whole idea ruins my mood in some occasions. I feel I am too young to get married and I also feel that I need more experiences before I get married. (I am 22). Please can you advise me on how I can get out of this situation without really hurting her? She really believes that I want to get married as much as she wants and she also believes that we are already too old. (she is also 22) . Thank you, Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 Tell her you are not ready for marriage. Link to comment
shiner501 Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 Tell her you are not ready for marriage. ^^^^This. Grab your ba11s and be a man and tell her you are not ready for this. You love her, you want to be together, but you as a human being are not ready to do this yet. You need to do this dude or you will be in big trouble. Link to comment
Clio Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 I feel I am too young to get married and I also feel that I need more experiences before I get married. Does this mean that you also want to experience more people? Regardless, if you feel this way you need to be honest about it and tell her. Based on what you wrote you two have incompatible life goals and outlooks. She wants to get married young. You want to explore what else is out there. There is no way around not hurting her. But at least you can stop leading her on. You have every right to want different things but leading her on like that is plain wrong and the more time passes the worse it will be for her. Link to comment
Snny Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 (I am 22). That's enough to say that you aren't ready. Most 22 year old guys don't want to settle for marriage yet. You are still young to tie yourself down to a huge commitment. Do you think you want to get married later or not at all? she also believes that we are already too old. (she is also 22). Statistically speaking, most marriages that occur before the age of 25 have a higher risk of failing. You maturity still changes when you are past 25. Are you guys in school or working full time- can you both financially support yourselves? Are you living with parents? I got married at 29 and it was the right decision. I was able to go back to school (master's degree) and finally had job stability at 30 without the distraction or pressure of marriage. You need to have an honest conversation with her. You owe that to her. She shouldn't be wedding planning if she isn't engaged. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 You do have to tell her. It does sound like she's more attached to having a wedding (meaning the wedding reception) than a marriage. But yes tell her before the holidays. Link to comment
Snny Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 You do have to tell her. It does sound like she's more attached to having a wedding (meaning the wedding reception) than a marriage. But yes tell her before the holidays. All of this. She definitely sounds like she wants the BIG party, but has no idea what marriage will bring. Marriage takes more effort to maintain than dating. You both will have endless comprises and sacrifices. Link to comment
RainyCoast Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 so she asked whether you plan to marry, you said yes, she said oh my we're too old already and went about planning it herself with her family ? who set up the date and such? you have to speak up man. i'm having a hard time following how she went from you wouldn't mind getting married to bang booking the band with her mum... regardless. tell her. Link to comment
KantSleep Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 I feel I am too young to get married and I also feel that I need more experiences before I get married. (I am 22). Does the "more experiences" mean dating different women? If so, get out while you can. She is going to hurt no matter what. If the "more experiences" means living life more - such as traveling, etc. but with your girlfriend by your side, then you would need to ask her to slow down and tell her you just aren't ready for marriage yet. I do tend to think you are both a bit young for this type of commitment. I married at 23 and really didn't think it through. It just seemed to be the "next step". Don't do it if it doesn't feel right to you. There is no doubt she will feel pain, but you need to be true to yourself. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 In my opinion, 22 is far too young to get married. That aside, you need to be honest with her and tell her you are not ready for marriage. But before you do so, think about what others here have asked: what type of experiences are you looking to have before you settle down? If you want to date other girls, then you also need to be honest that your relationship is probably going to come to an end. What do you mean when you say she is planning a wedding? I take it you haven't even proposed, so exactly what plans has she made? You absolutely need to talk to her, immediately. She is dreaming big and you are not on board. Please, don't let her continue to build up excitement for this. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 Yikes! You are not even engaged so why is she planning a wedding? It would be best to level with her that you are too young, not ready and not on board with this. Do you live together? Unfortunately she's in bridezilla mode and all you can do is speak up and tell the truth. You are in fact too young and it would be much wiser to plan preparation for marriage such as being on the right career path, financially etc. It sounds like her and her family are jumping the gun and planning your life for you so please speak up. Marriage is a decision a couple make and usually there is a proposal and engagement. Why does she think one-day parties and cakes that she and her family are planning make sense when she's not even engaged ?In these 4 years, after a while I realized she really wanted to get married. I made the terrible mistake not to say what I really believe about that I didn’t and don’t want to do it. she started planning the wedding and discussing with her family.l I am too young to get married and I also feel that I need more experiences before I get married. (I am 22). Link to comment
Snny Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 Yikes! You are not even engaged so why is she planning a wedding? It would be best to level with her that you are too young, not ready and not on board with this. Do you live together? ... It sounds like her and her family are jumping the gun and planning your life for you so please speak up. Marriage is a decision a couple make and usually there is a proposal and engagement. I want to share a family member's perspective here: My sister is having the same issue and won't listen. She moved in with a guy from work, have been dating for 2 years, and all of a sudden she's bringing up wedding planning... it's all she ever talks about, and I'm like "where's the engagement?" I originally thought that a proposal was made and that I wasn't included in the news as a close family member. After all, she was the first person I contacted when I got engaged... so understandably, I got a little hurt by that. Especially when my parents ENGAGE in her wedding planning and leaving me in the dark. Then my sister got pissed at me. Ok so see not engaged... now here comes the awkwardness. But as her older sister I care for her and don't want to see her get hurt or being misled. I have read MANY threads here for years about a marriage talks and women taking it way too far because they obsess over the wedding party plans, but it fell through because if miscommunication. And She lived with the guy for over a year and no wedding proposal. She is continuing to live with him and I'm not sure why (it's not my business but as a family member hearing about wedding planning from my sister, I'm like what the F is going on here?). She is bent out of shape over wanting a wedding because her older sister and friends have/are married. She is 25. Lurkers, please start standing up for yourselves in your relationships. If you don't want to marry, say so. The holidays is a very emotional time for many people to reconnect with families... and letting the lie go on will create family awkwardness and embarrassment for EVERYONE. It is a dealbreaker for *some* people, but you are being cruel for stringing a partner through lying about wanting marriage. You and your partner deserve honesty. You each deserve a person who is compatible with your values. Both parties ate better off with being honest with each other. Communication is the foundation of your relationships- or it will crumble. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 You already hurt her by not being honest. Don't you think that the compassionate thing to do would be to end the relationship, so that you can go out and date others. Let this girl go, so that she can find someone who is compatible. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 "Marriage" often represents the gateway for a young adult to enter into a fantasy adult land, with husband and wife happily raising children and making meals and growing things in the garden. Both you and your gf seem to have a disproportionate reaction to marriage. You are happy in the rl and want to continue it. Marriage is the issue, not the rl. What is marriage, to you? Marriage is what you make it. Some people have a tanning bed and workout equipment in their living room because that's how they live; your lives don't have to conform at all to whatever future you were taught to expect. What future do you want, and what does she want? Can they be compatible? Link to comment
DonnaSophia Posted December 6, 2016 Share Posted December 6, 2016 Since you seem to have been lying, aka misleading her, and have difficulty being honest, make up more crap. 1. Your sleaziest friend would have to live with you to help with bills. 2. You want to live with your parents after you get married. 3. Ask if her parents would let you move in until you have enough to pay cash for a nice house, an expensive one, so spending will have to stop. 4. Tell her you can't take the stress of a big wedding and want to elope. 5. Set the elopement date as April 31. 6. Flirt with her dad or her mom, or both. 7. Start looking at really nasty roach infested apartments so you can save money. 8. Tell her you support Hillary, want an open marriage, require a prenup giving you alimony and 3/4 of her assets, you are bisexual, you will need two nights a week out with the guys, get the picture? Link to comment
surfdiva Posted December 6, 2016 Share Posted December 6, 2016 So, I am pretty much in a difficult situation. I have been with a girl for the past 4 years. In these 4 years, after a while I realized she really wanted to get married. I made the terrible mistake not to say what I really believe about that ( I didn’t and don’t want to do it) in order not to disappoint her or lose her. So, this behaviour led to the current situation where she started planning the wedding and discussing with her family and she is super-excited about it (she and her parents). For a long time, I thought “yeah it is fine. Even if I don’t really want to get married, it is what she wants and since we are happy together it does not really matter”. But the last days only the idea of getting married scares me and the whole idea ruins my mood in some occasions. I feel I am too young to get married and I also feel that I need more experiences before I get married. (I am 22). Please can you advise me on how I can get out of this situation without really hurting her? She really believes that I want to get married as much as she wants and she also believes that we are already too old. (she is also 22) . Thank you, I'm confused, did you propose to her? Why on earth would she start planning a wedding? Are you involved at all with the wedding preparations. Link to comment
Snny Posted December 7, 2016 Share Posted December 7, 2016 Since you seem to have been lying, aka misleading her, and have difficulty being honest, make up more crap. 1. Your sleaziest friend would have to live with you to help with bills. 2. You want to live with your parents after you get married. 3. Ask if her parents would let you move in until you have enough to pay cash for a nice house, an expensive one, so spending will have to stop. 4. Tell her you can't take the stress of a big wedding and want to elope. 5. Set the elopement date as April 31. 6. Flirt with her dad or her mom, or both. 7. Start looking at really nasty roach infested apartments so you can save money. 8. Tell her you support Hillary, want an open marriage, require a prenup giving you alimony and 3/4 of her assets, you are bisexual, you will need two nights a week out with the guys, get the picture? This poster knows what's up. ] Link to comment
Fudgie Posted December 7, 2016 Share Posted December 7, 2016 You need to be honest with her. Just to be clear, is your opinion of marriage with her a "not right now, we're too young" or "I want to sleep with other people" or "I just don't like marriage"? Link to comment
DonnaSophia Posted December 8, 2016 Share Posted December 8, 2016 This poster knows what's up. ] Thank you (I have to use more letters because I got a pop up saying my "thank you" message is too short. a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z, that should do it. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.