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Hi all,

 

I really need some advice on my recent break up with my girlfriend of almost five years.

 

A few months ago I started to feel unhappy and was unsure if my feelings for my girlfriend were as strong as they should be. A couple of live events occurred in my family, my sister got engaged and I wondered why I was not making similar moves after being together so long. It was almost a given that we were going to do it, for a couple of years my girlfriend talked about 'when we get married', not if.

 

One day I completely broke down and said I was unhappy and I thought we might have to break up. This came as a massive surprise to her and she was absolutely devastated. She was being sent home from work, not eating and really not functioning at all. She asked me to work on the relationship for a few weeks to see if we could resolve things. I agreed but wasn't sure if it was actually what I wanted but i felt I owed it to her and to us.

 

my girlfriend put her all into it, she changed her shifts around and cancelled overtime even if it meant she could only see me for an hour that day. She wanted to do things and go places and would do anything for me. Our sex life was phenomenal, best it had ever been and she stated there was obviously not a loss of attraction.

 

Because I was unsure of how I felt I didn't invest the same effort into this time and prioritised work and other things. She warned me she would be pushed away and she couldn't stay in limbo forever. The whole situation was made worse because our lease on the home was coming to an end and she was going away for two weeks on a course.

 

The week before she went away she told me she couldn't do it any more, she thought we were different people and wanted different things. She said she was going to move out after her trip. I had of course been doing a lot of thinking over those weeks and in the week before she left I knew I wanted to fix everything, that I truly loved her and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I came home from work the night she left for the airport because I wanted to see her, we talked and held each other and I left thinking everything would work out fine.

 

While she was away I tried to message her and stay in touch, she was short and said it wasn't good for separation so I respected that and left her alone. She got in touch a week later and said she was moving out as soon as she got back. I tried to convince her otherwise but she said she made up her mind and this was the best thing to do for her.

 

When she came back she moved out immediately, over a couple of days. I did see her at one point and she kept saying it was best for her.

 

after she left, contact was minimal, I wrote her a letter explaining exactly how I felt, she got it but said it didn't change anything for her, she was doing what was best for her.

 

I saw her a few days later when she was collecting her final bits and pieces, I agreed not to talk about heavy things as she said it was going round in circles and not doing either of us any good. She said she was not happy but confident she was doing the right thing. at one point she got angry and said I was my own worst enemy when I said I wanted to do something which I had previously dismissed. She said any girl would be lucky to have me and started crying (guess that meant any girl but not her?). Before she left we had long hugs and she was kissing my neck and cheek often, she called me honey which really threw me.

 

That was over two weeks ago now, in those weeks I dropped round a small birthday gift for her which I had really put a lot of thought into, I know it maybe wasn't the smartest idea but I guess I care a lot. She sent me a text message the next day to thank me, saying I really didn't need to do that but it was very thoughtful and she hoped I was doing OK.

 

Apart from bumping into her mum and having a chat to her there was been no other contact except about bills which were short and to the point. Her mum said she can't get her head around everything, it was so sudden, she assumed I was her son-in-law and it is taking a long time to process things. I asked about my ex and she said she didn't know, she was working a hell of a lot. Her mum said I was also a real calming influence on my ex which is something she had never been able to achieve when raising her.

 

 

I'm really struggling with the whole thing, it's all my fault, I had her willing to do anything to fix it and I made no effort. I Had her and I lost her. She is the best thing that ever happened to me, she always knew what was best for me and pushed me to do things. All I needed was time to get my head straight, the reality of that was I realised that I was unhappy...not because I didn't love her....but because I didn't love myself.

Things at work were stressing me out, when I was home and was exhausted and didn't have energy to put into doing things with her all the time and I had a disconnected relationship with my family.

 

I also have had clarity to realise what I want from live and from my relationship with my ex, marriage and children, which are the two things she always wanted. I have been doing things to improve myself and my outlook to address the sources of my actual unhappiness.

 

My question for you guys is what to do next. I have made my feelings clear, I haven't been calling and texting all the time, I know that's not a good thing to do. I just don't know how she is feeling and that's difficult, I like to think she needs space and time which I am giving her and that she might reconsider. My friends say the same thing, she can be quite driven and impulsive and might need to dust to settle. At the same time she moved out immediately and completely and that's not a good thing at all.

 

I love this girl from the bottom of my heart and I lost her because of my actions and indifference but for completely the wrong reasons.

 

Is there any hope to get her back?

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I am not exactly sure what sort of advice I should put forth. But, the questions that you should as yourself are? Do you really want her back? Or is it just the guilty feeling? What if you do get back together? What were the initial reasons where you were unsure of, that you had left her for? Are you sure those reasons wouldn't come back again between the two of you? Think about Is this also the same thing she wants now?

 

Because of what you said, "My girlfriend put her all into it, she changed her shifts around and cancelled overtime even if it meant she could only see me for an hour that day...".

I think she was trying for you both to get together at that time, and you also said that:

"I tried to convince her otherwise but she said she made up her mind and this was the best thing to do for her....When she came back she moved out immediately, over a couple of days....

Maybe she had decided to move on and saw it as the best thing for you both...I don't know the actual situation so I can't exactly say....

But You were prioritizing your work and clearly she was prioritizing you, You may have blown up the situation really badly...

 

If you really do want to get back together? The question would be: Does she still have feelings for you? Are you sure?

And if she does and you feel that you would not repeat the same mistake again. If not, then try your best to get her back who knows...but make sure you don't end up breaking each others hearts again. Because she respectfully left and you don't want to make it worse for her?

 

"Every coin has two sides..." think from both perspectives and make the decision you think is right.

T.C

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Why did you break up with her, exactly? You were not clear what you were unhappy about with her.

 

And what made you change your mind, specifically?

 

I will tell you that as a woman, it's very hard to take a guy seriously when he only changes his mind after he sees that he really is losing his girlfriend. As you already know, you have broken the trust she had in you and I am sure she completely doubts that you wanted her back for the right reasons. Unfortunately, you are learning this the hard way. She put herself out there for you, and you effectively rejected her.

 

She is going into self-preservation mode, yes. But perhaps the time away from you made her realize that she wasn't all that happy in the relationship anymore either. I have a feeling she reflected a lot on where you two were headed and who you had become as a couple, and felt that if you could so easily toss her aside then you're really not the right match any longer.

 

There really isn't anything you can do now but begin to recover. She might eventually reach out to you, but don't hold your breath. I don't mean to say reconciliation is impossible, but I doubt it would come any time soon. She will likely want to date around a bit and you might just find that you really made the right decision to end it after all.

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Thanks for taking the time to reply in depth.

 

I was putting time into other areas because that was my way of getting the separation I need to get my head right. Also I still didn't really understand myself and my feelings at the time.

 

You're absolutely right she wanted me to put my all into her at that time but I didn't. I don't blame her at all for what she was decided to do, it makes sense for her.

 

What I do blame is myself because having had time, and I told her I needed that, I realised what I did want and that was absolutely not to break up and that I actually valued her above all else.

 

I want to get back together because I love her and want my future with her, if that wasn't the case then this would be best for both of us. I have real clarity now.

 

I made some big changes to my own life now I know what was making me unhappy in the first place and that it wasn't actually her.

 

I obviously want her to be happy and if she is decided that is without me then that hurts but she will be happy which is far more important than my feelings in this situation. I am certain that these would not be a factor in the future.

 

I just can't make the connection how she was giving her all, her everything and now has gone completely and dramatically the other way and doesn't seem to want to reconcile. Maybe she has fallen out of love with me and that's just it. I can't make her feel something she doesn't and it would be wrong to try.

 

Pretty heartbroken right about now, I want to try and explain to her but she hasn't been contacting me other than about money matters and things like that. I think I need to wait for her to talk but I don't want to miss an opportunity to resolve it by leaving it too long.

 

A friend said that she isn't contacting because she doesn't want to and that should tell me the situation instead of going through it all in my head 24/7.

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Why did you break up with her, exactly? You were not clear what you were unhappy about with her.

 

And what made you change your mind, specifically?

 

 

We are quite different people, we have some different interests and views on some things. This has always been a big positive for us though. I felt we were sending still I'm out relationship and not going forwards and I wasn't sure why.

 

Why I changed my mind, well I realised it wasn't that I didn't love her but because I didn't love myself. External factors were making me unhappy and I didn't understand the source of those problems.

 

I realised that she was the best thing that ever happened to me and that she is worth fighting for above all else.

 

The trust thing is a good point, she said she was shocked when I raised it as she felt so safe and so secure over the last few months and had been the happiest she had ever been. She so wanted to make us work.

 

I really hurt and upset her and I did it because I was confused and unhappy with myself. Not because I had filled out of love with her.

 

I realise my chances are pretty remote but she has said after she moved out that she loves and cares deeply for me but probably isn't in love with me at the moment. We haven't argued or fought and we didn't do that in our relationship either.

 

I let all this happen for all the wrong reasons and I'm not coping so good.

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Well I bit the bullet and spoke to her this morning, explained a few things I mentioned above and that I wanted my future to be with her.

 

She was quite clear that she no longer loves me and that this was the best decision for her. She wasn't open to anything in the future.

 

She said she knew that the issues with me weren't because I didn't love her but that she made her decision on her gut and is following it through with it.

 

This is obviously not what I wanted to hear but at least I now know exactly how she feels and won't keep replaying things in my head.

 

I had hoped as some had suggested that time might heal things and she might reconsider so I guess it's good to know that that definitely isn't going to happen either.

 

Hardest time of my life right now but now I can try to move forwards as difficult as it will be.

 

Thanks for all the support guys, you have been amazing.

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After 5 yrs and living together she may want to get married, have a family,etc. not be strung along or met with indifference.

 

All you can do is stay no contact and stay away from her friends and family.

 

If you loved her and were sure about her you wouldn't have broke up with her and she wouldn't have walked out the door.

five years. for a couple of years my girlfriend talked about 'when we get married', not if.

I completely broke down and said I was unhappy and I thought we might have to break up.

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Good luck man, it's hard. But at least you got one thing from that last conversation, closure. That's big. It will help you re-frame your thoughts from "trying to get her back" to "moving on."

 

I was going to suggest making sure she was understanding what was going through your head when you weren't feeling in love with her, but it sounds like you did and she's already well aware. I think MissCanuck said it well with her very insightful post.

 

While it will be little consolation right now, you can learn from this. When you're in a future relationship and you start to feel 'out of love,' you can look back to this point and not make the same mistake again.

 

I know how hard this is - I've been through it before. Feel free to PM me if you feel the need to talk. Actually am sort of going through something like this with a friend now. So not to the same scale as a relationship ending, but still not the easiest.

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What I do blame is myself because having had time, and I told her I needed that, I realised what I did want and that was absolutely not to break up and that I actually valued her above all else.

 

I want to get back together because I love her and want my future with her, if that wasn't the case then this would be best for both of us. I have real clarity now.

- Honestly.. I think you see things differently, because now, she is actually gone ..

From my end, i see this as just a 'reaction' to what has happened between you two.

 

What started it all was you admitting you felt change?

>> "A few months ago I started to feel unhappy and was unsure if my feelings for my girlfriend were as strong as they should be"

 

So.... what is it? Are you just 'missing her' in some ways.. now that 'reality' has set in?

 

That, in time, you may realize it wasn't going to work out.. and you have to 'accept' and heal.. both of you.. from this 'loss'.

 

Loss is never easy.. you two were used to each other, being in each other's lives and now.. it's done!? Yes.. harsh.

Not easy at all!

 

You will miss each other for a while... loss for both.

 

But... there's underlying reasons for WHY you did this... right?

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What I do blame is myself because having had time, and I told her I needed that, I realised what I did want and that was absolutely not to break up and that I actually valued her above all else.

 

I want to get back together because I love her and want my future with her, if that wasn't the case then this would be best for both of us. I have real clarity now.

- Honestly.. I think you see things differently, because now, she is actually gone ..

From my end, i see this as just a 'reaction' to what has happened between you two.

 

I understand that interpretation. I realised what I really wanted before she moved out. It was time I needed to work out why I was unhappy. In the end I realised they were my issues, not problems with her. If I sorted myself out the rest would follow naturally.

 

Problem was it took me too long to figure it out and I lost her. It's about 7 weeks now since she said she was 'out' and I have had a lot of time to think about it. I'm normally a pretty logical person and make the correct decision in the end, this time though I did something I didn't mean to.

 

I was right to say I was unhappy and figure out why, I don't regret that at all, will serve me well in the future.

 

But I pushed away something I really cared about in the process. She obviously took the time to come to a different conclusion and took action for herself. She said she doesn't love me anymore and that's where it's at.

 

I didn't break up with her at any point, I never 'ended' it at any point because I didn't really want to do that.

 

[

What started it all was you admitting you felt change?

>> "A few months ago I started to feel unhappy and was unsure if my feelings for my girlfriend were as strong as they should be"

 

So.... what is it? Are you just 'missing her' in some ways.. now that 'reality' has set in?

 

See above. Of course I miss her but we could have sorted things out and made them better if I had cleared my head a little quicker and not pushed away the wrong thing, especially when she was so committed to fixing it together.

 

If it felt right deep down I'd be relieved and happy.

 

[

 

That, in time, you may realize it wasn't going to work out.. and you have to 'accept' and heal.. both of you.. from this 'loss'.

 

Loss is never easy.. you two were used to each other, being in each other's lives and now.. it's done!? Yes.. harsh.

Not easy at all!

 

You will miss each other for a while... loss for both.

 

But... there's underlying reasons for WHY you did this... right?

 

It has done me a lot of good, I made some big changes for me. It's just a shame I lost the one thing I never wanted to lose.

 

At least she has been honest with me about her feelings and position today. The unknown was killing me. I'm happy that she is pursuing her own happiness and wished her well. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't love me and if she doesn't then she has to follow her own path, as much as that hurts.

 

Lesson for everyone is, learn to love yourself and be happy within yourself.

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learn to love yourself and be happy within yourself.

-VERY true! If you're not happy with yourself.. that WILL stem over to affect them as well.

 

Wish you well.. Life is so hard to deal with sometimes! I know.....

 

This is all still very fresh... take some time to take care of YOU now.

 

One day at a time... tc

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